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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| Here I am, thank God and Jesus Mine, and having a cup of coffee, and not exactly hungry to eat anything. Choices include: oatmeal, bacon and eggs, hard boiled eggs, deli sandwich, or a great big milk shake!!!! Will have the latter. In a minute. Maybe now. Am now having the milkshake. Used almond milk and RELIV NOW. I'm a distributor for RELIV. I've started a sewing business. I hope to attract frugal-minded people who wish to pay for me to sew them clothes, mostly scrubs. I'll be back. I went to Pinterest and saw pictures of Colin. He looked very handsome, and then I thought he would be a difficult person to live with because he's so handsome, and I'd be somewhat feeling unable to handle his attractiveness. If he and I were out in public I'd be worried about all the women who would be trying to attract him away from me, or if he were too nice to someone I'd start being jealous. I do not know why I am feeling as though it might be difficult living or seeing him even. I think something in me is not quite right. I've not felt this way until now. I think Sally has something to do with this, or her alter ego, Katie. They are the ones, Mary, Colin here. I do not want You to feel sad about me being handsome. I'm not as good as I used to be. I'm no good anymore. They'll be disappointed to see me now. Colin. I do still love You, Colin. I am grateful that You have kept me safe all my life. I want Us to be always together and someone is saying that's going to be boring to You after a while. I want to go out of this world where I live in. It's nice to have something to do, but these people will not be happy to hear that I've gotten a few more things to work on and they'll make You sad because they'll blame You for it. They'll blame Jesus too for it. I hope that there will be a day when You will get out of this world. |
| I'm feeling fuzzy headed now. I feel as though I'm being spiritually abused by that bastard Churchill. I wish he'd leave and go back to his stuff and be sad all the time and I'm hoping to be getting out of here soon. My Dad isn't my real Dad. He's not helpful. he seems to be off his own world. He doesn't wish to help me with my luLaroe Project and tells me he doesn't have money. But he does. He gets a lot of money from the Queen who tells him to make me sad all the time. I also know he has money from Marcos who gave him some money before we went to live in the USA. Marcos hated my Dad because he wouldn't let my Mom go along with Marcos so Marcos devised a way to make our family become targeted by Marcos haters in the USA. I didn't know all of this before the other day. I'm so fucked up because I lost my real family in Heaven. I want to go to Heaven soon, please God. I don't know how to go about going to Heaven. I wish to be not killed while going there. I know that some people go to a different place they call heaven. But I'm thinking I might want to go where my Husband Colin Firth lives. Mary |
| My life has been a series of failures after I got my first paying job out of Grad School: 1. Yale School of Medicine (1985-1987) - where I fell for a bastard and got into a series of mental hospitals into the 90's 2. Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center (1987-1991) - where I failed because I was lured out of NY to go to meet the same bastard who said he was going to meet me in Niagara Falls. 3. Purdue University Department of Physiology and Pharmacology (1991-1993) 4. Animal Disease Diagnostic Laboratory - left that place because they insulted Jesus to my face. 5. Series of jobs - all rundown and made me still sad. 7. Cook Biotech Inc - it was good while it lasted but that same bastard came back and brought with him Churchill. They directed my life all after 2017. ' |
| I'm up after a long afternoon rest. I had my dinner - egg drop soup and some ham from Swiss Colony. I'm not ravenous as an eater so it's ok. I blogged on Twitter. I also blogged on another site about my remembrances of being a pharmacy tech. That was a wish I wanted when I had been unemployed during the years after I left the Purdue lab for microbiology (Animal Disease Diagnostic Lab). The work was ok but it felt rather like a letdown because the first wish to fervently pray to get into the hospital went south after I saw what the life of a pharmacy tech was like. I couldn't speak too much of the life there as a pharmacy tech - not frankly enough - because I felt as though some people were listening to me there. I spoke out about the disparity between those who 'had' and those who 'did not have' what it took to earn a great amount of money to work there. The thing about it that got a bit of a letdown was the physical labor it took for me to do to keep working there, yet it seemed as though I was unable to use my mind in a constructive way, not as a way to 'get into people's minds' as some do for a living, but the abilities that God gave me weren't all there to be utilized. But I was a quiet enough worker, and merely observed how people acted, what they said and how they treated each other. For this, I suppose I had my work to do. I was therefore, a 'witness for Jesus' which I"m feeling as though this was the biggest objection to being a friend or acquaintance of a Catholic person. I was fine as a witness for Jesus. I might say I was a witness for Christ, a witness for God, a witness for the Clouds of Witnesses. I know the Bible has this phrase and those who are thinking of it should look to the Bible to see where this is located. When I felt as though Jesus was insulted when I left the ADDL in Purdue, I went out of that place and told