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1
1
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

You asked for an honest review.

I like the opening paragraph.



The room was bright and cheerful, with lots of cards congratulating us on the birth of our little girl.The scent from the two big vases of beautiful flowers filled the room.

Needs a space between sentences.

Instead of saying there is a scent, try and describing it.


I grabbed a tissue from the box by my bed, and dabbed my eyes.
Deep down I knew I was being irrational. We were in this room to give us the privacy we needed. John was not cold, just out of his depth.

Formatting.

Is John in the room with you? I think this needs a little clarity.



To me my little girl was beautiful; yes she would have some problems but nothing we couldn't overcome. The real problem was her father, who couldn't accept his little girl would not be the child he had hoped for.

John was there for the birth, but the joy and happiness on his face when James and Mattie were born was not there. It was more a look of pity and sadness.

Consider flipping the order. I think this will help the flow the paragraph after these two.



"It's not just any child John it's our baby just like James, and Mattie."

"It's not just any child John, it's our baby just like James, and Mattie."




Eventually I gave in, I could understand John's fear, but knew I couldn't give up our baby
Needs a period.



We sat up till the early hours going over and over the Doctors words.
We sat up till the early hours going over and over the doctors words.



We tried to read as much as we could on the condition.I found this really helpful, but it just made John more afraid.

Needs a space between sentences.



"I love you Sal, and James and Mattie mean everything to me let's see if we can make this work."
"I love you Sal, and James and Mattie mean everything to me; let's see if we can make this work."




"We don't have a choice John, this is our baby."
THis needs to be connect to the dialog before it.



Mattie, was thrilled "So I won't be the baby anymore" he said jumping up and down.
Mattie, was thrilled. "So I won't be the baby anymore" he said jumping up and down.




"Have you thought of a name for this little lady." she asked.

"Have you thought of a name for this little lady," she asked.



We had always said if we had a daughter we would call her Ella, we both thought it sounded perfect for the cute, confident clever little one we assumed we would have
We had always said if we had a daughter we would call her Ella; we both thought it sounded perfect for the cute, confident clever little one we assumed we would have.



"Hope is a nice name, what do you think, Love?"
"Hope is a nice name; what do you think, Love?"



"Hope, yes that's fine." he said.

"Hope, yes that's fine," he said.



The door swung open, as two very excited little boys charged into the room.
"Hi mum, when are you coming home?" asked Mattie. Throwing his arms around me, almost forgetting the reason he was here.

Formatting.




"Don't be such a baby Mattie." said James.

"Don't be such a baby Mattie," said James.




"We have a new baby now and hopefully she will be able to play football better then you." he laughed.

"We have a new baby now and hopefully she will be able to play football better then you." He laughed.




He looked into the crib "Can we hold her, mum?" he asked.

He looked into the crib. "Can we hold her, mum?" he asked.




As I gave her to James, John moved forward "You have to support her head like this James" he said.

As I gave her to James, John moved forward. "You have to support her head like this James," he said.




The boys were grinning at their little sister as Mattie said "look dad, she is holding my finger, see if she will hold yours."

The boys were grinning at their little sister as Mattie said. "look Dad, she is holding my finger, see if she will hold yours."




"We thought Hope would be a nice name." I said as I looked at John.

"We thought Hope would be a nice name," I said as I looked at John.



He smiled." I think Ella, suits her more, what do you think boys"?
He smiled. "I think Ella, suits her more. What do you think boys?"




"Ella" they both shouted at once.

"Ella," they both shouted at once.




"Well, welcome to the family Ella" I said with a huge smile.

"Well, welcome to the family Ella," I said with a huge smile.


I hope these notes help.

What keeps this back is to find at least some of the places you are telling and show.

If you are unclear: http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/sh...

Mari


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2
2
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

I have no idea how I found this. I too am writing a speculative fiction novel.

Perhaps we can exchange reviews?



I think the title isn't bad. It sounds like many of today's YAs.


Though crutches are useful weapons it turns out.

You could really bring some life if you were to show us the person fighting with crutches. Also this could remind the reader of the person's name and sex, looks, and enrich their personality.


Beggars and homeless people take up every available doorway and street corner, holding out cups that I know no one will put money in.

To me this needs some rearranging... It seem like the homeless are doing the same as the beggars I and I do not think this is so.

Consider: The homeless people take up every available doorway; beggars on street corners holding out cups that I know no one will put money in.

I WILL go through every line, every word and share my thoughts. But I have no desire to do so if you not interested.

First chapter of Dragons Dreaming Open in new Window. (E)
An urban fantasy, foodie, detective novel
#986220 by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon


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3
3
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,


I hope you find this helpful.


Oh dear, you are mixing your tenses. But it is an easy fix.



At quarter of high noon, Colt Dawson’s cell door is opened and he is led out of the small jail.

door was opened

he was led out



His hands are bound behind his back, but not tightly, because there’s nothing he can do.

hands were bound

"because there's nothing he can do" doesn't make sense. Why would that be a problem? Why would he have control over how tight he was tied?



One against one hundred are not very good odds, and he has already resigned himself to his fate.
were not very
and he had already


I see you have gotten high rating on this. I won't be, but that has a lot to do with the grammar mistakes. I feel these must be addressed before anything else. If you would like me to go on, I will.


Alice
4
4
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello.


A couple of weeks after she left my son Tony moved in with his wife and baby. I couldn’t live there alone anymore. I wasn’t sleeping well at night as strange noises and door’s opening lasted all night long --- as if something lived there too, minding its own business, at night. It was as if the house was mine during the day, and “its” during the night. I would always go to my bedroom at the same time every night, take a glass of water, lock the door, and never leave. No matter what noises I heard, I’d never leave the room. No matter how long it lasted, no matter how curious I was, I would never leave. But I wanted my freedom back. Maybe, with Tony and his family, the house would become “mine” again. I had to try. The house was mine after all, wasn’t it? We’d all be one happy family.

I think this needs some rearranging.

A couple of weeks later she left. I couldn’t live there alone anymore. I wasn’t sleeping well at night as strange noises and door’s opening lasted all night long --- as if something lived there too, minding its own business, at night. It was as if the house was mine during the day, and “its” during the night. I would always go to my bedroom at the same time every night, take a glass of water, lock the door, and never leave. No matter what noises I heard, I’d never leave the room. No matter how long it lasted, no matter how curious I was, I would never leave. But I wanted my freedom back. My son Tony moved in with his wife and baby. Maybe, with Tony and his family, the house would become “mine” again. I had to try. The house was mine after all, wasn’t it? We’d all be one happy family.


I think you should say if Tony knows about what is happening in the house.


All of a sudden we heard a voice whispering… Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…!

I think this should be the start of new paragraph.

I also do not think you need "all of a sudden we heard."


Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…!

I do not think this should have an explanation point.


It didn’t make any sense at all.

I feel you should remove this.


ttfn
5
5
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello again,


Then I thought I had heard something in the room.”

IMHO: because this is a short story, I do not think you have the time to hem and haw. Consider cutting "then I thought".


I was paralyzed for a few seconds when I heard a growling sound, deep, and cavernous.

Writing something in first person perspective can be a challenge. One of them is not being repetitive. I think any time you can not start a sentence with "I" you should. Here is why I think so:

http://www.amazon.com/Vanquishing-Ghosts-Tess-Scha...

This is a best selling recent ghost novel told in the same POV and rarely does a sentence begin with "I",

--Paralysed for a few seconds, I heard


I thought it was a dog or a… wolf but somebody or something was standing behind me, breathing down at me.

I would change this "I thought it was a dog or a… wolf" to: - a dog or a wolf.

I would change "but somebody or something was standing behind me, breathing down at me. "

Someday or something


It was evil.

I would change this to

Evil.

I feel it would have more impact, become more important.
It also goes to a variety of sentence lengths, which is a good thing. It helps with pacing.


When I turned around… there was nothing but I felt that my life was at stake… yet how could this be?

I would cut "When". I would cut the ellipses and "there was" I would change the ellipses to a dash.
I would start a new after "but" And change "yet" to "but".


My own renovated house. Was it the wind? My imagination?

I would remove this. It takes away from the tension.



Definitely, something was up there but I didn’t want to believe that there was something wrong, something really supernatural in my own house.

When you "up there". It seems like you are no longer in the room, yet, you have not moved. I would remove "Up".

You need a comma before "but".

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/...



A month later, I was tearing a wall down in the living room.

I think you need to place *** before this line.

You do not need the comma.



All of a sudden, I heard stomping upstairs and doors slamming.

I would cut "All of a sudden".

Upstairs, angry stomping and doors slamming.



The more I tore the walls, the more stomping I heard.

Before this, I feel you should say that you chose to ignore it.


A big, cold hand touched my right shoulder.

Consider removing "touched" to "was". Touch is nice, and you do not want nice.

Also, you could remove "right" since it does not matter which shoulder was touched.



I paralyzed.

You already said you were paralyses once, why not use a simile?
I am sure you noted the skipped word.


I had cold sweats.

See if you can come up with something more creative and move away from the clique.



When I turned around, there was no one there.

No comma needed.


How could this be?

I would remove this.


My body felt it.

I would cut "My body" and replace it with "I".



It was then that I started believing there was something wrong with my home.

Consider replacing "believing" with "Knew".


I invited an old school friend to live with me in the house. She was out of a job and needed some time out; needed a place to live.

I think you need to say something before this, like that you did not want to live alone, but you could not walk away and you had not been hurt.



I was living alone and my friend needed a place, and a friend.

I think should remove this.


She’d help me finish the clean up the house and paint the rooms.

Use her name. You should do so as soon as you can.


It would be good for both of us but I did not say anything about noises, door latches unlocking by themselves, invisible hands on your shoulders and my unnerving, unsettling feelings about the house.

I think you need a comma after "us".


I simply couldn’t; I still thought it was all part of my imagination running wild.

I would leave as "I simple couldn't.


One night Eve was in her room watching TV. I had gone to the local grocery store. She told me that she heard the floorboards creaking outside her bedroom. She opened the door and saw a shadow walk past the hall. She was immediately nervous, as she knew that I wasn’t home. She saw me leave. She walked out of her room and peeped down the hallway. Nothing. She checked every single room --- there was nobody there. She just kind of shook it off. Maybe it was her imagination. Walking back to her room, something just stood right in front of her. It was dark and evil. She was petrified; she couldn’t move. She was enveloped by this --- black shadow of somebody or something and the mist engulfed her. Then, she heard a growling sound and the stench was horrible. She knew that there was something there she couldn’t understand. Maybe it was too difficult to understand. At this point, she knew she had to leave. She couldn’t handle that. She told me something evil lived there but I wouldn’t talk about it. I just stood there, staring into her eyes. I just couldn’t accept the idea that my house was --- haunted.

I think all of this should be dialogue.


More soon

Mari
6
6
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Lets see how far we get today...


I am big believer in groupings. You do not want your reader to have to back in their mind even for one sentence.

I opened the front door and walked inside, hesitantly.

This needs to be flipped.

Hesitatingly I opened the front door...


Sun rays were coming in through a cracked window and lit the stairs to the first floor.
Sunrays
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Sunrays

I would change "were coming " to "came".

I would drop "in".



Sun rays were coming in through a cracked window and lit the stairs to the first floor. I went up the stairs to the first floor where there were three bedrooms, and a bathroom. I heard a noise, maybe footsteps.

Let's say that the house is three stores tall. Where the living room, dinning room and kitchen are is the first floor. The stairs going up would lead to the second floor. I think the English say that the second floor is called the first floor.

http://d.lib.ncsu.edu/collections/catalog/ncar1596...






I went up the stairs to the first floor where there were three bedrooms, and a bathroom.

You say in the sentence before where the stairs go; you do not need to repeat it.

Up the stairs were three bedrooms, and a bathroom.


I heard a noise, maybe footsteps.

“Hello?”

I feel she should arm herself before going into the house.


I looked out to see if there was anything out of the ordinary.

You could remove "out" and " if there was".

I looked for anything out of the of the ordinary.



When I placed my hand on the red doorknob, the door creaked and it opened by itself, as if it was somehow half open but there was no gust of air nor wind coming from outside---or from the inside.

When I placed my hand on the red doorknob, the door creaked and it opened by itself; there was no gust of air nor wind coming from outside or in.


When I looked in, there was nothing.

You do not need the comma.


So, I breathed in deeply and put it down to just a freak accident.

I would cut "So".

I feel "freak accident" is not right here. Perhaps... The house settling.


I had no clue as to what it was and forgot about it completely.
I feel this should be removed.


I was static.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/static

I am sure you meant ecstatic.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/ecstatic


I was so happy.

I do not think you need this since you have already expressed it.


I got my camera from the bag and started recording my first steps inside my renovated house. I wanted to send it to my son.

I feel you could remove “from the bag”


When I opened the latch a gust of cold air spread in front of me like a cold fog… or was it a… hand that I felt on my face?

I feel the horror would be increased if you were to: When I opened the latch a gust of cold air spread in front of me like a cold fog. I felt a hand on my face.

Scared and curious at the same time, I really wanted to know what was up there.

I feel this would be sharper without “really”.


I recorded boxes full of old books, chairs, rusty beds, broken beds and old hats.

I think “recorded” might not be clear. Perhaps… I took pictures.



Then I thought I had heard something in the room.”

