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 |  My Blog....Pearls of wisdom and/or foolish mutterings.....You be the judge.... |
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A little of this, a dash of that......epic mood swings.......A LOT of foolish mutterings and occasionally a few words of wisdom. It's a crapshoot. You never know what you'll find in here... |
| KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And my own personal favorite: My grandson Aiden came to my house one afternoon after attending "church-house" as he calls it. He was in the toy room, singing his little heart out. I stepped closer to hear what he was singing and heard: "WE CRY HOLY MOLY MOLY WE CRY HOLY MOLY MOLY WE CRY HOLY MOLY MOLY TO THE LAMB." |
| My best friend and I had a little tiff the other day. There's a little more to it, but basically it went like this. Her: Why are you letting your hair grow out? Me: Because when I look around, every woman over 50 has her hair cut the same way. (As I'm saying this, I'm looking at her hair which is pretty much identical to the style I was growing mine out from - OOOOPPPSS!) Her: (about 2 weeks later) Oh yeah, well you're fat. As it happens, I decided that I looked old and frumpy with my hair grown out, so I cut it again. Back to that same style that I had declared was for "more mature" women. (Yeah, I'm discovering there is a reason so many women wear their hair short; same reason I did for so long and now am AGAIN - it looks a LOT better that way.) My friend saw my new picture on here and promptly sent me this email, which I thought was hilarious. Depressing as hell, but very funny. "Since you've gotten your hair cut in the post 50 "do," I thought you might relate to these as well." If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to. 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2 In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you ???? " 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM . 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list |
| Holy Bat, Crap Man! (My brother says that all the time - or he used to anyway - I need to remind him to start saying it again because it cracks me up everytime.) Isn't it just amazing the things a misplaced (or, I could argue, a WELL-placed, comma can do?) I feel a wave of biting sarcasm coming on but it hasn't arrived in all its splendor quite yet, so I'm just pounding the keys hoping to give it an open door. I have this feeling that if I could just rip someone a new a**hole, I could shake this funk I'm in. Either that, or I need to laugh out loud in one of those deep, gutteral, verging on manly-sounding, completely uncontrollable laughing binges. But the pissy mood I've been in has prohibited me from the laughing part. So, given that sad fact, I'm looking for someone to rip into. Volunteers? No? I thought not. Have any of you seen that commercial for that show "Monk" where some big,burly guy says in a gruff and growly voice to oh-so-proper Monk, "How about I just rip you a new one?" And Monk says, very politely and timidly, "Um, uh, no, no thank you, I don't really need a new one." That makes me laugh just thinking about it. But not enough to shake off this pissy mood. Damn. Maybe I'm just hormonal. Hee hee, don't men just hate it when women say that? Like it's some icky girlie thing that they might catch if they stand too close. But, would they like it any better if we said it in a language they could understand (and one that is probably closer to the truth?) Something along the lines of, "Oh well, don't mind me, I'm just feeling slightly homicidal tonight." Or, "If I could just maim you a bit, it might make me feel better. It's nothing personal. Please don't take it that way. But a little maiming could definitely improve my mood." |
| You know, some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed. I wish I was the kind of person who could just stay in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. Never have been able to pull that one off, but it sounds really appealing today. I have an aunt and a cousin who joke about taking vacations in the "loony bin." Both of them actually have spent time in the "loony bin" and judging from what they've said about their time there, they both liked it. Most days I think that's really stupid, but days like today the loony bin holds a certain allure. Actually, maybe it's just the loony part that's attractive. No pressure to have a rational thought, somebody else would have to make all the decisions, someone else could be the responsible one for a change. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! But I would want a loony on/off switch so that I could turn it on and off at will. Which, of course, pretty much defeats the whole purpose of wanting to "go loony." I mean, if I was truly loony, I wouldn't have the presence of mind to ever hit the off switch, now would I? So dammit, I guess that must mean that I don't really want to be loony, after all. Okay, fine then, how about just unconscious? So now, here we are back at the bed with the covers waiting to be pulled up over my over-stressed head. And I can't seem to do it. About the closest I can come to being irresponsible is to be a procrastinator. Even that doesn't really work well for me, because after a while, it's like a gun in my back telling me to get off my duff and do what has to be done. When I was a kid, my