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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| I am in my kitchen making something of a late lunch. My dad cooked a tin of menudo last night and I cooked rice and I'll eat them in a while. Myday has been difficult. I cannot describe it but it made me very sad and depressed. i felt as though someone I love was in danger. i coudn't figure out how to get him out of danger. I felt as though I was held back from asking Jesus to help him. But I had another way to get Jesus to see what I was gooing through. I awoke at almost 3 am. I wasn't a happy girl then. I felt the pressure of bad thoughts. i did some work but I wanted to go back to my room and sleep a little more. I had a bad dream. Then i awoke again. I went to th ekitchen and made coffee and some bacon. Then i forgot to take my meds, which added to the stress. I wanted to see if my friend onlnie was around but it wasn't so. I tried to go again on social media. I also worked on my Lularoe stuff. I took pictures of my latest inventory and I posted them to my store. That store is a headache. I discovered later Friday that the store website doesn't go beyond the front page. I couldn't figure out how best to fix it. I sent a Tweet to Lularoe Support. Then i also emailed somebody there. Then i also submitted a "case" to LLR. Today I receive aan email from the mentor I was given. She said t o message her Monday and she'll get to the Home Office to figure ot how to fix my website. I felt bad because I had this whole Month of February to sell and it turned out the stupid website wouldn't work! So even if I had peple looking they weren't able to get to their selection. Oh well. I'm not going to give up. I'll still work on LLR and I enjoy it well enough. I wish I had more contacts to send emails to. It's kind of sad to send this same email group new stuff but if they are not that upset maybe I can do this more often. I wrote the start of a scene of a play. I have never written a play before but I think I remember enough from reading Shakespeare about enter Right and so on. I don't know how it will turn out. I think I could noodle on it and see how it goes. I don't know what more to say but it's a bit of an abstract story. I don't know if people will take it the right way. I feel a bit threatened that the Church, Holy Mother Church will make me sad about it. I don't belong to that church anymore, Not since 2017. I think that might be all. I am trying to figure out how much time I have to lollygag on line until I make supper tonight. The menu is merely macaroni chicen soup with chicken liver and shrimp. Dad asked me to keep the shrimp intact and not to dice it before adding it into the dish. I guess that's ok. I do'nt like shrimp much. I remember once I was allergic to shrimp. Then i wasn't. Go figure. |
| My day has not been that stressful outside. I feared I'd get into trouble with some bastard out there as we went on an errand. I instead received an accusation from the head of MI5 that I was a soviet spy. I was so unhappy and disgsted with this accusation I wrote a letter to Colin about this. They were trying to tell him I was a bad woman and he asked me to write him a letter tellin ghim what I did most of my life after we got to USA. I wrote him a letter which was a bit incoherent due to typographical errors. I am this: 1. I am a woman of God. I adhere to the laws of the land. I have paid my taxes but the last year I had no money and so I still owe taxes but I am going to do my best to pay this off. I have voted several times for either Democrat or Republican candidates for President and on down the line. 2. I am pro-life and pro-traditional marriage. I am not gay. I have not had phsyical relations with any human man. 3. In high school, I attended Ladywood St Agnes High School. It spanned 3 years from 1970 to 1973. I was admitted straight into second year high school in 1970 when we. arrived from the Philippines. My parents were Sally and Don Faderan. Sally was a school teacher. Don was in the title business. Don was trained and educated as a lawyer. Sally majored in English. All of us were God-fearing and law abiding. We had no soviet friends that we knew of. My family sometimes attended the INternational Center Shows in Indianapolis but we didn't meet anyone soviet there. I knew nothing about the soviet agenda in the country except that my cousins (second cousins) LInda (Rheeda) Lagadon was supposedly a member of the SDS in BLoomington, Indiana. She and I never really cared to be friends except for the last few years after Mom died. She decided to come to the house every year in July to 'have a reunion' with the family. I wasn't that excited but they were family I cared for her late Mom, Maria B Lagadon. Linda and her sibling Ben left the home in Indianapolis leaving their Mom to fend for herself. My parents and I visited Maria as much as we could and sometimes took her out for dinner. Rheeda and Ben are probably the communists that some of these people are talking about. Obama is acommunist and I hate him always because he's been killing me and so has Hilary Clinton who has been paying to make me look bad to Colin and spread rumours that I was 'whoring' around at yale when I worked there. 