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 |  Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two... |
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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to -Breathe(2AM), Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** For Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day. -Homer Simpson Homer, Please Don't Hammer 'Em ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream... -William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream |
| I had another entry this evening and it's currently private. I don't know if I'll make it available or not. I had been thinking about writing the topic all day, but when I sat down to write it, nothing was coming out the way I had been thinking about it. It just sounded stupid. I'm not sure if I'll go back and work on it or if I'll just delete it. I have been working on Chasing though and I just revised the prologue, but I haven't posted it yet. I want to have a chance to go over it again before I do. It's kinda depressing, because I believed the prologue to be ready to send out for submissions. When I started back on Chasing, I thought a lot of it sucked and couldn't believe I thought it was ready. It disturbs me because, after a few weeks of not working on it, I see all these things that need changing. I'm still on the prologue! What would happen if I decide to leave it alone for a year? Will I think this new revision is as great as I do today? I know an author's writing can improve even if they do have published items already. On the other hand I want to do right by my story. I want it to shine as much as it can, but if I'm a better writer five years from now, should I wait longer? Then again, given how submissions work, I may very well be waiting five years anyway. Or longer. Some publishers and agents don't want the novel sent to others while they're deciding. I can see how long it may actually take for a novel to catch someone's eye if you're only sending it to one place at a time. *sigh* And after spending so much time on Apple, I think I'm beginning to see why people may like it better... even without the sex... As my writing is improving, Apple was getting the benefits from it. But a lot of Chasing was already written and I think it can be hard for me to see what needs changing despite the reviews and all I'm learning. That probably makes little sense. I think if one looks at my later chapters of Chasing it will have a different feel than the beginning. I think I'm having problems making the beginning match the end. Maybe that's not really a problem. Then again, maybe I've spent enough time away from it to give it the revision it needs. Guess I'll find out... |
Everything went fine and Benn is officially adopted! Yay!   Hopefully, in the next week or two he get his license. I arrived late at work due to driving up there and back. But when I got there, the getting up at 6:30am started to get me so I asked my boss if I could come home early. She let me. So now, I'm laying snugly on the couch with my laptop. I probably could have stayed at work, but my brain cells were not firing correctly and I was fumbling with items in my hands. Not to mention one of our student assistants as an ear infection and the doctor told him he was contagious. My current state of fatigue may have made me more susceptible to it. What I found sad today was that when I finally logged into WDC this evening, I only had two e-mails. One was from the site telling me I got gps for a review I did yesterday and another was a mass e-mailing from one of the groups I belong to... I guess I was expecting more since I was gone for so long.  Oh, well. I probably won't work on any writing tonight. I think it's best if I just lay down and do nothing... Oh, and hopefully this something everyone can enjoy: http://punditkitchen.com/2008/09/29/political-pictures-barack-obama-debate-me-ta... |
| Well, I did finish Apple again last night, but the last chapter needs work. Since so much changed at the end, it needs a better epilogue. But I think I'm going to let it simmer in my head for awhile. My mind is already jumping ahead to the first and possibly second chapter of the next book, but I'm gong to try to get back to Chasing. I have a vague outline for the second one anyway.I even changed the name again last night. This time I called it Reaping Golden Apples. I really didn't want an -ing ending verb. But using the inventive, sounds pretentious. To Capture, To Reap... I don't know. I'll probably try to revise chapters before my reviewer from fantasy gets to them. I should have the time for that as long as he keeps to one chapter a week. If not, oh well. Now I have to go back into my e-mail and get all my Chasing reviews organized so I can start revising again. I have a folder for each novel in my e-mail, but I don't always send the review to the proper folder right away. I don't know why. It would be a hell of a lot simpler to do it that way then let it all collect in my Inbox. Tomorrow is the hearing for Benn's adoption. I feel kinda bad for not thinking about it as much as I think I should be... Did that make sense? Really, worrying about isn't