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226
226
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,


A young lad seeking adventure arrived at my shop – his eyes were alight with delight as he viewed the old items on the shelves. He was looking for a particular item. He would not tell me what it was it seemed a grand adventure to him.

I think you change out one of the "adventure" for another word.


He purchased something from my shelf which I had never recalled seeing

seeing.


it seemed to be a sword encased in a wooden case that had a clear top almost like a show case.

it seemed to be a sword held in a wooden case that had a clear top almost like a show case.

Since I am a contentious about selling such a thing to a young person I made sure that he was at least 18. He smiled at this and proceeded to produce his id. Much to my surprise the man was not at all as young as his appearance and I had to search his eyes to make sure that the id that I looked at was not a fake. He was actually 45, and the more I looked into those bright green eyes the more I could see that he was unlike any other person I had ever seen. I looked up the price and found that the sword in question was named the Dragon’s Tail. When I told him the name his eyes sparkled like green gems in the sun. He paid for the sword and then at my request opened the case and removed the sword in its sheath from the case.

I think this is where you should start a new paragraph.


Looking up at him from the sword with a questioning look. “I’m not sure I understand?”

The first part of this seems off.


Then as if he read my mind, he reached out and touched my arm.

I think you could cut this. You imply this in the following sentence.


My mind raced I had not said a word.

raced;


“Ok.” Was all I could say.

"OK," was


“Breath upon the Dragon’s Tail a light one wishes he were with the.”

How did she know these were the swords from the sword. I thought you said she could not read them.


I knew then that the Dragon’s tail was no mere sword; Those had been the words I had seen.

Tail

sword; those

That evening counting the money in my drawer I found the price of the sword and a very rare gift, an amulet of unknown origin on it was written,

drawer,

With that I smiled someone else was happy.

that,

smiled,


These are going to be great when you are through.


Alice
227
227
Review of No One Else Sees  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I am ONE of the judges for the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1478353 by Not Available.
and this is your final review for the contest.


The title is fine.

The formatting is good.


I thought most of the stanzas cadence and rhyme schemes work, expect for this:

I know when you linger
I feel you
anxiously waiting
as I am too.

It sounded off when I read it out loud.

I've come to know you
as you well know me
yes, this nightly battle
no one else sees.

I think... it should be...

in this nightly battle


Over all this better good. Poetry is hard.


Alice
228
228
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello,

I am one of the judges for the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1478353 by Not Available.


Formatting looks good.

I really the title.

Standing on the hill; the breeze caressed her face and dried the tears on her cheeks.

Introductory clause needs a comma and not a semicolon.


She could she the face of her father.

I am not sure what you are trying to say here.


The opening paragraph is all right.



Shortly before the last three days of her Dad’s life, Jeff had delivered his crushing blow.

her dad's


You could weed out some of the "had", they are not always needed.


So now her father was gone and her marriage was gone and she felt like her heart was gone as well.

gone,

gone,




She wanted her Father so she could cry on his shoulder and have him say it was going to be all right, just for a moment.

father


She wanted Jeff to hold her so she could cry about her Father and have Jeff tell her he would take care of things and it would be all right only now she had neither.

father


There was a time when the death of her father and the divorce would have driven her to search the streets for the familiar wink of the eye and nod of the head, “I got what you need baby,”

head.

baby."


She wanted her Father so she could cry on his shoulder and have him say it was going to be all right, just for a moment. She wanted Jeff to hold her so she could cry about her Father and have Jeff tell her he would take care of things and it would be all right only now she had neither. Daphne ran her fingers through her long dark hair biting her bottom lip, the moving would begin again, and those ten years of wandering from place to place like a nomad rose before her eyes. All the old feelings of failure rose up in her. She squeezed her eyes shut against the past but it came rushing back. There was a time when the death of her father and the divorce would have driven her to search the streets for the familiar wink of the eye and nod of the head, “I got what you need baby,” The needle in the arm and oblivion; the nameless, faceless, men; the courage in a glass; and the obsession of mind that followed; she knew the drill. She had driven away everyone she had ever loved. Her father had been so angry and bitter he couldn't bear the sight of her. That had all changed.



She wanted her Father so she could cry on his shoulder and have him say it was going to be all right, just for a moment. She wanted Jeff to hold her so she could cry about her Father and have Jeff tell her he would take care of things and it would be all right only now she had neither. Daphne ran her fingers through her long dark hair biting her bottom lip, the moving would begin again, and those ten years of wandering from place to place like a nomad rose before her eyes. All the old feelings of failure rose up in her. She squeezed her eyes shut against the past but it came rushing back.

There was a time when the death of her father and the divorce would have driven her to search the streets for the familiar wink of the eye and nod of the head, “I got what you need baby,” The needle in the arm and oblivion; the nameless, faceless, men; the courage in a glass; and the obsession of mind that followed; she knew the drill. She had driven away everyone she had ever loved. Her father had been so angry and bitter he couldn't bear the sight of her. That had all changed.


You have a lot of sentences that start with the same pronoun "She". I think you should rework some of these to help with the flow of the story.

You should as think about using her name a tad more.

It seems to me, you have a great deal of passive voice in this story.