4. In graduate school, I went to IU in Indianapolis. Before that I went there for my bachelors in Chemistry. I didn't date anyone there, I might have had a crush on a guy but there was no real contact. I worked part time at Marion County General Hospital and I went there straight from class and then my parents picked me up after work. I was there until I graduated. In the interim before grad school, I went to the VA Hospital to work as an Inhalation tech. I then went to work for George WEber who was an MD researcher. I was a graduate. research student for him. I did not have any idea he might be a spy athough he had visitors from Eastern Europe, Japan, Italy, and other European places. he also had people from Purdue and California and Colorado who worked for him and another student, Melissa Reardon who worked with one of his postdocs, Judith Sebolt Leopold. One day I think he was regaling us with his travel experience and he said that someone mistook his luggage for theirs. They looked similar. I had a recollection of seeing this as scene in a spy movie about people who steal high document containing suitcases and leave a similar suitcase in their place. I might have had a notion that George was dealing with some spy stuff but I never got recruited by him to do this. I did not travel out of the country except to Toronto for a meeting and I was with my mother Sally who wanted to visit an old pen pal of hers, Choylan. I don't know her last name. We ate once and had a shopping afternoon. Choylan bought shoes and we merely watched. I liked the food she let us eat at a restaurant there they had Shepherd's Pie. 5. At Yale, I was not recruited. I was a good girl there. I didn't date anyone. My parents visited me every weekend. They stayed the whole weekend. I worked from 8 or so to about 5 pm. I went home and fixed supper for myself and watched tv. Then I went to bed. I was having an infatuation with a man who worked in the same lab, Tom Trautman(n). He had this subliminal idea to me that he was an FBI agent. I decided that he wasn't able to conduct any real interest in my friendship. He wasn't staying around and he already had a girl friend. But I was sad. I was unhappy and I had an affair instead with Colin Firth at the time. Colin and I had an affair in the evenings and nights. But that didn't last. Colin left. I was taken to the hospital because I wasn't eating and didn't go to work for days. I stayed in the hospital for several weeks. Then they let me get back to work. Work after this problem was not a happy occasion. I lost interest in the work. I would go to work and then I couldn't take it anymore and left early, every day. I went home and stayed in bed because it was the nearest to Colin I ever had. Then my boss told me he couldn't keep me hired. So I asked another Doctor Dr Bertino if I could work for him. He said he was moving his lab to NYC and he can hire me. I transfered my NRSA Postdoctoral Fellowship to his lab - the last year of the three year award. 6. In NYC, I lived with my parents in Woodside. I took the R train every morning and went to the SLoan Kettering Cancer Center. That is where i worked from 1987-1991. I had some social stuff I did with some o f the staff. I went to the Opera at the Met with them, I attended Mostly Mozart concerts with my Dad, I went to eat at the Russian tea room because it was somewhat unique. I didn't meet any soviet spies there but thre were two russian laboratory technicians named Yelena Gritsman and yaroslav Elysseeff. They were friends but I didn't pry into their relationship. Yelena lived in NJ and yaroslave lived somewhere in the city, that Island place which I cannot remember the name. They had a daughter who was a tall blonde who worked in the summer. I had to leave work at one point because of a relapse in my mental health. I went from hospital to hospital between Niagara Falls, Buffalo and NYC. I got back feeling sad. Some of the people at work had progressed in their jobs and their relationship with the boss. I had to work from the ground up but I got less interested. I was depressed and visited my psychiatrist often. I had no therapist but the MD who I saw was Dr Alex Deutsch. The grant I was working under was getting reviewed again by the NIH. My boss told me that it might best if I looked elsewher for another job. I decided to use the AACR conference as a way to find a job at their job board. I got a call from Dr Chan from Purdue U and he offered