I think this should be the start of a new paragraph.


I little over a thousand more words to go.

Mari
7
7
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello again...


I called up the property manager and we set up a meeting to see the house on Black Brook Road. I was extremely excited about the possibility of owning my own home.
When I pulled up in my car the property manager was already there. We shook hands and walked around the outside. It was a really sad situation to see such a gorgeous house looking so run down. The property manager and I walked to the back of the house as I wanted to see its foundations. He opened the basement’s door and went down first. It was damp and dark but besides being dirty and full of cobwebs, everything seemed to be okay. The property manager, Mr. Baines, seemed to be in hurry, and almost never smiled. I should have read the signs on his face then but was too excited about the house.

When we entered the front door it was dirty and smelly inside. The house had three floors and the third floor was the worst one of all because some parts of the ceiling were falling down. There were dead body parts of squirrels and rodents; there were dressers and chairs, old dolls and toys. I asked him about the house and who had lived there and he told me that the records had been lost years ago, and that was all he knew about it. This was odd but I visualized what the house would look like when I finished with it. It was a magnificent house. I honestly thought to myself “This is going to be my Van Gogh no matter how long it takes me! The minimum bid was one hundred thousand dollars. And so I made the bid.

Oddly enough, the next day the property manager called me and said: “You got it! The house is yours, Ms. Abigail Gautier.

“What? What? I got it? I got it?” I couldn’t believe it.

“Yes, you did.” He confirmed.

I put almost all my money in the house, and I was completely excited about the project. As I had nothing to do and no job yet, I wanted to start cleaning up the house straight away. After all the paperwork was cleared, I moved into a small motel nearby and decided to work on the house everyday before I moved in. If I felt that it was too much work for me to do alone, I would find someone to help me or call my son, Tony, that lived in another state with his wife and baby.

I think all of this should go. It's filler and you do not need and it slows the story down A LOT. The story is what happens after it is bought not before. That is where you need to focus.


On the very first day the house belonged to me, and around 7 P.M. I was up on a step-ladder and close to the ceiling, ripping some dry, stained and stripped wall paper down.

7 p. m.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ante%20m...

stepladder
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stepladd...

close to the ceiling, ripping some dry, stained wall paper down.


I am very focused on what I am doing but I cut my left index finger.

Comma splice.http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm


I put my finger in my mouth and a taste of metal or copper enveloped my mouth.

I feel you should remove "metal or". You do not need it.


When I touched the wall again it happened.

This either needs to removed or changed. As is, it reads like your mouth fills with the taste of blood again, and I do not think that is what you meant.


A noise of someone… somebody breathing in front of me and then running right inside the walls.

I feel this would read better without "of someone".



The next day was a Saturday so as soon as I got up, I went to the house because I wanted to know if someone was in there.

I feel you should remove "so". As is it reads like you only get up because it is Saturday and that is not so.


I have to make dinner. Let me know if you want more.

Over all I think some of the fat needs to be trimmed.


Mari
8
8
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello,

I love horror stories.

TItle: The House in Black Brook Road. --- I feel this needs some attention. The house most likely not in the rood. It is mostly on the road.

Impression of opening paragraph.

You introduce the protagonist and give us the setting.

I moved to Black Brook in 1994. I think the date is not need and worse, not all that interesting. I am pretty the year has no real impact on the story.

I moved to Black Brook in 1994. It’s a really small town and far from big cities.
Consider: I moved to Black Brook, a really small town and far from big cities.


I had gone through a bad divorce and I was in the look out for a new house for me.

You need a comma. When two independent clauses are joined with a conduction, you need a comma.

divorce, and I


As I drove by this one house one day I suddenly stopped the car.

For clarity, I would make this the start of new paragraph. This is also reads a tad repetitive.

Consider: As I drove by this one house I suddenly stopped the car.


{c}It was peeling paint and trees were overgrown but even in the condition it was it looked beautiful, absolutely beautiful for me.
Consider: Peeing paint, trees were overgrown but even in the condition it was it looked beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

George Orwell: If it is possible to cut a word, always cut a word.


Yellow grass was covering the steps to the porch and twisted boards were lying on the lawn.

To make this more active: Yellow grass covered the steps to the porch and twisted boards lay on the lawn.


Noun
1.
the telling of lies, or false statements; untruthfulness: From boyhood, he has never been good at lying. Synonyms: falsehood, falsity, mendacity, prevarication. Antonyms: truth, veracity.
adjective
2.
telling or containing lies; deliberately untruthful; deceitful; false: a lying report. Synonyms: deceptive, misleading, mendacious, fallacious; sham, counterfeit. Antonyms: true, candid, actual, correct, accurate, trustworthy.



The house had dry, red bricks shining in the sunlight and big white windows but most of the windows were broken.

Dry bricks do not shine.

Over all as hook, I do not feel that it is in your opening.


I think the you have something, but it still really rough. I would be happy to give a full review, but that takes a very long time. If you would like more, please let me know.

Keep writing...


Mari
9
9
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well this sounds cool.

There was the familiar rapping of knuckles on my bedroom door, and before I could cover myself with my robe, my sister entered.

To make more active: On my bedroom door came a familiar rapping of knuckles, and before I could cover myself with my robe, my sister entered.

Consider: On my chamber door came a familiar rap of knuckles, and before an arm was placed in my robe, my sister entered.

Put her name here.





Living with father without Addie was a nightmare.

Father



My eyes shone like jade stones polished by the tide.

I like this but it seem odd that she just starts describing herself, although I know you should. I think this would feel more natural if you did so as she was dressing.



"Father is the President of S.T.E.A.M. You must make him proud, Olivia."

I like the fact that house is in disarray, but it seems odd that such a person would not have a staff. And... if they had a staff, why aren't they doing their jobs?



This simple fact- father heading the largest industrial plant in all of New Mainland- meant that I couldn't get away with a damn thing.

Father



It was an outrage, being forced to dress like the high class women and attend parties where girls couldn't be in the same room as the men, while our house was in shambles.

Consider: It was an outrage, being forced to dress like a lady and attend parties where girls couldn't be in the same room as the men, while our house was in shambles.


I think this has real promise, and I hope you carry on.

By now you know where you think my comments are help, or that I a mad round woman that go read something else. If you would like further info, please let me know.


Alice


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10
10
Review of Ghazal  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
OK,

This is a random review.

If writing is about communicating with someone, than than this is not hitting the mark. Although it feels like you have selected everything with great care.

The title. It's a kind of poem. Not really great.

I feel that "traveled" and "steerage" are close enough where you gain nothing be pairing them.

I like the second stanza, although I have no idea what it has to with exploring a trunk. But that goes for the last stanza as well. Perhaps they are snapshots?