mom was always able to pull off the covers-over-the-head thing. When she got too stressed or just didn't think she was getting enough attention, she would have a nervous breakdown and off to the "loony bin" she would go. Hell, where is a good old-fashioned nervous breakdown when you need one? Hey, here's a thought. Maybe I'll get really rowdy and rebellious and just misspell a whole bunch of words in my blog. Now there's a rebel for you! Escapism for the responsible. That might work. I would get all anxious and sweaty and maybe it would tip me over the edge to a nervous breakdown and ultimately, the loony bin! Maybe I'll work on that. Kay Jordan ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| If you have not seen the movie In the Valley of Elah with Tommy Lee Jones and Susan Sarandon, you absolutely must! It's a great movie - very sobering, but an awesome movie. It makes such a strong statement about the state of our country right now that it's almost like a punch in the stomach. I love movies (or books, songs, etc) that have such a strong effect on me like this one did. Also, his most recent movie No Country for Old Men is an incredible movie too and one you shouldn't miss. Watch these two movies in close proximity to each other and you will get the feeling that Mr. Jones is making a statement. And one that more and more of us seem to share. The direction we have taken as a nation is a scary one indeed - not a subject I want to spend too much time dwelling on tonight, but "statement" movies like these two do give me a little hope that more and more people are starting to see the dangerous trends and are taking a stand. Opinions, anyone? |
| Uh oh! I made a big mistake - and boy did I hear about it from my daughter. Last night, we had bunko at my house and the conversation eventually wound its way around to blogs. I quickly found out that my daughter, Breeann, definitely took note of the fact that I plugged her brother's blog in my blog, but hadn't done the same thing for her. OOOOPPPPSSSS!!! So this is my attempt at reconciliation. Please everyone, check out my beautiful, wonderful daughter Bree's blog at http://berrieann.blogspot.com/ - I also have a link to her blog on my blog list to the left. And I would like for you to all take note that I finally took the time to figure out how to add you all to my blog list. I'm not a detail person AT ALL, so that's why it has taken me this long to figure out how to do the nifty little list at the left. But, I'ver got it now! Anyway, back to my daughter's blog - she is a genius - just like all the rest of my kids - spoken like a true proud mother, right? She is the mom of Aiden and Olivia, who you are all familiar with if you've been reading my blog for any length of time at all. Also, while I'm at it...... The link to the blog called Tapped Out is my son-in-law's blog - he calls it a clog because it's more like a column, than a blog. But he's got some great things to say and he does make a mother-in-law very proud. He's the father of Aiden and Olivia, by the way, and, of course, Bree's husband. PS If I have left anyone out on my blog list, it's purely by accident and I will be correcting it as soon as I discover my mistake. You know I love all of you like family!! As a matter of fact, I just remembered someone I have to go add right now! |
| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My granddaughter Olivia is such a delight. She is a happy, carefree little girl who is busy all the time just doing her job, which is being a little girl. And she does it very well. Her world is a place of security and peace, full of people who don't just love her--they absolutely adore her. She is a princess and will tell you that she is one. She is convinced of that fact because everyone in her world has told her that since the day she was born. She is everything that a beautiful and bright almost-four-year-old girl should be. She knows that when she is with her Mimi (that's me), she is the center of my world and that every word that comes out of her mouth is of utmost importance to me. She is convinced of the fact that should she have need of anything at all, her Mimi will move heaven and earth to get it for her. And she's quite right--that's exactly what her Mimi would do. She sings, dances, talks, and plays with complete abandon--not a care in her heart. And that is as it should be. I can sit and watch Olivia for hours. I marvel at the way she totally immerses herself in her play, at the unbridled enthusiasm she has for every task and at the wonder in her eyes with every new discovery, no matter how big or small. She can melt me with just one glance my way and her hugs and sweet little kisses always make my heart soar. She embodies innocence. I have discovered that there is a magic to Olivia. Her very presence--so sweet and unassuming--is a balm to my tortured soul. Over the past year, I have finally been strong enough to come face to face with the tragedy that was my childhood. I've been able, at long last, to look at the battered little girl who lives inside of me and to acknowledge her existence. I no longer minimize her pain or declare to myself and others that it wasn't so bad. I have embraced the truth of my childhood. It was hell. The magic of Olivia is in watching her grow without fear or worry, without physical or emotional scars--and in knowing that I have been a part of that miracle. And so, the battered little girl inside of me is healing. Olivia's giggles wash over my bruised and battered heart like soothing oil. The joy in her heart, every unguarded emotion she displays, every carefree word she speaks--all bring me to a place of renewal. Olivia's innocence allows me to have hope once again. Hope for the world I inhabit, hope for the future and hope that the bruised and battered little girl in my soul can one day be free of the pain that haunts her. |