Watching the slow descent of her father into a world she could not comprehend was agonizing. She would watch him talk to his reflection and ask, “Who is he?” He became a two-year-old in an adult body. We had to protect him from hurting himself. He tried to eat garbage, drink detergent. He was terrified of being alone. She hugged herself and tears began to slip down her cheeks as she recalled the tender way in which her stepmother Teresa, had cared for her father. She wanted him to die at home and so Daphne had supported her in this. Her father adored Teresa and she him. Daphne might not ever find love in this life like the love they shared but she saw something special between them. Teresa kissed his face, held his hand, bathed him, changed him, and loved him till the end no matter how hard it got.

Watching the slow descent of her father into a world she could not comprehend was agonizing. She would watch him talk to his reflection and ask, “Who is he?” He became a two-year-old in an adult body. We had to protect him from hurting himself. He tried to eat garbage, drink detergent. He was terrified of being alone. She hugged herself and tears began to slip down her cheeks as she recalled the tender way in which her stepmother Teresa, had cared for her father.

She wanted him to die at home and so Daphne had supported her in this. Her father adored Teresa and she him. Daphne might not ever find love in this life like the love they shared but she saw something special between them. Teresa kissed his face, held his hand, bathed him, changed him, and loved him till the end no matter how hard it got.


All of these thoughts were going through her mind as she drifted down the hill towards the bench. The bench. Daphne had always loved it here.

I think that you could remove some thing and combine some too.

All of these thoughts went through Daphne's mind as she drifted down the hill towards the bench she had always loved.

There is more you could do like this, but I have other stories to get through.



You mix your tense off and on in the story.

This is where her first marriage had ended and she had began the crusade of self-destruction.

begun

Yet she had always came here for solace, the trees seemed to hold the secrets to the eternities in their branches.

come


There are places you give us the same information.


I like the story much more when she got to the beach and the trees. To me, this is where the real story started.



The majestic evergreen feared there would be lightening. Both trees recalled sadly the old pine split in two by the last storm. The top to the pine lay haphazardly on the ground and left behind was the jagged and scarred trunk.

GREAT!


He waited in fear; for the wind, the rain, the lightening…. It all came with a price some good, some fatal.

lightening . . . It

He looked again at the woman and then at the oak…..

the oak.


She had abandoned herself for a moment but reality was always a heartbeat away. She wanted something. Anything. Answers. Why did some people suffer while others seemed to go on with life as if nothing ever touched them? Where was her father now? Could he see her? Did he care? Did the oak know she was here? What kind of things had it seen before? Did it have the answers she sought? Was her Father somewhere up there? Where was her faith? She thought she knew the answers to all these questions and yet now her loneliness choked her with despair and she didn’t know what she believed or thought anymore. For a moment she could look up in the leaves of the oak and could almost see eternity there in the branches. The larger limbs branched out into smaller limbs into branches into, into branches, into twigs, into twigs and so on until it was impossible to count. She looked at the trunk of the tree. Did the roots go into the earth the same way? What kind of events had taken place beneath this oak she wondered. The wind became sharper and she reached her arms up towards the tree feeling inexplicably drawn towards its foreboding beauty. The pain of the past events felt sharper and more intense with every gust of wind and she wanted only for a peace and calmness in her soul. Was her father somewhere out there beckoning and calling to her? Why was the tree drawing her so? She didn’t really care. She just wanted to go away. Wanted the pain to stop. Wanted her heart to stop hurting. Maybe if she could just disappear……


She had abandoned herself for a moment but reality was always a heartbeat away. She wanted something. Anything. Answers. Why did some people suffer while others seemed to go on with life as if nothing ever touched them? Where was her father now? Could he see her? Did he care? Did the oak know she was here? What kind of things had it seen before? Did it have the answers she sought? Was her Father somewhere up there? Where was her faith? She thought she knew the answers to all these questions and yet now her loneliness choked her with despair and she didn’t know what she believed or thought anymore.

For a moment she could look up in the leaves of the oak and could almost see eternity there in the branches. The larger limbs branched out into smaller limbs into branches into, into branches, into twigs, into twigs and so on until it was impossible to count.

She looked at the trunk of the tree.

Did the roots go into the earth the same way? What kind of events had taken place beneath this oak she wondered.

The wind became sharper and she reached her arms up towards the tree feeling inexplicably drawn towards its foreboding beauty.

The pain of the past events felt sharper and more intense with every gust of wind and she wanted only for a peace and calmness in her soul. Was her father somewhere out there beckoning and calling to her? Why was the tree drawing her so? She didn’t really care. She just wanted to go away. Wanted the pain to stop. Wanted her heart to stop hurting. Maybe if she could just disappear……



Maybe if she could just disappear……

disappear...



The oak interrupted. "Just a little closer..." Daphne was losing herself in the whispering of the trees and she didn’t care because all she felt was tired just so very very tired…..of the ache in her heart.


The oak interrupted. "Just a little closer..."

Daphne was losing herself in the whispering of the trees and she didn’t care because all she felt was tired just so very very tired…..of the ache in her heart.

very, very tired . . . of


This is not horror, but it is an interesting idea. It needs some work; them you would have a touching story. If you ever do, please let me know. I would like to see what you do with it.


Alice
229
229
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I am one of the judges for the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1478353 by Not Available.


I love the title. It tells a story onto itself. Most titles are boring.

I like the picture.

The formatting is great.

I like the words you have chose to create a mood. The poem reminds of Sleepy Hollow. I love that story.

Wonderful rhyme scheme and stupendous cadence.

Alice
230
230
Review of The Closet  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

I am one of the judges for the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1478353 by Not Available.


