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THE MANIFESTO REMIX You've been pwn'd by ☡.☠ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
THE MANIFESTO REMIX IS TYPED IN FRONT OF A DEAD STUDIO AUDIENCE I was watching TV today and noticed an ad for a new show called "Underfunded". The premise: A Canadian secret service officer tries to solve crimes from an...well, underfunded office. Not only a joke about bureaucracy, but another of America's zingers at our little sister (little as in younger, she's a chunky little sister...well, the US is sort of a big girl too I guess, not as large as Russia....shapely comes to mind when I think of Spain or France). Anyhow, I thought it looked funny, I never knew there was (and there may not actually be) a Canadian secret service. Canada recalls leaders, not assassinates them. Long/short: I worry about Ami-Canuck relations. The newest Canadian PM and the others who ran against him, did their best to further themselves from Bush and US foreign policy. Hockey teams are going under in the US, and perhaps the most telling sign of a draught in our relations, we recalled the Expos to DC (it was a crappy team! Just leave it where it was I say!). Canadian beer is harder to get here, the South Park song "Blame Canada" was nominated for an Oscar.... They won't take Trebek no matter how many times we offer to send him back. There was a TV show back in the day called "Due North", no, that wasn't it...but anyhoo, the idea was a Mountie and a Chicago cop team up to defeat crime. Where is that show! We need a show that will support our relations with the northern neighbors. Listen, you know it, I know it (Ashley and Ean are bored out of their minds right now waiting for an anti-climatic punchline that will less humor as it will anger), but when South America gets wise to the shit we've been pulling in The Great Fifty we'll be looking to the Humble 10&3 (10 provinces, 3 territories) for a little help. And I DO NOT want to be that Yank that knocks on a Canucks door and gets this: "Sorry, bro (Mocking laughter) but we're aboot out of ammo to gun down the Bolivian army that's following ya'.....eh." So, here it is, MY APOLOGY TO CANADA: Dear Canada, I am sorry that we get full of ourselves down here sometimes and poke fun at your moose knuckles (girlish giggles), Mounties, and Quebec. I really do want you to know that your contributions to things like WWII where you took Gold and Juno beaches, really mean a lot to me. Yukon Gold is tight too! I know that you've had a hard time making hot chicks in the past, and you talk funny, and you're basically all French, but that's nothing that bothers me, in fact, I'm gonna visit you. Check out your industry, your bars, and chicks. See for myself what's really going on up yonder. I guess what I really want you to know is this: If it wasn't for you, the rest of the world would think that all Anglo people from the Americas were crazy...you give me an alias as I travel the world, and I thank you for that.........Moose knuckle! This has been the first of a 17 part series entitled: "Zack Apologizes to Another Country Because he Thinks American TV Has Offended Them". Tomorrow: "England and an apology for ruining Coupling" |
| Not only are we numero uno in baseball, but dig on this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061030/ap_on_re_us/city_crime_list We rule!!! Okay, so I've been writing a lot about sports lately and for obvious reasons. But I don't want you all to think that when it comes to sports I'm a one trick pony. I actually love soccer too, and in particular, the Japanese variety. That's right ol'Zack is a fan of the J-League and let me tell you, two of my favorite teams just met and it was a wild one. Let's recap: Gamba Osaks played Kawasaki Frontale the other day. It started off slow, but then without warning Gamba opened up a GoAl BuKkAkE. The strikers slathered Frontale's goalie Yasuhito Endo with shots, peppering his face and mid-section. It was a shot bath, that's for sure! The back of the net was first found by Nakata, who buried a shot from the top of box all the way, deep, into the back of the net. Nakamura scored next, playfully dribbling the ball at the defender as if to say "No means yes" and then blasted away. After that the rest of the Gamba gang banged away at Frontale, and in the end, nothing was left but sticky, sweaty defenders laying in heaps on the pitch. Gamba walked away 6-2 victors. What a goal bukkake! Sayonara Frontale san! Ahh, yes. That should cover my sports entries for a while, and now it will be back to the same old, same old. I hope everybody got to celebrate the Cardinals victory this weekend. Tony LaRussa is the second manager to take a team in both leagues (American and National) all the way through the series. The greatest player in baseball, "Phat" Albert Pujols got himself a ring, and all is well. Gabby, I believe that should be a sports MB (There is one right) and it should say: "12 inches ladies! Trust me, I measured!" or something along those lines. Alright, I'm done here, talk to you soon and your sisters sooner! |