me a job. 7. I traveled with my parents (who both had lost their own jobs in NY) to West Lafayette, IN. In 1991. I worked at the Uni for one year or less. My boss told me he needed to pay mor eattention to his son who had ADHD and so he got himself another position in California. Then he changed the job site to Massachusetts because some friends heard he was leaving Purdue. I was able to stay at Purdue because my Dad's friend, a lawyer in Indianapolis, carmen duran's friend, said in passing that she thought I had a contract so I went to the Head of the Department and told them I wasn't resigning but wanted them to honor the contract, The boss was mad. I was in tears but in the end I got to stay. I needed the money from this contract. They said I could work for other professors and that is what I did. Sometimes it wasn't a lot of work and I admit I also went home early. 8. Then later on I worked for Dr Wu at the Animal Disease Diagnostic Lab (ADDL). She was a bacteriologist. I was her research technician for those years from 1993 to around 2000 unless I got mistaken I think I worked for JC Penney where I sold jewelry and some dresses. That was as a temp but I worked for almost a year. I also worked for LS Ayres and that was in their China department and Christmas department. 9. In 2000 or so I worked for LabSupport and worked part time at Staleys. I have a resume I can give. Staleys became Tate & Lyle. I stayed for almost a year. I went to the church for Mass services most of the time after my job was over. Sometiemes I went shopping with my Mom. Dad worked part time at a title company. Mom was a tutor for a Filipino family with 3 kids. 10. Then I worked for St Elizabeth Medical center as a pharmacy tech. I stayed for 3 years and 3 months. 11. Then my last employer was Cook Biotech Incorporated. There I was the regluatory scientist for their FDA US regulatory department. After a few years I was marginalized and assigned to work for International Affairs and worked with foreign notified bodies like TUV and Health Canada and some APAC countries, and some Latin American countries. I was fairly successful in each branch of regulatory. In CBI I had some intimidation from new people like Daniela Changkuon and Nick Wang. Also from Jason Hodde and Sue Erb and Connie Beasor. My boss had a 180 and became more critical of me in front of others. Another one who was unhappy with me was Katie (Kim ) Molland. I had other vibes that were bad from people but I was so very tired by that time. I knew that people were killing me in thoughts and some stuff. Daniela and Nick were the culprits. I also heard them talk about how they were going to kill me. I don't have any real idea why HRC was against me. I know that when I was writing On Days LIke This, she was hating me. She went to Yale I read. So did her husband go there. I guess she might have been protecting Yale and its reputation. I only know what I went through and I wrote the book as a fictional story. Those things are from my wild imagination. |
| To All, I'm having some quiet time with the dogs. The garage door man came and has gone away. Dad (stepfather) paid it. It wasn't a lot considering I was thinking it might cost upwards of 200 dollars. The man on the phone said we could always pay it in 15 days as my check will arrive in that time range. But Dad had some extra money but he asked me to help him when I get my pension. That will arrive on the 18th. The other thing to get done sooner than later is the faucet drip in the kitchen. Someone said she won't allow it. Must be Betty the Queen. This will have to be figured out but I do plan to call somebody to fix it. It will be around the time I get my pension and if some people are guarding the bank and the IRS and the Treasury they've been monitore and 'made' as they say in the movies. The other thing I did today with the dogs and Dad was to visit the clinic. The BP was monitored and it seems to have gotten down to an acceptable range. Then on the spur of the moment they asked me to stay for the labs. So I said Ok. That was done after sometime waiting in the sitting room or waiting room. The time spent waiting was good as I reviewed a book that I had in my bag. It caused such a happy reaction from Colin. One of the things in there was PG Wodehouse's story of a befuddled man who got himself engaged (behind the potted plant) to a woman named Myrtle got us in hysterical giggles. It made me wish for PG Wodehouse's book which I'm not sure I have any longer. I'l l have to get a copy again. The book is rather a large book I don't know why I hadn't read a lot of it, butit could be because some o f my thoughts aren't English and have no sense of humour that way. So they all said No more of this and I got sad and left the conversation. However, that is about as much as happened but I do remember one more thing. There was