For me this is missing something, even though the intelllagence and emotion of the writer comes through.


Alice


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11
11
Review of Joey Versus Santa  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Returning your review. This seem to your latest.

Great title.

Pretty good opening. You introduce the character, and give the seating, showing us the real world before the change. I do have something for you to think about. As you know, the opening paragraph is very important. I think your trying to easy the reader in and then get them with the third paragraph. I say, use that as your opening. It's more of a grabber.


He was thinking about what he had done this last year.
I would use his name here.


Consider adding a transformation of Santa into a krampus.

Over all a good and naughty tale.


Alice



She had that coming, didn't she?

Ah, the vivid imagination of a six year old is a wonderful thing.

Isn't it?

I feel the story would be made stronger if you were to remove these lines. Why? They put into question if he really did kill the little girl. Why would you want that?



Joey reached under his pillow and gripped the handle of the 16 inch carving knife he'd snuck out of his mother's kitchen earlier that night.

This needs a comma. Please consider: pillow, and


Downstairs, the silence was suddenly broken by the grandfather clock banging out its bells.

I don't feel you need a comma here.



He counted them on his fingers, and when he thought he'd coun ted twelve he slowly climbed out of bed.

I think you need his name here.



OK, I hope he isn't going to kill his dad.



His eyes first went to the Christmas tree, its limbs festively adorned with colorful lights and bulbs of all sizes and shapes.

Consider a small change: bulbs sizes of man

"All" means just that. Therefor it not quite the right word.


But there were no presents underneath, which meant that Santa had not yet arrived.

"But" should be used when it is demonstrating something that is the opposite. I think this would be cleaner without "but".


On the hearth was a glass of milk and a plate of chocolate chip cookies he and his Mom had made earlier in the day for their nocturnal visitor.

If you use Mom like it's her name, it's capitalized.

"Mom made me chocolate chip cookies."

If you use mom like you're telling her relationship to you, DON'T capitalize.

"My mom is brilliant."


Of course there was no fire, which just strengthened his belief that Santa did indeed have weaknesses.

I think this could be stronger without "just".


If he was vulnerable to fire, then he most likely would be vulnerable to a severed jugular vein.

he were vulnerable


Taking the plate of cookies, Joey climbed into his Pop's overstuffed recliner and waited for the bearded intruder to make his appearance.

pop's



There was only five left.

were


He wasn't as jolly as he knew should have been.

he knew he should


Joey was sound asleep in his Pop's chair, his innocent young mind dreaming of the inevitable confrontation he and this purported 'St.' Nick would soon have.

pop's


But from the corner of his eye he could also see the well-honed blade on the table beside his Pop's chair.

I recommend cutting "but" and changing "pop's".


"Is that cookie for me?" he asked, gesturing the pistol torward Joey's lap.

Opps: toward


Come get the cookie, Just a little bit closer, a little bit closer...

just


When Joey regained consciousness, he heard voices-strange high pitched voices.

high-pited


They seemed to be everywhere, and when he opened his eyes he saw that he was surrounded by a small crowd of dwarfs dressed in red and green vesture.

They seemed to be everywhere, and when he opened his eyes he saw that a small crowd of dwarfs dressed in red and green vesture surrounded him.


Bernard, that's the name of the held elf in that Tim Allen movie.


Later that night as he laid in his bed, Joey felt one of his teeth coming loose.

lay
12
12
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello,

I love fantasy. Here is some heartfelt advice. If others had never shared with me, I'd never had been published.



In the world of fantasy, where the lands are ruled by kings and years are counted not by days but by the cycle of the seasons, there lives a little boy.

Here, I would remove the "the" and change it "a". The reason for the change is one means "any" and one means, well, "one" in which your story takes place in.


Your opening paragraph:

The first line isn't really needed. You read all of your info right afterwords.

I think that overall your open paragraph does a lot of what it should, it introduces the main character, shows something of the world, gives the tone of the story to come. All good things.


One day an innocent, pudgy little girl with dark eyes and dark hair asked him to show her his eyes. /b}

girl, with {separating part of the list)

hair, asked {separating action from description)



Zahilla really liked her, so he complied.

Does he normally hide his eyes? Not easy to do.


The little girl gasped when she saw his eyes and the soldier shifted into a blue bird and flew away.

eye, and (what follows the conjunction is an independent clause and therefore requires a comma.)



“Zahilla, Get in this house now!” The shrill voice of Mrs. Nox made Zahilla duck as if her very words could strike him.

He smiled at the girl, as if to say, “I will see you tomorrow.”, and ran toward the house.

“Zahilla, Get in this house now!”

The shrill voice of Mrs. Nox made Zahilla duck as if her very words could strike him. He smiled at the girl, as if to say, “I will see you tomorrow.”, and ran toward the house.

tomorrow,"


As Zahilla rushed across the small yard he noticed that Mrs. Nox's normally relaxed round face boiled red with rage and her royal blue eyes seemed to pop out of her head.

I feel this would read better as: Zahilla rushed across the small yard. Mrs. Nox's normally relaxed round face boiled red with rage and her royal blue eyes seemed to pop out of her head.

face, boiled

rage, and


She is really mad at me. He thought.

me, he thought.


“Get in here right now!” She commanded a little quieter, as he scurried past her.

now!” she


“Look at me.” She said much quieter, but still clearly angry.

me," she

http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercise...


Then a terrifying thought crossed his mind.

It seems a little odd that we know many of thoughts, but not this.


I could go, but I have no idea of you think I am full of crap, or if you are ever going to touch this again. If you want more let me know. So for the low rating, a lot of that is grammar and the inconsistent tone of the writing.

I feel it could be good, but there are lot things that need attention. Hence the low rating. I do change them when things improve.


A.
13
13
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

I read a lot, I write, my short stories have been published, I've take course on lit, editing, and writing. I tend to not give glowing reviews. I think my reviews are honest and helpful.

I have to say you have the epic thing down. To me, it's a little too down. I'd like see it turned down just a bit. Nothing major. What I would like to you do is use some names. This would tone it down, give the reader a little more connection. You don't name HE, but the protagonist and the child should have names.

That said this part doesn't last very long. BUT, readers, and editors tend to give something such a short chance that is worth considering.


Everything’s in place, everyone knows what they have to do, so all that’s left is to start the ball rolling.

Comma splice.

do; so


One creature – a large raven with feathers so black they shone blue when the light struck them – cawed an insult down at the Two-Legs from his perch in a tree well over the intruder’s head.

I remove "them".


The raven cawed in surprise and nearly fell from its branch, then it took to the air and flew away cawing the news that the intruder wasn’t a normal Two-Legs.

Real ravens have a language. Honest, look it up. We live near an unkindness. And I read up the bird. My point is, "caw" should be changed to something else and can since the bird makes a wide range of sounds.

