At first glance...
I didn't know what this was about until I reached the punchline. You sure know how to keep a reader suspended!!
Technically speaking.... Our enemy, with assiduous zeal and the ever haunting, ever deadly mist had long since brought us low. This sentence is off a bit. I had to read it six times to 'get' it.
My final answer...
I'm still unsure what species the narrator is, but it's not entirely important to the story. You do a good job of describing life on the other side of a Raid can :) I only wish it was longer and more descriptive. :)
Honestly, I don't like this. Most of the rhymes seemed forced and the meter is skewed.
Also in your description you say that this is an argument about philosophies, but it seems only to be a platform for disavowing religion of any type.
While writing about religion is a touchy subject, I do commend you for tryingyour handat it. IMO, using the race track is a poor metaphor for life, but it was a creative one.
To improve this poem, I'd make it less preachy. I'd also work on the meter. Writng in couplets is effective, but if you want to keep the flow I'd either let go of the rhyme or rework the rythym.
You have a lot of good stuff hidden in this poem, and with some work I think it'd be good.
The Bad
Only because I'm a grammar and punctuation freak - you drop "g's" all over the place (which is fine) but it's normally replaced with an apostraphe. example: "runnin'"
The Ugly
nothing!
] The Lowdown
I could totally rock out to this :)
The Good
Very beautiful structure, no forced rhymes, it flows very well.
The Bad
'But understanding brothers
So open up your hardened hearts.' - period after brothers, remove period after hearts. I think that fits in better with the way the poem flows.
The Good
I love this! It's so adorable. It flows real well, and nothing seems forced.
The Bad
A couple lines in the last verse have some commas that need spaces after them.]
The Ugly
The last 2 lines of the poem seem off compared to the rest of it. Perhaps, "Oh, if I could laugh/ like he, I'd be blessed" instead of 'truly' ? Just a suggestion.
The Lowdown
Very good!!! It is such a fun piece! WTG :)
The Good
The rhyming was very well executed. Nothing seemed forced at all.
The Bad
'As crickets swooned I thought I might.
Watching the sight. Watching the sight.' - Might what? And I'm not sure if 'watching' makes sense to me as a verb here; perhaps 'watch'?
'Serenity released my fears.' - This line doesn't seem to last as long as all the others... like there's a couple beats missing.
'While I pondered the day awoke.' Should be a comma between 'pondered' and 'the'.
The Ugly
nothing!
The Lowdown
Very nice! Just needs a few touchups to be a truly easy-to-read gem.
Oh, I like! You tell a very sad tale, but do so serenly and without hesitation. The story unfolds with great timing, great rhythm and good form.
One suggestion: 'she takes whatever she will.' could perhaps be 'she takes whate'er she will' to match the syllables, like you've done in other verses. IT also adds a bit of 'sailor' talk to the mix.
Good luck in the contest!
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