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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| I'm thinking deeply about this career as a writer. I find it very unrewarding. I took my MFA and graduated with Distinction. I felt confident that my work was good and that my stories were interesting enough to gain an audience. However, i was met with resistance from literary agencies and publishers and made to go with POD publishers who wanted my money and I had to spend inordinate amounts of it to get my book published. People smelled money and started to invite me to go with them instead. It was a mess. Now I'm unable to support myself with whatever 'royalties' that I receive. I have written several novels and nonfiction stories and can't afford to promote except through my own social media. I do have followers for my FB pages but I suspect these are people who only want to see me fail. These people aren't sincere and never really comment on my books. I've been reduced to ask for donations from people who look at my website. It's not a problem to ask for donations as many people do this regularly. But I am afraid that I am getting hacked. My book ideas have had the risk of being hacked by those who sell these ideas on the black market to give for a handsome sum of money to established authors. One of them is a man whose books have been best sellers but he's struggling with trying to get some more story ideas so he goes into the black market. I cannot prove this however, but there is that big thought that many authors are doing this regularly. Some of them have won awards that are prestigious. I'm aware that there is a time lag between the time a new author gets to publish her first book and gets an audience. I'm meeting with silence and I am not sure why that is. I wish people would make any comments so I know what it is they are asking for when they read a book I write. In my MFA program people in the faculty never really addressed the difficulties of getting recognized as a published author. They went through the usual folderol of how to get an agent and get published. My work is getting blacklisted I think by those Ivy League publishers and agencies that hate that I went to Yale to work. The Yale experience has been described in my book On Days Like This. I'm aware that some political people hate that. They've seemingly closed ranks against me. What I've gotten is a great sensitivity for haters and their thoughts. I'm constantly pained by their hateful thoughts. So much so that I cannot find a job that's a regular job where I could at least find an income to pay bills and keep body and soul together. These haters have grouped together to get to me every day and keep me under a cloud of depression and immobility. There are so many times that I've tried to put things together in some coherent way and these haters send me distracting thoughts that take away the potency of my words. It's as though the whole world is against me. I know it sounds dramatic, but I am finding it a huge obstacle to even keeping alive. It's very tough to be a writer and to get an audience. I'm not here to get rich or be famous. i'm here to be a voice to show that there are people who I feel that in a story I could find them to speak out for their difficult lives and how they've overcome their demons. I'm not sure how to go on with my writing life. I wish I could sell retail or work in a coffee house or even in an office. But the haters are ever so wishful of that because then I'd be caught in a trap where I'll be physically wounded by their evil thoughts. The last time I tried to get a job it was at Macy's. I reported for the job on the first day. I was filling out forms and getting oriented but I was attacked by an evil spirit who was good at making me feel as though my body was being stabbed and my fingers sliced off. I couldn't stay and left after two hours. Now I see that Macy's is closing stores and laying off a great number of staff. I think that God knew about what I went through and gave His judgment on Macy's. I do not wish to make everyone feel as though I'm whining or making people feel guilty. I'm wondering what it is that I have to do now that I'm finding it more difficult to get through this career. I don't want to be a whore about my career. I'm an upstanding writer who is honest and good. I wish people would give me a chance. But I don't know anymore whether the inspiration to write was from an evil spirit. Perhaps it was and now I'm trying to combat this evil that made my life go haywire. I was working at an office and doing well but I was marginalised and people were racially against me. i suppose i was also known to be the Queen of England and that made things more complicated. is the reason I'm not getting my books sold is that I'm the Queen and for whatever reason Queens don't sell books they write? I find this a sad thing because i've not really been informed by someone in authority that I am the Queen of England. It's all whispers at this time. I think the world is knowing that I'm Queen and they can't do anything to help, or can't be bothered, or both. Life is so filled with duties and other problems that people who might have had some significant roles to help me aren't able to do much. So