No, the only way they would know that he wasn’t a normal Human – or even a normal Mage – would be if they watched him use magic and knew enough about the art to see that his spellcasting was distinctly different from a Mage’s.
If that happened, and they realized what he really was . . . well, it was hard to say how they would react. A few thousand years ago they probably would have run screaming, and likely returned with a mob hungry for blood. Today, however, that was less likely (though not impossible). While it was almost certain that they would be frightened, they would probably also be curious – after all, the EleMage were supposed to have died out nearly ten thousand years before.

That’s what Humans thought, anyway; and on the whole it was easier and safer for them to continue thinking that, rather than trying to explain that the EleMagi their ancestors had feared so much had actually been living amongst them disguised as normal Magi for all that time. The time would come when EleMagi would be able to openly walk the world again, but A`lanon didn’t expect that to be in his lifetime.


I'd remove this. Why? It's telling and it's and info dump. I think it would be much stronger show how he is different a little later on. This would give him more depth and show one kind of character growth.


A squirrel dashed out onto a branch over the path and sat up, staring that the EleMage – or Apprentice EleMage, technically, not that the squirrel would know or care about the difference.

If you do cut it, you will have to also remove "he EleMage – or Apprentice EleMage, technically,".


“Go that way, then head east on the first path you come to.” The older EleMage had said, and then he’d slammed the door in his Apprentice’s face before he could even ask what the Netherworld was going on. After nearly a minute of banging on the door and shouting had failed to yield so much as a bout of swearing from his master, A`lanon had been forced to turn his back on his home and head northeast as he’d been told. Kestranon was notoriously stubborn, and if he’d decided that he wasn’t going to acknowledge his apprentice until said youngster had done as he was told, than nothing in the world would make the old geezer change his mind.

Here is stead of rushing through, I'd like to see you go back in are flesh this out.


It had taken A`lanon the better part of two hours to find the path – though it was really more of a game trail with delusions of grandeur – and then another hour and a half had been wasted stumbling and ducking and swearing his way along the disused track, and for all that he still had no idea why Kestranon had sent him out here.

I love details, but telling a length of time is okay, but show us his journey would be better.



“Mother, A`lanon.” He said to himself. “Don’t start jumping at shadows, now.”

A'lanon," he said to himself, "don't


“Talking to yourself isn’t such a great habit to get into, either.” The tree said.

either," the


This time A`lanon really did jump, but then he noticed how a cluster of knots in the tree’s bark looked a lot like a Human face sporting a thick walrus mustache . . . in fact it looked a lot like one mustached face in particular.

A`lanon smiled.

Great.



“Oh, I know that, Master.” He said

Master," he



In the interest of time, A`lanon decided to be the bigger man and not deliver an ego-crushing comeback . . . besides, he couldn’t think of one.

Great.

Here's an idea. Remove everything and start the novel where he is talking to the tree. This is where the story really takes off. If you do, some of what you wrote before could be tucked in.



Kestranon continued.

“Now, before you go getting all excited,

Kestranon continued:“Now, before you go getting all excited,


You need to read this: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/how-to-write-...


“To create your Crystal you will need seven items, one for each of the seven Elements. For Fire you will need a scale of a Royal Salamander, for Water you will need a mermaid’s tear, for Earth you will need a diamond, for Air you will need a Roc’s feather, for Light you will need a hair from a Unicorn’s tail, for Darkness you will need the pollen of a New Moon Dreamblossom, and for Life you will need the first leaf of a new oak tree.

Info dump.

Why wouldn't he know this? He would. You're saying all of this because we need an the info. And if he didn't known, that's a long list to recall, which might make for something interesting conflict.


Okay, so I could go on... but I have a life, you have a life, I should be writing, editing my own work. Anyway, if you want more, let me know.

I think this has real promise and hope you write on this more.

Alice
14
14
Review of The Lost Compass  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello again,

Let's get started.



The rain drop hit Dave’s face.

I feel "The" is the wrong choice. I would go with "A". Whereas, "the rain" would be fine.

Also: raindrop


The sky had grown dark and the clouds loomed gloomily overhead.

Most pro-writers avoid adverbs. This will have more personality and more impact if you were to rework the adverb out.


However, he did not think to bring an umbrella or a coat that had a hood.

Remove "However". It weakens it. Why? We assume he must not have known about the rain, but that one word means he did. This makes him silly.

Dave lifted his briefcase higher and tried to cover his eyes from the rain.

Why was he hold it high to begin with?

Consider: Dave lifted his briefcase above is head and tried to cover his eyes from the rain.

Everyone was calmly walking down the street. Those who were unlucky like himself were running for cover.

These do not work because they contradict each other.

The hand sign wasn’t working.

I think this would work better if you were to: The hand signals weren't working.

There was a buzz from his pocket. Dave reached in to pull out a cell phone. It was ringing a familiar tone specified to family.

I would remove the middle sentence here. You do not need it.


“Alice’s Curiosity Shop. Open.” Dave read.

This should be flipped.

Dave read:

The wet man attempted to turn the handle but it simply wouldn’t budge.

handle, but

At that moment, the metal turned hot and the door opened with a loud bell ring.

Wrong tense: rung.

The table was as ancient as the shelves and other tables in the store.

Passive: An ancient table, as were all of the other

Some of them were new to even him, a sci-fi geek himself.

Nope, this doesn't work . Maybe: Some of the things for sale looked sci-fi, which he recognized, others he did not.


“Hi.” Dave responded.

"Hi,"


The lady pressed something on a black antique cash register. “Of course, not.” she said. Her knees and back cracked as she slowly made her way to a door in the back.
“You can have a look around. Maybe you will find some items interesting.”


The lady pressed something on a black antique cash register. “Of course, not.” she said. Her knees and back cracked as she slowly made her way to a door in the back.

“You can have a look around. Maybe you will find some items interesting.”

“Of course, not.” she said.

“Of course not,” she said.


Was it some kind of sadistic joke?

I think "sadistic" is the wrong choice. Maybe "sick".

this was a prototype, imagine what the next model would look like; or the ones afterwards!

like or

Better yet, what the possibilities would be with this invention were to be at people’s disposal?!

This needs clarity.

Dave fought the urge to continue playing with the gadget but he reminded himself that he was here for only a short amount of time.

gadget, but

He pondered this as he removed the helmet.

Helmet, what helmet? I thought he was wearing it. He isn't; see if you can make this little clearer.


“Crap!” he said, bringing the helmet down hard on the table. “Just when I thought-“
A loud crashing noise rang throughout the shop. Dave looked down. The helmet had caused a metal object to fall on the floor.

FOrmatting.

