Content
Pictures! Many many of them :) I like that you've given visuals for your characters, nice!
Presentation
I think it'd really help to have these in folders (like you have with The Heart's Torment) to separate sigs from characters. I know it adds port items, but folders are so handy for keeping a port tidy and easy for your average port-glancer :)
Parting Thoughts
I enjoyed your pics and sigs, especially seeing the characters inspirations. It actually has given me an idea for a contest prompt LOL
Don't understand or agree with the review or rating I gave?
Read "Invalid Item"
For more reviews stop by "Invalid Item"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Presentation
Nicely spaced for ease of reading. I think two line were forgotten in the spacing though, the dialogue between you and Peter.
Plot
N/A - This wasn't a story per se, but I like the 'subplot' of the woman with the book.
Characters
What little we see of them is nicely done and makes me yearn to know them more.
Development
Forward progression! yay! Even though this is a simple moment in time, it progresses and I find that breathtaking. Thank you!
Description
I love it. You bring me into the ambience and atmosphere of your world, drawing me in slowly until I don't want to leave.
Parting Thoughts
Very well done. I love it.
Don't understand or agree with the review or rating I gave?
Read "Invalid Item"
For more reviews stop by "Invalid Item"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
First impression...
Powerful words written with eloquent styling.
Form, Flow, Meter, Rhyme...
First verse, 'closer' should have a comma not a period. Other than that I didn't have any flow issues.
Emotion, Imagery, Language...
I feel in the first & second verse 'bed clothes' would read better as 'night clothes'. Other than that, it was well done, vivid and powerful.
Final thoughts...
I really liked this, you are very talented :)
For more reviews stop by "Invalid Item"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
First impression...
This is soft, gentle and rolls off my mind and tongue with ease.
Form, Flow, Meter, Rhyme...
I like the way you separated the verses, yet kept the fluidity between them. Your rhyming is well done and the lines are easy to read. One suggestion I have though, would be to take the "in" out from before the word "silence" in the second line.
Also, I'm not sure about the last 2 lines in the second verse. There should be a comma after "violet" for the lines to make sense to me, unless I'm missing the point of the lines.
Emotion, Imagery, Language...
I really liked the words you used in this, they bring the emotion of the poem to life on the page.
Final thoughts...
This left me sad, yet full of light at the same time. Very well done.
For more reviews stop by "Invalid Item"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Plot/Theme
Interesting plot, but to me the mood didn't feel dark enough. It did have quite a surprising ending though.
Characters
Brenda and an unknown man. Brenda seems a little flat, there was some characterization in the beginning og the story, but her actions near the end were very empty. I mean, I didn't feel or see her actions.. it's a show/tell issue I think.
Flow/Progression
For me this story moved too quickly. I would love some insight into the inner-turmoil of Brenda's gift and curse. I'd love to see her in action. I would also love to be more involved in the final scene.
Formatting/Presentation
This could use some spacing and indenting for easier reading and better presentation.
Description/Scenery/Imagery
Would like to see more of these... I want to be in the club, smell the smoke, hear the music. I want to visualize the man, know Brenda and be with them in the park. You have good locations, but I didn't really get into them.
Final Statement
The bare bones are here, I love the concept, it is interesting and I'd gladly come back to read it again if it gets worked on.
I liked...
How this left me feeling fuzzy and warm
I didn't like...
The line breaks
Form, Subject, Theme...
This is an obviously personal subject, and I can tell by the words you choose that you love your wife. Excellent subject matter :) I'm no tto keen on the line breaks though.
Flow, Meter, Rhythm...
Line breaks - disrupt, for me, the flow of the piece.
Emotion, Imagery, Language...
Very sweet indeed. I would suggst changing "the" in the first line to "an", "her" or just leaving it out completely.
Overall...
I really liked this :) It's just lovely.
Wow. The imagery you present here is breathtaking.
VERY well done!!! I love this one.
You may want to consider breaking this into six stanzas of four lines each - just for ease of reading. (I kept losing my place lol) I know I have some long poems too, but usually it's free verse.
Plot/Theme
I feel there is a good plot in this piece, but that it hasn't really begin yet. I look foward to future chapters.
Characters
Mari- I felt she was introduced rather hurriedly. It took a while for her to get in the story, but once she was she wasn't really described at all. I'd also love to know more about her brother.
Flow/Progression
THIS is the story I meant to write about the history lesson. :) Please apply the suggestions from the last review to this.
Formatting/Presentation
I would suggest indenting paragraphs, other than that, no comments here :)
Description/Scenery/Imagery
I think this is the area that needs the most work. You switch from third to second person constantly, which is distracting. I think some of the descriptions could be fleshed out.. especially dealing with the sickness and its stages. Also, I would love to know more about the city, but from the POV of the characters.
Final Statement
This needs some serious grammatical work, but underneath it all I think it has a lot of promise. I would be willing to come back to re-rate and review again if this got some work done on it :)
Plot/Theme
Since this was a prologue, the exact plot has yet to be revealed. Thematically it seems to be a futuristic type story with a human core.
Characters
We have the King and Queen - who I don't like already, and Airla, their neice (and her family), who I got a short glimpse at. I'd love for these to be developed in the coming chapters.
Flow/Progression
This is halted. The story does not flow well at all. If you have MS Word, Works, or Open Office I would run this through grammar check to help clean it up a bit. (If you don't have any of those, Open Office is a free download on download.com)
This begins as a history lesson, but when it's revealed that none of what has been told to us readers is important, I was left wondering why we had been told at all. If it doesn't matter to the characters, it doesn't matter to me.