I'm here left alone and I am not sure how my life will move forward. Each day is a battlefield of thoughts and haters. I can't even rely on those who I used to pray to so that they could help. Everyone's guarded. I'm guarded by good people but many of the other guards I have are bastards. I can't see how to go through this life. I prayed to Jesus to take me home but I think he wants me to stay. For what reason? Just to be someone who calls things as they are? Where can I find any way to live off of this job? I live in a world where money is needed to keep a house and transport, and feed the family. I'm fortunate that I still have a home. I am thinking that someone is out to get me to be so poor that I'll be forced to sell my body just to get to pay a bill or food for the house. I refuse to do this. I'm not sure what more to say. I'm not happy at all. I might look cheerful to people outside but inside I'm suffering. I can't see how to continue this facade that 'nothing is wrong'. Something is very wrong with my life. I need to find someone who can reach out and give me a way to live the rest of my life. I'm on Medicaid and I'm grateful that this is something that I have. My medications are few and one of them is threatening to make me sick because of yet another problem with a nurse practitioner who switched my meds and now I'm still going through healing because the new med is toxic. I'm not happy at all. I feel as though the menace against me has become so large that people everywhere I go in this town are all doing their part in hurting me and making me have a short life. |
| I recently video blogged about my writing. One of the topics was about my most recent novel, On Days Like This. The novel is about an Asian American woman who gets a job at Yale University and gets embroiled in a very bad plot to make her die. The novel has the theme of racism in the workplace, and in the halls of an Ivy League university. The idea to write about Mary Enji Scott, the daughter of a Japanese man and a white wife, was give to me by inspiration. I hesitated to write about the Asian-American experience. I was partly raised in the Philippines, an island country in the Pacific. Then I immigrated to the USA in the 1970s and was thrown into a world full of white people. There were a number of Fllipino families that my family befriended in Indianapolis. But I was basically someone who evolved in my personality as a person of the world, a citizen, if you could call me, of the world, and not really someone who thought of myself as mainly a Filipino-American. Those days I did not know I had English parents. I was adopted which nobody told me about. Not until recently. The novel was something that I decided to accept as my next work and project. I wanted to show to the world that there is racism in many places and even in places where you might not expect. I wanted to show that Asian-Americans, and, Asians per se, are good and noble people, who aspire to the same goals as anyone else. Asians are very productive, industrious, and mostly peaceable people. They do as they are told, most of the time, and tend to be meek. But they do have feelings and when they are ostracized, or made to feel marginalised, they become self-involuted in that they can't talk about their hardships with anyone. There is this feeling they have that they can't turn to anyone outside of their families, nor even outside their ethnic group. I think that the Black Lives Movement has placed racism to the forefront of the consciousness of society everywhere. I went through life in different work places and in these places the thought of being racially profiled wasn't obvious to me, perhaps because I didn't want to recognize it. I had an optimistic view of people. I looked at people as equals, as worthy of my respect and even my love should love be part of the relationship. I made many friends, or so I thought. But I noticed that the ethnic groups did not have many interactions with the white majority populations. They were useful to some political groups as people they needed to curry votes from, but not as real friends nor even people who they could build a family with. Those who married out of their ethnic groups were not very many in my experience. There still was a stigma to biracial couples even in the 1980s where I placed Mary Enji Scott (my main character on On Days Like This). In the novel, I wrote a dialogue between Mary and one of the technicians in the laboratory where the technician told her that children of biracial couples were looked down upon and were sad always. It was a dialogue where I derived it from an actual happening. I thought that this speech by a white woman in a liberal arts university was so scandalizing that I tried to think it was a joke at the time. But that wasn't a joke. There are many facets of biracial couples' lives that are so filled with sadness and they tend to find it hard to be a part of the environment and society. The fact that some of their families are racially profiled is a sad thing to realize. Yet, even in corporate workplaces, many of those who are of the minority are not recognized and given promotions. It is not easy to excel in places that have this racial meme in their workplaces. Many places pay lip service to giving equality in their hiring. But they merely fill the slots for the forms where they have hired a minority employee. It's not an easy life in the USA. But life here can be good if only people recognize that each of us is a Godly person and worth our respect and our love. |