The Editors of THE MANIFESTO REMIX regret to inform you that due to severe intoxication and a peyotal accident, Z.˚rz   will be unable to fulfill his duties here at the Remix Office. All we have to share with you is a note burned into a plank of cherry...no, I believe that's oak.After the game I walked right into Busch Stadium, baseball heaven, and stood on the third base line near Peter Gammons and the ESPN crew. Fucking-A right! Finally! Done and done and replayed over and over. The city was a symphony of car horns, hoots and hollars. People dancing on their cars, dancing on others cars, dancing on other people dancing on others cars. Tommy Lasorda drove by me in a golf cart....what are the odds? Shannon's was crowded, no chance getting in. Meggers was trashed, and I had to piss and kept telling Josh to hold his badge up while I wizzed in a bush...no go. I walked right into Busch Stadium, riot cops in the outfield. Completely unecessary, the city was too smart to ruin everything by tipping cars and shit. The city is paused until Sunday, when the celebratory parade happens. I can't go....gotta go scatter my grandma's ashes. Well, I don't my mom or Uncle will, but I gotta go cause it's a family thing. I wanna go, but I can't go. Jim was lost to me. Kept calling and stuff, but I couldn't find him. No need! I was right where I needed to be! Right there at the field. Freaking amazing!!!!!! I hope, in the future that Portsmouth wins the Premiere, that the Leafs win the Stanley Cup, and the Manilla....local sports team wins the big tournament so that everybody can have a few days like this. OH! And I hope the Bosna team wins something too, cause Gabby certainly lost a bet tonight....where's that MB? Cell phones didn't work foreverr in the city. Everyone calling everyone else at once. Fireworks going off everywhere, even in the county. The city fire dept. did a lap around the stadium with their sirens blazing, shaking and slapping fans hands as they passed. The mounted police let fans pet the horses, and the cops walking the beat shook, hugged and yelled with the rabble rousers. Tomorrow we'll all sleep it off and look at it sober. It'll still be a beautiful trophy, a beautiful night and a beautiful Red October. What a freaking night! THE MANIFESTO REMIX will return to its regurlalry schedulted blogimazation after this short ponderitory repose...... |
| Here it is faithful reader...... THE CARDINALS have a 3-1 lead of the Tigers!!! (and please don't speak of 1968, I've heard enough of that!) The city is primed, the people in red, and the brewery is working overtime. There's this hum in the air, the hum of a million people begging the diamond to give us our due. I DEDICATE THIS TO SO TAGUCHI So "So Def" Taguchi, 99, outfielder. This is his night to shine. I'm calling it, So will win the World Series for THE CARDINALS. Call him So, call him The Guch, but tomorrow we'll all be calling him Hero. That's a Z-Child prediction, and I am rarely off my mark. (Ok, I was way off when I said Evander Hollyfield would be the first Dancing with the Stars champion, but in the hearts and minds of many he was) spun2sugar has come home for this, welkerdeb should streak through this blog for this, PastVoices is leading the SoIll. charge for this, and Gaby ~ Finding my way back  is dreading the MB she's gonna have to send me owing to a bet we made. St. Louis has been waiting too long. When the RAMS won the Super Bowl in 2000 (1999 season) I and some friends went downtown to watch the parade. There was little room to move and it was so cold, we ended up huddling together on the top of a parking garage to watch. My brother was there, took a sick day at school to come up and watch. It was amazing. An entire city braving the elements to catch a glimpse of their heroes come home. Ahhh, what a time, now we hope and pray we get to do it again. Rain, sleet and chill couldn't keep us away. 1968 was a long time ago. History has no bearing here; Different time, different situation. I remember the last time I relied on history to pull my team through. 2004 Redskins, I forget the deal but it had something to do with if they won/lost the incumbent president would lose the election. Well....that numbskull was re-elected even with that history over his head. So much for history. |
| Ahhh, Short-Round, where have yea gone? No time today, just putting in a short note here. THE CARDINALS are up 2-1 on the Tigers with Suppan throwing against a very hittable right handed pitcher. 3-1 anybody? Oh hell, the cards could very well win this right here, in St. Louis! I say take it back to Detroit, win it there, and then celebrate right there on their field. That's a huge demoralizer, like pissing on POWs. Okay, I feel like I owe you all something. I'm behind on bleading (thanks Drago) and feel as if there is something else I've been putting of, but what is it? Send your comments and suggestions regarding what I've been putting off to: "What's Zack Been Putting Off?" 10409 Vegimite Way St. Louis, MO 6313131 You could win a new Kia Sophia!!!! Now here's some rough print about the contest: IT'S BULL SHIT. Anyhoo, I wish I could spend more time here, with you guys, and your sisters, but I got up late and have been forced to adjust my schedule. So, later all! |