some people that i worked for God. That thing I said to some people made one of them ask me to go with her and her boyfriend to some northern city in Indiana to look for or help unwed mothers to recover. At least that is how I interpreted her invitation. I said NO because I didn't quite like her. Something about this woman, Yvonne Van Der Aa made me rather doubtful of what she was and who she was. I wasn't quite sure what working for God was all about. But I didn't think of it consciously after that. I merely thought it was better to work for God than for some beastly person who used people to get where they wanted, and for their own selfish reasons. I went to go on and apply (during the time I worked at the pharmacy) to Purdue again (even though I swore never to return there). I went for an interview with a PhD researcher in cancer, the wife of a professor in the field of Veterinary medicine, who worked on dogs (female ones) to see how breast cancer might behave. She worked in the cancer research department at the Cancer center. She gave me a tour of her labs. The one place I felt sad about was their dog lab. There on the table was a beautiful dog, quite well toned, and it was dead. I was sorry this dog was dead. I saw no visible signs on the animal that he was in ill health. I left the interview and went home to tell my mom. She wasn't happy at the description of the dog and that it was one of many this woman researcher would use to do her research. Then the remark my mom said was "You are a Secular Franciscan and Francis was a happy animal person and he might not be happy to know you will be working on taking dog parts for research." or words to that effect. I never heard from that woman researcher but I did run into her at the grocery and she looked at me with surprise. I was happy then to tell her that I had a job somewhere else. I hope that with this New Year that there will be more people who would think about their jobs, how they could think of why they are working there, and whether they are being asked to work for a bad set of goals or if the place they work in is doing good for everyone. I'm still unable to do any writing. I have posted somewhere else my newest work, Hacked, as a book-in-writing. I don't know how far this writing will go but it might be the safest way to put out my work so that if anyone wanted to hack into it that would be witnessed by the "Clouds of Witness". I hear the word "Armaggedon" being said in the minds of my thoughts. I don't know why - unless the Bastard wants to annihilate the Clouds of Witness? I have to go now. Margot Huxley |
| Today I got a few dishes and pots and pans washed. I also got caught up with my LuLaRoe mailing list. I've got some packages to mail to my giveaways but it will depend on money as usual. I haven't a lot of money to spend on this. The book I'm giving away is the LO one, but that book seems have got a lot more pages (due to my zealousness in giving it large margins) so I have to allow for the extra weight and that means more money even though it's 'media mail' but it's the cheapest way to send books, unless it's 'library mail' but I'm not sending to libraries anyway. I am grateful to God my God for having another "day in Paradise" haha. I am seeing this weather tweet that the northern part of our state is receiving snow and that it might reach to our part (northwestern Indiana) later on today. So I'm not sure it is a good or safe thing to venture out today - and if you do, think of staying overnight somehow, haha. I'm sure those chaps out there are looking at their 'little black books' to see what girl they want to spend the night with, haha. Like that song "Baby It's Cold Outside." I've listened to this song time and again and the more I listen to it the more I'm scandalized. I have got this question - where would I like to be stranded in a cold and snowy evening? Not in this town but well... I can't think of a place. I'm so very sheltered I haven't any place to think of. I don't wish to travel either. The Dolomites come to mind, mostly because it's a scene from my -er - book on scenarios, let's just say. Hahaha. Having had breakfast I'm now going off to do some yarnwork and see about finding stamps to mail these newsletters to poor unsuspecting people to sell them florid gowns and leggings. |
| It's 27 December. Three am. Coffee and sugar cookies. Pets running about. I was in my other room where there was a congregation pets. I was 'shopping my closet' for an outfit to wear. Suddenly, all my pets (but for Dukie) were there finding a corner to sit in. Then I turned to see Katya looking from out the drapes and I laughed. She looked so cute and yet rather startled that her room (yes her room) has been invaded by Us, her Family. So I went off and told all to come along. I put on a dress, as I've not a lot that's clean. I hope everyone is good today! Mary |
| My Christmas and day after Christmas went as well as one can hope. I had no unwrapping of presents but I did have deliveries of these: a new Singer sewing machine, some stuff from Von Maur (some for my SO, Colin) and a couple of deliveries for the pets. I was also surprised that a big delivery of books arrived sometime in the last week. I will be working on getting these books given away. |