going to effect the outcome anyway. It is going to suck having to get up at about 6 or 7 in the morning. After working second shift for two and half years, I'm not sure if I could ever go back to a 8-5 shift. Even if I got enough sleep the night before, getting up before 7 just hurts. I am eager for the hearing though. I really want this to be over. If the adoption is accepted, it will just be a matter of a few weeks before Benn can get his license back. At least I hope. He's just starting to get out of this funk he's been ever since this mess started. It was either the same weekend or the weekend after he got pulled over, he took our PS2, Xbox 360 and all the games that went with them to Game Stop and got store credit for them so he could get a PS3 to help him feel better. I was kinda mad about the 360, but I wasn't playing it much anyway. But he just got Oblivion for the PS3 and that's what I mainly played on the 360. I'm rather sad though, because the PS3 version doesn't give you a castle to start with like the 360 did. I miss my castle... If the hearing doesn't turn out well, I'm afraid he'll slip back into his funk... *sigh* But the lawyer didn't mention that anything could go wrong... They would tell you that sort of thing, right? For what my in-laws dished out for his retainer, I would hope that was part of the deal... |
| When I gave plasma today, I also got a free T-shirt! Woot! Today is Homecoming at the university and the T-shirt is celebrating it. Then I came home to find Craig had sent me a bunch of links including this one: http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/dr-bunsen-honeydew-beaker-mythbuste... You probably have to watch Mythbusters to find that really amusing. That's all I have for now... |
| Some time ago, I mentioned that October had a few landmark dates for me and I would probably write about them as the dates approached. The more I think about about October 16, the more I'm eager to start and the more I realize that it may take up more than one entry. Truth be told, the actual events probably started about this time of year anyway. There's a reason that date sticks in my mind. I think there's something about me that has to write about my past on occasion. In one of my journals I already wrote what happened to me while I was in the hey days of my fencing club. October 16th involves me parting with my fencing days. So I won't bother going into the meat of the fencing drama as I've already written it and got most of it out of my system. Who knows, I may one day feel compelled to write it down again. I think today's entry I'm going to write about my first official boyfriend as that explains my motivations for what happened on October 16. I realize it maybe boring, but I'll try to make it entertaining and this is probably more for me anyway. Also realize that I'm not still emotional over this stuff so it's not a rant or bitchfest, I just feel compelled to write about it. The story does start with fencing. I think it was my second year of being in the fencing club which would have been my junior year in college. We had four new members at the fencing club that year from the same hometown: Steve, Lance, Greg and Layna. Greg, by the way, was Benn's best friend at the time so that's how I ended up meeting my husband. But that's jumping a little ahead. We were always eager for new members and Lance and Steve fit in wonderfully. They were freaking hilarious. Layna had been Lance's girlfriend in high school so there were still some issues there, but I liked Layna. She was beautiful and being on team of mostly guys, she had her share of attention. I think we could have been good friends if she hadn't quit college. Greg wasn't as dedicated to fencing as his two friends and he had other interests. But he was by far one of the best looking guys we ever had on the fencing team. I think I'm going to post a picture of him as he is the reason for October 16 and is Alexander Langston, but again I'm jumping the gun.The previous year of fencing, I had some drama with some guys in the club and not having any relationships in high school, this was my first taste of anything romantic. And I did not handle myself well and I was a stupid, stupid girl. But the arrival of the ones I mentioned helped to heal us to some extent and in part because Steve started to pay special attention to me. I was totally blindsided by that one. I think Lance may have had a crush on me, but he wasn't the aggressive type and once he found out that Steve did like me, I think he backed off. Steve was aggressive. Around that time, Evita came out in the theaters and I like the musical so I was looking forward to seeing it. Well, Steve just went out and bought me the CD. That's when I first knew something was up. At this point, we were just acquaintances and you don't buy acquaintances things like CD's. The boy pursued me and I wasn't sure what to think. Besides his sense of humor, nothing had really stood out about him, but he was nice enough so I let him 'woo' me. The attention was nice and he wasn't bad looking. Then I found out he still had a girlfriend in high school, but that was right before he broke up with her. If I had known before