| I don’t remember many things or skills that I told this to myself about. I think one thing that I thought seemed to be an unreachable skill was in writing. Time and time again I’d think of writing a story - a novel, a book - and I’d get the same negative response from somewhere in my thoughts: it’s not something you can do, it’s too much work, it’ll be hard and so don’t even bother trying for it. But one day I started to noodle about writing in a blog form. I had enough money to pay for a blog website. Then I went on and wrote something - whatever came to mind that happened to me. Sometimes I’d blog about a trip I was planning on taking for work. Then I’d blog again about something that bothered me - about how some things didn’t seem to look right to me that I saw in the world. Then I went on and bought myself a mug from PBS.org that had The Writer’s Almanac on it. It was a brave thing to do, and I decided to ignore the strong messages that I got - YOU, a writer? That’s ridiculous, these thoughts would say. I’d counter saying that I WAS a writer. That’s what my job was about. I wrote many things for my job even though it was all technically driven. Then after a lot of sad things happened to me at work and i started to wonder if writing technical documents were all I could do and it was driving me mad, I decided to take a course in writing from a cheap online course. There I found it easy to write the assignments. That built for me a portfolio of work, which I then thought I could submit to colleges who offered MFAs. And from there I went on to take a serious program in Creative Writing. Then I went through all the coursework with good marks. I finally finished my MFA and now I’ve several books that I’ve written, some with the help of a good friend and Muse, and others in the beginning written thinking of how it might be interesting on their own. But the most important thing is that we all can do what we wish to do - it’s called improving yourself and how you might become. I’m still developing my skills at writing but I’m very proud of what I’ve published. I think even though some of these books haven’t had good reviews or only some are good, it’s a way to learn about what my audience wants to see. |
| I’ve been having a quiet day contemplating. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to move out of this country. Somewhere that will give me the safety that I crave from the ghosts that have been chasing after me and making me sad every day. And every Bloody Sunday when they come at me with great ferocity. Making me cower under the covers of my bed, and making me feel muted and unable to call out to my Saviour my Jesus to rescue me. These awful intimidating thoughts have been making it difficult for me to write anything worthwhile. They hate that I have published books despite what they’ve tried to do in harming me. They hold hostage my Dad, my pets, and anything else that isn’t batttened down in the house. One time one of them actually had enough energy to hurl one of my laptops to the floor. I rescued the laptop but it’s really sad now. I’ve been looking at different countries and trying to see where I might fit in in their society. I don’t know if I can go back to England, the land of my birth where I spent my first twelve years of my life. England’s lovely I know. And they speak English. The people are said to be charming but I’m not sure whether the charm is only on the surface. And the Queen and her people will likely wish me to leave and put up a roadblock to keep me from entering. I’ve spoken to a migrant lawyer about moving there. I was ok with what the conditions were until they said that my Dad would have a difficulty in getting approval of being accepted. It seems that older people have to be almost debilitated and tied to a wheelchair unable to fend for themselves to be accepted by the English VISA systems. I’ve also looked at France. I love the idea of living in France. A beautiful country, and the country side might be quite lovely to behold in all seasons. There are good places perhaps to be living in but the cost of living or the lifestyle there in Paris at least is quite high and I won’t be able to maintain any sort of decent living there. I don’t wish to move to Germany. Their language is difficult to learn and I’m not that patient nor do I wish to be in Germany first of all. I’ve thought of going to Japan and be a contemplative sort of person. The language problem also exists. I think some people there speak English. It will be a long time before I can learn the Japanese language. I’ve seen some tweets that Japan is keeping people out of Japan unless they have a specific aim to be there, such as an operation or surgical appointment. I even thought of going to a place like Beirut, so famous in its rather brutal history, yet quite fascinating in the fact that it’s gotten so much more cosmopolitan. There are the usual language issues but I don’t know. Why not Beirut? But then how