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1
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Review of Excerpt: Spin  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
General thoughts:
Great descriptions; just the right amount of details to let us know this world, and the people in it, are different without beating us over the head. The excerpt makes me a little wary that it is yet another dystopia, but that's a personal thing and not to be worried over. Write what you like to write -- it will find an audience.


The Nit Pick:
Really very few things to pick at. One, and this is something found in 99% of writing, a few grammatical issues. Go over it again, and you'll find them. For example: "an discarded" instead of "a discarded". Also, you may want to think again of the abundance of semi-colons. Nothing particularly wrong with it, but it just makes for a bit more difficult flow for the reader. With full sentences, the reader is taken along in the observation with Peter as opposed to it being more like a report -- a report with very good descriptions.

A few sentences could use a little tightening. Example: "...and Peter's gaze fell to the floor where the blast of music had already jolted a few to the floor, where they lay on their side, one jumping in circles." While I like the visual, the sentence needs some trimming. I'd suggest seeing what of that is truly necessary, such as if Peter is looking to the floor, the reader does not need to know that the music "jolted a few to the floor." If that is where he is looking, the reader should follow that is where the music jolted them to. A similar thing happens with the keys. Unless June is picking up the keys in an unusual way, the reader is likely to assume that she bent over, picked them up, and then stood up. June retrieved the keys and searched once more for the right one.


In the End:
From the excerpt alone I get a real sense of place and a hint of conflict. Keep going. I'd say don't take into thought the things I've pointed out just yet. Write the whole thing, and then come back and see places where you can trim up sentences. Very nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
General thoughts:
You start out with action -- definitely a plus. However, you go from that straight into dialogue. It's like getting on a highway at 60 mph only to find traffic and you have to slow back down. There's a nice entry level quest that sketches out some of the character, but most of his talents are revealed by internal monologue. Perhaps show us more of his skills through action. You have an overarching threat in the world and smaller, more direct challenges, which is really great to see, and the reader already has anticipation for what is coming next.


The Nit Pick:
You have a character who is a man of action, sent on quests by his lord, and other than seeing in the first paragraph that he just had a tough time of it, all his praise is from his own thoughts. We don't see his action until later. This is not to say you have to show us a man of action in action at the start (think Rothfuss's The Name of the Wind, which starts out with lots of talking, but it has mystery and intrigue). But if I were to pick one thing from your writing that I would like to see you work on it is less telling us about your characters, and let the readers learn about them in slow reveals through interaction with others or their environment.

You have two, so far, different styles of dialogue. Each gives a particular feel for the story and lets the reader know what kind of person the character speaking is. I would recommend selecting one. For example, Sir Bradshaw early on states "What of it, Lord Sedrik?" This is pretty modern style linguistically. Then you have Bradshaw go on a bit of a rant to a superior (do they have a friendly relationship where this is okay or in your world titles have little meaning to class and caste?) in which he exclaims "You haven't a clue?" -- also rather modern. But the other exchanges tended to be stilted, more formal word choice and sentence structure. Dialogue, just like narrative, tells the reader about your characters and your world. Neither one way or the other is better, but choose how you want your characters to speak, it is part of who they are; their history and their present.


In the End:
Keep writing and keep reading. Read books that are similar to what you want to write and books that are nothing like you want to write. Write and write some more. You'll find your voice and your style. I'd recommend reading books like Stephen King's On Writing. I'm actually not fond of his books, his writing style doesn't appeal to me, but he knows how to write, and he knows how to guide others to finding their style and voice.

Best of luck and keep at it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Treacherous love  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
General thoughts:
There's no mistaking the heartache, anger, and regret here. Your poem has the rhythm of pounding feet that perfectly echoes the trampling feeling as well as the mention of the running a race and late night walks. A lot of nice imagery, too.


The Nit Pick:
Do a quick review and find the misspelled words -- i.e. worst=worse
Do a second quick review to catch some of the comma issues, because there are not many of those issues, so I'm pretty sure they were just oversights.