a sound of a high pitched beep that came to the consciousness of the Thoughts and I wondered where on earth it came from. I didn't worry much. I decided after a bit that I might have an auditory problem, or, someone's hearing aid was not functioning well enough. some of the thoughts got upset that it could be a sound of a bomb waiting to go off. I even heard someone talk to my dead mother slally who claimed she was in the presence of said bomb. I believe she was let off. I don't know where the hell she is now. No seriously this beeping sound went on for a goodish hour. I can't tell you that it kept me from my equanimity but it did. I was somehow asking Colin in a whisper what the heck that sound and whether or not I ought to do something like take apill to get out of that awful sound. I don't know if - well it might have also beent he fire alarm going off intermittently It does that in this house. I swear this house is quite weird. I might actually write a small operetta about it. The ghoulish inhabitants and all that sort of thing. These beastly asshole thoughts will be relegated to caricature like people. I nominate several people in my past for it. Haha. No need for what, Colin? No need to audition, ahh. Oh m goodness, exlaimed some asshole who shall look like that Peanuts character with the blank stare. Ok going off now. Bye Toots. |
| I'm rather psyched. I received a letter from Prince Philip! He's been very classy about returning a thank you note to me. I mean to say, that I sent him a package containing a doily from my MERRYAGNESKNITS brand of knit and interior decor and a small note to say Hi and hope Him a good day. I got the package back due to some VAT problem which I'm not so familiar with but VAT is called Value Added Tax and I'd priced the doily too highly and they got a bit concerned they' have to ask me for a VAT so I re-sent the package with the remark that the doily is only $5 worth and has no VAT associated with it. Then i got my ptinesy bowse app to make the necessary documents to add to the package and it was worth all that to get back a letter from Him. And, so I am quite happy that this happened to me in my ordinary life, haha. I'm really not that into the Royal Family but well, I got inspired to send this to him in case you see I could put up my MERRYAGNESKNITS in England as a business. So if the Prince could be noticed as owning or having something I made in his office or whatever, then someone would say something to someone else et cetera and you know how it might go. Then well, I got a bit of a walk in with the dogs. My pup is getting the idea about being on a leash. He does walk fast for a puppy and it's rather difficult to keep him from going too crazy. My other pup who's 2 years old, is not afraid of being with us now. He comes up and then he goes off somewhere nearby, then he runs up and joins us, and he's getting out of his sad thoughts I think. I hope so anyway. I have no other real news. Oh I did get some money from a sale on eBay and that is always welcome. Nothing much, $46 and then Dad and I will use it to buy groceries and whatnot. I could buy my yarn as I need to get more of it to make the Beanie that I've told my friends about. I'm not in Lularoe as some might know. I was thinking of going into Mary kay but I'm on the fence about it. I think for now I'll work on my stuff. Writing, well, that's a bit of a challenge for me as I'm seemingly unable to get too creative there nowadays. I mean, it's all rather random whenever I get the urge to write anymore. I am getting somewhat tired so I think I'll make some tea and well, I think I might steal some of Dad's walnut mini-cups to eat. Haha. |
| Another thing. I was of the impression that my Dad wanted to kill himself last night by eating foul sausage. I then wondered whether he really wanted to do himself in. This morning I had a thought from one of his nieces, Sandra Plan, that she gave him the idea to eat this foul stuff in my thoughts and stuff to kill me. I think he is not good, this Dad of mine. My real Dad, Prince Philip of Edinburgh, the late Prince Philip, has been guarding me as well whenever God allows. Dad this Nemesio person is not good. He was hired by Mrs Windsor, Elizabeth to kill me once I was somehow of age to become Queen. So I do not know what to do. I think this Nemesio is not good. If he wanted to kill me he could still do it today. Sunday. Sundays are bad for girls named Mary and Catholics in general. Sunday is when all of those who had an axe to grind against the catholics band together and kill them in some way. Kill in terms of - making them super sad, so fucking sadthey want to do themselves in, or make them hurt and make them have a tumour or make their kids sad or die somehow, by sticking their toes against some object or causing them coughing spells that are so violent they almost lose