%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  My Blog....Pearls of wisdom and/or foolish mutterings.....You be the judge.... |
|
A little of this, a dash of that......epic mood swings.......A LOT of foolish mutterings and occasionally a few words of wisdom. It's a crapshoot. You never know what you'll find in here... |
| Since I started therapy in February of 2007, I've rediscovered so many of my former passions that had fallen to the wayside along this journey of life. One of those passions that had fallen away is self-discovery through various methods, one of them being self-help books. At one time, I was an absolute fiend about reading self-help books. I had forgotten how much I enjoy reading about subjects that relate to me and my particular brew of dysfunction. Frequently over the last few months, I have found myself passing over the stack of fiction books by my bedside in favor of the growing stack of informational, self-help books. Additionally, in my hours-long jaunts to the book store (I prefer Barnes and Noble, but if I'm pressed for one, any old book store will do), I realize that I am spending my money less and less on my favorite fiction authors (and I have a long list of those, mind you) and more often than not, on a growing variety of psychological, self-improvement and informational books. My at-home library has changed significantly in nature. I usually have 3-4 books at any given time that I am in the process of reading. So my brain can be quite the stew of simmering thought processes at times. One subject that has bubbled to the surface often of late is something I read about self-defeating behaviors. So many times when I have read books that address this particular issue, I have tended to skip over these chapters, thinking to myself that the subject doesn't really apply much to me. I've never considered myself to be someone who has a tendency toward self-defeating behaviors. In light of recent discoveries, I think I may need to go back and review some chapters on DENIAL. Somewhere in all of those books stacked beside my bed, or perhaps somewhere in WDC, I came across a list of self-defeating behaviors. (I felt it was important to give credit where credit is due, so I searched until I found the source - here it is, from one of our own: "Invalid Item"  by A Guest Visitor ) This list was encased within a subject that very much applies to me, so I gave the subject a little more consideration than I normally would have. Expecting to find evidence to support my belief that I do not engage in self-defeating behaviors, I read through the list. WHOA! The very first item on the list was like a slap in the face. There it was--in black and white--undeniable evidence that I do possess at least one self-defeating behavioral trait. PROCRASTINATION. I am the Queen of Procrastination - always have been and it is one of the things about myself that I've never been particularly fond of. I had never thought of procrastination as a self-defeating behavior, but once I gave it more than a passing consideration, it made a lot of sense. Of course it is a self-defeating behavior. Duh! Acknowledging that I am possessed of at least one trait on the list, I decided to read further. What I found was very disturbing. As I read through the list of symptoms of self-sabotage, I began to check them off, one by one. I fear I could well be declared the poster-child for self-sabotaging behavior. It's important to note that this list is not complete, in and of itself. There are even more symptoms that this abbreviated list made no mention of. Upon doing further research on the subject, I found that the list of symptoms of self-sabotaging behavior (or self-defeating behavior, whichever term is more palatable to you) is quite extensive indeed. We probably all engage in it to some degree. As in most things related to or stemming from dysfunction, it's the degree that matters. Now back to that nasty word procrastination. For some reason, just the knowledge that it is a symptom of self-sabotage made all the difference to me. I could live with it well enough when I could tell myself it was just one of my endearing little quirks. But to be armed with the knowledge that procrastination is a symptom of self-sabotage is quite a different thing altogether. That meant that I had to take action to correct it. My first step in that direction was Thursday of last week, when I gathered my list of long-delayed projects, picked out the most urgent ones (if indeed any could be described as urgent after having sat undone for who-knows-how-long, but bear with me here, I'm making a point) and set out to accomplish them post-haste. By the end of that day, I had the pleasure of marking those things off of my list of to-doitems and I felt a great sense of accomplishment. Now the key is to continue on that same path and to greet each day with the same fervor so as not to fall back into the oh-so-comfy arms of procrastination. I am faced with the necessary chore of creating a new and improved habit--one that is completely exclusive of procrastination. The good news is that I have now recognized this behavior and acknowledged that it must be changed. The bad news is that procrastination is only the first on a list of many, many symptoms that I will need to attack with the same enthusiasm. My hope is that in tackling each one, the next in line will become easier to address or - dare I hope - maybe even become a non-issue as I address some of the more heinous symptoms. It seems that after having nothing much to say yesterday, I had an extra amount of words to use up in today's blog. I apologize for the lengthiness of this one. |