I like the name.

Formatting looks good.

I am trying to look at this as if you you were submitting to a magazine, my magazine. I will try and tell what I do like and what I feel you could do better.

Sean stood outside his door and peered inside.

This is really vague.

The opening paragraph really does not give me a reason to read on. It lacks a hook.

You could also make you words work for you. That means to not say things in a round about way and to make sure each word is needed and shows us something.

Here is a technique you may wish to try is one that is simple and helps with flow. That is to try and start only a small amount of sentences with pronouns.

I have no real idea who old Sean is, what he looks like, where he is other than his house? Why is he all alone?

The light was still on and he could hear the comforting sounds of the tv in the living room; his parents were still awake. An hour passed before the tv went quiet.

TV


It seems to me that you do more telling than showing.


The story lacks a real ending and could be enhanced if you were to add some sensory details.

Your spelling and grammar are good.

Keep writing. That is the only we improve and tell better stories.


Alice
231
231
Review of Already His  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

I am one of the judges for
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1796112 by Not Available.


The title is okay.

Personally I like names. Names allow me to see a character.

The opening is okay.

Formatting looks good.

Good action and description.



Your grammar needs a bit of work. It is pretty good though.

“You can’t get away, so why try?” His deep and hushed voice told her.

his

In her fright, she’d simply been yanking the handle the wrong way. She’d been his the moment he’d slid into the room and he’d known it.

I do not think you should use contractions unless it is in dialog.


I love vamps. but this tale offered me nothing new to sink my teeth into. It was however nicely written.


Alice
232
232
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

As you know, I was reading this and I thought I might as give you quick review.

I love this. It is much better than a lot of the things I have read about him. It straight forward, easy to understand and yet has small personal touches.

I wish there was more.

I am marking this as fav for my notes later. Please let me know when there is more.


ALice
233
233
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

So I am going through all the stories for this months round in the Short Shots. It amazes me how many different stories can come from a single picture.

I must say, this one is really clean. I found no notes to give you for improvement.

The story was good and very well-written. I like that you have us as questions right from the start.

The best part was the last line.



Good luck in the contest.


Alice
234
234
Review of Moonville  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

And welcome to Writing.com.

Is it not amazing where a picture can lead you? So many stories from one image. I think you made good use of it.

I like the title.

I like the opening paragraph.

I think the story works overall, and I enjoyed my read.


Alice
235
235
Review of Summer Nights  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I am one of the judges for
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1478353 by Not Available.


We will read everything again after the close of the contest. That is reading that means the most.

Please feel free to ignore anything I have to say. After all, it is your story.

+++

I like the title.

The formatting, spelling, and grammar look wonderful.

Most of the time I dislike first person POV, but this one really worked.

I like the use of accents.

“Call me Tom.” he said before disappearing into the trees.

Tom,"

A clawed hand swung down and slashed open my chest.

Clawed hands swung down and slashed open my chest.


Okay, WHY would have his grandson stay in the room with witch/ghost? That really spoiled it for me.

Alice
236
236
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Hmm perhaps this is the opening story?

My writing had hit a blank wall, writters block I guess.

writers (If you are in the USA)

I could not go swimming as Autumn had hit with a passion, and did I mention that I had just turned 40?

autumn


It was more than just turning 40.

Consider...

But it was more than that.


My oldest two children had left home the year before and I had only one child at home and he was spending the weekend at his fathers house.

father's

As I drove my mind seemed to be blissfully blank and some how that disturbed me more.

drove,


I had just turned 40 and was feeling depressed. My writing had hit a blank wall, writters block I guess. I could not go swimming as Autumn had hit with a passion, and did I mention that I had just turned 40? It was more than just turning 40. My oldest two children had left home the year before and I had only one child at home and he was spending the weekend at his fathers house. I had decided that I would try to find some sort of inspiration in the antique shops that were in the little town just a few miles away. As I drove my mind seemed to be blissfully blank and some how that disturbed me more. It felt as if I were in a fog. As I passed the sign for the town boasting the "Antique capital of Texas" I wondered if I would find the much sought after inspiration?

I think you this is too disjointed and needs some connective tissue.

I had just turned 40 and was feeling depressed. My writing had hit a blank wall, writters block I guess. I could not go swimming as Autumn had hit with a passion.(c:pink} Swimming allowed my to escape and wash away my cobwebs. And did I mention that I had just turned 40? It was more than just turning 40. My oldest two children had left home the year before and I had only one child at home and he was spending the weekend at his father's house. All alone, I had decided that I would try to find some sort of inspiration in the antique shops that were in the little town just a few miles away. As I drove my mind seemed to be blissfully blank and some how that disturbed me more. It felt as if I were in a fog. As I passed the sign for the town boasting the "Antique capital of Texas" I wondered if I would find the much sought after inspiration?


Remember I am in the USA so my spelling notes may be wrong if you live somewhere else.


In the fourth shop a few items breifly caught my attention.

briefly

I was frustraited and tired now and my breakfast seemed to have been a very long time ago, so I climbed in my car and started for home, although I thought a change in scenery might do me some good so I was taking a different route home than I had came.

frustrated

I looked at the back of the door and the bells looked like something from an old-time christmas card.