consciousness which I had one time. A woman named Amanda schoolcraft did this to me at work and did it to me at dinner time. I was so fucking sick and coughed so hard I fell on my knees on the floor and hurt my right knee which hurt for weeks after and I came to holding on to the trashcan and kneeling down. My eyes watered. I wasn't happy. Another time that my Dad might have condoned the evil hateful torment of me was when I was making something on the stove. It caught on fire. A small fire on the stove got me so unhappy. We have a fire extinguisher. But it petered out before all the flames could be doused. Then I tried other ways to douse the flames. I put wet towels on top of the stove. I tried to put a lot of ice cubes over it. All the time, Dad was in his chair in the kitchen, looking at his Facebook. I glanced over to see if he noticed there was a fire on the stove. He wasn't looking. Then finally he got up and saw. He said something and then reached for the water spout and then spouted water over the flames. Finally the thing died away. I do not wish Dad to be the heavy in my life. Yet even my stepmother Sally is an evil whore and is making me sad a lot and making Colin sad as well. We are both, Colin and I, made sad by these bastards and we cry together and yet we cannot seem to shake these bastards. I wish not to have another day in this fucking trapped life I have. Last night I also had a few words to tell Dad. I told him I wanted to apply for a microloan for my small business. Dad said he thought I'd be digging myself into the hole. I got upset at him. I reasoned and said this loan is to gain more audience to what I'm selling, to get more of a buzz, and i said that once that was achieved I'd be able to pay back the loan. Each month. His idea is that I'll never be able to get anywhere with my business. This is a bastard idea. They these bastards think they'll smother every inspiration that I receive from God and they'll smother all of these inspired acts that I make, by making me die every time I do something half way into a creative thing. I have been intimidated to stop writing anything now. They threaten my pets my dad and everyone even Colin so that everyone I care about will die. Finally leaving me totally alone in this big bad world. What do I do then? Is this going to be my lot in life all the life I have? I am dead yes but I've not been carried away into the deserts of Afghanistan to be made sport of by those ghastly people. I donot wish to be kidnapped or stuck into a clinic or sanatorium to be made catatonic and become so unhappy that Colin will never want me then. I wish to ask You for prayers. i am trapped. I am so fucking trapped. These bastards are still walking around somewhere near me. My house is a negative sucking thing and all of the bastards come to this place, taking turns to torture me, yes torture me. I need help my God. Please help me. |
| I am up and it's about 5 50 or so in the morning. I am now having a cup of tea (Twinings, Peppermint). I also have had my bread and butter. I am not sure what else to make for breakfast. It might happen that I wil make some more pancakes but I've already made those for my evening snack last night. My night has been somewhat off. I went to bed last night and it was almost midnight when I felt feverish and so I took two tylenol to get me through the night. I was doing some work at my usual station when Dad came back from church. he attends st Mary's at the Lafayette Indiana spot. He goes there every Saturday at about 3 pm he leaves and then comes home almost at six in the evening. Last night he wanted to make dinner right after getting into the house. I said I wasn't interested in eating as I had a snack. Then he made sausages (patties you know) and wow, it stank. It stank so much I asked him if that stuff was still good. I know that he bought them a few months ago and I've not gotten to eat any since I was not interested in eating them for some reason. He persisted. He said it was fine to eat them. So I kept my silence but he ate the stuff and then he left to watch TV. In the living room. I went to sleep early and Colin and I shared a few thoughts together. Then I awoke, feeling feverish. I do not know but somehow I imght have inhaled a few microbes of the bad sausage and gotten the first symptoms of a fever. So I got out of bed and took some Tylenol. Colin did too. I feel a bit more like myself now. But when I awoke earlier I was struck by a dizzy spell as I stepped out of my bedroom into the hallway. I was so fucking dizzy that I staggered a few steps aside and I almost knocked over the statue of St Michael the Archangel next to me against the wall. I had to stand there a few minutes while I got my composure back. I wasn't happy at this but I decided to go to the loo and then once I got out I went to fix some hot coffee or was it tea? I do not remember. I've been posting a vlog and a blog about nothing in particular elsewhere. I have a LuLaRoe business and my company suggested we discuss what we like about their leggings. And so I did that. If you're ever interested look me up as Lularoe Mary Ione. Must fly, Mary |