| All this talk about a Blue Month - a term I never even heard until a few days ago - and suddenly I'm panicked because I haven't posted today and if I don't get with it, there goes my shot at having a Blue Month. I have such a competitive nature that all that talk about a Blue Month was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. I charged right after it, no thinking required. I considered just posting some nonsensical one-liner just to have something in there for today. But I just couldn't do it. So I've been tossing around several possibilities for a blog subject and have come up empty-headed. Figures. It's rare that I have nothing to say. I almost always have some subject about which I can wax eloquent. I don't know what happened today - there's just nothing there. Must be the pressure! Oh wait - here's a little something. It's another grandkid moment. One that I forgot to add in to my post yesterday. My two daughters and two of my grandchildren had were out shopping one day - just kind of killing time. My eldest grandchild, Aiden, wasn't with us because he was at school. We decided to grab a late lunch and before we finished, it was time for Aiden to be picked up from school. Aiden's mom left to go pick him up and bring him back to the restaurant while the rest of us waited there for them. We were at Casa Ole' (do you all have those or is it just in Texas?) and by the time Breeann and Aiden got back, we were well into gorging ourselves on a wide variety of Mexican food, chips, hot sauce--way more food than any of us needed. We made room for Aiden at the table. He settled in, looked around the table at all of us and said "I'm sorry I'm late." Well maybe you had to be there, but it was just so cute! And speaking of cute, check this out: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My adorable Aiden ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Princess Olivia ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Baby Ray I just had to...... |
| BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.........drum roll please......... Everybody listening?............. Daughter #2 and her hubby are expecting again! Their first child is a mere three months old, so they are still in shock mode, but they're adjusting. So that means that Grandchild #4 is on the way! Woo Hoo!! In honor of that announcement, I thought I would regale you all with a couple of cute grandchildren stories. My grandson, Aiden, is 5 years old. In addition to being an absolutely beautiful child (shhhh! he would correct me if he heard that - "Mimi, boys are handsome, not beautiful"), he is extremely bright. Recently, as I was leaving his house, he walked with me out to my truck, asking if I knew what he wanted to be when he grows up. "No," I said, "what do you want to be? I was expecting the typical boy answer of a fireman, a policeman, a super-hero, something along those lines. "I want to be an entomologist," he said, pronouncing entomologist very precisely and precisely right. That one stopped me in my tracks. I dropped down on one knee to eye-level with him and asked him if he knew what an entomologist does. He looked at me like I had just asked the dumbest question and told me, "It's a person who studies bugs, Mimi." Oh. Well, now I knew because I sure didn't know before he told me. (Seriously, I had to look up how to spell it! Probably could have just asked Aiden!) Meanwhile, his three-year-old sister, Olivia, was running circles around us in the front yard wearing her fairy costume with wings attached, screaming at the top of her lungs, "When I grow up, I want to be a pink Power Ranger!" Last Sunday after church, Hubby and I went to lunch with Aiden and Olivia and their parents. We were all discussing a house that my two sons and Hubby have been remodeling to "flip." When the house gets to a certain livable condition, my two sons will move in and live there while finishing the work. Apparently, Aiden had been present when my sons were discussing this possibility earlier in the week. He asked if we were talking about the house that Caleb and Eli were going to move in to. His daddy told him that was right, it was that house. "But, who's the other one who is moving in with them? There's three of them," Aiden wanted to know. We were stumped. His daddy suggested to him maybe he meant Maverick (Eli's Chocolate Lab.) "No," he insisted, "it's another human." We still don't know who he was talking about, but what a kid! Another human! I love talking to Aiden. Olivia has her moments too. She and Aiden were in the den one day recently, playing with their toys while Hubby was trying to get some work done (he works at home, remember?) Aiden was running up and down the stairs, Hubby had already spoken to him about it twice, so on the third time, he spoke more sternly and threatened him with serious bodily harm if he didn't stop it. Olivia sidled up to her granddad, and slipping her arm through his, she laid her precious little head on his shoulder. Looking up at him with her big brown eyes, she told him, "Granddad, I love you." "I love you too, Baby Doll," he said. "Granddad, you're so handsome," Olivia cooed with her head still resting on his shoulder. "Well, thank you, Baby Doll. I think you're very beautiful." By this time, Hubby should have known something was up. But he was clueless. "Granddad?" Lots of batting of the eyes at this point. "Yes, Baby Doll, what is it?" says clueless Hubby. "Don't ever talk to Brother like that again." Serious as cancer now, but still with that sweet little munchkin voice. Hubby thinks he must have misunderstood her, so he asks her to repeat what she just said. She repeats it, doesn't miss a beat. Still thinking he can't be hearing what he is hearing, he has her repeat it a third time. And again she repeats it, with the same sweet conviction as the first two times. Hubby came wandering into the kitchen shaking his head, still trying not to laugh out loud as he related to me the orders Olivia had just given him. The girl is a force to be reckoned with, I tell you. |