Christmas

I shut the door behind me and pulled my eyes around the shop had four rows of glass tired shelfs to my right with a huge window on that side of the building.

shelves

"The Shop of Oddities", wow with a name like that, I had several thousand ideas come to me so before I could get out and investigate the shop I, wrote furiously in my journal.

that I

me. Before

shop,


My attention was imediatly drawn to the side with everything leaning against the wall as It looked like an invitation to explore what might be hidden behind things.

immediately

as it looked

Even thought the shop was somewhat crowded with things, the floor was spotless and there was not even one speck of dust on anything.

I even thought

floor;

I took out my note pad and began writing so many things of intrest there was a mirror shapped sort of like a shark fin, and a doll that looked like one that I had as a child.

interest

shaped

After several minutes of writing I proceeded through the store writing every so often as something else caught my imagination.

writing,


I pulled to the main street with all the shops and parked my car. I went through three without so much as a tug of anything remotely inspiring. In the fourth shop a few items breifly caught my attention. I was frustraited and tired now and my breakfast seemed to have been a very long time ago, so I climbed in my car and started for home, although I thought a change in scenery might do me some good so I was taking a different route home than I had came. I turned the corner and a shop caught my attention. It was if the sign hanging above the shop door had jumped out and hit me. I had to stop. The sign alone was enough of an inspiration that I just had to stop and write it down. "The Shop of Oddities", wow with a name like that, I had several thousand ideas come to me so before I could get out and investigate the shop I, wrote furiously in my journal. Finally the ideas slowed so I got out and walked into the shop. As I walked in the front door, musical and rustic bells sounded like the ones you see pictured on horses pulling a sleigh. I looked at the back of the door and the bells looked like something from an old-time christmas card. I shut the door behind me and pulled my eyes around the shop had four rows of glass tired shelfs to my right with a huge window on that side of the building. On the left was two more rows of two glass shelves to my left with a brick wall the bottom half had several items leaned up against it a couple were covered with drop cloths and some were leaning against other things. Even thought the shop was somewhat crowded with things, the floor was spotless and there was not even one speck of dust on anything. My attention was imediatly drawn to the side with everything leaning against the wall as It looked like an invitation to explore what might be hidden behind things. I took out my note pad and began writing so many things of intrest there was a mirror shapped sort of like a shark fin, and a doll that looked like one that I had as a child. Then there was a newly crocheted sweater that's tag read hand made. After several minutes of writing I proceeded through the store writing every so often as something else caught my imagination.

I think this needs to be broken up a bit.



I pulled to the main street with all the shops and parked my car. I went through three without so much as a tug of anything remotely inspiring. In the fourth shop a few items briefly caught my attention.

I was frustrated and tired now and my breakfast seemed to have been a very long time ago, so I climbed in my car and started for home, although I thought a change in scenery might do me some good so I was taking a different route home than I had came.

I turned the corner and a shop caught my attention. It was if the sign hanging above the shop door had jumped out and hit me. I had to stop.

The sign alone was enough of an inspiration that I just had to stop and write it down. "The Shop of Oddities", wow with a name like that, I had several thousand ideas come to me so before I could get out and investigate the shop, I wrote furiously in my journal. Finally the ideas slowed so I got out and walked into the shop.

As I walked in the front door, musical and rustic bells sounded like the ones you see pictured on horses pulling a sleigh. I looked at the back of the door and the bells looked like something from an old-time Christmas card.

I shut the door behind me and pulled my eyes around the shop had four rows of glass tired shelves to my right with a huge window on that side of the building. On the left was two more rows of two glass shelves to my left with a brick wall the bottom half had several items leaned up against it a couple were covered with drop cloths and some were leaning against other things. I even thought the shop was somewhat crowded with things, the floor was spotless and there was not even one speck of dust on anything.

My attention was immediately drawn to the side with everything leaning against the wall as It looked like an invitation to explore what might be hidden behind things.

I took out my note pad and began writing so many things of interest there was a mirror shaped sort of like a shark fin, and a doll that looked like one that I had as a child. Then there was a newly crocheted sweater that's tag read hand made. After several minutes of writing I preceded through the store writing every so often as something else caught my imagination.



For several minutes I could only stand studying her with a felling of embarresment on my face, like a child caught stealing, until she smiled.

feeling

embarrassment


Her smile was so joyious that it seemed to radiate up and out through her eyes.Then she spoke to me, "My child you're much to young to look so sad."

joyous

eyes. Then

." Astonishment must have crossed my face for seh continued with, "Don't worry, I am so glad you came."

she


After being in the store for about thirty minutes and writing and looking I finally reached the back counter. In the corner sitting in a rocking chair sat an older lady. For several minutes I could only stand studying her with a felling of embarrassment on my face, like a child caught stealing, until she smiled. Her smile was so joyous that it seemed to radiate up and out through her eyes. Then she spoke to me, "My child you're much to young to look so sad." Then it was my turn to smile. "Well, I hope my shop is an inspiration for you? I see you're a writer." Astonishment must have crossed my face for seh continued with, "Don't worry, I am so glad you came."

I think this needs broken up as well...


After being in the store for about thirty minutes and writing and looking I finally reached the back counter. In the corner sitting in a rocking chair sat an older lady. For several minutes I could only stand studying her with a felling of embarrassment on my face, like a child caught stealing, until she smiled. Her smile was so joyous that it seemed to radiate up and out through her eyes.

Then she spoke to me, "My child you're much to young to look so sad."

Then it was my turn to smile. "Well, I hope my shop is an inspiration for you? I see you're a writer."