| To my Thoughts, I'm awake and well enough. The Bastard made me sad so sad and made Colin sad too. I'm feeling that He isn't happy because he might be blamed for what has happened to our love through the years. But the reality is that the bastard herself did this to us and now is trying to put the blame on Colin who is a dear Man and I want Him to know that he is still my onliest and I hope one day to be his onliest. I have been able to have coffee, shared bacon with the pups, and somebread and butter. I am trying to put up a good front and sometimes He, Colin, in spirit, gives me a boost but he's busy and so he relies on the other good thoughts I have to keep me going. The plan today is to get an errand or two done. I'm now working on LuLaRoe and on Thirty-One Gifts. I have been doing well with both, as far as promoting it all but of course, this is a start up business and I'm starting from ground zero, haha. I do like the products that i am selling so it's not a drudgery. I would not wish to work for a business that had ordinary, common stuff to sell. It could be a challenge I cannot meet. What do you say about a screw or some sort of cork or some sort of tool or utensil unless you sold wow, Pampered Chef, now well, that's another cool idea, what do You think? Hahaha. I might be a bit overextended and it will be somehow de trop to do that as I have not the cash to invest in it. I have asked someone in Norwex to send me some info about joining them but I do not have cash either. They are in the hundred dollar range to invest in. I do believe in their products. I wash my dishes and pots and pans with Norwex products. I have not been successful at paying the WiFi and it might take some doing to keep it going if I don't happen to get the lotto this week, haha. The tv subscription is also needing paid. I did schedule a payment of the WiFi at the bank online but then things got a bit screwed up so I had less than the available amount to pay it. Instead, i paid the electric bill and the water bill as Dad was totally bereft of cash in the bank. He also has no credit cards as he decided to give those up a few months ago. I do not know if he has any cash at all stashed away. I am remembering that he has had some money issues with my stepmother when I was younger. I witnessed some words exchanged. And stepmother told me in private that she suspected he hid money from her. I do not know if this is true or if he has done this still. All I know is what face value stuff I get from people in my life. If they have lied to me, it's between them and God. I must get going. I have a few errands to do. I do not have any real idea when I'll blog again but it wil depend on how sad I am or if I'm busy with other things - the usual washing up and the prepping of food and the crocheting and knitting et cetera. Must fly, Mary |
| The last day was not great. In actuality, I was fucking sad. I also found out that the faucet in the kitchen is not pouring a lot of its potential of water so the water is coming out in a trickle, maybe a thin amount. It will be very difficult to wash dishes as a result. I've had to resort to eating off of paper plates last night. We had a supply of those from past parties we had and had leftover plates. I'm up and have been for a half hour or so. I'm going through a difficult decision on whether to keep writing. I'm usually not doing more than a blog or two, and some of the time I'm able to write a small paragraph or a few lines of a screenplay. Now, I'm up against: the big tax bill, the levy threatened on my checking account, and last night my puppy had a puking spell. I've been trying to put a brave face on it, and have been able to put my confidence in God. God takes care of everything in my life. I do not falter in my trust in Him. But I am sad and I wish to be free from this imprisoned life. My own Dad is going through his own financial difficulties. I am not sure we'll be able to keep going. Or survive. I am serious. There are still menacing thoughts who want us to be murdered in our sleep, or get us in trouble. Some of these people are the people who are responsible for making me terrified of going out on my own. As 'luck' would have it, I've got my driving privileges taken away due to non-payment of two traffic violations. They were given me in December. I was going through a problem at home and I thought my cat had to go to ER. But this story is in my google docs so I do not wish to belabor it. The traffic tickets are $234 a piece. That means it will get a total of $468. I have the letter to the