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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| Yesterday was awful in every way. It was a matter of reliving the horror of abuses received in young adult years, surviving. Yet who to tell the story to. The only safe person is a therapist. No one else wants to know. It has been going on much longer than I have been alive. The incident involved giving a male resident a shower. I have readily given the man a shower countless times to save aggravation. In a lot of cases he is playing the women who are in staff, who at times have no choice but to do a shower when he is not around. So the manager, a woman takes matters into her own hands. Life will go on. Let the healing begin. |
| I am finally to the 100 mile marker in my journey to retirement and half of that could be amended by days off and such. What an incredible journey even if it were to end today or any day between here and there. A telling message is a case of mistaken identity that nearly ended in disaster. The gospel reads like that for me. Someone made a mistake and yet God is good at redeeming those mistakes and turning them into moments of reflection. So I go forward. I hear the messages don't go crazy, after all who will believe you, don't even think of committing suicide a sure road to condemnation and having sex before marriage if you call yourself a Christian. God has seen me on those roads and for whatever reason is still with me. |
| Betrayal happens in a lot of ways. Just when one thinks it safe to trust something happens to make one wonder if trust is even viable. I consider the issue of survivor guilt. Maybe it should of could of been me. My own finances can not be trusted as eighty dollars flies out of the coup and my wife is oblivious to what could have happened. God give me strength. |
| I wonder what God's dream of me will be like. I know at some point I will wake up and realize despite the ups and downs it was a dream worth having. |
| Staying alive, I pray for strength. God be with me let me know peace. I will get a day off. What does that mean. I have hope for courage in the future. I have sixteen days off and a bit over 100 days left in the year. By Monday I will slip into double digit range. Who knows if I will ever get to retirement in one peace. There will be one hell of a story to tell in the end. |
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