"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ."
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS;
I enjoyed you story.
I have worked in nursing homes and have seen this behavior from both patients and their families.
I like that you show the characters fears about seeing his Grandmother and I like the memories that sets up how the Grandmother was before getting sick.
I think you capture the Alzheimer's patient well/ with the back and forth and the rambling.
SUGGESTIONS;
I think it would have been more effective if you expanded a little more on the memories/ building the relationship the character once had with the Grandmother.
I was a little confused with the slapping part...you say right before the slap...is that supposed to mean she slapped him or that she caught herself before slapping him?
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ."
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS;
I enjoyed reading your story.
You tell it well, I wasn't left with any questions.
I like your two main characters and the friendship you show between the two of them.
Great ending.
SUGGESTIONS;
a small thing;
The part were he falls gasping for breath after seeing the other couple...isn't very believable. Not for a teenager/ especially a guy.
Your spacing is off at the end of this para - '“Snap out of it...'
I'm not the best with punctuation...especially with dialog, but I think you need to check that..it is off in places.
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ."
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS;
I like your introduction for this
I like how you picked the title for your story/ very creative.
I like your description of the school sign and I like the contrast you show between her and the other girls.
SUGGESTIONS;
The bell for first class would ring in five minutes, so the students laughed and leaned into towards their friends ears to hear their summer stories.
(this doesn't really make sense. It reads like they were leaning in to listen to the stories because the bell was bout to ring??) Towards should be toward.
You might change that..cut the so...or make it two sentences.
I'd like to know more about your characters.
It sounds like this will be an interesting story/ I hope you finish it.
Overall Impression:
I think we have all had guilt and this will be an easy poem for people to identify with.
I think stanza two shows feelings of guilt very well.
Stanza 4 is my favorite part of the poem; who hasn't walked on eggshells...
Suggestions:
add some genres
You might try for a more unique title.
suggestions from your poem
Inward Guilt
Guilt Too Deep
Broken Glass
Keep writing!
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My Overall impression:
Great title.
Your rating and genres are good.
I think this line really captures what your poem is saying;
'She'll never trespass where my heart locks its fear.'
I think we all do this...lock up certain areas of our self.
I love this line;
'Rain gives clay new form!'
Suggestions/Errors:
Watch your use of and, you start off lines with it and it's not needed.
Try reading this aloud without the ands.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genres are all appropriate.
I like your thoughts and I agree with them.
If we all did this..it might help the world some.
Suggestions/Errors:
Your thoughts are clear but there isn't much feeling in this.
Your wording is straight to the point and the read is a little choppy making this feel impersonal.
Your poem might do better with a little punctuation.
You might try expanding some on this; maybe have some examples of how the world is unaccountable/maybe show what is 'right.'
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
I like the title you picked for this/ it's creative.
Your genres and rating are appropriate.
Suggestions/Errors:
This feels very unfinished.
It seems like you started in the middle and then it doesn't end.
You briefly introduce your story but even the beginning is weak/ I think you need to set this up a bit more. Explaining a little more on the background of this and then go into your story/memory.
You end this more like a prologue instead of a story...is there more to come??
If not, you need more on your ending/ tie up your loose ends.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in"Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your rating, title and genres are all appropriate.
We have all had these types of dreams/nightmares.
Your ending holds a twist that I wasn't expecting.
Your ending shows the most depth and feelings.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Your poem is lacking emotions.
Your sentences are short and to the point.
There is no flow to your poem.
Watch your use of filler words like the that and, try using descriptive words in those places if/and where you can.
ex;
When the dogs bark,
It is very dark.
try;
Howling, sharp barks
pierce the lat night
or something more like this..
Add some description to your poem.
Show your readers what you want to say.
Try touching on your reader's senses.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: Hey woman,
I guess all our members hate starting unfinished novels!!
But I decided to tackle yours today and finish you up in forum 2...I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed your story.
Your introduction to the book is enticing and makes your readers want to jump right in.
Your image is awesome, her dark blues are great.
chapter one
You capture your reader's attention in this chapter very well.
You make one want to see how her adventure goes.
You introduce the characters well and you set up the storyline straight up.
I like the humor you slide in with her breaking up with her boyfriend!
chapter 2
You introduce us to another character. He is likable also.
You set his background up well.
chapter3
The meeting...great way to do this!
chapter 4
You humor in this chapter is good.
Your story is flowing well and you are keeping my attention.
chapter 5
Your descriptions are really good in this chapter, you touch on your reader's senses.