people who are going to preside over my tickets and am asking them to either dismiss the tickets or cut the tickets in half. Here is the gist of my letter to them: I’ve been given traffic tickets for the above infractions. I wish to provide my side of the story about what happened. "It was on a Sunday early morning. I was driving through Northwestern Avenue in the vicinity of the Purdue University campus. It was probably in the 3 or 4 a.m. time. I was (to my knowldege) the only person on the road. I was trying to see if I could get help from the ER in Purdue’s Veterinary hospital for my pet. But i decided not to because it wasn’t that serious a problem and the fees to house my pet would be too high and I couldn’t afford them. I doubled back to go home and in that time I saw a pair of headlights at my rear view mirror. I was scared at this and decided to change lanes to see if the driver of these headlights would follow me. The driver of this car or vehicle followed me to the same lane I went to. I went to the other lane and he or she did the same. I was filled with fear. I did not know what to do. Then all of a sudden there was a flashing light that came from the vehicle behind me. It was a police car or vehicle (it turned out to be an SUV). When I realized this, I thought of pulling over but a thought came to mind that this could be a fake police car and that I might be a victim of some bad thing. I knew that the police station was nearby so instead of pulling over I drove over to the police station. By then two vehicles were on my tail and it was so scary. I knew that if I went to the police station I would be in a better situation to face the people driving the police vehicles that were following me. I parked. Then the one police officer came to my window. She told me her name was Officer McIntire and her badge number was badge 123. She and I spoke and I explained why I didn’t yield to their unspoken signals to be pulled over. Then I told her that I thought that this was not a real police confrontation with them, that I thought that they might be fake cops. I then went on to say that I knew a police station was nearby so I thought I could at least be in a safe place where they could get my information. She said that I failed to yield and that I was weaving. I did not argue with her nor with the male officer who also came into view. He left without a word to me. She asked for my license and the car registration. At that time I was still terrified. I have never had this happen to me in my entire life as a responsible driver. She finally gave me my ticket documents. I was given leave to get back to driving home. That was the end of the incident. I did not pay my traffic tickets because I have no money. I am on a fixed income. I am trying to see how to pay the tickets and yet the fees are high - $234 each ticket and that would be a total of $468. I cannot pay these and ignore my other bills and financial obligations. So I wanted to appeal to you to review the paperwork and decide whether I have a legitimate cause to ask for the appeal. I am hoping that you might either dismiss the infractions and reinstate my driving privileges or, at least lessen the fines that I am asked to pay. I look forward to hearing from you and your final decision." |
| Just got up and now had breakfast of tea and bbutter. I am slightly sleepy still. Some dreams come mind. Nothing in particular. Something like a shopping scene. Or getting my hair done. ANd not having any credit cards to use, or losing the credit card in the bag that I had with me. A very frustrating thing to dream about. I need to know when this dog will end the biting of me and I wish to be happy with him but he's sad and Iwish to go away now. I am sad still. I wish to be happy. I need to get some other thing to go to or do. I'm tired of being online. Nothing is there. I cannot go through another day stuck in the same place in my house. I want to bereak free of all these thoughts that are hemming me in. I need to do other things but these bad thoughts threaten to stab me in the back or any part of my body if ever I got a job in a store or an office. They'll all be waiting for me there. I am needing healing, help, refuge, asylum, you name it. I want to do this reseaerch on Spain but I"m fucking sad and sleepy again! |