“Children these days.” She mumbled as she walked back to her spot behind the counter.

days," she


Memories came flooding back to him. The memory of the first time his grandfather had given this to him on his eighteenth birthday. The day before his parents and family told him that he couldn’t go to New York University. He was so conflicted that he never thought to open it, and so aggravated at his family that he threw the gift into a creek.
With the long lost object in his hand, Dave regretted throwing it. It was the last gift from his beloved grandfather. He should at least open it.

FOrmatting

The golden needles shined as they spun, trying to find North.

north

No matter, at least he had found it.

I would remove this. It undermines what came before.

She lady shook her head, still petting the cat.

Opps.


“Impossible.” She said simply.

"Impossible," she

“The rules state that I can’t sell two items at the same time to the same person,”

person."

“but they also state” she continued.”

"But

state," she


The shopkeeper smiled brightly. “Don’t worry about it.” She told him.
That was when Dave noticed her eyes. They were grayish-blue. He got a sense of not just age but wisdom. She has lived for so long and seen so much. Wisdom is not by age but what you learned from your hardships. What she yelled at him suddenly made sense. She somehow knew that this belonged to him and wanted him to buy the compass all along.

Formatting.

“Thank you.” Dave said with his whole heart.

you,"

“You're very welcome.” She glanced out the shop window. “The rain has stopped.”
Dave looked with her. It was sunny. He swore it was pouring a second ago. “That’s weird. Was it even supposed to rain today?” he asked her.

FOrmatting

I won’t get lost, trust me.

lost;


“Oh…. Okay, then. See you when you get home.”

"Oh...

I think the start of the story felt a little long, but I know you were setting-up to show the change in him later.

I love that you had him pick from two things and there was a SF slant to the story.

I would change the title. Why? It gives too much of the story away.

Again, my rating reflects the errors in the story.

I will read everything after the contest closes again. Thanks for the tale.


Alice
15
15
Review of Lost and Found  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello,

I will read everything again after the contest closes.

“The first day of high school is never easy.” People have always told me this but I didn’t understand what that meant until now.

I think the use of a qualifier weakens your opening paragraph, as they do most things.

Consider: “The first day of high school is never easy.” People have told me this but I didn’t understand what that meant until now.

Why I think this works better is that I doubt when the person was two they were telling them this. I doubt they were told this when they were ten and so forth.


The halls of the school were dark as I wandered through them.

Why was it dark? Were they going to night school? This doesn't ring true for me.


Still, I had completely no idea where I was going.

"Still" implies they person has been there before. If they have not than the word should be removed.


“Where was that darn, cafeteria?”

No comma needed.


The walls seemed to becoming longer and smaller.

too


“Hey.” I said, trying to keep my composure.

"Hey," I


“Wow.” I muttered in frustration.

"Wow," I



“Sure.” I managed to answer.

"Sure," I


The group walked past me and I took a place behind them.

me, and

I didn't know the sex of person for most of the story. The trouble is most folks will project their own sex until told otherwise. This will cause some of your readers to change the picture in their head, and you don't want that.

Overall I think this is will written. So why the low rating? Because of the errors I listed. If you change them, let me know and I will change my rating.

Well It appears this was not an entry for the contest. It must be the other one.

I hope you found the comments helpful, and if you have any questions, please ask.

Alice
16
16
Review of The Angel Portal  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
One day as Julie was shopping for the sheer joy of finding a bargain she stumbled across a trendy little shop.

bargain, she



As she walked through the doors the first things, she noticed was the huge gray and black tabby cat that prowled near the counter of the shop where the elfish looking shopkeeper in her over-sized T-shirt and fitted capris, leaned over a large book.


things, she noticed (No comma here.)

shop, where

capris, leaned (no comma)



She passed several items as her attention was captured by a beautiful angel doll in a glass curio case.

She passed several items as a beautiful angel doll in a glass curio case captured her attention.



She rubbed the top of the cats head at her side.

cat's



“That is an angelic sacrifice. The angel inside cannot be removed without something else taking its place. It holds the horrors of another world at bay.”

Great idea!



Alice smiled and Jaz perched on a chair nearby.

smiled, and


Alice set a bowl of cream from the tray in front of the cat and he proceeded to leisurely lap at the cream as if sitting at the table lapping up cream was an everyday occurrence.

People sit. Objects lay.

Because what comes after the conjunction is an independent clause it should have comma before it.

cat, and

Some of this you don't need: A bowl of cream was placed in front of the cat, and he proceeded to leisurely lap at the cream as if were an everyday occurrence.


Sometimes you capitalized "Angle" and other times you do not.


Julie opened the curio, replaced the angel with the white heart pillow, and swiftly closed the case.

This should be the start of a new paragraph.

No comma needed after "pillow".


The angel disappeared and Julie looked around as if she woke from a dream.

The Angle disappeared, and


Alice arrived back with the Latte and more cakes.

latte


Julie blinked, she did not remember going into the dress shop.

blinked; she


Consider revamping the sentences that start with pronouns. It slows down the prose.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Red-Garden-Alice-Hoffman...

This could be improved the addition of sensory details.

I will read everything again after the contest ends. Thanks so much!

Note: The rating reflects the errors.

Alice
17
17
Review of A Conversation  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hello,

Happy Birthday.

This must be a dialog only.

Grammar, spelling and formatting are great. Good job.

“If you were capable of explaining to a burning fire who I am, then you’d know the answers.

I am not sure what you mean by this.

“ What is the secret of secrets?”

What the heck does that mean? If so secret and no one knows about it, than does really matter?


“There are 9 divine sparkles of light in your eternal existence. The first one comes when you are 2,000 days old.

WOW, where did you come up with that one? Why not a doze dead mice, or million days young? That has no more truth in those worlds than mine. All you are saying pretty claptrap is opportunist are all around.

“Men spend their time searching for something that has never been lost.

OK, so all men, everywhere do this. RIGHT.

When you look at a butterfly on a flowery tree does it know that I am the branch that supports it?”

This one doesn’t work, since there is no way the person speaking is a flowery tree. {


“From the tiniest grain of sand in the deserts to the smallest seahorse in the oceans; from the tallest mountain in the continent to the largest rain forest on Earth, nothing happens without my knowledge.”

Are you implying that who she was talking to was God? If so most of that is just plain silly, since if God was talking to me whatever they said the first time, would be good enough.



Invisible, unbelievable doors will open.

If you can't see them, then matter less. I think this would be stronger without the use of "invisible".



All you are saying one of you in special, and have faith in mystical things that need no proof, even though they want it.

As you might have guess this doesn’t work for me. I think spirituality is great, but for me this goes off into Disneyland.

To me you are to be fancy, and girly and say great profound things, that could be stated with greater clarity.

I the other person seems a little better, but I don’t buy it. I am sure it’s a band aide and there will other such conversation.