Astonishment must have crossed my face for she continued with, "Don't worry, I am so glad you came."



Okay that is some of it. I've got start dinner.

Think this holds a great deal or promise.


Alice
237
237
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Love the title.

The bells attached to the front door jingled as a young woman walked into the shop. She was wet from the pouring rain, which did little to hide the fact that she had been crying. She approached the counter as she took in the surroundings.
“Could I please use your restroom? I will purchase something when I come out.”

The bells attached to the front door jingled as a young woman walked into the shop. She was wet from the pouring rain, which did little to hide the fact that she had been crying. She approached the counter as she took in the surroundings.

“Could I please use your restroom? I will purchase something when I come out.”

Consider rearranging the second sentence, in a way that removes the use of "She" as the first word. This helps with the flow of most stories.

Also if this is the opening to a collection than you need to show the show shop more. This will give your growing collections a foundation to grow from.

“Sure, right this way” and I led her to the area where the restroom door was.

way." I

I stayed within eyeshot of the door hoping this was not all an act, and feeling guilty when she continued to cry.

I think you need to change the tense here.

felt


She came out a little more collected a few minutes later and was looking around the shop.

Consider....

A few minutes later she came

Tense change

looked


Being not to far from a nice restaurant, I guessed, that she had her heart broken and walked down here afterwards.

too

I smiled, “Is there anything I can help you with”?

with?"

That puzzled me, I thought for sure that she had just broken up with someone.

me;

“Are you sure that your ok?”

OK?"

"It just seems eveyone around me has someone.

everyone

“Oh well, I am sure it will be ok.

OK.

“No that’s ok, I’ll be fine.”

OK,

That’s when I remembered the rose colored glass bottle.

rose-colored

With her interest up, I went over and took down the rose colored bottle from the shelf. The label read “Lonely no More”. On the side there were directions.
A slight smile started to form, the first genuine one she had given in the time she was in the shop. “Ok, I’ll take it.” She reached for the bottle and looked at the label and directions. “I like the glass even if it is a gag. Here is a hundred.”


With her interest up, I went over and took down the rose colored bottle from the shelf. The label read “Lonely no More”. On the side there were directions.

A slight smile started to form, the first genuine one she had given in the time she was in the shop. “Ok, I’ll take it.” She reached for the bottle and looked at the label and directions. “I like the glass even if it is a gag. Here is a hundred.”


With her interest up, I went over and took down the rose colored bottle from the shelf.

rose-colored

The label read “Lonely no More”.

read,

No More."

“Ok, I’ll take it.”

"OK,

“Um, yes well, it is not…….”

not . . ."

she cut me off in mid stream,

stream.

“Five hundred is as high as I can go,” she said reaching into her bag and pulling out four more hundred’s.

hundreds.

I never knew what was on the letters.

in the


I think you have the start of a good story but this one needs more to it. I know go back in to fresh stories and add this, change that, remove this ect.

I look forward to read all the rest!


Alice









238
238
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

“That’s me,” Charles said as he stood and faced the young agent. Charles Williams was his legal name but he liked Charles Hemingway von Liechtenstein better.

It would be really interesting if we know why he liked the name.

The gesture was made with her left hand which was noticeably lacking any jewelry.

hand,

It was a dark, slender hand adorned with recently pruned French tip nails.

I think "pruned" is not a great choice.


“I was reviewing your experience with a few of my colleagues,” she started, “and we were wondering what exactly you were looking for.”

started.

Howsabout lookin’ for $40.”

Hows about

I got no real sense of place, time or what anyone or anything looked like. This was not bad, just not enough there for me.


Alice
239
239
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Love the title and the subject matter.

I love vampire movies. I was going to back asleep but I stumbled upon one on TV starring Julian Sands, whom is a particular favorite of mine.

Written by a sexually frustrated Irish public servant named Abraham Stoker and first published in 1897, it has since been the subject of Thirty seven thousand movies.

thirty

As seedy, sordid and bloody as many of these movies were, they were bloody (pardon the intentional pun) entertaining.

And as I recall, profitable so much so it took Hammer from red to black.

In someways I love Copla's Dracula. And in others I dislike it very much. In the what I love about it our weighs what I do not, nonetheless parts of it still bother the hell out of me.

Lucy of course is being courted by three different but naturally attractive suitors, bumbling but earnest Doctor John Seward, played by Richard E. Grant, who incidentally happens to be in charge of the insane asylum down the road.

Three different but naturally attractive suitors, bumbling but earnest Doctor John Seward, played by Richard E. Grant, who incidentally happens to be in charge of the insane asylum down the road,

Instead he was wearing a very eastern looking robe and had his long grey hair tied up in two very distinctive looking buns.

This is one of the things that bother me. I am happy that he was not in a tux but the look bothered me. I did like that there were dragons on the robe.

I was really hoping that you (as implied by the title) discuss the book and not one movie. Even that was little more than plot with a few personally opinions( most of which I agree with).

The things I find interesting about the film you never did touch upon.

Overall this is nicely written but I am disappointed. You brought no fresh reevaluations.


Alice
240
240
Review of No One Else Sees  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I am one of the judges for

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1478353 by Not Available.


Please free to ignore anything I might have to say, after all it is your poem not mine.

I am only one of the judges and we will both read everything again after the close of the contest.


+++

I like the title, formatting and centering of the poem.