In a prologue such as this, I would suggest sticking only to facts OR character feelings. Either describe the world as it is, or describe how the world is according to your characters - but giving readers both sides only confuses.
Formatting/Presentation
Typo in the fist line "least" should be "last"
I would suggest indenting the paragraghs (easily done with the {indent} ML.
Description/Scenery/Imagery
I found many of the descriptions to be lacking in appeal. You used the word "poor" many times but I never saw, nor felt, how poor they were. I would love to be able to feel sorry for them, but their "poor" and my "poor" may not even be the same - so I have no idea how poor they are.
They way you set up worlds and dimensions soudns cool - but I got confused a lot. A clearer explanation of the system setup would be tremendoulsy helpful and get me more interested in the story.
Final Statement
I think this has great potential. I would love to see it fixed up a bit for easier reading and understanding and I'd love to read the first chapter to see where this story plans to go.
At first glance...
A sonnet about love, friendship, and their role in our lives.
Technically speaking....
I see nothing wrong here.
My final answer...
This is breathtaking. Any friend/lover would be proud to have this written for them! It flowed well, the rhymes were strong, and the feelings and mood were perfect. Thank you for writing this; I enjoyed reading it very much.
Stop by for poetry reviews: "Invalid Item" !!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
At first glance...
A poem about being incomplete...
Technically speaking....
"Should I quit now,
Accept my defeat?"
- I think this would read easier as:
"Should I quit now
and accept defeat?"
The line about Berlin is an odd reference to me.. I'm not sure how it fits within this poem.
My final answer...
I love the form you used here with the refrain lines, very functional within this poem! I though this a nice poem, though not entirely connected. I do like it though. Write on!
My final answer...
This is a unique way to study, and I love it. The rhymes are good enough to remember and all the information is right on.
Have you ever thought about developing rhyming study aids to print/pass out to class members? A lot of students make money by tutoring others, this could be a great way to do it.
At first glance...
A poem about... things? Or perhaps it's not a poem at all... :)
Technically speaking....
Last line of stanza one - 'it's' doesn't need an apostrophe
Line 4 stanza 2 - instead of 'it's' I'd try 'it is' the extra syllable adds to the flow of the poem
My final answer...
This was a fun read!! Truly a tongue twister that made me have to think - and I love having to think. A few of the rhymes seemed forced, but it's not overly noticeable and sort of add to the light feeling of this poem.
At first glance...
A poem about a lost chance for love...
Technically speaking.... vowe should be 'vow'
you told me we were to be together Might sound better with "you told me we would..." instead of the "we were to be" as you use "would" in every line after this in the same stanza.
You could of at least let me try "of" should be "have". To me, this would read better without "at least" but that's just preference.
My final answer...
Not bad at all, just a few grammar/spelling mistakes to clean up and you'll have a nice poem here :) Keep on writing!
At first glance...
A simple poem with "sarcasm" as it's theme...
Technically speaking....
I would apply punctuation to this poem, but that is only my opinion.
My final answer...
I think the first verse is excellent, but the second verse ends weakly. It takes away from what you have building up. Sarcasm is something I know very well but I feel the last 2 lines of this poem don't fit in with the theme/topic.
At first glance...
A nature-themed poem in quatern format. The language isn't bad but the imagery - though there in word, doesn't seem to be there in feeling.
Technically speaking....
I would add commas at the natural pauses in the lines; since you use periods at the end of sentences it makes sense to use all punctuation.
My final answer...
Since the quatern-repeating line is 'crisp' and 'cool' it seems odd that you would choose the color red for this poem. For me, the color doesn't work. I think the poem seems disconnected a little from the reader.. never 'feel' it or 'see' it. Good start though :)
At first glance...
A poem that society could really benefit from reading :)
Technically speaking....
The last line of stanza one needs a period at the end.
Earth Quakes, Drought's, Tsunami's Earthquake is one word. No apostrophe needed in droughts or tsunamis.
Comma at the end of line 1 stanza 2.
Period at the end of line 2 stanza 2.
Comma after yet, semicolon after on: line 3 stanza 2.
heavens line 4 stanza 3 needs an apostrophe before the 's'.
Period at end of line 2 stanza 4 and end of line 4 stanza 4.
life's in line 4 stanza 4 should be 'lives'
My opinion, this line Then maybe they'll have a chance. would read better as 'Perhaps they'll get the chance.'
My final answer...
Good topic. You hold your position firmly and never waiver. With a few grammar/spelling/punctuation corrections this will read easy and flow well. Good job :)
At first glance...
A poem about being apart from someone you care about, something most have experienced before and can relate to.
Technically speaking....
Personally, the long lines are daunting. It wouldn't hurt the poem at all to cut them in half and make 4-line stanzas instead of 2-line stanzas, like this:
If there was something I could give,
if just for a little while.
I'd give it without hesitation,
just to see your smile.
The distance is killing me,
keeping you away from here.
I'd give anything right now
just to know you were near.
My life took me here,
your life kept you there.
Miles are eternities when
separation is too much to bear.
I would also combine the last two stanzas to make a fourth 4-line stanza like this:
I know this is a lot for you,
having to be this far apart.
Just remember: no matter what happens here,
you'll always have my heart.
With a little rewording it flows in nicely with the rest of the poem and loses none of its meaning.
My final answer...
Lovely! Technically the only thing wrong with this was simply a matter of structure in my own opinion. I enjoyed this and can relate to it - something I like in poetry. Well done :)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ro312
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 3:06pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
but I feel the last 2 lines of this poem don't fit in with the theme/topic.