I am sure you wont do this, but I would simplify this, and make not about of the whoo-dooo-voo-doo but about two friends and about their love and support.
And frankly what she was so upset about did not seem to matter, and it should of. What seemed to matter were saying from posters.

To me you need to find a real person and find the heart and then this will really shine.

Alice
18
18
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Pretty good.

Is Coulee Dam the town and the Washington the state? If so you place a comma between them.

Is the time of year why it is so hot, or is it that way most of the year?

Lake Roosevelt High School sits in the middle of the small town of Coulee Dam Washington.

Inanimate objects CANNOT SIT, they can stand or lay.


Lake Roosevelt High School sits in the middle of the small town of Coulee Dam Washington. Although it is a small school, it is the biggest building on the west side of the river.

The air is parched and hot. Across the street from the school is a row of small, one- story houses. Some of the yards are green and well kept but many have gone to seed. One of the neglected yards sports brown and withered grass, but in the others there is only bunchgrass and dirt. The sun is too fierce for all but the most pampered lawns.

Consider these changes:


The air is parched and hot. Across the street from Lake Roosevelt High School is a row of small, one- story houses. The sun is too fierce for all but the most pampered lawns. Some of the yards are green and well kept but many have gone to seed. One of the neglected yards sports brown and withered grass, but in the others there is only bunchgrass and dirt.

The high school stands in the middle of the small town of Coulee Dam, Washington. Although it is a small school, it is the biggest building on the west side of the river.

This way when you get to the school, you stay there.


The halls are thoroughly cleaned every evening but fine dust travels into the school on the wind, and on the soles of every student who enters.

The comma is missed placed.

The halls are thoroughly cleaned every evening, but fine dust travels into the school on the wind and on the soles of every student who enters.

If this is a a central part of the story, than you may wish to include about how many students, something of architecture, grounds, library, school office, and gym.


Good luck with your novel.

Alice
19
19
Review of The Search  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Brom,

I am kind of picky. I take my writing serious and I review looking to improve what I review. Nothing is personal.

The title fits the work, but it is not very distinctive.

The tag is good. Nicely informative.

The formatting needs attention.

In the kingdom of Pyrithia , ages ago, there lived a civilization that thrived with the the teaching of mystic philosophers who issued all moral, art, religion and law.

Pyrithia,

all of the morals, arts and religion and laws.

There must be more than one moral, etc.


Many people searched for it but its form remained obscure and none knew the general place it resided.

You could tighten this up some. Please consider: Many searched, but its form remained obscure, and none knew the place it resided.

Even if you don't do the cut, you need a comma after "obscure" because what follows the conjunction is an independent clause.


Rummers spoke of it being in many corners of the kingdom, but in the royal castle of Pyrithia a wise, secretive scribe named Varius was on the verge of identifying the province the enchanted object laid.

Pyrithia, a wise secretive scribe named Varius,



From books. scrolls, and ancient tablets that he had gathered out of foreign lands from expeditions that he covertly went on, Varius was certain of its whereabouts.

books,

Please consider a small change of "out of" to "from."


It said the object existed "in the Nether realm of Pyrithia."

It said, "The object exists in the Nether Realm of Pyrthia."



Without a doubt he believed it spoke of the ancient caves deep beneath the Northern forest.

It is either "Northern Forest." or "northern forest."


With haste he prepared his horse with ample victuals and left the castle for the forest and to the entrance to the caves.

I think you need to use his name here. It would make it a little clear who is doing what.


"After all these years myriads of people have sought the talisman.

I love the word "talisman" but because you made it clear that no one had a clue to what it is, you can say it is now this without reason.


Now the blessings of it's power will be endowed to me,"he said. {?b}

Here, it should "its." When you have it "it's" it is always a contraction.

its

me," he



I must be careful to follow the way that is spoken of in the Tablet of Fire that I found in the dessert just North of Pyrithia," Varius thought.


I think you mean: that it is spoken?



I must be careful to follow the way that is spoken of in the Tablet of Fire that I found in the dessert just North of Pyrithia," Varius thought.

north

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=100601...



The trail that began at the opening of the grove led downward till it revealed a cave mouth with vines hanging over it.

Consider: The trail that began at the opening of the grove led downward and revealed a cave mouth with vines hanging over it.



He lit a torch and steered his horse into it but the horse struggled with his it's rider against entering the ominous cave.

Consider: He lit a torch and steered his horse into the dark opening of the ominous, but the horse struggled

its


The horse neighed and bucked it's head refusing to go in.

its

Bucking: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bucking


"Its just a cave! Why won't you go in? Great. I just happen to pick a horse that's afraid of the dark."

This sounds really modern and feels off.

"It's

Great, I



Then Varius thought to himself. Maybe its not the dark you're afraid of.

himself, Maybe it's


Why would you be afraid of the dark when countless times you've carried soldiers into war when its pitch black at night in the plains?

it's

You should consider removing " at night." Of course it night; it's dark.


The writing is fairly good, but there are so many tiny mistakes, that if holds it back, and the ending was a tad predictable. There are more than I listed.


A.









20
20
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

I am reading for the groups contest.

Title: I think it should read "Somethings" and not "Something's."

Formatting looks spot on.

Opening paragraph: You introduce the main character, give us a setting, the tone is good, and give us a sense of story to come.
I think you should establish conflict there if you can. The hook is a little on the light side. And this clearly a fantasy and you use description. Over all, good.


This is a first person attached point of view so you do need to use the pronoun "I" as much as you head. Look at Jim Butcher's, Dresden books, they are the same POV, but rarely use the "I" pronoun. Plus it will help you remove the passive voice

I struggled to utter a spell while the wind tore my breath away.

The wind tore my breath away as I struggled to utter a spell.


I was flung into suddenly grey clouds up a funnel of blinding winds>

Many great writers go out of their way to avoid using adverbs. Doing so will almost always make the writing more descriptive and often give it more action.

A funnel of blinding winds flung


I wanted to scream as the swirling maelstrom carried me away from the forest through a sky gone nearly black.

You never say why you don't scream, making this weak.

The swirling maelstrom carried me away from the forest through a sky gone nearly black.


The torrent dropped me toward the spires, jagged rocks near a tumbled down castle.

spires of jagged

The torrent dropped me toward the spires, near the jagged rocks of a tumbled down castle.


An angry red glowing dragon roared in words I desperately did not want to hear. “What’s this?!”

This could be made a little clearer: A glowing red dragon roared in words I desperately did not want to hear. “What’s this?!”

It is red because it is angry? Is it glowing because it is red or because it angry? Instead show how he feels.

Also this would a good place to really add some distinctive writing.

I am not sure why the dragon is angry? This needs greater motivation. You should do this by having the dragon point at the castle.