| I'm not sure if I mentioned that I now am part of a tutoring community. I signed up with them the other week. It's a challenging yet a good job, and I'm helping people to do better in school. School is a big deal, and this culture wants everyone to have a college degree, because they want people to earn a good living. So if you know anyone who wants to be tutored, please send me a message here. My day yesterday went a bit choppy. I was alternately ok and depressed. I felt inundated with a lot of thoughts, and they were driving me crazy. I finally got so fucking sad that I cried, and asked Jesus to heal me. I am going through therapy and seeing a shrink. I have been going through therapy for so many years since I got slammed in my job at Yale. I was so fucking unhappy after I left Yale or even while I was there. I am not ashamed to reveal this fact that I am depressed and it might be something that affects me more deeply since I became a real writer. I suffered a great deal of highs and lows when I attended my Creative Writing program. I thought then that creatives tend to be so fucking emotional, but it might be due to their craft as writers, actors and screenwriters, or anything like that. I remember thinking that when I had to think of how to create a character, I had to get into that character's psyche and it was so fucking amazingly sick, and not sick like bad, but sick like wow, how exciting that I could get into a character's mind and see what motivates them. I took a short course in writing online before I went to get my MFA and the teacher talked about how actors in a play or film have to have what they called "stringlines" which they have to have in order to decide how to portray a character in the movie they're making. Stringlines are what writers or directors or anyone involved with writing in a movie or play - they are a narrative of what the character is, where he came from in life, his motivation, his fears, his goals and that I found so fucking amazing, so very happy making that I might have gotten into a big discovery. In making a character I have gotten the idea that this might be somehow a hamrful thing to me in my mind. I don't know if actors out there have that same idea or reaction or side effect from portraying roles that are harmful or bizarre, or even villainous. Even character roles might be a problem for a sensitive nature and I wish that this didn't happen to them. I think that the downward slide of anyone in acting could be due to a role the actor played decades ago which might have yet to be resolved or to put it in a graphic way, exorcised. It is important for anyone in the creative business to understand that the mind is so very susceptible and the idea of subliminal communications or messages is so endemic in the things writers/film actors and other creatives go through in their work. I pray that those who are suffering silently, and keeping going on with their creativity could pause for a moment or two, and think about how they could get themselves help. It's not an embarassment anymore to admit to anyone that they're in therapy. I remember that in my first instance of being in therapy, I was told by my therapist that nobody should know that I"m going through it. So I had to 'skulk' out of work early to get to see my therapist. I causedme a great deal of sadness to have to leave early at work to see my doctor ever three or four weeks. I knew that some people at work would look down on me and talk about me. I think after that time I went through other employment and later I admitted to my superiors that I did see a therapist. One of them said what for, friends can do it for me. I told her that ideally a friend might be ok, but friends can only hear the problems that you have one too many times and they'll be thinking and telling others you're a bore and that you are such a needy and clingy person, so if you think that then that really happens. I know that if a person got paid to hear my problems that person is agreeing to tolerate the problems you present and is trained to know what and how to help you. So please, go see a therapist, and just lie to people about the damn problem of how to present that person as a therapist. Or, go into a disguise and wear a moustache to see him, haha. All I want for people who are creative is to preserve their talents. That's their way of earning a living. But if they are sad all the time due to their work, then they need this way of coping with the aftermath of the work they have done. It's terrible, I know, but what can you do? If you pray and that is good, pray to God and Jesus about how you're going through hell and they'll be helping you to cope as well. Some people hate the idea of going into a 'church' or be a part of organized religion. Well, that's just a prejudice that is directed against people who pray or think about their faith. This 'crutch' thing has been given to me in conversation by a bastard and she was not anyone. I think that if you do think of it as a crutch, well, fucking do it then. Just tell people you aren't perfect and nobody is, are they? If we were perfect, it would be like why do you even live on earth anyway? I wish to be a peaceable person. I do not wish to create a fuss anywhere I go. I merely wish to be a good and helpful person. I hope that this post will be helpful to everyone. Mary |
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