I really like this:

I know when you linger
I feel you
anxiously waiting
as I am too.

It was here the poem shift and stood on its own feet (or claws).


Good sense of cadence and rhyme scheme.


Thanks for entering.

Alice
241
241
Review of Too Late  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Thank you so much! Welcome to the site.

Okay here is what I see. Please keep in mind I may be wrong and first listen to yourself.

The click of a camera caught his attention, his smile widened as he took in his blond athletically trim wife. “You are so beautiful Mrs. Allen.” David wrapped her in a hug and smelled the fruity sent of her shampoo. The music of her silver laughter caused the deer to look up quizzically and Ann untangled her arms from her husband’s just enough to click of some more shots. Finished, she leaned back into David’s broad chest and they watched the mother and baby trot back into the forest.

The click of a camera caught his attention, his smile widened as he took in his blond athletically trim wife.

“You are so beautiful Mrs. Allen.”

David wrapped her in a hug and smelled the fruity sent of her shampoo. The music of her silver laughter caused the deer to look up quizzically and Ann untangled her arms from her husband’s just enough to click of some more shots. Finished, she leaned back into David’s broad chest and they watched the mother and baby trot back into the forest.




“Being back out here makes me miss Matt.” Ann sighed; she felt David tense and draw back. “You haven’t talked to him have you?”

“Being back out here makes me miss Matt.” Ann sighed; she felt David tense and draw back.

“You haven’t talked to him have you?”

You need to break this up because it two different actions.




“He misses you David, and I know you miss him. Be the bigger man and go talk to your brother.” Ann pleaded.

brother," Ann

Because you saying how she says it, it should be connected.




“I will, when we get back, I promise,”

promise."

Opps, you forgot your period.



“Yeah dad, we’ll be there tomorrow.” David clicked off.

Dad,

Here, you are using "dad" as a name and not a title so it should be capitalized.



“Umm,” David struggled to collect himself, “Matt’s dead, Dad found him this morning. He slipped on some water on the floor… and died.”

himself.

I think this one could go either way. If you see the person doing the action the whole time than keep it as is. If not, then you need to change it.




Now I am going to give this a bit of a low rating but that is ONLY because of grammar. Once you fix it and tell me I will be HAPPY to come back and CHANGE my RATING!

Again, thank your for your helpful review you gave me. I truly hope to hear from you again.

Alice
242
242
Review of Chairs  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good to see you back and writing again.


What was she doing here? She remembered feeling ill; nauseous; and she had taken herself to bed in the hope of sleeping it off.

I think....

ill, nauseous and

“Junior’s hungry.” Doctor hubby pronounced jubilantly as she passed out into the safeness of unconsciousness.

hungry,"



I do not like:

Later.

I see why it is there, but it seem to not belong because others have something to do with light or darkness; this is neither.



“What time is it?” She enquired as she rubbed at the soreness in her eyes.

she



“What time is it?” She enquired as she rubbed at the soreness in her eyes.



“Bad dream?” His wife asked, trying to stifle a giggle, and not succeeding.

his



Great last line. I think this well paced.

I am not sure what this has to do with the Necronomicon but other than that, an entertaining read.


Alice
243
243
Review of Conjuring Fiction  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to the board.

I love your title.

I think you should consider giving the creatures names.

I feel you have too many sentences grouped together that start with "He" and "The". I feel it bogs down a story.

I think you should break up the large paragraph more. Consider...

The stronger things still assaulted the men’s minds with their hideous images, but listened to the ancient one’s wisdom. They listened too hard. One of them sent the plans into the circle. One of the men saw his images of death change for just a brief moment. He saw the flames crash, his shadow lengthen and the things crawl across the bridge. He felt claws tear through him driving him out into the nothing. He saw his essence squeezed out through his eyes by the force of the oncoming horde. He felt the cold nothing that awaited him if he was to be disembodied. In that nothing he ceased to exist. He screamed. Even the thoughts of the things were rent by that terrific wail.

He opened his eyes. He saw what was just beyond the flames, what their foolish words had conjured. Darkness had built a wall around the fading circle, a wall of twisting flesh; arms withered and unformed, leathery wings traced in thin spider’s webbing, pulsing organs not yet hidden by full flesh, and eyes. Eyes in the dozens reflected back fire with a greed that he could feel. He knew what they hungered for. He knew what he had to do. He turned his back away from the nearest edge of the circle and looked deep into the closest, burning eyes.

The things’, angered at being seen, fury built to a physical force that drove the man back, back towards the flames. The things knew his plan. Unformed limbs, still dripping with the ephemera of dreams, reached into the light to grab him, to stop the man. The light dissolved the reaching limbs and roars filled the darkness. He stumbled as he stepped away from the writhing wall of darkness. As he fell he whispered a short prayer, ‘may whatever gods exist, look down on me in my folly and grant me respite before finding me again.’ Then he fell back into the fire. The heat alighted his clothes in seconds, the flames burned on him as new fuel. The fire grew tall. His eyes never left the darkness, his mouth never moved to scream.


Bat-shaped chocolate-chocolate chip cookies.”

Chocolate chip cookie are not cut-out cookies and do not shape well.

It felt a little lovecraftian. But I found the ending a little too predictable. I guessed it by the title.



Alice
244
244
Review of Time Is Short  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello,

I am not a person heap on praise to make you feel good because you are paying a high amount of GPS. I do not pay for reviews looking for praise. I want to know what the person really thinks. I hope you do to.

