Hey!
This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!
Initial hook: Hey I was looking for something to read and I've seen this piece several times so I wanted to come and check it out. Romance isn't usually my preferred genre but still, here I am!
Storyline: This tells the story of Myra and Ru, who develop a very close relationship. They seem to speak at every opportunity and almost live in each other's pockets despite never meeting each other, until one day, Myra calls it all off. A lot of time goes by and as Ru gets a message there is disbelief that Myra wants to contact again.
This piece was unique and really captured the love they had for each other, but it did leave me wondering how they met, how their relationship escalated to such a scale where they had to talk so much etc. That would be helpful background info.
Characters: Ru and Myra are the main characters. We follow Ru who is the narrator and we see her thoughts and feelings throughout. It seems that both are meant for each other though are unwilling to admit it. That suggests to me that they're still quite young at the time they have such an intense communication. One thing I was thinking... I think they're both girls, but I'm not too sure because it's not really clarified, but I would make that clear just so the reader can understand fully.
Setting: This all takes place in a virtual world where the two speak to each other. You've written this in the past tense as Ru it recounting the story as it happened and allowing the reader to follow, make sure it stays in that tense as there are some parts where it slips into the present tense. It interrupts the flow a little.
Atmosphere/tone: For me, this piece was full of romance and passion but also maybe a little bit of obsession. I once had a friendship like that where being apart was hard and we communicated constantly, it wasn't healthy. At least, not for me. But I guess they both come to that same realisation an it has to be called off for a while.
![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png) A few suggestions I had:
Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
Storming into the apartment, locking my door behind me, flinging my keys at the wall with a scream of rage.
For me this sentence doesn't feel quite right. I would suggest changing it a little:
Storming into the apartment and locking my door behind me, I flung my keys at the wall with a scream of rage.
A quick glance at the clock confirmed I had 20 minutes till you called,
Numbers tend to be written out in full if they're below 100.
A quick glance at the clock confirmed I had twenty minutes till you called,
Your voice came down the line to me "Ru!" as though you'd been waiting forever to speak to me, bringing a smile to my face. "Sweetheart," I answered "is everything okay?".
With each new speaker, a new paragraph should be started. Also, you don't need that full stop after the speech there. A speech ends with punctuation and that's enough.
Your voice came down the line to me "Ru!" as though you'd been waiting forever to speak to me, bringing a smile to my face.
"Sweetheart," I answered "is everything okay?"
"No Myra, no! Whatever it is we'll fix it, we've done it before, we've been through so much", tears pouring down my face,
Here you need punctuation to end the speech. It will be a full stop as the words after are actions. I would also change a little bit of the wording afterwards.
![BulletV *BulletV*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/bulletv.png)
"No Myra, no! Whatever it is we'll fix it, we've done it before, we've been through so much." Tears poured down my face.
God, I'm freaking out, my heart is pounding in my chest and I need to calm down. I don't dare have a drink though, there was a time when that didn't end so well, another emotionally charged conversation. I sigh and get up, crossing the room to the couch and collapsing into it. Closing my eyes feeling suddenly incredibly tired, my thoughts drifting… Myra, my Myra…
You write this in the past tense but this is present. I would change it to make sure it goes with the flow. Also, I just want to point out if you want to include direct thoughts, usually putting them in italics makes it clear.
God, I'm freaking out, my heart is pounding in my chest and I need to calm down. I didn't dare to have a drink though, there was a time when that didn't end so well, another emotionally charged conversation. I sighed and got up, crossing the room to the couch and collapsing into it. I closed my eyes feeling suddenly incredibly tired, my thoughts drifting… Myra, my Myra…
Hope this helped!
Well done on a good write!!![Pencil *Pencil*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/pencil.png)
Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
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