| It's Christmas evening. The tv is on, blaring about Charles Krauthammer, lol. They always put on something about him at Christmas, as if to negate the idea of Jesus living in this world of ours two thousand years ago. Charles Krauthammer is quoted here as saying on Christmas he shuts himself with his kid or family (I dont remember which one) and eat Chinese and watch horror movies. All Christmas day and night. So I wondered then whether this guy has a problem with Jesus. He is Jewish. But it seems rather a weird tradition to get into a small room watching horror movies and eating Chinese all through Christmas and into the next day? I wonder why this guy is so well loved by FOX NEWS that he is here as a tradition to watch when Christians celebrate Jesus' birth? And, why should anyone really care for Charles Krauthammer anymore. I think he's done and deserves to get some rest. Haha. It's coincidental that I am hearing FOX on this guy again. I would rather watch It's a Wonderful Life or that musical The Sound of Music on Christmas day or evening. Or some other Christmas movie but I am an old-fashioned girl. Must fly, Mary |
| My Christmas has been good enough so far. I awoke around 11:30 pm last night after a longish nap, then went off to bed when I heard some noises outside my window in the kitchen. I slept soundly and got up about 4 or so am. Then had a few browses on the internet. I made tea for me and my Guardian Angel, then cooked some sausage and then it wasn't good as it took a whlie to get browned. So I went and found a hard boiled egg near my computer so I ate that while I was vlogging on YouTube. It was fun and then I decided to colour my hair and now it's slightly more edgy and not conventional. I do not like being my age in that on paper it automatically puts me in an age bracket that tells people I'm out of it, out of the running, over the hill, everything that makes older people look unpalatable to those who might be interested in hiring or meeting or collaborating. An aging person doesn't feel good and the people who are hiring and wanting to collaborate get this feelilng that the applicant over 60 is boring and has nothign to speak for themselves. Well, i'm still good and eager to work for whatever is creative in writing. I am energetic enough but I do suffer from the creative blues and I tend to want to rest more frequenly as a result. I am also told that I'm pregnant and this is a fantastic thing for me as I've always wanteed to have kids. But the people who know of it are cautious as I've lost babies before but I'm hoping this one makes it out alive, haha. My SO isn't sure he wants babies now at our age. So I'm not telling him exactly. I'm also cautious but I feel as though I can confide in this place and I won't make it free to see it. I have had to stop writing since ODLT was released on Amazon and other websites. I feel like this book has killed me and my SO and my happy creative self. I do not do much more than the minimum for each day. I do knitting (I'm on another project - a sweater for my puppy) and I might actually finish it. I received a nice sewing machine by Singer for Christmas. My dad has a new laptop. My pets have a decent kibble to eat. I'm still able to make meals as usual. I don't like to make anything much but I have decided to stop making breads. The batters never seem to do anything and I am not about to waste more flour. I am not sure about desserts or small things like scones or cookies. I have some leftover bags of chocolate chips and even some nuts but i think nuts have a shelf life. I think chocolates have no real shelf life. I don't have any really good sugar but if I had to make cookies I'll not make too many. Rolls of bread might be stil under the category of breads so I won't do any rolls. Not unless my SO wants any. I started something like Merrys Syrian bread but I've stopped. our oven has stopped working anyway. I havent money to repair it and my Dad won't spend on this sort of thing any way. he is not eager to do this spending unless it's a matter of keeping us alive body and soul, haha, and so it will be mostly spent on us going from day to day and also on my trips (with him of course) to see my therapist and srhink in Indianapolis. I see the therapist next Monday at 10:30 am. The travel to and from Indy is harrowing and I'm very afraid we'll meet with a fiery end on the highway. I am afraid of those awful semi trailer trucks and once I saw one edging us off the highway. He was awful and seeme ddelighted to have me take his photograph for my evidence of who it was who got into our path! I sent it to someone I thought was a friend but it turned out it was a stranger. I never got a reply anyway. I'm not working ona full time or part time job. the last job was a scam. I am sure people have known this after it was known that the man was trying to use me to launder his filthy money. Do NOT work or do business with Singular Logic as that is what they said they represented when they hired me. I still have their "Employment letter" and also any "google hangouts' he and I had are archived. I dont know if Google is good any more but that place should have a record of the hangouts I had with the man who hired me. I wont go into more about how I've had such a negative life and filled with sadness. I have accepted that as a part of living on this earth and I am given a lot of support from having read people's books who've been able to give some views on how best to live a life of suffering. People I've met seem not to want to be suffering or be sad and it's a difficult thing to talk to them about it. I've wondered how they are now and if they are really able to discuss with people how they feel they can't handle pain, or sorrow, or suffering without the help of psychotropic drugs or marijuana or other illegal drugs. It's sad but they ought to seek help. I cannot be with them any way and I know some of them are in a big hurt and are put into such a tightrope where they have this idea that seeking help even in silent prayer will make someone they love sad or die. Let me say this: If you but pray every