safe will I be? the safety factor is always up in the air with me. If it’s Beirut, whey should I even leave West Lafayette, Indiana? The difference might be that the danger is under the covers here while in Beirut it’s out in the open. There might be some irruption in Beirut but then perhaps it might die down after a while. I’m rather treading dangerously looking at the globe for a place to live out of here. The thing is everywhere in the USA is looking like West Lafayette and I don’t wish to meet the same people even though they might be looking different. The sort of people who are fake, who only want your friendship if you’ll buy their products or whatever business they’re in. These people and those who are in the churches who smile at you at church but hardly talk to you when you’re in the grocery store. What sort of culture is that? People seem to have forgotten about being genuine and sincere here. They are all trying to find some other thing, some unnamed wish that the prevailing current of fame and fortune have wanted them to chase after: plastic surgery for their sad faces, dental orthodontia for their uneven teeth, hair extensions for those who badly wish they had locks like a famous model, a fast car or two so they can parade it on Facebook, money most of all to go to the best vacation places in the world so they can then take selfies to show off on Instagram or Facebook. The value system is all upside down. Is it like that in France, or England or Germany or Japan? Or do I need to get real and say This is where I’ll live and someday I’ll die and it’ll be all over. |
| I’ve suspected for sometime that I’m on Donald Trump’s hit list. He seems to be capable of mobiiizing his white supremacist groups everywhere to go after his enemies. I confess I voted for him and I’m ruing the day I did. Every day. I’ve seen his true colours and he’s been so awful towards people of colour. Witness the events of the last few weeks. People of colour are being targeted, getting into trumped-up trouble and ending up getting killed. I don’t see any signs from Trump that he’s supposedly pivoting. He’ll sign some executive order but he’s doing it half-assed. He’s been making me sad everyday for the last few months. He’s in league with Satan, who hates me always. He’s really Satan. He’s become the worst leader this country has ever had, colluding with China to build more concentration camps. To what purpose? Why does he want concentration camps for? Is he trying to make a deal with the Chinese authorities to deliver his enemies to their concentration camps to silence them forever? I’m afraid to set foot outside my house these days. I feel like I’m in a gulag. I’m being watched surreptitiously. Everything in my life is filled with silent spies. They have hacked into everything I have - my cell phone where it has several callers who I don’t recognize, texts from strangers, my computers are hacked and my suspicions are that he’s got his people in all walks of life so that they will notify him of what I’m up to. He makes sure I can’t get anything that I need for my work. He makes it so his spies will know what my debit card numbers are and makes the websites I buy from decline my purchases even though I have money in my account. He’s already made it to the point where I’ve been scammed to reveal too much about me and my stuff. He’s determined that I’m someone who needs to be silenced. He and his allies, the Queen of England, for example. These and others who have a silent but odious desire to quell me and my work, to stifle my voice where I can speak out about the injustices of his administration, and to show how he is really ignorant and eager to spread his white supremacist and Nazi leanings. He wants to change things to suit himself even creating his own series of fake news, which he tries to accuse others of doing. He lies and does this with great facility. I’m stuck here trying to stay alive and his goons are making me feel sad. I can’t seem to get anything done each day because he’s causing me phsyical pain and distress. He’s silenced my friends and those who might wish to help me. He’s intimidated them all so that they’ll deny that I’m a friend of theirs. This man is a danger to freedom and goodness. He needs to be taken out of office. Vote against Trump and his people. Get out and tell people what he’s really all about. He’s a fake all through and through. He can’t convince anyone now. He’s blowing smoke and people are now able to call him on his bad behavior. Mattis started this and now everyone of those whom he fired are speaking out against him. |