hand, I would have liked to think I would have put a stop to his advances. He went home for a weekend and broke up with her. When he came back, he announced he was mine and kissed me. I remember the red flags going off in my head. After all if he cheated on his ex, he may end up cheating on me. Not to long after that, maybe even the same night, he said he loved me. I was a little alarmed by that. While I was attracted to him, I knew I didn't love him. But the thrill of having a boyfriend, finally, overrode all other concerns. But I did end up falling for him over time. In fact, we did talk about marriage. I guess he had asked me to marry him and I said yes, but there was no ring and neither one us told our parents. So that should have been a big clue too that something wasn't right. I can't blame Steve for not telling his mother. He was a momma's boy and his mother was a strict, religious woman. His father wasn't much better. I know she didn't like me. I had always hoped that my future mother-in-law would love me. But this woman would have never loved me and I'm so glad she didn't end up being my MIL. I do have a funny story about his mother. When Easter came, Steve invited me to his home for the weekend. I had the guest room that was across from his. On Sunday morning, he comes over and knocks and tells me to come to his room just to lay beside him for awhile. I didn't want to too, because I knew his mom would freak and I didn't want to leave a bad impression. He said it would be fine and since it was his home I figured he should know best. So I went to lay with him for a few moments. That's all we did. I don't even think we were making out, which was something, because he was a little horn dog. But his mother did walk in and the look on her face was hilarious. At the time I didn't think so, but every time I think about it now, I snicker to myself... hehehe... Now if my MIL had walked in on me and Benn like that, she probably would have just rolled her eyes and walked out. And maybe mention something about not going to be the one to raise our children... I do love his parents. His siblings still make me uncomfortable though... Anyway, back to Mr. Steve... The summer of 1997 came and we both had to go back home to our parents. We visited each other from time to time, but Steve needed permission from his mother to leave. Dad didn't want me driving that far, so my best friend at the time would drive me. Having my best friend there caused issues as well, but the thing I remember about this whole situation is that Dad told me when he wanted to go see Mom, he just went. He scoffed and said he didn't need anyone's permission to see her. I was reminded of this when over one Christmas Break, Benn braved a snow storm to come and see me. I was worried about him driving in it, but to me it spoke volumes about how much he cared about me. About half way through summer, I knew something was wrong with Steve. I can't say for sure how I knew, but I had a feeling. Even looking back on it, I can't say that he acted differently. So this may be one of the few instances in my life where I can say I experienced something having to do with a sixth sense. I couldn't eat for days my stomach was so clenched up with worry. Finally, the little weasel admitted to seeing someone else over the summer. I kicked myself for not listening to myself months before. But did that stop me from being a weak, sniveling girl begging him for another chance? Nope. I had put so much into him and imagining a future with him, that I couldn't bare to think of life without him. When school started back up, it took him two weeks before he came back to me and said that he would date me too. Me, being pathetic was willing to share him with the girl he met over the summer. Looking back on it, I don't think he wanted to be with me, he just wanted someone to satisfy his desires. I was destroyed enough to let him use me. So this was the place I was is in September 1997. Maybe if you've read Apple you can start seeing where Cassandra came from. This is the time Greg came in and offered me a way out. Not that he put it like that, but that's how I saw it. That's another entry... The weird thing is, I'm wearing the shirt that Steve got me when he went to Washington D.C. with the band. His mom forced him to stay in the band in college and he claimed he didn't want to be a part of it.... I can't remember what he played. Lance played the French Horn. He was going to teach me how to play.... I want to say Steve played the trumpet or tuba. Maybe drums? Huh. Anyway it's a Hard Rock T-shirt and I've thought about getting rid of it many times, but it's still a perfectly good shirt. Which is saying something since it's eleven years old. Maybe twelve... Hope that's not too boring. I enjoyed remembering anyway.  |