day, for a second or less, to Jesus or God Almighty or St Michael the Archangel every day every day every day this seeming abyss that you tread over on some rope wlil become less in profundity and you will find someone to share your difficulties with. Finding someone is always good - someone who's rooted to a sense of God's miraculous help, His ability to see before you what might lie ahead and to be prepared to keep you from getting off on the wrong foot at least. God will see your life and what is impacting you and your wish to have some sort of happiness. I'm not sure what is on for dinner. We have some steaks, a crab sushi meal, a beef something that's to be heated in the microwave. I am sure that because I've already eaten a big meal (pork hocks and curry rice) that I won't be that hungry much later. We are grateful that we have some money left but this is going to be gone soon. I have some cash I received from Dad and it will buy a few things, including cigarettes, haha. I do have some liquor for the Staff. I haven't tried a recipe for a hot toddy. I might go somewhere tomorrow to find some of the ingredients. I already have whisky. I have a wish to make other cocktails just because. We have ouzo and no beer. I've finished or maybe the Staff have finished the last of the beers. We have some sherry which Dad is keeping cold in the fridge but I have to say he might have forgotten it already. We have some warm on the counter. I don't remember the brand of the sherry. I don't think being 'pregnant' will be affected by the alcohol. My Guardian Angel tells me so. I always believe things are going to be alright. I have felt that God was in charge whenever I was in some places that I've never been to before. for example, I went to Washington DC for a two day meeting to learn about regulatory. I checked into a small hotel and used the GPS to get to the office where the meeting was held (RAPS office - Regulatory Affairs Professional Society). I walked there early in the mornings and passed their Chinatown and then got to their nice crowded city and went to the meeting and then the next day we were dismissed early. I saw a coffee place on the corner aruond the RAPS offices and went there but it was also busy and yet I did sit for a while to drink a coffee. I went round a bit to see what was what. I was able to shop at JCrew, got a top there, then found a church that was locked (I was surprised), then I went back to the Chinatown area to buy a curry noodle dish whcih was a generous servig which I ate some in the evening and some for breakfast. Then I also got to sit in the hotel for some breakfast, and then I signed up for a taxi service to pick me up from the hotel to take me to the airport. It was a frazzling thing as I had to wait for the taxi and was dismayed that the taxi service had to pick up more passengers and my time for departure was drawing nigh! but I got to the airport and felt so relieved to get going. I sat by a young girl who was listening to her iPod (or whatever it was ) and then i prayed a rosary and then sat back to do nothing in particular. Then the girl and I talked and she said she hated traveling. Another time I had to attend a RAPS conference in maryland and that was alternately good and frustrating and even a bit saddening. The woman who was my superior (she got promoted soon after I was transferred over to that department) had to be my roomie and she was not a great friend - she always ran late and it was something I was impatient about. She also complained to me that I snored. Well, I sort of do snore but i felt a bit unhappy she complained. Then she and I would go to these dinners with all the other members of my employer (all the time) and in the evening so I and she had to WALK all over to the restaurants where the group wanted to eat at. The lognest walk was somewhere at the end of the water or bay area and it was in a rather nice restaurant but the neighborhood wasn't that comfortable for me. I preferred a taxi to get there but no we had to walk. Then one of those days was a weekend and my roommate had a meeting that day so I was at loose ends and I decided to attend Mass. I googled churches in the area and one was at the St Jude Shrine in the inner aprt of Baltimore. Well, I was not a happy camper to see that walking into the inner city was a very iffy thing to do. I met nobody really on the way there, very lonely city streets with a few questionable but perhaps self-absorbed people there. I hunkered down and was grateful that I wasn't that attractive nor was I any sort of pretty face to get them to follow me and perhaps attack me. I had a largish Dooney and Burke portofolio that had a long shoulder strap. I got to the Shrine early. I saw some Filipino women who were holding forth and knew a lot about the small souvenir shop in the basement. I bought a St Jude bracelet. Then i went up to attend the service but it wsas still early. I went to the Shrine where they had a statue of St Jude. It was also crowded with mahy pilgrims. Then I noticed a number of tourists who arrived. They were there for St Jude's Feast Day! It was so crowded that I was glald to have a front seat and prayed with the ladies the rosary before Mass. I left that church but someone before I did mentioned St Someone's house which was a tourist spot. I was feeling a bit adventurous so I went off with my GPS to find this house. It was also a place where tourists went and there wwere two ladies who greeted me. They told me there was a small auditorium where I could sit and watch a short video on this woman's life. Then after that they showed me this woman's house which dated back to I don't kjnow George Washington's day. I went to all