| Hi Everyone, A new day - after 3 am. I'm up because my knee is bothering me. Just another thing to endure, haha. But thank God I'm able to hobble around the house. I am on pain meds which dent the pain somewhat. I'm trying to distract myself from the pain. I wish I could wish it off but it's here and sometimes it gets worse and other times its very painful. Yesterday was bad because I'd gone out with the family to run errands. I was so pained that getting out of the car was a tremendous effort. I had the pups with me which made things more complicated. The smaller dog was so eager to get out of the car and I had to organise myself so I could at least hang on to his leash and then get my things out of the car with me as well. It was a miracle I got to the door and got things into the house. Fortunately, it got accomplished. I made spaghetti ala Ameritriciana, which is an homage to those in Ameritricia in Italy who died in that awful earthquake a few years ago. I went online to look up the recipe which consists of pork and spaghetti with sauce that was made from tomatoes. I usually make it with whole canned tomatoes and tomato sauce and paste then with a large dollop of red pepper flakes. So very tasty and it definitely filled up my belly well. I really enjoy making this recipe. I've always liked spaghetti and I know people who are into slimming don't care for it because of the carbs but I'm not good on keto type of diets. I tried that keto diet and well, did not lose more than seven pounds and I had some issues that made me quit it. I went to a clinic in town that specialised on this sort of diet and when I told the nurse about how I wasn't losing a lot of weight (I was down to about 20 g of carbs by then) she gave me a Rx for metformin. This is a med that diabetics take to control their sugar in the blood. I took a dose and then I suffered a great back pain. I called the nurse and told her of this and she insisted I go to the ER and have them test me for a heart problem. That day wasn't a good day to go to anywhere as they predicted a blizzard. I wasn't about to get stuck in the ER and so I said no I'll not go. She threatened me implying that this was not a good idea. I said forget it and hung up. I discontinued metformin and decided to forget the whole keto diet thing. I think it was too much fat and not a healthy thing to forsake carbs. Our bodies need to have carbs and it's because they get used up when we do normal activities and even if we only walked a mile a day it wouldn't be great to be on a low sugar going on in your bloodstream. I've learned from school (I took Pharmacology in graduate school) that the brain feeds on the glucose it has from the bloodstream so being foggy-minded is not a good sign. I do not have any idea why the back pain happened but it was a transient problem. I'm on a more stable diet and I take carbs and have a healthy smoothie and eat enough for each meal. So I don't know what my weight is right now. I had a fitbit scale that I used before but my fitbit has bit the dust and I don't wish to spend on another one again. I've already gone through two fitbits. I merely go with how I feel and if I can have some carbs, a bit of a vegetable in the diet, and protein then I'm ok. I've not written a lot lately but I'm starting a new novel called The Bridge. It's about a young woman who works in a research laboratory in Paris. She's going through depression because of a lost love who left her (not quite sure how) and that was what has been making her sad even though on the outside she's doing ok. I'm really interested in writing this novel mostly because it's a bit close to my heart and I've had the experience of lost love, and many of you I'm sure had something like that in your lives. I'm trying to get some free time to write. Now I'm also trying to get up to speed with sending out flyers and newsletters to talk about my work and other things that I find interesting. I've started a nonprofit company that is aimed at helping the poor families or individuals, mostly brought to their knees financially due to the COVID issue and from other problems like Acts of God (hurricanes), terror attacks and times of war. I'm also hoping that this nonprofit will help the homeless to get free cell phones so that they can keep in touch with places where they could get help on their own, like jobs or paying bills, or finding a place to live more permanently than the usual places that are established to house the homeless. I'm working on getting the nonprofit a tax status and so that's a big job in itself but it's a challenge and I'm hoping this will come to be achieved. I've put in my name to see about standing for a Council Seat in my city and see how I could be helping as an advocate for the seniors who are on a fixed income, to see how they could be heard because I think they're not able to get their problems to the right people who could help them. There are other places in town like Area IV which is devoted to helping people in cases, for example, finding someone to come and help the elderly who are sick and in need of some care at home. I researched Area IV a while ago when I worried over my Dad and how it might be if he were laid low by an illness or whatever and to see how I could possibly find someone who could see to his care while I was working full time. The people in Area IV were very helpful and sent over a thick packet of information. There were several volunteer organisations that were listed and these would come in handy to call if anything drastic were to happen to my Dad. I hope that you would do your part in finding out how best to care for those who are less fortunate. We are all lucky to have our jobs and our homes, our workplaces and the social stuff we do. I hope that in your readings you can find good ideas about keeping your families healthy and watch out for whatever might be ailing them or even causing then problems. I