| ......space dementia!!!!!" - Just one of the many great lines in the film Armageddeon. The greatest piece of celluloid this side of Citizen Kane! I am currently suffering from delirium tremens, and need the hooch! Bored. Wait, let me check my status bar again...yup, bored. More bored bars with the Network than with any other daily activity provider. I need a hobby. I've been working on this damned screenplay that's going to go no where and do nothing. I don't trust my agent, I have an agent named Andrea I never talk to, but her boss Mary seems to be riding me hard. Then when Andrea does talk to me, it's always like four steps behind where me and Mary are. The way I figure it: Mary gave Andrea my script cause this is probably like her first time. So, if she messes it up, no one gets hurt. Except maybe me, but what's that matter in the long run? Tomorrow I got a lot of the same planned. The only saving grace I can find is the CARDINALS game tonight. If they win, it means Jesus does love me like the Bible told me so, if they lose....another four months of atheism. I'm the groundhog when it comes to religion. I figure if I see my shadow that means no deity is standing behind me and I can continue on a self-destructive course of self-loathing. I gotta find a job. No one wants to hire me and I have it narrowed down to two reasons: A) I am far too smart for their business and I would upset their heiarchy, or B) I am far too dumb for their business and I would upset their heiarchy. Either way a nice letter and fruit basket from them when they shun me and proverbially dick-punch me would be nice. Then again, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Stumbling around, begging for alms and victuals. Why just this morning I woke up and made a sign that reads "Pedantic douche will critique your student film for food". Earned me a can of corn with that one! Yum! Nothing a doin', nothing a knowin'. But I did get to watch Armageddeon today so what me worry? |
| ....I was twenty, and thought that so many years from now, a purple-purple little lady, would be perfect, for old and useless clown." - GoGol Bordello. And so begins my ciganski existence. That's gypsy by the bye. I am so hungry, so broke, and so tired. I'm still waiting on that job, maybe they don't want to hire me after all. Never thought about that. Hu, oh well. I forgot! That party Saturday was supposed to be a Halloween party right, but it wasn't, no one dressed up. I shaved my beard into a grimey stache for my costume, but then had to remove that. So now I'm baby faced, impatiently waiting for my beard to return. Ja biti ruzan. Nothing to really report. Kind of sad actually. You'd think something would happen. I mean, Kenny Rogers did cheat last night with pine-tar on his hand, but what did we expect? He's named after the Gambler. Tired Genies and bored ciganin, man. Bored as hell! I did maybe make headway on moving to New York if I were to take it seriously. Some chick I went to school with is thinking of buying a pad. $700.00 a month, sounds like a lot to me, which it would be in St. Louis, but in Manhattan I hear that's a steal. Don't know. Too many obnoxious Yankee fans and no toasted ravioli....how can they live like that! Besides St. Louis is harder than New York. Guliani cleaned that place up. Detroit and St. Louis, both in the World Series, both at the top of the nations FBI crime list or something. I think Newark is the numero uno this year, but for a while The Lou and 'Troit were trading the number one murder city in the country honor. That makes me tougher than any Guido or Gumba, I ain't been shot yet. LA is the other option, professional that is. To me LA seems tacky and pretentious. No desire what-so-ever. I enjoy winter weather and dislike fake boobs, so why move to LA? I hate the Lakers too, and especially Kobe "The Anal Intruder" Bryant. I gotta get something to eat. Posse stay in effect or lose ya' colors! (By the Bye our gang colors are perriwinkle blue, matches my eyes!) |
| People you would not believe what I've got going on here for all of you today. It's unbelievable! Ridiculous! Insane and, in part, immoral! IT'S A ONE MILLION GP CONTEST That's right! 1,000,000 GPs! Here are the rules and regs: Contestants simply have to write a short essay about why Detroit Tiger's pitcher Kenny Rogers is actually a catcher in the bed room. Submissions must be turned in by the seventh inning of game four. One submission per participant. See! How simple is that! You could be the first GP millionaire! Now here's the fine print that doesn't say anything real important but is legally required: The one million GP contest is void in the Dominican Republic, Guam, and Switzerland. No family members of any Remix emloyee may participate, nor any of Z.Hume's babies' moma's. The prize, one million GPs, willl be paid out after Zack Taxes (75%) have been withdrawn, and the entrants entry fee of (15%). A nice tip would be considered cordial and so would buying a round at the pub. You will recieve one hundred GPs and thanks for winning after your social security number and bank account number