TIME IS SHORT.

I do not think you should have a period here.

“In the divine name Iao, I invoke thee thy great angel Hru, who art set over the operations of this secret wisdom, Lay thine hands upon these consecrated cards of art, that thereby I may obtain knowledge of secret wisdoms –

wisdoms --"


She stepped into the room. I closed the door, returning the murky darkness to my studio. Moving around the table I indicated her seat to the right of my own.
Her discomfort prickled the air. Her hands were curled around each other in her lap. Taking her left hand in my right, I placed her hand on the deck of cards.

She stepped into the room. I closed the door, returning the murky darkness to my studio. Moving around the table I indicated her seat to the right of my own.

Her discomfort prickled the air. Her hands were curled around each other in her lap. Taking her left hand in my right, I placed her hand on the deck of cards.

Her discomfort prickled the air.

Good line.


“You’re cold” I commented.

cold,"


“Yes, She replied. “It’s nippy outside.”

"Yes," she


“Why are you here today” I asked picking up the cards and shuffling.

today?"


And one should never do their own cards.” I spoke softly, hoping to get my message through to her.

cards,"

“Yes.” She said expectantly.

"Yes," she

“Yes, Yes.” She nodded excitedly.

“Yes. Yes," she nodded excitedly.


“Thanos! Yes” She said breathlessly.

Yes," she


“Oh, Why? Is he not the right one for me?” She asked downhearted.

she


“They?” She asked.

she

“The spirits.” I answered.

spirits,"


“Erm, - she’s my best friend.” Christine gulped, eyes wide.

friend,"

“She will betray your friendship, she may have already done so.” I mused.

so,"

“Can you see any good news in there for me” She asked sarcastically.
me," she

“You are with child.” I said, not looking up.

child,"

“You’re kidding!” She exclaimed, falling back in her chair.

she

Just a thought... I have read cards too... To me: Looking at the reversed Death card you will see all the symbolism of endings, finality and destruction on the top of the card. Could it be that all this is in the person’s head or an extension of their imagination. When it is a one card draw, it could very well be a troubled mind.

In a layout, the meaning will be modified to some degree by the other cards especially if they are upright and stronger in personality. Yes, the reversal does weaken the card in the company of more powerful cards.

As the outcome card, Death reversed will tell you it is not over, yet. In fact, you will be on the verge of it (situation/person) being over, concluding or finalizing.

But I do not know what the cards are and reading is a bit of an art-form, but still this interpretation does not ring true for me.

“Thank you.” Christine spoke blankly; clearly she was having difficulty digesting much of the last 15 minutes.

you,"


“Of course.” I muttered as I raised myself.

course," I

“Sadly” I began, “I have further bad news to impart.” I watched as once again, she paled.

"Sadly,"

“Is it my father?” She whispered.

she

“This is not an old male.” I searched the cards for more clues on the death it had shown me. Quite suddenly, a horn’s blast sailed through the window, followed by the noise of crunching metal. I pulled myself slowly from my concentrated reverie.
Christine had jumped from her chair and stood at the window.


“This is not an old male.” I searched the cards for more clues on the death it had shown me. Quite suddenly, a horn’s blast sailed through the window, followed by the noise of crunching metal. I pulled myself slowly from my concentrated reverie.

Christine had jumped from her chair and stood at the window.

“Do you have a phone?” She asked.

she

I don’t think anyone will come out of that one alive, In fact I -,

alive.

I --"


“Oh my God No!” She whispered.

she



Sadly do to the large amount of minor grammar mistakes, I cannot give this a higher rating.

I also feel that the story has little description and I would like to see more. That way I can see it in my head and place myself in the tale.

If you make changes to the story and tell me, I will be happy to read this again and change my rating.


I wish you well on your writing journey,

Alice
245
245
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hello,

Do you want to know?

Do You Want to Know?

Great tag!


The room buzzed, although only I seemed to notice, energy spots rained through my vision like snow falling. I felt a jolt go through my spine, my neck snapped back and darkness rolled in. From a distance, a deep male voice echoed.

"....At peace now, don't mourn." It sighed.

The room buzzed, although only I seemed to notice, energy spots rained through my vision like snow falling. I felt a jolt go through my spine, my neck snapped back and darkness rolled in.

From a distance, a deep male voice echoed. "...At peace now, don't mourn," it sighed.

Please also note that it is only ... and no more.

Also: mourn," it


"Reason lies in Rebecca's bedside table....second drawer.....her diary. Can't stay here much longer... Have to leave you....I forgive you Anne." The voice chuckled away into the distance.

table...
drawer....
you...

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...



In front of me sat a mother, Anne and her two daughters, the eldest, a tall slender woman of about twenty-two with a mane of velvety smooth blonde hair, spoke first.

“I don’t believe it was him.” She snapped.

In front of me sat a mother, Anne and her two daughters, the eldest, a tall slender woman of about twenty-two with a mane of velvety smooth blonde hair, spoke first. “I don’t believe it was him,” she snapped.



“Rebecca” Anne chided “This lady has not been in your bedroom, how would she know where you keep your diary?”


“Rebecca,” Anne chided,


“Where every girl keeps her diary, Mum.” Ruby, the youngest, whispered.

Mum," Ruby


With this in mind, you can choose to ignore the messages you have received and clear them from your minds or, use the information you have been given to put an end to this spirit’s suffering”

suffering."


