Overall Impression:
Your title fits well.
Your rhymes are good.
I like the line about the space in her heart growing, it sets the
mood of your poem well
Suggestions:
Add some genres.
I think you need to clean this up a bit and focus on the flow.
One thing to help with the flow is I think you could cut some of your commas
Also read your poetry aloud to check the read/flow of your poem.
Your poem left me with some questions;
This awakening of the child/birth...is it about finding herself or does she have a child or....
Your part about the bell, kind of throws me off.
She press forward, her years not old;
try;
She presses forward her years not old;
But inside her heart, a space groes cold
try;
Inside her heart a space grows cold
Keep writing!
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My Overall impression:
Your rating and genres are good.
Your descrptions are great through-out.
You capture the beauty and the life of a flower very well.
Your words flow easily as you show your readers this flower.
Suggestions/Errors:
but as her hair is goes her hopes wither.
(This line doesn't make sense, maybe cut is.)
I think I would change this from short story to prose.
Your words are poetic and this flows more like a poem.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Overall Impression:
I like your thoughts and feelings on wanting a real love.
I think most will identify with your thoughts.
Your rating, title and genres are good.
Suggestions:
Jus for the simple thought of
Someone to hold me when thangs aint rite
try;
Just for the simple thought of
Someone to hold me when things aren't right
line 4 nite - I'd change to night.
I'd change all the slang to the proper words; it will make the reader take your poem more serious.
I think with a little cleaning you will have a great poem.
Keep writing!
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Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I like the subject of your poem.
Your title and rating is good.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Add some genres to your item; maybe personal,experience, death etc.
Watch your use of filler words and your repitition of words.
(like the, and etc; )
You use you over 10 times and you use You're a lot. I would work changing that.
Overall Impression:
I like the subject of your poem.
You show this desolate girl very well, setting the emotion for your poem.
I like that you end this on a positive note.
Suggestions:
You lose me with the man and the radio.
I like that you show someone coming to save her....but that is very confusing.
Maybe expand on who this angel is.
Your rating could be 13+ instead of 18+.
I suggest a more unique title, one that will draw your readers in.
suggestions from your poem:
A Desolate Heart
Verge of Ending
An Angel Comes
Keep writing!
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My Overall impression:
I enjoyed your story very much.
It is well written, I did not notice any typos or errors.
Your main character is very likable.
Your imagery is good, I could see him standing at the end!
Your opening para is strong and makes your readers want more!
I enjoyed the lesson in this and that He finds his harmony in the end.
Great job.
Suggestions/Errors:
I would space after all dialogue, it makes it easier for your readers.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genres are appropriate.
I like the repitition that you use in your poem.
Your ending is very strong/dramatic!
Suggestions/Errors:
There is no greater gift been given me than the gift of you
(This line is awkward.)
try:
There is no greater gift been given to me than the gift of you
To go with the rest of your poem, I would not have There capitalized.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your story flows well.
Your descriptions are good through-out.
I like the main character and you show him to be a strong/caring leader.
Suggestions/Errors:
The red eyed on leapt forward to make his own kill
typo on = one
I would add another genre to this, they help to get your story exposure.
Your title fits but is used often, maybe another one that will draw your readers in.
suggestions from your story:
Blood and Chaos
Angels Among Wreckage
Empty Shells
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I really like your poem and how you choose to show the insignificance
of this peron in this family.
I like how you go through the family linage with the photos on the wall.
Very creative way to do this.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
I was left with a couple of questions.
Who is this person and what part is she supposed to be in this family.
Maybe expand a bit more and tell/show your readers who this is.
Overall Impression:
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
Anyone who has an ex will identify with these words/thoughts.
My favorite lines:
'Whispers of the past cannot help but fool my ears
Visions of you in my mind are still so clear'
Well-said!
Suggestions:
Honey, I miss you morethan words can express
(space between more and than)
Someone tell what I gotta do
(add me after tell)
Something tells me we should not throw this away
Do not throw it away just because of a single mistake
(I'd cut the repeat here;
Something tells me we should not throw this away
just because of a single mistake
Keep writing!
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Overall Impression:
Your rating, title and genres are good.
You express well your feelings for the one you still love.
I like your last stanza and the repittion of It is still...very strong way to end this.