| Apparently, I've gained two pounds in two days. *sigh* I think I'm going to start keeping a food journal. Sometimes, I just don't remember if I've had something full of fat and sugar earlier in the day so I think it's okay to have something later. They say it's also good for keeping track of your mood if that's what is triggering your overeating. The problem with me is, I don't think it's just one thing. That may be true for a lot of people. I think I heard on Oprah once that you have to get to the root cause of your overeating before you can solve it for good. But I can't figure that out. I do know this much: At the end of the day, I do end up cramming more into my mouth. I can do fine until I get home and settle in. Which is sad because I'm only up for about two or three hours after I get home before I go to bed. I also know, I will eat if I'm bored. I'll start roaming the house and end up in the kitchen, but I think I nipped that problem in the butt when I realized I was doing that way back in college. I also think I need to be doing something with my hands even when I'm watching TV. I need to pick up knitting or something. I used to color in coloring books. Maybe I should do that again. I also need to step up the exercising. Right now, I'm only doing 20 minutes on a treadmill twice a week. I've made attempts recently to do a kickboxing video workout on the weekends. The problem with that is if I don't do it in the morning, I may forget to work it in later. Or if I do remember, Craig is down in the living room and I don't like working out with people in the same room if they're not. Did that make sense? I'm not sure if I should go back to my short stories before working on Chasing again. I think what I'm going to do is hopefully finish Apple this weekend and put it on the back burner. Then revise Chasing and work on the short stories while I'm doing that. Plus the sequel to Chasing will work in there somewhere I'm sure. Like I said before, I think I need to be doing two writing projects at once. When I first joined WDC and started to get feedback, I would spend my weekends writing and I wouldn't eat very much because I was so caught up in writing. Maybe that will happen again... |
    It's nearly taken an year, but someone finally finished reading and reviewing Chasing the Goddess!  Someone else should be finishing it any day now. I was bombarded with reviews for it today. I was shocked to see eleven messages waiting for me today.  As soon as I finish with Apple, we'll get back to Chasing... So much work to do... |
| Apparently, today is National Punctuation Day: http://www.nationalpunctuationday.com/ I think everyday is National Punctuation Day for me... |
| I can finally start giving plasma again. Yay! I can start working towards a new iPod again. I'm not really sure what else to say at the moment. I should get a review or two in today, but I think I'm ready to leap back into writing. I still need to finish Apple, but I did get the outline for the other story done. I want to get back to Chasing, but first I need to finish Apple. I finished rewriting the bare bones of Chapter 11 last night. It's really long and I'm not sure how to end it. Nor do can I think of a good place to split it. I might just split it for reviewing purposes. Even though I can think of places where to cut some things, I'm not sure if it's going to be enough to shorten it significantly. I'll play around with it later. On some level, it's kinda scary, but I think as the days go by I get more and more lost in my own little world... |
| So did everybody lose the advertisements on the right hand side of this website, or is my browser or computer doing something funky? Not that I miss the advertisements, but it does make the middle of the page huge... Anyway, I would have posted something yesterday, but I was too darn tired. Some how I managed to do laundry and I did post a few things on the Erotica Forum, though. Mostly telling people why I prefer the book format since I finally changed Apple over. Things are looking good with the adoption process for Benn. The lawyer had written up paperwork and got us a hearing for the 29th. It's at 10AM so I don't think there will be a need to spend the night at his parents again. As long as the judge doesn't have an issue with it, it should go through. At least that's how I understand it. What we're hoping is that the court order to have his name changed from this hearing will be enough to get his license back. Otherwise we have to wait for Missouri to issue a new birth certificate. The lawyer said he would do all he could to speed up that process. The Social Security Office said a court order would work, but it was rather vague on what kind of court order. We do need this cleared up before Oct. 31 if we can, because that's when Benn's court date is for the two traffic violations he originally got pulled over for. We're being told if he can prove his name and have a new license, he should be able to get rid of the driving without a license violation. Since I had to get up at 7AM yesterday, I was pretty much dead after noon. We went out for Craig's birthday. He got his carrot cake. I once again confirmed I don't like carrot cake. It was okay in small amounts with the frosting and ice cream, but there's some spice or something in carrot cake I just can't stand in huge amounts. I'd have another piece just to eat the frosting, but I'd figure I'd let Craig finish the rest of it. Hm... It looks like I'm going to have to wake up Benn since he has to be at work soon.... |
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