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 |   A day in the life of... me! |
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A HUGE Thank you to Emily   for the beautiful ribbon  First place in "The Bard's Hall Contest"  for July/August 2012!A day in the life of... me! Sometimes I need to rant. Sometimes I have something burning on my mind. Sometimes I'm so angry I feel like reverting back to old coping mechanisms. So I thought a journal was a good idea! I feel ranting is an important part to life, everyone does it to some degree or another and it's not healthy to bottle things up inside. So for those moments where I feel a rant (or just a general thought) and want to get it off my chest, here it will be! However, ranting is not everything. Sometimes I just feel like I want to share something with someone, and often there is nobody to listen (wow that makes me sound sad! I do have friends but I tend to let them do the talking rather than share). So here I can get things off my chest, rant or be happy, whatever the mood ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Apologies for my entry yesterday, I was really angry and upset when I wrote it. Since then, we've worked everything out and he apologised (as well as me). I always find myself thinking I wish relationships were straight forward, I hate arguing, but I think it's part of life and without it... where would we be? Apart from happy (hehe) I suppose we all need a way to vent our anger and that's one way people do it. Arguing, or debating at least, can be fun, but only when both parties are involved. Last night I was not. I was just screamed at. I think that's what made it so unfair. So again I apologise for my rant (and my language, I don't usually swear that much) x |
| I've spent my afternoon going through all of my paperwork for my new job ready for my meeting tomorrow. It's like an informal induction tomorrow and I'm exciting rather than anthing, though I think come tomorrow I might be a little nervous! It feels really real now that I've finally got all my stuff through I can't wait to start! I'm going to my aunt's tonight to watch Eclipse and eat popcorn and I'm super excited for that too, especially after a day at work and then paperwork |
| Do you ever feel like there's someone in your life that you'll never measure up to, no matter how hard you try? Do you ever feel like you're always going to be second best, and those standards are completely different to those people who are up on the pedestal? I bet you do. I think I've always felt like that, just never realised it. |
Well I'm definately feeling much better today. I'm going to put down yesterday's emotional state into tiredness. Exhaustion maybe. I don't do well on no sleep, or lack of sleep. So I'm feeling much better today and looking forward to going for a run out with my partner for lunch at a local bookshop Sounds like heaven, right  x |
| I'm feeling a little melancholy and I don't know why. Perhaps it's the lack of sleep. I've had a bout 6 hours (for the past few nights) and I'm one of those gals who needs their sleep to function. It always seems like such a good idea at the time...and then I wake up the next morning and curse the day. Lol. Oh well. No but I guess I have other things on my mind too. I stayed at my friends last night and we had a really good night as always. We ended up talking about a friendship I have with a guy. I consider this guy to be one of my best friends. He's always been there for me and even sometimes been a crutch to prop me up. I'll never be able to forget him. And I don't want to. But I haven't seen him since January and I miss him. Is that wrong to say? It got to the point that I felt like I was making him meet up with me when he didn't want to, he never contacted me. So I left it and thought, well he knows where I am. And even though it hurt I kept it up, until last night. I'm going to a festival with him and some friends later on this year and we're travelling down together so I'll see him then, but I don't want that to be the first time I'll see him since January. I really miss him and I feel wrong for it but I can't help it. When I've been through rough times he's been there. I shared my first festival experience with him. We used to see each other every week and now it dwindles down to this; feeling like I don't matter enough to even contact anymore. When he text me back last night it was so blaise, like 'Oh hey yeah we haven't spoken for a while isn't that funny?' Does he really judge my friendship as opaque and meaningless, because it's not to me. Yet while I text him I'm certain I'm not going to go running. If he doesn't want our friendship to be the way it was, I won't make it be like that. I'm not going to make him awkward or put him in a compromising position. I guess I just want to know what has changed. Yes he got a girlfriend (and she's lovely) but does that really mean that he can't see me anymore? We're not in school. I'm sorry, I guess it just hurts. And the thought of having to go to work being sleep deprived, having an empty stomach and feeling blue, really means it worse. Oh well. |
Jeez! The weather here is crazy. Last week I was out enjoying the sunshine as much as I could. I got sunburnt on the ramble I went on! Today, it is snowing. Yep, that's right. Snowing. How on earth can the weather change so quickly? Okay so I kind of know. The UK is right in the middle of two shifting and ever changing cycles of pressure. They collide and change constantly which affects our weather dramatically. But shoving that aside just for a minute, what the Hell?! I'm having to dig my winter coat back out and I'm considering wearing wellies for work tomorrow. That's how crazy it is. I want it to be sunny so I can go out and enjoy myself, enjoy the weather and do something. But I bet it's going to rain over the bank holiday instead  |
| I have to say I am super proud of myself! I had an interview on Wednesday morning for an organisation here in Newcastle which helps homeless people. I prepared for the interview for days, thinking of things they might ask and writing things out and then saying it out loud. Then I got to the interview. I was fine until I got there, then my stomach was fluttering. It was awful. I actually thought I was going to be sick. Then they called me in and I didn't have anymore time to think about it. There were three women on the panel and I answered their questions, offering my opinion and expanding on points, the whole time being totally honest. I was told I'd hear back on Thursday afternoon and when I didn't, of course I assumed the worst. Then the call came today, offering me the job! I was so surprised and excited! It feels so good to know I'm going to be working for an organisation that I really want to be involved with, helping people and supporting them. And it feels good to know I didn't study for my Masters degree for no reason! I'll be working nights which I haven't done before but I'm really willing to give it my best shot and can't wait to get started! |