The castle rebuilt stone by stone.

I like to have seen you do more with this.


Overall, good plot and the over all tone of the story is good as well. With some more work, I feel this could be publishable.


Alice
21
21
Review of LOVE BITE  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to Wdc. I hope you come to love it.

I stopped at Hero. Why? I was confused. I felt like you were trying for art and not trying to tell a story with truth in it. This too can be art.

Simplify to clarify.

Writing is hard. We can only improve by reading tons, reviewing and writing tons as well.

Try and write something simple. If you do, tell me and I will happy to read it and give you a full review.

Alice
22
22
Review of I Walk Among You  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello,

You asked for a port raid. Saw something fresh in your port and I thought I would give a read. You asked for a port raid.

I don't care for the title. I feel it is too reminiscent of an old movie.

Not sure if you have written this with an eye toward publication or what. I write for publication, and this feels as you do too.

I love vampires and they are a poplar but a tough sell. When read a lot guidelines and read slush piles, a couple of things makes this hard to sell: it's about vampires feeding and how yummy people smell. The second feels too familiar, like Twilight-ish.

If a vampire were to drain someone, which to take their life is about 40%, the human holds around five quarts, which is generally more than a stomach could hold.

My belly is full of her life energy pulsing around inside me.

When you say the life energy is in the belly but is pulsing around them, this seems to contradict itself.




As you know, an opening paragraph has to do many things: introduce the reader to the main character, give us the tone of the story, a setting, and a hook.

I feel your could use some retooling. Please consider:


I sniff the air and catch a whiff of all the delicious scents: strawberries, chocolate, lime, mint, toffee, banana, treacle, hot bread and gingerbread. My mouth waters.

And that's all.



I’m at my house on the outskirts of the city in moments. The house is old, run-down and edging towards shabby. The kind of place humans pass every day and never give a second glance. That's the way it has to be. I couldn't survive if humans came knocking on my door every time a body turned up. The house has been in my family line for centuries. I crawl into bed and sleep for many hours while the sun shines in the city and the body in the alley is discovered.

This has been done a lot.

Here's an idea to replace this. Just a quite house. Since your story can take place in Canada, USA or somewhere similar, have then not live there for centuries, have them live there because the coroner is poorly funded and bad at his job.



I feel you are a solid writer. There is a lot of great stuff here, BUT there are some things that have to be removed or toned down to allow them shine.


I would love to go on, but, I have no idea if you feel I am nuts, or at least somewhat helpful. If you want me to carry on, let me know.

Alice
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Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Thank for entering my contest, A Flicker of Madness.

It was a quiet dark night when suddenly the neighbors were awakened by loud screams from the house next door.

quiet, dark

I think this would be stronger without "suddenly".



When the police arrived they saw fifteen year old Sara in a pool of blood screaming and rocking her doll.

fifteen-year-old

This should be the start of another paragraph.


She was unresponsive and would not talk to the police the only thing she said was were going to get you and rocked the doll quietly.

police. The

she said was, "Were going to get you," and



The guard came to make sure Sara went to sleep and when he left he forgot to lock the door.

This is the start of another paragraph.



She went to the kitchen because she felt hungry.

I think you should flip this.

She felt hunger...



Later the guard came to give Sara her breakfast.

I think it would be a different guard.


He saw Sara’s doll and tells her she cant have it.

and told her she couldn't


She screamed and said I will get my doll you all will die

This should be on its own.

said, "I will get my doll. You will die. "


When the nurse sat her tray of needles down Sara grabbed two needles stabbing the nurse.

down, Sara



She plugged up the blender and grabbed a knife.

Why would she do that to the blender.

Oh you mean "plugged in the blender."


when she took his hand out his fingers where cut off his arm had chunks of meat gone and it looked gruesome.

When

I liked the since of glee and madness.


I hope you found these notes helpful, and please enter again.

Alice
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Review of Coal Black  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I am lending a hand with the Gender Bender contest. Here are my thoughts.

Love the title.



Once upon a time there lived a handsome King.

king.


He enjoyed standing beside a high tower window looking out over his Kingdom.

kingdom.


He loved winter, and today was an especially beautiful winter day, with crisp white snow under a brilliant blue sky.

You don't need "and today was an especially beautiful winter day." You are restating yourself.

He loved winter, crisp white snow under a brilliant blue sky.


Winter turned to spring and spring to summer and the Queen gave birth to a boy.

I think this would stronger if you were to make this into to two sentences.

Winter turned to spring and spring to summer. The Queen gave birth to a boy.


When he told the Queen about his wish, she smiled,

smiled.


From a travelling Wise Woman he bought a magic scarf which hid his face, all but his eyes.

travelling

scarf, which


I am glad you made the dwarfs females.




She knocked timidly and when Coal Black opened the door she spoke. “Won’t you look through my wares?

spoke,


She smiled sadly, “There is a way to save him, but the cost is dear.”

sadly.


You did a good spin off of a classic fairy tale. I think the ending was a little rushed.

Hope to see you in the next round.



Alice






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Review of A Frozen Winter  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I saw the listed for the dyslexic review.

Here is what I would recommend.


The chills I feel inside wear down my bones,

The chills inside wear down my bones,


The blood that once ran warm has ceased to flow.

Blood that once ran warm has ceased to flow.


My soul has made my body icy stones;

Passive.

My soul made my body icy stones;

or

My soul made my body into icy stones;


The winters croaking jaw brings sleet and snow.

Winters croaking jaw brings sleet and snow

(Love jaw)



The grip it holds me with won’t let me free,

"it" is a weak word. Anytime you can remove, you should.

The grip holds me with won’t let me free,

"With" seems wrong.

The grip holds me and won't let me free



It's bearing icy claws into my skin.

Bearing icy claws into my skin


I feel compressed by life’s monotony

I feel this would be stronger if you were to remove: I feel

Compressed by life's monotony


And fear the warmth will never let me in.

Perfect.


Instead, I cleanse my body and my soul

By using "instead" you mean "in place of", I feel this confusing. Why would and act replace an emotion. It could change it.



So baptism can instigate my youth.

"So" can weak your prose.

Baptism instigate youth

This is stronger.



Rebirthing and purifying makes us whole.

Through out this it is personal and now it isn't.

Rebirthing and purifying makes me whole.


The rite of spring brings sacramental truth

Perfect.



The spring ha come to warm my frosty limbs

Fine.



But now the winter’s charms I come to miss.

Interesting.



Good imagery and emotion.

I think we often feel trapped, cold and alone. We want change, and when we get it, we miss what we knew. This why we repeat bad habits. Well, that is what your poem says to me.

Poetry is akin to art. You look at a painting, and you want it be lovely and personal, but good art evokes something from those viewing it. Or at least it should.


Alice
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