(the yard/the dog)(the smell...gasolin/cabbage)
Great job with these.
chapter 6
I enjoyed reading about this teen/ love the humor!
Chapter 7
Flows well. I didn't notice any typos or errors.
You include some translations in this chapter.
Your image adds a very nice touch to this part.
Chapter 8
I was wondering where you did the research for this..lol..I have seen some of this talk of school in Mel's blog!!!(the sixth years...)
chapter 9
I like how you show that she is getting to Adam so well in this chapter.
chapter 10
She's a teacher!! The class sounds like they may be a problem to begin with!
You have introduced the matchmaker...
I think you have a great start to a novel.
I would love to read more...so get busy!!
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
chapter one
In a few place you have her thoughts in italics and parenthesis/ you could do one or the other, you don't need both.
chapter 2
Things hadn’t always been so rosey to be honest
(rosey should be rosy)
At the end of this chapter you have Adam thinking back..i think it would be best if you had all of that part in italics (not just their dialog.)
You also have an invalid image link at the bottom of this chapter that you should remove.
You have a few Japanese words in italics that not all your readers will know what they mean.
You may want to explain in the text or have an author's note with their definitions.
chapter 3
I did not notice any error/typos.
chapter4
The very last line of this chapter, I would cut out the in his heart part...since they just met. Maybe just show he has a little jealousy.
chapter 5, 6, 7
I did not notice any typos or errors.
chapter 8
The ending of this chapter may be a bit much.
You could have her storming off but I don't know that you need the part about him never finding love...I'm not sure they have known each other long enough for her to have him so figured out.
Your very last line is a little awkward, maybe cut the first and/ and check your punctuation in this line.
chapter 9/ 10
I did not notice any typos or errors.
Thanks for entering your poem in"Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your title, rating and genres are all good.
I especially like your ending stanza showing why you went.
I like that you include what prompted you to write this in your intro.
Great tribute to your friends and to any soldier.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
typo
I will watch your from the sky
your = you
watch your repetition;
I will never make it home
Even though I wont make it home
These 2 lines say the same thing I would cut one of them.
Watch your use of filler words.(that,and, the etc.)
ex;
I will be the tear in the corner of you eye
I will be the sun shinning down
And the grass on the ground
try;
I will be the tear in your eyes
I will be the sun shinning down
onto the grass at your feet
(or maybe something like this)
I will cover your body like the sheet
I think a would sound better;
I will cover your body like a sheet
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Love your title for this and how you use it for comparison.
I like the rhyming pattern you have and your poem flows really well.
I think your poem could be for an ex or for the loss of a loved one.
I think each reader will identify with your feelings on losing soemone.
Your words and thoughts remind me of my Mom.
I think this stanza is really strong:
'Her words are dreams sailing,
disappearing in the distance.
As time passes she's slipping
further away from existence.'
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Love the title.
I like your topic that you are writing on and agree with your thoughts.
I think it is very easy to fall away from one's self and become something we are not.
Suggestions/Opinions/Errors:
I think you repeat yourself in this.
I think your poem would benefit with some punctuation.
I'd go over this and remove the repetition, working on getting rid of the you/yours.
You can be dramatic and make your points without the repetition...it can become very distracting to your readers.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
You use my prompt very well.
Great title, it really fits well.
You show both characters well in this short story.
You set the scene well and I wasn't left with any questions.
Well-done!
SUGGESTIONS:
I did not notice ay typos or errors.
Add some genres to your item.
My Overall impression:
You title and rating are appropriate.
I enjoyed your poem and can identify with these feelings/thoughts.
I call my lines~ my box but it's the same thing.
Your rhyming pattern is good and your poem flows well.
You set and show the boundaries of this relationship very well.
Suggestions/Errors:
Add some genres to your item, they will help to get your poem more exposure.
Maybe personal, experience, love/romance or relationship.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
OVERALL IMPRESSION: I think this was a great idea to start this item to hold all your entries for your Daily Flash Fiction Entries.
Your rating, title and genres are good.
Love the butterfly.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: I like that you have the image but I would also include a link to the contest and a few words telling your readers what this book item holds.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: I kove the way you tell this story.
It's very dramatic and intense.
I like that you have the dialogue in italics it makes it easier to follow your story.
Your story flows very well and I wasn't left with any questions.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: I found no error or typos.
I wouldn't change a thing!!
Keep writing,
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OVERALL IMPRESSION:
SUGGESTION: add some genres to this, it will get you more exposure.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