| I've just had a look through a folder in my port containing my short stories of horror and what not and I've realised how often I write the word 'The' into my title. I do it because it feel like it works well and sometimes adds to the tension. But is it, in fact, a bad thing? Hmmmm.... I joined a Brownies group last night as a helper. It's not all official yet but it looks like I'm going to be their new Snowy Owl! It's very exciting I had a lot of fun seeing what went on, we didn Easter crafts decorating eggs and cards and then played a few games. And one of the girls seemed to really take to me. It was lovely, and we managed to enjoy the hot weather a little bit too! But I woke up this morning realising that I'd dreamed of doing games and activities with the Brownies hehe! I think that's gotta mean something. So I'm going to get planning and see what games I can come up with. If there are any youth workers out there feel free to let me know any that you think are good, in your experience |
| I've had a really great weekend just gone. Saturday I spent on a ramble. We hiked 12 miles from Ingram Valley to Powburn. I saw some beautiful sights, met some lovely people and got to spend time with my dad. The day was beautiful (which is strange for March weather in the UK), I got a little sunburnt but saw lots of gorgeous flowers and wee little lambs! The only thing I'm suffering with now is two huge blisters on the back of each heel! By the end of the day I was knackered but had a well deserved pint of cider and a snickers at the pub before we left. I'm considering going back on Saturday with my partner because there's a picture I really wish I'd gotten. So fingers crossed the weather's just as nice. On sat night I enjoyed a takeaway with my partner then pretty much fell asleep! I was knackered. On Sunday, I went to work with a group of women who have mental health problems. We cook Sunday lunch and have chat, I love doing it. It was a nice day although we have a different facilitator now so things are changing around a bit. Change is good but I ended up coming away annoyed because I needed to get home and I had to give a lift and she took a long time. And I know it sounds stupid but you know when you get into one of those awful, bad moods over what seems like absoluately nothing? Well that was me. Then I drove to find the place for my interview on Wed with my parents and got my car valued for part exchange (getting a new one at the end of this week!) Then I went home, logged on for a little, did some interview prep and then went to my Aunty's to watch the final installment of Harry Potter. I've seen them before but she hasn't so it was her first time watching all eight movies (over consecutive Sunday nights!) So all in all I had a fab weekend. I was really worried that my little modd was over taking because I could feel it consuming me, I found it difficult to drag myself away from it but I did. Which is great. I remember that feeling from a long time ago and it's not something I want to go back to if I can help it! |
| Do you know, I don't know if this is strange or not but when I come to WdC, when I log on, I find myself feeling comforted. I feel like I'm in a world where more people can understand me even though they don't know me. Does that sound stupid? It probably does. I don't know I'm not just afraid to be who I am here. There are so many instances in life where I feel (probably much as other people do) that I have to change to fit in or I can't quite be myself. And while I don't think that's right sometimes I think it's necessarty. I feel that while I'm here I can really be myself, I can express myself the way I want to and I won't be judged. And that's a really nice feeling to have. I circles of friends and of course my family who support me, but I think WdC is one of the most supportive environments I'm involved in. I always really look forward to logging onto the site because there are so many wonderful people who use it and who want to support you. They are always positive and make me smile when I read their emails. It's not always like that out in the real world. Don't get me wrong, I know that I live in the real world and it's not like I hate it, in fact, I think I like it more than other people I know do, but it's just not as consistently supportive and positive as WdC! Anyway, that's my rant over I guess. I just wanted to express how I felt about it In other news I start as a voluntary Brownie helper next week and I'm really excited. I like working with young people, particularly women because I think they're often overlooked and it will give me a chance to really get to know those young people, find out what they like and help them feel empowered in their lives. Maybe I won't explain it to them in that way though! hehe. I used to write in a journal a lot, whether it be online here or at home in the privacy of my room. And I guess I always told my private journal more than my online one. But I find now, as I'm growing older and things around me seem easier to cope with and things are more positive, I don't feel the need to do it so much. A lot of what I used to write about were my impending emotions, usually anger or distress, and in the process of growing up and learning to cope better with life's problems, I learned to deal with that in a more constructive way. So now I don't write as much when I'm feeling a particular high emotion. I suppose in some ways that's good and some it's bad. I used to harness the energy of those emotions to write and really get to grips with the emotion of the character, I think I find that a little harder now. But I'm getting there, I think. Anyway, so this entry has been a bit of a hodge podge of stuff but it's whats been on my mind recently! |
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Just for you BJ Hope your have'n a good day. 
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