know there are times we get impatient with our elderly parents or other relatives because they get a bit testy or impatient themselves for the fact they can't do things on their own. So we must always try to find a good way to talk to them and draw them out of their sad feelings. I think we all need to take care of our parents while they are still alive. We derive our own selves from them, after all. We need to keep them in our prayers. We also need to take care of our children and keep them safe. With all that's going on with COVID, we ought to think of better ways to educate them out of the schoolroom. I don't have kids myself but if I did, I'd homeschool them. It's a popular method of educating children. In fact, the UK, France and I think other parts of Europe have homeschooling. There's website or two about homeschooling. One of the people at my church homeschools her kids and they get packages every term or so with new books to teach their kids. It's also a way to bond with your kids and to keep them occupied. It doesn't take a PhD to homeschool your kids and those websites surely have tips on how to homeschool if you're new at it. I am sure we all want to remember Algebra but it will come to you when the time comes! I hope everyone is keeping safe and healthy. Life is precious and we must always try to live healthy and well, Mary |
| I've decided to run for City Council member in the City of West Lafayette, Indiana, USA. I have submitted my application to the Libertarian Party for nomination today. I have been thinking a while about the plight of the elderly, the disenfranchised, the homeless, those who have fallen through the cracks of the system. I also want to find kindred spirits who want to work with me to get elected. I know that the City Council is a local entity but I want to work from the grass roots level. I am eager to do the job. I want to reach out to those who feel that they've been forgotten. I want to be an advocate for the seniors who are living on a fixed income and cannot find an extra income to help them with their health care and other needs such as finding a medical place to go to that isn't just there to take their Medicare money to pad their own pockets. I've had experience in how the Medicare system is being used to get more of the innocent elderly to go through unnecessary treatments and it is a scandal to me. I hope that this will be a good step for everyone, not just for me. I could easily let things go but I'm one of those seniors who have been given this treatment, so has my late mother, Sally. I want to get more of those who are jaded and cynical to awaken and get moving to make this country get back on its feet again. I am very concerned about how this country's leaders are interested only in the "bottom line" where they sacrifice their employees to come back to work despite warnings of COVID resurgence, only to make money and raise the GDP and it is a problem everyone needs to discuss among themselves. My hope is that the Libertarian Party will think well of my intentions and agree with my views. I have been disappointed in the current administration which has a leader who is petty and mean spirited. The opposite party seems to have a candidate who is sincere but he has a great number of issues that I'm not sure about and so I want to help in being a voice for those who have no voice at all. People have forgotten the elderly and relegated them to a small corner of society where they are only good for the property they have and that is all. Please message me to tell me what you think of my desire to serve the city of West Lafayette. Thanks, Mary |
| I once read somewhere that upon rising in the morning I have two choices: to feel happy or to be sad. I've risen today and felt happy enough to get going. There have been a few times when I get a wish to stay and lie in bed and relax more but I've had the inspiration to get up and get going. I choose today to be happy and despite all the thoughts that have been ghosting me since I awoke I am going to push through. I see enough bad news on the Twitter feed and on FB but I feel as though this is just another day to slog through for many of us. There is that sense one needs to feel sad and sympathetic but I must take care of my own sanity. I've been persuaded so many times that things won't go well with Colin. I don't want to lose him and I know he doesn't want to lose me. I am one of the people he should trust more than anyone in his life. His life is filled with actors who may still be reading or memorizing scripts while they go with him in some way. The evil spirits in the lives of us are trying to get us to go with the script that they think we ought to go with and it always takes us into a sad mood, even to the depths of sadness so much so we want to kill ourselves. This is their MO - to make us sad and kill ourselves and spare them the trouble of doing the dirty deed themselves. So I want Colin to know that I am loving him as much as I can despite the fact that we've not had a cup of coffee together in the middle of the world. I do not know when that good occasion will happen but I am looking forward to it. I somehow wish I could make it into a story or some scene where we will meet and it will have a nice