“He didn’t sound like he was suffering to me. He laughed at us.” Anne muttered as she stared down at the table.

us," Anne


“My purpose here is done, if he has provided you with more riddles than answers, this in itself, is a journey that only you can decide to take, ultimately, his message to you will become clear.” I answered diplomatically.

clear,"



“Take heart” I whispered as I felt the familiar tingle return to my skin.
“He sends his love and bears no grudge at you having an affair”

“Take heart,” I whispered as I felt the familiar tingle return to my skin. “He sends his love and bears no grudge at you having an affair”

NOTE TOO: heart,"


I feel your father has known for some time.” I said gently.

time," I


“Shut up, Shut up!” Anne wailed.

up!


“Yeah” Ruby stood, pointing a finger at Rebecca. “ Based on the fact that his wife was having an affair!”

"Yeah,"


“Stop it both of you” Anne snapped.

you,"


“But,” Rebecca began, “When we asked him now if he’d left a note somewhere, he
said, it’s in my dairy. It doesn’t make sense.”

“But,” Rebecca began, “When we asked him now if he’d left a note somewhere, he said, it’s in my dairy. It doesn’t make sense.”


“He said, the reason, is in your diary.” I cut in.

diary,"



“Two entries?” She replied.

she


“He’s poisoned your father” She replied vaguely. “We have to let the police know.”

father," she


“James is my lover.” Anne whispered.

lover,"




I liked the story, but there are too many small mistakes for me to rate this any higher. If you make these changes please let me know, and I will come back and read it again and change my rating.


Alice
246
246
Review of Already His  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I am one of the judges for
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This item number is not valid.
#1478353 by Not Available.


Do not think this is the only time we will read your story. No way. We like to read things more than once. Please feel free to ignore my advice. It is your story, follow your muse. Please feel free to ask any questions.

I like the title and the tag.

Her heart sank as she tugged useless on the heavy wooden door in front of her.

uselessly

I think you should use her name here too.


Terror struck her heart and turned her blood cold as she heard it.

This is a little cliche. Consider trying to say this in a new way.

“You can’t get away, so why try?” His deep and hushed voice told her. “It’ll be so much easier on you if you just relax.”

her,

Because you are saying how the person is speaking, it should be all one sentence.



“I told you, my dear, that you couldn’t escape,”

escape."


Part of me knows why you did not give her a name, but I am sure you could feel for her more if you did. Any name allows me to see her more.

As a long time fan of vampires I have read and watched more than I can say. I've penned a few and even sold a few vamp tales in my time. Do not get me wrong, I think overall this is nicely written but, I have read this many, many times. I think you need to in some way go beyond a vamp simple feeding.

I also think you may wish play up the door more. This way the ending line will have greater impact.


Thanks for the tale and have a Happy Halloween!{/b

Alice
247
247
Review of The Grimoiratti  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I love spooky tales.

I think the title is interesting; albeit a little hard to pronounce.

"N-n-no...what is it?" The boy mumbled through his tears and snot.

the boy

Then in a great booming voice, much like that of Michael Clarke Duncan, he said "I believe that skull belongs to me."

said,

"I'm sorry Eric"

Eric."



I really think the tale is rushed and unless you intend this story to be a kind of campfire/urban tall tale, it really does not work.

Now that does NOT mean I do not think there was some very good writing. Yes, in fact there was. I just got too silly for me and too much of the same old same old.


With deep regret I must rate this a three.


Alice
248
248
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

The opening paragraph of the first chapter has a formatting issue.

I do NOT think the opening paragraph reads well for the opening of a novel. To me it reads like an essay.

In 1860, a scant ten years after I arrived in this country along with an ever-increasing number of immigrants from the old country, I procured a job with the Eighth Census of the United States as a writer for the section on pianos.

Perhaps I am wrong, but I thought it should be "composer" and not "writer".


“First in importance among musical instruments… It becomes in all, from the highest to the lowest, a source of innocent and intellectual pleasure and moral improvement. It beguiles the hours of sorrow and alleviates the cares of business, while it diffuses through all classes an increasing taste for the enjoyments of the social and domestic circle, harmonized and elevated under the influence of music.”

Are quoting someone or something or is someone speaking? I really feel you should clarify this.


I love vamps and I was a music major in college. I play 5 instruments and when I played in bands or orchestras, I was usually first chair. I love all kinds of music and it is still a part of our everyday life. I so wanted this to work, but alas, I do not feel it did. To me it lacked the richness of language and details I crave when I read vampire fiction. It was just too dry. This may be nothing more than a matter of tastes. I bet you would dislike my vamp novel too.

But take heart, I love the idea of it and I far from the only person in the world. Others may very well love it. By all means follow your heart and finish the tale.


I bid you well on your journey,




Alice
249
249
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I love the sound of the title. The font of the lettering is very nice as the use of the two colors.

The picture evokes music and mystery, passion and romance. Most importantly, it invokes images in my head. I cannot almost hear the story.

Alice
250
250
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I am glad to see another horror novel being worked on. If you would like a full review of your hard work please consider entering this contest...

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This item number is not valid.
#1478465 by Not Available.


I could sure use the company.

I am sure you will pick more readers and who knows maybe even win something. I am sure that either way, you will become inspired to finish your novel.

I really like what you have done so far.


I wish you well on your writing journey.

Alice
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