| Tonight I decided to grill some steaks. I even went to the trouble of marinating them in garlic and red wine. They smelled delicious even before they were cooked. Now let me remind you that Hubby is out of town and he is the "Official GrillMaster" in our household. Yes, I do have two sons and a son-in-law living here, but sons #1 and #2 were not at home and son-in-law has had some icky stomach flu all day. So I was left on my own with the monster grill in the backyard. My first obstacle was that there was no propane tank hooked to the grill when I went outside to light it. I managed to drag son-in-law from the porcelain throne long enough to attach the propane tank to the grill and to light the grill for me. Then he scurried back inside looking sort of green. I'm pretty sure I heard him gagging on the way back in, but apparently he made it to the bathroom in time, because the floor was clean when I followed him in a few minutes later. I let the grill heat up for a while because I thought I remembered that was something you should do when grilling. I got the marinated steaks ready and took them out to the aforementioned monster grill, opened the lid and carefully placed them on the rack over the flames. Hmmm....this wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I should probably do this more often, I thought to myself. I was feeling very accomplished as I closed the lid and went back inside to catch a few minutes of Big Brother while the steaks cooked. After just a couple of Big Brother minutes, I confidently sauntered through the kitchen and out the back door to check on the steaks. HOLY COW! ARE THOSE FLAMES SUPPOSED TO BE LICKING THROUGH THAT LITTLE HOLE ON THE SIDE OF THE LID? I quickly closed the back door behind me so as not to alarm anyone in the house. I tried to act nonchalant as I lifted the lid on the grill, thinking to myself, oh it's nothing, I'm sure. HOLY CRAP! THE STEAKS ARE ON FIRE! I was pretty sure that was not the way this was supposed to go. At least it never has been like that when I've watched Hubby cook steaks on the grill. I grabbed the fork, stabbed the nearest steak and flipped it over - to the burning side - which was still burning. I took quick action and patted out the flames with my fork, but decided to forego that action on the other five flaming steaks because it took a lot of time and wasn't really effective anyway. When I got to the last steak which was in the far corner in the back, I kept making a dive through the flames with the fork, but missed it completely several times because I couldn't risk setting my solar nails on fire. I just had them done yesterday on ME Day, remember? And they look good! Besides, have you ever smelled a burned solar nail? B L E C C C H H H ! ! ! I finally got all of the steaks turned over and managed to pat out the flames on each steak with my fork - that is no small accomplishment, let me tell you. Then it dawned on me that I should turn the burners off, or at least turn them way, way down. So I just turned them off and the flames finally died down. I figured the steaks didn't need to cook much longer, if any, so I went back inside - very nonchalantly again - and got a platter. I came back out to the smoldering monster grill, gathered up all the freshly char-grilled steaks and took them inside. I have to give my son-in-law credit for this one. He didn't laugh at all when I walked in with those steaks that were charcoaled on one side and just kissed by flame on the other. He even ate his whole steak, never even giggled once. Remember, he had been sick all day, so he gets double points for eating that steak. I have many other talents, so I have decided to give up grilling. Who wants to grill steaks anyway? |
| Yay! It's a ME Day! Have I mentioned before that a lot of people live in my house? And that I rarely have time alone? Well, let me take this opportunity to whine just a little bit and then I can tell you about my ME Day. Daughter #2 and her hubby and grandson #3 are living with us at the moment while they get their new business up and running. I've already informed them that when they move out, they have to leave the baby here. Just kidding though, because this 50 year old Mimi (in case you're not in-the-know - "Mimi" is the kinder, gentler term for grandma these days) is way too fond of a full night's sleep to make that kind of commitment. Oh, and I almost forgot, their dog lives with us too. He's a Shitzu-Poo - very smart, very cuddly, not much fuss or muss. Son #1 moved back in about the same time as daughter #2 and her family. He was having a little trouble with ..... well just about everything, so Momma Bear brought her baby cub back to the cave for a little TLC. Looks like Baby Bear has developed an affinity for Momma Bear's TLC and it may take actual dynamite to blast Son #1 (and his Chocolate Lab) out of the cave. Did I mention that Son #1, alias Baby Bear, is slightly on the messy side? His room in Momma Bear's Cave is very scary. On the up side, Son #1 and his Chocolate Lab do provide a lot of comic relief - stories - do I have stories! Son #2, the baby of the family at 21, still lives at home while attending college and working full-time. Son #2 will be transferring to another college far, far away in the fall and, while Papa Bear thinks this is a good thing, Momma Bear is not thrilled. This is, after all, her