ending. I am always an optimist, and want good endings and beginnings and middles for people like Colin and me. I do not know how lovers are faring along. In some places we might think it's best to pretend we're strangers when we've had each other. I hope this sort of subterfuge will end and lovers will come and meet and forget the rest of the world. God will take care of it and we will survive. We will survive intact with all senses and our minds intact as well, remembering how we loved each other and how we felt when we shared love. I do not subscribe to going along some dreamy path because it is only going to be made into a different scene by those who are eager to break us up. I know that God is present in our lives and in our dreams but I think being solid together in all ways is the way to go. Why would we want to be afraid of the devil and his minions for they are shackled by their being in Hell always. We are, lovers that we are, in Heaven all the time. If we should feel sad or some sad event has made us sad, we each of us can buoy each of us each other to get to feeling better and think of how we can move forward. There's no need to be stuck in the past or fasten our gazes on the sad things that we've gone through. We have had to go through events and sadness, true, but the evil ones want to throw it up in our faces every time we make a step forward. We must recognize this and tell off that bastard and then move on. We must meet someday and it will happen. I may be in a mood where I'm not receptive or reactive in the way one might wish but that is me. I'm not someone who gets all huffy about anything or any thought that tries to make me think of them and then attend to them. I'd consign them to the fire as they used to in the old days. My life now is as stable as it can be, with a few times of being irritated, thwarted and that sort of thing but it's not going to make me go to some fetal position and moan about it. It happens to everyone. It's part of living in this country and other places. Yes, it's part of the earthly life but what other life is there unless one is so cossetted that every sad thing even the slightest discouraging word will make us sad. This sort of life is reserved for children who can't defend themselves and it is up to the mature people who have kids to tell them that this sort of happening will not cow them into submission and to move on and move forward confident that we are heading into the right direction. Those who wish to constrain us might succeed but they won't succeed all the time. They are never going to take over our lives and make us do what they want. There's a point where we've had enough of these bastards who are always trying to persuade us that going with them is FUN or that we will make a lot of money, we will have fame and fortune, we will have all the conveniences of life. Well, life is not a convenience it is a way of deaing with things that we have to deal with and then not to sweat the small stuff. Things will take care of themselves or at least, if we ask God to deal with it if we've had enough thoughts to cycle through we can't do everything and so we'll say God it's all Yours. That's what God does and He can't be denied and He will be powerful against all who try to make us feel as though there's no hope or no way out. This caged meme is making the people of God feel that way - that there's no escape. I do think we can get away and we must find that right thought where we can start putting our feet in front of each other and walk the way God wants us to. I know I'm calling on God when I speak of Him. There are people who wish to deny His Presence and that is where chaos lives. If we can't call on God in the middle of a chaotic event how else can we find relief? I've had times when i was blown low and I would moan and groan and call on God and finally He comes and I get lifted out of my sad thoughts and I am able to deal with things. And sometimes we can't even remember what it was that laid us low, you see. We cannot suffer for nothing we must suffer willingly if that is what's asked of us and that is also part of living this earthly life. We have to do it and there's some relief and we must find the simple ways to get us from being depressed. The simple life and things are free and if there's a cautionary thought we should acknowledge it as we are given the Wisdom of the Holy Spirit so we don't just throw things to the wind and go off and do things when we might be doing something more to keep us alive. Our lives are precious and we must always be sure to keep our lives secure and the only way to do it is to pray to God every day to keep us safe and those we love safe. We can't do more than that sometimes but we can if we are able to see what risks might be ahead for the little ones we take care of. But others we must tell Him it's Yours and I've no way to prevent things from happening so it's God's job to do it. I don't now what more to say but there are so many things we can do for ourselves each day and one of them is to make sure we eat and that we take water and if we have to take meds to keep us from feeling too pained in our minds and our bodies. We must take vitamins, and do what we can that we humanly can around the places we live - wash