Very entertaining! I really enjoyed your style. I found myself feeling a little bit sorry for Jenkins though - I suppose it's because I almost always go for the underdog.
I found it funny when Jenkins told the headmaster what his farther said, them being characters in a story.
The only question I had while reading was wounding where the regular teacher was.
Thank you for sharing this delightful short story. Keep writing!
While depressing, I believe your poem is one most, especially writers can relate to. I found it to flow and unfortunately, one I have personally experienced.
I don't have any suggestions; I simply wanted to let you know I've been there too. You are not alone and many times the only thing that comes close to helping is writing.
What a nice twist on something I have been saying as long as I can remember. I have a felling this is about a soldier who is at war.
I noticed twice where you had “eachother” and I'm pretty sure you meant “each other.” The only suggestion I have is to put a space in between the words.
I enjoyed your poem and could just imagine a husband coming home late and his wife asleep. He longs to awaken her ... to hold her but knows he can't for he loves her too much to disturb her.
The only part that seemed a little awkward to me was, “upon me words” and “Good night me love.” But then I have a feeling you might not be American and that would be why it sounds a little off to me. On the other hand it just adds to your poem and gives it an old world charm.
What a nice poem with great flow and oh how so true! People seldom stop to realize how time truly does fly until it is too late and so much time has been lost. I really enjoyed your opening line, "Time can pass in the blink of an eye, before you can ever register a sigh."
WOW! Very moving and enlightening. I was hooked from the very beginning right to the end. I had tears in my eyes and found myself saying a silent prayer for Donnie, never knowing if he actually exists, yet knowing there are many "Donnie's" out there.
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful, heart touching short story.
Well, you said you wanted to know what we thought this was written about. I would say it is either written about the boy’s bathroom in a school, probably middle or high school. I also picture a locker room, with a bathroom connected, and the person has just entered after half time when the guys were in a hurry and had to get back to the field.
You have a great style and I really enjoyed your poem. I think you summed up all the best aspects of a shower beautifully. Unfortunately, I am a person who has to take a shower every morning so they are also part of my wake-up and since I am not a morning person I do not always enjoy my shower.
I really enjoyed your poem and after reading quite a few some what depressing poems I found it rather up lifting.
There is only one area where I had a problem and it was at the end. I'm thinking it might be a typo: "be Thou by Lord," did you mean "be Thou my Lord"?
Hi, I enjoyed your poem and thought it was pretty well written.
In your third line you have "u" instead of "you," and personally, I would take out "away" at the end. I think ending it with melted, says what you want and I feel away is not needed and I feel it takes away from the flow of your poem which otherwise flows very nicely.
I truly enjoyed your poem and I was able to relate completely. I had quit writing for a while and was in an accounting office. I was so miserable that one day I simply had to start writing and was unable to stop. I wrote the first chapter of my book and many short stories and poems. Writing was my only means to survival for my sanity.
I could relate to your poem but it seemed sort of scattered. I know I've had times when I felt certain ways and the only thing I could do to keep from exploding was to write and they pretty much sounded like yours. My only suggestion is to go back to it at a time after your emotions have settled down and try to organize it some what. Of course this is much easier said than done and advice I have been given but was never able to follow.
I enjoyed your poem and found it very cute and funny. I do hope you weren't serious about spreading it on toast and please tell me you clean your toes daily, preferably in the tub or shower! You are a very good writer and quite funny.
Keep up the good work; I look forward to reading more.
You bring up some good points. As a member for ... I believe it is three years now and a paid member for the last two, I can tell you, this site is above the others. I was never pressured into purchasing a membership; I did so to show support of a community which had shown me support. With the gift points awarded, you can get "paid" and "upgraded" accounts and never spend a dime. The StoryMaster and all others are wonderful. I hope you enjoy the site and decide to stay.
Very touching and beautifully written. If this is the same story I am thinking of, these two little boys touched the heat of all Americans. I commend you for remembering their story and expressing your love for them in such a beautiful manner.
Very true and well said. I think every writer knows exactly what you mean. The waiting is the worst ... or is it learning to swallow your pride and admitting your baby needs work and others are right?
You sound very gracious and have an attitude most of us can only dream about.
I did enjoy your story and it brought back memories of all the Boudreaux and Thibodeax jokes and stories from back home in Louisiana. My family and I relocated to Wyoming after Katrina and Rita so you brought back some nice memories of times gone by that I know will be forever a part of our past.
Very funny! I understand why the spelling was the way it was but it still made it a little hard to read. I'm from the south and I still had trouble with some of it. Keep that in mind, you want your reader to get your jest but to understand at the same time. I'd say lay off just a little, where the reader understands these boys are country but won't have such a hard time reading your story.
I think you have a wonderful story to tell but it needs a little work. Tell the story from your sister's point of view. Let the reader see the ghost as she and her friends saw it. With a little work, you could have a great story, especially for Halloween.
Beautiful and so very true! It has been so long since I have actually seen autumn, living in Louisiana ... This year, I didn't even notice the leaves as they turned after the storms, I was just so thankful that family and I were safe. Hopefully, this year, I will notice when the leaves turn and maybe I'll write a poem myself.
There were a few spots where it didn't flow quite as well as the rest such as, "It is food for your soul’s health." To me, "It is essential for your soul’s health" flows much better. But that's just my opinion.
Nicely written but I found it sad. I picture a handsome young man with his entire future ahead of him and the wasted potential he had. I've known a few people (haven't we all?)Who have missed all life had to offer. As unfair as it seems there are some which it seems sadder than others. I suppose it seems they have greater potential than others but regardless, it's sad.
I hope the person you wrote about did get his life back together.
Best of luck.
Tammatha
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