the rooms, took pictures, saw how very frugal and sparsely decorated her house was, and then went out and toured the premises and too more pictures. i left and then decided to walk to the Basilica. At that point i went on this city street and I was surprised (almost out of my skin) by a man who asked me if I carried any cash. I felt my spine chill and it was so frightening to hear this man's voice behind me. I decided to look at him like he was a pest and told him I never carry cash. I suggested that the bus (because he said he needed cash for the bus) might have credit card slots to pay. Then I turned away and kept on walking this time faster because I was still afraid I was going to be murdered right there. I found the basilica and saw a gaggle of tourists from some other place - all Filipinos. They were posing for pictures outside the basilica. I got inside and saw the service had been ended and hardly anybody were sitting there. I took more pictures. Sat a bit and then left. by then I realized that my iPhone's battery was running low. I was filled with great alarm and I said to myself this battery needs to stay on until I get to my hotel!!! I followed the GPS again, trusting it too much. Then I felt the air change from hot to breezy. I realized I was near my hotel which was near the edge of the water. I was so happy that I walked and then i got to my hotel all the time feeling grateful. I got to the hotel, went straight to the restaurant and ordered a pizza. Iate most of it, put myfeet on the chair nearby and felt so fucking happy and quite tired. i went to my room and slept soundly. i was roundly scolded by my Guardian Angel about this trip to the inner city of Maryland. I had to defend myself and answered that it was a Sunday and I had to attend Church. I think he's still upset about this. It's been two or three years or maybe four years since this happened. I think that I won't travel on my own anymore. I hope that it will be something that someone needs to understand. I am so sad that I've alarmed some of my Family. Must go, Mary |
| The weelend went ok enough. I don't remember much of it. I think I was nervous about my new puppy and how he'd fare along if I left for a short while to get some errands so I took him along, so with his older brother Max. But it was ok. I did feel as though I were carrying a little baby, but he isn't a baby like a little human baby, but he does remind me he's a little baby pup and he's quite a good one, but he does tend to be too much for Max sometimes. I think he's more aggressive at that age than Max. I wonder whether Max is on some sort of sad meds still. They told me at the shelter he's on some or was on anti-depressants and it might be he's still getting some after effects or, he's just that way. Max has been through two households. He came from Texas the shelter said. I do'nt even know why Texan dogs get to my part of the USA? I am a bit puzzled. I think he could understand Spanish and a few times I've practiced my Spanish on him, haha. I can actually speak a straight sentence (with some uhs and ahs) but then it all seems to be understood by Max! When I have the leash with me, he likes to hide and run off (I mean, run off and hide under the couch) and I'm puzzled. He's not into walking and he doesn't wish to go with us to ride sometimes. This morning he surprised me. He saw me get the small puppy Whimsey along with me and Max was quite interested and then when I opened the front door, he was right there along with us. He wasn't leashed either. So I let him come out and he did and when I got to the car I saw him walk alongside it. So I opened the door (back door) and he (after hesitatin') got inside. Then I got me and the puppy in the front and we all waited a bit for the defroster to remove the frost. Then we went on and I got to do an errand. I took the puppy along to get stamps at the neighbor store. That store has a funny looking aquatic set of animals in a big tank of water next to the wall. They have Pacus or whatever they call it huge fish that are big around and quite black in colour. Then today I saw they had another fish that was more of a zebra color (black and white) and a bit more daunting in its quiet presence. Another place we went to at times was the pawn shop over in Lafayette and they have a the biggest turtle whatever thing it is there. It's quite a spectacle to behold. I asked about it but I forgot what they said. I have been there over the last two years occasionally to sell something or other to get cash to use for usual household expenses. My Dad has been telling me to sell the golf clubs but when I went to another place (another cash loan place) they would only take it for $10 or $15 dollars . So I said no, I might practice my swing on the range or whatever they call it and see how I do . I took lessons with some girls from work one time (a series of lessons) and it was a rather droll time for me. One of us was actually seducing the golf instructor and he gave her a huge number of minutes while we other girls stood by and watched this rather silly exchange of innocence and bad stupid innuendoes and I was not happy. Nobody else was. I think that instructor was so in love with this woman (she wasn't a nubile girl by any means) but it was something that hung in the air every time we went to go for lessons . I didn't learn much. My golf swing isn't good. I do like to swing and see if I can hit what they call a "sweet spot " and get that ball aloft a long way away. Oh well. Too bad it's winter here (or at least they say it is - it's balmy). Must go Mary PS Cooking lunch - you can see it on my blog on blogger. |
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