have been validated. Thanks and Good Luck! Okay, so last night we had a party and I got wasted....again. I've got to break the habit of drinking for every Cardinals game or this next week will be a waste too! Cards are losing 2-0 right now, nothing we can't overcome. Just weather Rogers until his douche-baggedry ends then tap up their middle reliever. That's how we always beat Clemens. I got a long comment yesterday talking about Bobby Cox. Bobby who? That old cracker bitch that coaches for the Braves? That dude who puts his last name in his mouth? That guy who isn't playing in the world series this year, nor has this century? That dude who will probably die before he makes it back to the post? Yeah, I kinda forgot about him, sorry, I'm sure he's a lovely person, I just have more important things to do right now. Don't call me, I'll call you. Anyhoo, not much to discuss or talk about. GO CARDS as always and thank God the RAMS had a bye week. Our schedule gets tough now,, and this is where we start to fade in the standings. |
| Detroit schmee-troit. GO CARDS Okay, so the other night during the CARDINALS 17th pennant clenching game, I saw a little blond haired mets fan hoping and praying for his team to win. I turned to Jim and said, "I just really want to win right now so I can see that kid cry." That was probably about in the sixth. As the game progressed I noticed so many mets fans praying to their God, Gods, or other deity. I paused and I wondered, perhaps I needed to pray, perhaps the wise man was true in saying: "There are no atheists in fox holes". Would God answer my prayer? I started to look up toward where I'm told an old white man with a beard lives and as I formed a prayer thought: "No, that's vanity, praying to God and asking for your team to win." So I offered God a deal: "God, I will gladly accept a Cardinals defeat, if I know that you have saved 15,000 poor on this night." Well, Molina hit a jack and during the post game I saw that little blonde turd crying on his daddy's shoulders. HA! God saw right through that and answered my real prayer! I tricked you, fool! Anyhoo, tonight we are having a Halloween party. The extreme favorite costume "Zombie Pimp" will be adorned and ------ Wait, this just in to the Remix News Desk. There has been a costume coup, that's right, a costume coup. Apparently "Zombie Pimp" has been removed for a thought crime violation, and "Early 20th Century British Golf Pro" has established himself this Halloweens caudillo (look it up kids). In all my years of Halloweens I've never seen anything the likes of a costume coup! What a horrible day. But I've already forgotten that. I plan on drinking during the CARDINALS first upset win over the De-Crap TIGERS. Problematic Content has told me that he hates both Jim Leyland and the winningest active manager in the bigs Tony LaRussa. Well, I have nothing but respect for both, and I honestly belive that Leyland deserves manager of the year in the AL, but a World Series ring?........Maybe next year Jimmy!GO CARDINALS [EDIT] By the bye, 5,000 views, thanks you guys. Now, I will charge you each one US dollar for each view.....send it to my office. Thanks! |
| We regret to inform the faithful reader of the "Manifesto Remix" that Z.Hume will be unable to complete his duty here due to excessive intoxication and enlightenment. All we have to share is the words he scrawled on a bar-top napkin that read as follows: "It's amazing in a city painted victory red what a fellow can find. Friendship and untiy, for starters. A "Fuck Detroit" chant begins at the back works its way to the front and the whole bar lifts it and carries it across the city, it echoes off the arch and floats down the Mississippi river. "It's amazing how a guy with barely enough for a pack of smokes in his pocket can get by. The "red-headed slut" bought by Brandon, after the nintieth replay, fuels a "Red October", and the beers bought by J&J fuel a guy on his last leg, looking straight into a self-made end. Knowing that his decisions tonight have hurt a crush and a friend, knowing that his decisions this night have dragged him into a state of cannibalism. "He's an apologetic man though, and as the replays of a victory so prayed for appear on the TV for the nine-hundredth time, he sees in the eyes of a another man across the bar, a life bent to this moment. Years and years of hope and prayers, nearly answered two years ago, manifest in a homerun and a second chance. High school was shite, college was not the answer to a secured future as he had been promised, but the living Gods that he knew by name and batting average had delivered. "The protagonist is dirty, he is tainted, and sorry for having ever existed. This night though, for one single, solitary night, he feels like a champion. He struggles to understand why others can't put their lives on hold for this. He can't understand why others don't thank whatever God they pray to for this, and revel in the aftermath. He gives up, and walks away from it all. Thanking the doorman on his way out." THE MANIFESTO REMIX WILL RETURN AFTER THIS SHORT INEBRIATION BREAK |
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