baby we are talking about. Poppa Bear is a salesman who works 4 out of 5 days a week from home. Since his customer base is primarily overseas, Hubby doesn't make a lot of sales calls, consequently spending a lot of time in his home office. This often leaves Momma Bear very frustrated. Shhhhhh! Don't tell Poppa Bear - it would hurt his feelings. Momma Bear likes very much to have time to herself, but, as one can imagine, it is a rare treat. However, there are those happy occasion when the planets align just right and EVERYONE is out of the house for the day, leaving Momma Bear to her own devices for the entire day. Glory Hallelujah! Today is one of those days, thereby making it a ME Day for Momma Bear. Woo Hoo! So far today, I have laid in my bed and caught up on all episodes of HBO's In Treatment, (starring that delicious Gabriel Byrne), caught up on my email, and ignored a couple of phone calls - because, yes, you guessed it - I Vant to Be Alone! Next on the agenda is a long, steamy shower and then an afternoon of pampering - nails and pedicure and haircut. Hell, I may even really splurge and get a massage. I'M OUTTA CONTROL!!! Oh, and as for cooking dinner - no way - Hubby is gone for the week to a Sales Conference, so I have hung up my apron. So, what are your plans for the day? |
| It's overcast and dreary here today - supposed to get colder throughout the day, which will be nice, since it was 73 degrees at 8 AM when I took Hubby to the airport. He's flying out to sunny Florida for a sales conference this week. I'm sure he'll have better weather there than we'll have here, but I will be happy for some cooler weather since we rarely have any of it here. It's actually supposed to drop below 40 by tonight - a rare treat for us Houstonians! Why all the talk of the weather, you might wonder. Well, it's the kind of weather that makes me want to stay inside and huddle up somewhere with my laptop and just write. Which is exactly what I intended to do today anyway - no matter what the weather was like, but since the weather is cooperating, it just makes it even better. I have so many thoughts clogging up my brain after not blogging much for over a week, that I don't even know where to begin. While I was in West Texas, I so often had the urge to sit at my computer and write - as has become my habit - but that would have been at the expense of spending time with friends and family and I wouldn't have missed that for the world. However, having had the luxury of sitting down for long talks with friends and catching up with family, I think I understand a little better why this little online community has become so very important to me. In trying to explain to a couple of my friends how addicted I had become to WDC, I kept hearing myself say the same things over and over. "What makes it so special is the interaction." and "When I post a entry, I get immediate feedback and it's not some canned response, it's real and heartfelt." and "There's a connection there with my group of friends that's just hard to explain, but it's real and it's very important to me already, even after such a short time." Once I came back home and was reflecting back on my visits with friends and family in Odessa, I was able to see more clearly what had been eluding me and I got some wonderful comments that confirmed what was feeling. It's in being willing to reveal ourselves and give of ourselves that we begin to form heartfelt connections with others. When I came to this online community, I was just rediscovering that ability in myself. And I found a warm, open group of people who are willing to do the same. Instantly, connections were made, friendships began to bud. The more I revealed of myself, the more people responded. The more I gave, the more I received. In analyzing the reason why my group of friends in West Texas are all still so close, I made the statement a few posts back that I didn't know why those bonds were so enduring and surmised that it must have been a gift from God to all of us. Now I realize I was half right. It was indeed a gift from God, but the gift is always available to us as long as we are willing to be vulnerable and give of ourselves. And that is the reason I have found that same feeling of "community" here at WDC. I have also found it with the women's therapy group I attend every Friday. I wrote about these courageous ladies in an earlier blog, but I didn't understand at the time the reasons why those ladies have become so dear to my heart. Now I realize it's the same reason I feel so connected to my WDC friends and my friends in Odessa. It's coming from the same place - a willingness to be open and vulnerable and real with each other. It's the same gift in three different packages - WDC, Odessa and Women's Group. As I said in an earlier blog, I've been gone from West Texas for 20+ years. I also said that I had never found that same closeness in any place I've been since that time. And now, within the span of just a few months time, I've found it with two different groups of people. Which begs the question, "Why was that missing from my life for such a long time?" To which I can only answer that it had to be me. The common denominator is me. For myriad reasons, over the past 20 years, I chose not to give of myself or reveal myself to the degree necessary to form close bonds. That's not to say that I didn't do that at all. I have a couple of very close friends here in Houston who I have allowed into that inner circle. But for the most part, I guess I have been closed off. Upon reflection, it seems that I have not only been hiding from others, but I have been hiding from myself. I've come to realize how very much I need those close