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Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.
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Congratulations on the ribbon. Aren't they nice.
TItle is fine.
The tag, rate of E and genre's are fitting.
The formatting looks great.
The opening paragraph sets the story up well.
My sister, Haven, died after battling cancer two years.
" battling cancer", I pause here. I think this is something that has been said and written a million times. Here is a place you could made this more personal.
She had suffered from chemotherapy, hair-loss and a haunted, sickly feeling.
To tighten this up a bit, you could remove "had."
Haven endured the last few months as courageously as she could.
I think this is a place where you could shown instead of tell.
The day she died, I felt like I had died as well.
This might very well be true, but again, it something I have read and heard countless times. You can find away to say it and make it fresh.
As I drifted off to sleep, I remembered all the good times we ever had. The night of my first break-up, and she was there to comfort me. The time my pet hamster, Chucky, died, she took my reluctant self to the pet shop and bought me another. The week before my friend's party, she went shopping with me and waited patiently while I tried on different pairs of jeans and tank-tops, and even offered her views on each one.
The way in which this paragraph is structured, it seems that you feel breakups and death of a pet are "good times."
You could separate, like this:
As I drifted off to sleep, I remembered all the good times we ever had.
The night of my first break-up, and she was there to comfort me. The time my pet hamster, Chucky, died, she took my reluctant self to the pet shop and bought me another.
The week before my friend's party, she went shopping with me and waited patiently while I tried on different pairs of jeans and tank-tops, and even offered her views on each one.
TO THIS: I the first line, I would add a happy memory, such as sandcastles, food fight, whispering in the dark to each other.
The second, I would add: I recall when she was there for me.
The third, I would add why this was special. How she made it fun or the care and time she took.
Everywhere was blossoming like summer; Haven and I had never seen summer because we stayed in a one-season country of gloom.
Ysually blossoming has more to do with spring.
Here you have the wrong tense. "ing" shows it is happening right now, when in fact the story takes place in the past.
Everywhere blossomed like summer; Haven and I had never seen summer because we stayed in a one-season country of gloom.
Bright pink trees and leaves, brown tree barks and a flash of green everywhere.
This is not clear.
Trees with bright pink leaves surround me. Flashes of green with hues of pink were everywhere.
Something was glowing among the trees.
Something glowed
The image came to life, taking shape and proportion; it looked fairly like an angel.
life, took
Colours -- like a rainbow -- merged together, producing an exciting whirl of paints, before the process was done, and the creature stepped forward.
and produced an exited
It was Haven. She looked the same, except for that weird glowy thing around her.
Please consider:
Have: She
I would not say she looked the same. It shows us nothing and does she still look sick?
Time caught up with the moment as I ran toward her, screaming and crying at the same time.
When did time slow down or speed up before? How could it be catching up now?
"Haven!" I cried, in her arms now.
I would cut "now", it changes the tense.
It took me awhile before I could and when I did it was because dozens of questions were cramped up in my head so much so I was sure my skull had cracked.
could,
head, so much so, I
"No, of course not. I just...wondered how you could do it since.. you-you're..."
since...you
"Oh Gawd, Julia, you haven't changed one bit! I thought maybe after my funeral you'd loosen up a bit. Seriously, chill."
Why would she think she should lighter after the funeral of sister?
"But Haven! What about Mommy, and Daddy... what about ME?
me?
Do not place words in all capitalizes.
Why?" I whimpered now, softly, almost to myself.
softly; almost
Then suddenly she closed her eyes gently and whispered, "I think I have to go now," calmly.
I do not think you need: "calmly" of course she said in a clam way. She was whispering gently.
Haven was crying.
Haven cried.
I squinted at it and realised it was actually an angel -- a miniature version of it -- so tiny it could easily fit the size of my palm.
I squinted at it and realised it was actually a miniature angel, so tiny it could easily fit the size of my palm.
I think you could also cut: "so tiny it could easily fit the size of my palm." You already said it was small and did come from a pocket.
I do not feel you need "the end".
I feel this still needs some work but you did a lot of things well. This has a good and touching plot. Each character was their own.
Thank you again for entering.
Alice
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