Suggestions:
Pictures of you in my head they won’t fade
try;
Pictures of you in my head won’t fade
Could this feelings for you in anyway could be suppressed
(cut the second could)
It is you the person who made me believe in forever
(I think this would sound and flow better without the person;
It is you who made me believe in forever)
Keep writing!
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Overall Impression:
I love your title for this.
You have a great start but I think you need to expand on this.
Show us more on your feelings and more on this relationship.
Suggestions:
You have some typos and this needs a little cleaning.
Maybe try putting this in stanzas, it will make it read smoother..this feels kind of chaotic.
EX;
It started with,he loved me and i didn't realy care for him'than it turned too
try
It started with,
he loved me but
i didn't really care for him
then it turned to
Keep writing!
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Welcome to the site.
Enjoy your time here, there is lots to do!
Your rating, title and genres are good.
You could add one more genre~maybe personal.
They help to get your items exposure.
You express yourself well.
I'd like to know more about what you are writing on.
Maybe expand more on what your parent has kept from you and more
on how it makes you feel.
Line 3 is a cliche, I'd reword that or change it to make it more your own.
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
I think you have the start of a neat story.
Your storyline is creative
Your title, rating and genres are appropriate.
I think you are missing the word time in your intro.
Suggestions/Errors:
I think you need to work on the flow of your story.
Maybe combine some of your sentences to help make this less of a choppy read.
I think you need to expand some.
The guy says one thing and your main character start beating him....maybe show an argument that leads up to the fight.
You might consider a different ending or show more on the fight to indicate that it would lead to such severe consequences.
You might show your main character as having flashback from the war or something like that to justify why he would just snap on this person.
Overall, I think you need to expand on this and make it more believable for your readers.
He had been gone fro almost six months
(typo - for)
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genres are good.
This is very well written.
You made me want to know more....
Your characters that you introduce are all likable.
It's a great story line and seems like it will be a very interesting novel.
Suggestions/Errors:
I did not notice any typos or errors.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in"Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I really like the comparison you are showing.
I would have never thought to show this compairson between unstable love/birds migrating.
Very creative thoughts and it works really well to express your feelings.
Your title, rating and genres are good.
I like your last stanza the best.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
A couple lines seem forced:
As I glanced out clear window
(Using clear just doesn't work well here...)
I'll warm up the parlor and
leave latch open on the door
(This 2nd line is a litlle awkward, maybe
I'll warm up the parlor and
leave open the front door
or something else there.....) Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Great title.
You rating and genres are good.
Your imagery through-out is very good.
You have some great descriptions; you really touch on your reader's senses.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
I would go through and remove some of the commas, I think it would help with the read/flow of your poem. Try reading this aloud with and without the commas and hear the difference.
ex;
Blackberries glistened, with the morning dew.
Walking bare footed, I stopped to eat a few.
Blackened juice dripped, from my finger tips.
The juice tasted, sweet upon my lips.
try
Blackberries glistened with the morning dew.
Walking bare footed I stopped to eat a few.
Blackened juice dripped from my finger tips.
The juice tasted sweet upon my lips.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Great questions!
Your title, rating and genres are good.
I like the details that you share.
I like the twist that you share with your reader's leading up to
your meeting on that July night.
I think it's human nature to think about what led us where and to whom.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
With your wording in places it reads a little confusing, I had to read a few lines over to get your meaning. You might add some punctuation to this to help clarify in places.
ex;
of where we were headed
or maybe if you had
would it have thrown the whole thing off
try
of where we were headed,
or maybe if you had,
would it have thrown the whole thing off
or
of where we were headed.
or maybe if you had
would it have thrown the whole thing off Keep writing. Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your beginning and ending are both very strong. You set this up well and you end this well.
I agree with your intorduction about death being individual.
You show Irene to your readers, I felt like I knew her.This brought tears to my eyes. Not only did it remind me of my Mom's death but I am a nurse and this brought up many memories of different patients.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
I like the comparisons you use in your first and last stanza. They fit well and show your emotions well.
Very unique title.
Suggestions/Errors:
Stanza 3 briefly tells of your breakup, you might personalize this a little more.
I think it would enhance your poem if you showed your readers a little more on what caused this seperation.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION:
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Keep writing. Always, Tammy