bonds, that interaction, the give and take, the vulnerability that is required to make a connection. At one of my group meetings several weeks ago, I asked for everyone's email address so that I could send them a link to my blog. In my individual session a few days later, my therapist expressed surprise that I had done that, that I had been willing to "let them in", so to speak. She asked what had changed in me that I was willing to do that. I remember telling her that I was through hiding. I was ready for people to see me for who I am and I no longer feel the need to protect myself from that. Having said all that, I'm excited to see what the future may bring. It's as if I have been in a dark closet for a very long time, thinking that I was protecting myself from ... who knows what? In reality, I know what I was protecting myself from - hurt, rejection, disappointment. But that's another story, for another time. For now, I'm just happy to be out in the sunlight again, enjoying the richness of new friendships and a future that looks brighter than it has in a very long time. And I'm overjoyed to have so many wonderful friends along for the journey. Kay Jordan ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| WOW! What a warm welcome home - I was delighted to receive welcome home wishes from so many of you! This is indeed a special group of caring people. You have no idea how much all of you have done to restore my faith in humanity. I know that may sound a bit over the top, but humor me, please, and trust me when I say that it's not an exaggeration. I spent a lot of time while I was in Odessa singing the praises of WDC and my new friends here. I have to admit I was a little worried that I might be forgotten or left behind while I was gone. Call me a cynic, but unfortunately it's born of experience. But you have proved me wrong and it means a lot to me to know that there truly are still people in the world who care about others, who take the time to be a friend. Thank you. |
| I'm on my way back home to sea level tomorrow. This West Texas climate has dried out my nails, my skin, my hair--heck, everything that could be dried out! The wind here is something I DO NOT miss - thank goodness I got here and will be leaving before the March winds blew in like a lion. February winds were bad enough. Honestly, this wind will blow the hair right off your head. I need a good dose of humidity--no, not humility, though I'm sure I could probably use that too, but I really did mean to say humidity. The gills I developed after 20+ years of living on the coast are closing up out here. I need to get back home where the air is thick with moisture. I've probably breathed enough fresh air here in the Permian Basin. My lungs must be wondering what's up, where are all the chemicals I usually suck in on a daily basis. All this fresh air has probably thrown my entire system into shock. And I've been able to look up in the night sky and see actual stars! What a wonder the sky is at night when the stars can twinkle and not be drowned out by the bright city lights of Houston. I took a trip down memory lane and drove by some of the houses I lived in when I was in junior high and high school, ate at my favorite fast food place (that we don't have in Houston) as many times as I could without making myself sick, visited as many friends and family as possible in seven days. It felt good to be here but I'm ready to go back home. I miss my family, I miss my routine. I miss blogging and all of my new WDC friends. It will good to be back home. Change is good, but home is better! |
| Here I am, back in West Texas - for a week anyway. I flew out here last night to be with one of my dear, dear friends whose husband passed away. The funeral was today - his name was Willie and I wonder what he would have thought about all the commotion and fuss today. He was a very quiet man, not one to make a scene or have a scene made over him. The funeral home chapel was full - so many people there to pay their last respects and to support his family. I saw so many people from my past who were and still are dear to me. We were a very tight-knit, close group back then. We supported each other, helped each other through the rough patches, cleaned up messes, laughed and cried together, glued each other back together - just like we did one more time today for my friend Donna. I've been gone from here for over twenty years, but every time I come back here, it's like I never left. I can always pick up where I left off with this special group of people. I've never found that again in any other place I've lived. I can't say what made this place and this group of people so special to each other, what was so unique about it that we all bonded so tightly? The best answer I can come up with is that it was a special blessing from God for all of us. Everyone needs to have someone (or several someones) who they can always find their way back to. People you never have to pretend with, the ones who really know you and still love you the best. It feels like a warm blanket on a cold day to be here in this place with these people. I hope they know how special they all are to me. |
| I think I was suffering from delirium yesterday when I posted. I feel almost like I betrayed my lover or talked behind my best friend's back. I feel like a traitor - Oh my gosh - my beloved computer(s), can you ever forgive me for my inane ramblings yesterday? I must have been dehydrated, malnourished, hormonal, suffering from temporary insanity or something equally serious. Or maybe I just needed to re-boot. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I'm so far right the Tea Party looks like a bunch of hippies!