| There are some things that just make no sense at all. Those are the kinds of things I feel like writing about today. I'm giving you fair warning that once you have finished reading my blog for today, you will be privy to to some little known facts, but some of them may very well be facts that you might have preferred never to have known. Be that as it may, let us press forward into heretofore unexplored regions. (I also feel like using a bunch of important-sounding words today, so be prepared for that, as well.) In honor of the upcoming and much-ballyhooed elections, let us explore some laws that may have escaped your notice until now. For example, did you know that: 1. Sex toys are banned in Alabama. 2. It is illegal for unmarried couples to have sexual intercourse in Georgia. 3. San Antonio, Texas just has no sense of fun whatsoever - flirting is banned there. 4. Oral sex is banned in Indiana; and Cincinnati, Ohio draws the line at anal intercourse. 5. Th only legal sexual position in Washington D.C. is missionary-style. 6. Minnesota is taking no chances at all - it is illegal to sleep naked there. 7. Minnesota also wants to make sure that if a man is fishing, that better be all he is doing. It is illegal for a man to have sex with a live fish. (Apparently it's okay if the fish is dead.) 8. Florida has an old statute on the books stating that two people cannot commit "unusual acts" together. No definition on the "unusual acts" is provided, so evidently unusual is left to the discretion of the law officer. 9. California lawmakers must have been feeling very considerate when they made the law that made it illegal for either partner to reach climax before the other during foreplay. And on an even deeper level of bizarre: 1 It is illegal to have sex with a porcupine in Florida. (How would one even attempt such a thing? And why?) 2. In Nevada, penis costumes are not allowed to be worn while conducting business as a member of the legislature while it is in session. (Who even has a penis costume?) These are my two favorites: 1. It is illegal in Utah to marry your first cousin ....... unless you are over the age of 65. 2. Sex with an animal is perfectly legal for men in Washington state, but the animal must not weigh more than 40 pounds. That's all the nonsense I can come up with for now. I'll break in with an update if I discover more. I know you'll be waiting in eager expectation. These are things you can't learn just anywhere. And you're welcome. |
I was reading Special Kay  's blog this morning about the idiot she once dated who sent her a list of Things I Do Not Like About Kay. Sheesh - what a moron. That got me thinking about some of the losers I dated many, many, many years ago before I married Hubby. A few special cases came to mind, so in homage to Special Kay , here is a short list of my "Best of the Worst."1. A Guy named Barry: Okay, so he pesters me forever to go out with him and I finally relent. He wasn't my type at all, it was a pity date from the get-go, but I figured what the heck,there are worse ways to spend a Saturday night. WRONG. He picked me up in HIS MOTHER'S CAR--never a good thing. The seats were leather and had been ArmorAll-ed to a fare-thee-well. As I sat down on the passenger side seat, I slid halfway across and was stopped from going all the way across only by the pull-down armrest in the middle of the bench seat. Barry got in, put the car in reverse, backed out of the driveway (with his hands at the 10 and 2 position on the steering wheel, of course), and drove carefully away from my house. He was as quiet as a church-mouse, not a word escaped his mouth. The silence in the car was deafening. At least it was until he approached a stop sign, stomped on the brakes and I slid off the seat into the floorboard. Now, remember this was way back when, when seat belts were merely an adornment in cars and were only used by race-car drivers and...well, I don't know who else bothered to use them, but most people didn't even think about it. So, there I was sitting in the floorboard with Barry just looking at me. He didn't say a word, just stared at me. I mumbled something about "those seats sure are slippery" while I waited for him to offer me a hand to help me back up in the seat. Nope - no hand was forthcoming. I finally gave up and climbed back up on the seat without his assistance, thank you very much. Now, at this point, what I should have done was ask him politely to take me back home. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and soldiered onward, thinking to myself that it had to get better. It didn't. Barry took me to the drive-in movie (remember, this was over thirty years ago.) After he parked the car, he turned to me and said, "You don't want any popcorn or anything to drink, do you?" I just shook my head, wondering what the hell I had been thinking when I accepted this date. I don't know what the movie was because I was too busy looking at my watch, willing the night to be OVER! After the movie, we went to Taco Villa, which was THE fast-food eatery in Odessa at the time. Barry pulled through the drive-thru to order. While I was thinking to myself He can't be serious! We aren't even going inside?!, he turned to me and said "You're not hungry, are you?" Hell yes I was hungry. He didn't let me have popcorn or anything else at the movies, for pity's sake! But I said, "Oh, no, you go ahead. I'm fine." Any other male with a brain knows that when a woman utters those words I'm fine, she is most decidedly not fine. She is, in fact, so far from fine that it isn't even a blip on the radar. Not Barry, he took my words at face value, ordered for himself, got his food and parked so I could watch him wolf down his two burritos, a taco and a large drink. In addition to being highly insensitive, he was obviously blind, given the fact that he never seemed to notice the daggers I was shooting at him with my eyes the entire time he was enjoying his food. At least I didn't have to worry about whether or not he had the bad manners to talk with food in his mouth because he was still eerily quiet. By this time, I had long since given up trying to start a conversation with him because all I wanted to do was go home. So there we sat, in total silence, except for his crunching, chewing, swallowing and gulping. That and the voices in my head that were telling me what an idiot I had been to accept this date in the first place. When Barry was finished with his one-man buffet, he asked what I would like to do next. If looks alone could have killed, he would have been one dead bad date. Unfortunately, I was not able to bring death to him with just the hideous glare from my eyes. Instead, I said to him, through clenched teeth, "I think I would like to go home now." He looked at me as if I had slapped him. I wished I had. "You want to go home?" he asked me, with complete surprise in his voice. I simply nodded my head. "Did I do something wrong?" Oh, the answers I could have given him when he opened that door. But I didn't, I just shook my head and stared at him. He started the car--his mother's car--and drove like a bat out of hell to my house. Screeching to a halt in front of the house, he reached across my lap and opened the door for me to get out. I stepped out of the car and didn't even have time to slam the door shut before he took off again like a bullet down the street. I stood there in my front yard for a while wondering if what just happened had really happened. It all seemed too cartoonish to be true. Oh, but it was true, it was all too terribly true. So I got even with him the next week at school. I told everyone and their uncle's dog about my date with Barry. Oddly, he never spoke to me again. Hmmmm. 2. Then there was Roger. He was a strange one. Took me to his house to watch movies. Then wanted to "wrestle" in the floor. I said, "I don't wrestle." He took me home. I was glad. 3. I dated a guy named Mike who took me for pizza and then to hang out with some of his friends. I had braces at the time. Funny thing--when I got home that night and looked in the mirror, I had a piece of bell pepper stuck right on my front tooth in my braces, which obviously had been there all night, since the pizza, I'm sure. Gentleman Mike never mentioned it to me. How kind. I could go on and on, but I'd rather not. I'm getting a little depressed as I write this. I just wish I had had the forethought to compose a Things I Do Not Like About_______ list for Barry, Roger and Mike. They, unlike our Special Kay deserved a list. |
| Lordy, Lordy, Lordy...... what a day today was! Not exactly the romantic, hearts and flowers kind of day we had planned, but at least we got all the doctors out of the way - for the time being, anyway! Okay, here's the run-down: I have a stress fracture in my foot. No telling how I got it, but let's just say I don't think I'll be doing a lot of physical labor on the houses for a while! The doctor sent me for an x-ray to confirm the stress fracture. Didn't get the results back before his office closed, but he was pretty sure that's what it is. And he sure knew where to press on my foot to find the source of the pain. Yowser!!!! Dr. M says there isn't much to do with a stress fracture except for grin and bear it while it heals. He did give me some pain pills though. Said the pain in my back is from my uneven gait from the pain in my foot and it should take care of itself as my foot heals. Fun, fun, fun. But compared to Hubby, my health problems are a walk in the park. Poor baby, he has apparently been beating the hell out of himself when no one is looking. He has a badly sprained muscle in his back, tendonitis in his elbow and severe carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands. Not to mention his bad knee which keeps popping out and making him scream like a little girl. So, looks like Hubby is looking at surgery for his carpal tunnel. I told him today when we were on the way to the place where they did his test for carpal tunnel, "Well, Honey, this is our life now. Doctors, x-rays, more doctors, lab tests." At least we can laugh about it, so I guess we're still doing okay. I talked to my sister later and she said, "Crap, when did we get so old?" Kinda sneaks up on you, doesn't it? |
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I'm so far right the Tea Party looks like a bunch of hippies!