dishes or do laundry something to get us out of this immobilitiy and inertia that the evil one wants us to dwell in all the time. If we're always lying in bed or sitting doing nothing but looking at our cell phones we will make the evil ones come over us and take over what we are doing and make us think the things the evil one wants us to dwell on. Melancholia is a bad thing and it's a precursor to depression. I'm somehow a bit like that but only on some things like romance and love. But I have an optimistic thought about love because it's what we must always reach for. Even those of us who've had some sort of run in with bad lovers should always hope there is a special someone that God has reserved for us somewhere. I am sure that I have that love somewhere living somewhere in the world whose name is Colin Firth. I know that it's rather a long reach to think of but I know he has his spirit with me. Don't ask me how it works because it's beyond my comprehension and I don't wish to question it. It's a gift and that is all. There are many of you who are listening and I pray that you will all be protected while you go about your work. Be happy but don't try to look for something that will elevate your happiness artificiallly. Mood altering drugs are dangerous and it can make you go with the wrong crowd and that crowd are all bastards, devils and ghosts. So just be calm and pleasant and don't go into hysterics about things. it might cause people to wonder if you should be someone they ought to go with and then they'll steal your happiness. Be good to your family as they are the only ones who you will have to support you and if your family are bastards then get away from them and then find peace in a solitary fashion until God gives you the real family who you belong to. Love, Mary |
| I feel a bit more the thing now. I ate some more breakfast and lunch together. I think that the day has been good in the weather department. I hear some people cutting the grass outside. I know they did that this week for us and we are glad they came. I hear the birds chirping once in a while, and there is a soft ticking sound to the clock near me in the kitchen by the wall. That clock was from my Dad's old office they gave this to him when he retired from there. He worked there part time in his retirement years. He was fortunate to have gotten a job like that where he could come in later and leave earlier than the full time people. He has a cordial relationship with his former bosses. I was feeling a bit sad earlier today but now I am a bit more buoyed because I did things for my LLC. I hope that the rest of the day will be better. I somehow feel like I am being killed I wonder why? I see Sally thoughts that are getting at my chest and Marianne thoughts who is watching her do it. I think people are angry at me always for some imagined reason unless they are the reasons why I was uprooted from my home in England when I was about 11 or 12 years old and taken to the Philippines. I had a bad stepmother named sally. She was the Queen of England in disguise as sally and she made sure I had a childhood that I could somehow recall in my later years. That childhood was a fiction brought about by mind bending MI5 rules. The fiction they made fo r me that I went to school somewhere in the Philippines like Blessed Imelda's at Cabanatuan or Dagupan Cities, and Dominican School in Manila and St Theresa's College in Manila. These bastards can program you mind to create a childhood or a series of memories that you can parrot to anyone who will ask. My father Philip of Edinburgh was unable to find me. His girl Maggie Smith the actress had given me to a lowly family in the area where she lived. They were unable to resist my being kidnapped. I thi nk they have been sad forever. I wish them to have a thought that I am thinking of them with affection. I think my mother Maggie was too much involved with her career and perhaps didn't want to get the lashing of the Queen against her life and so she was able to get out from that hot stare the Queen would give anyone who offended her greatly. My father Philip had to go along with the idea to marry Mrs WIndsor because he was asked by the spies of England to watch Mrs WIndsor and what she was up to because she was a traitor to the Crown and to the Monarchy and to the English country. She and Churchill plotted the murder of Philip, her husband's relative, Louis Mountbatten and they arranged for the IRA to do this dastardly job for them. Charles the heir to the throne now was in on this idea and plot. These people will never see the light of Heaven in their lives. They will be sad forever for doing this bad thing to me, to Lord Louis Mountbatten, and to countless English men and their families. Churchill sent these poor Lads to war in the War to end all wars to give Adolph Hitler a way to get English genes into the German genome and so that he would create an ideal Master Race where the Germans would have the English fair and blue eyed phenotype. This whole thing is truth. I am publishing it here. I will try not to do any more publishing like this this is going to be published her for a short time nd then I will make it a confidential post. |
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