Cliches: hard to avoid sometimes, particularly with love-lost poems. Unfortunately, what makes a cliche what it is does not always work well for a poem. Having a few is great as it is something the reader recognizes and pulls in the reader's sympathy, but too many and it shelves the poem. I would not say you need to fix that here, because things are meshed together. It would be something I would have you think about for future works.

In the End:
A poem full of emotion; that open-wound-pouring-out type of emotion. Now take that experience, that emotion, and go somewhere with it out of the everyday.

Thank you for sharing the work and keep writing!
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Review of Arena  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
General thoughts:
Excellent use of language; very tidy and right to the point. It gives a lot more weight to the moment in the story without extraneous nonsense. Well done there. I get a little flavor of Hunger Games in this, but that's not to say don't do it. It's just saying there will be immediate comparisons for readers who are familiar with those stories.


The Nit Pick:
This seems like a moment in a story, not a complete story. Particularly the very end where you throw in a twist. Twists are great, but usually are hinted at somewhere in there before. Without that hint it makes this feel like the beginning of something longer, not self contained. Or, conversely, makes it seem like the ending was just thrown in because the story itself doesn't know what it is wanting to say or emotion to evoke.

The story is less than 2000 words, so unless you've got a word count limit for where you want to send this story, let's get a little more in there to help the twist at the end pay off. Perhaps more internal conflict revealed -- not too much -- or project that conflict on another character. In other words, your craft of writing is excellent (barring the few typos we all make), but I'm not seeing a complete story here.

In the End:
That being said, what I do see I really like. There were elements you presented that allowed me to "suspend disbelief" because the rest is written well. I can see the arena and I can sense the feelings surrounding the main character. All these suggestions are based on what I bring to the table from my limited experience. Others will bring with them their experiences. Only you know the story you want to tell.

Thank you for the read and keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of A Love Poem, Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
General thoughts:
Excellent imagery -- enjoying the meter that echoes the sentiment -- it has bounce. A good combination of senses, with sight, sound, and touch. Also like how the poem encapsulates some the precious positives of life before the ultimate conclusion.


The Nit Pick:
I'm a rhyming poetry person -- it is my favorite style. However, at a few points it felt like the rhyme was pressed into working, such as "the happy people gaze in awe, ...saw" instead of flowing into a natural rhyme.


In the End:
An enjoyable read, pictures of life's highlights, that gives a reader a contented feeling in the end. Some would say that poetry or writing should challenge or press us into action or thinking, but sometimes I think readers like to simply share in the good.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Angel Portal  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
General thoughts:
Not every story has to be complex, and this is a fine example. The tale is complete with a beginning, middle, and end. It is also a really good idea and theme. I like the concept and enjoyed sharing in the moment.


The Nit Pick:
A few things keep me from really being drawn into this story, but the main one is a lack of empathy or understanding of the main character. This is likely a limitation of the number of words -- perhaps for the contest -- but what "doom" was she destined for? Why is it doom? A reader does not need a lot, but a little more there would empathize with the sacrifice the Angel makes. It really is all in that moment that Alice is telling the story of the Angel image that beguiles Julie. More detail, less vagueness, and we will be drawn into that and feel closer to what Julie feels that causes her to cry.

There are some tiny typos, but we all have those, so just a look over will catch them.


In the End:
I very much enjoyed the story. If you wanted to do more with it past the contest restrictions, I would encourage you to do so. I am very curious about some of the events that led to that moment.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Acquiesce  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
General thoughts:
You have a very good sense of place and scene. Having visited China myself, I was immediately taken back to that time by your descriptions (particularly the observation of the traffic). I enjoyed sharing in the brief journey.


The Nit Pick:
It isn't until the end that we get a deeper sense of the thoughts of the narrator. We know that seeing the wall was overwhelming, that there was some annoyance initially at the "new friends", and that at the end that exchange there was a good feeling. But what is inside during this journey? It was a little too factual and not enough digging into the feeling of the narrator (such as why not want to endorse the lift, other than it was cheesy touristy) or even guesses as to how others might be feeling.


In the End:
This is a great vignette and an enjoyable, easy read. If you think to build further on it or give more, think about the direction you want to take. Something like a travelogue allows you to explore more of the feelings of the narrator (whether that is you or a fictional person), and don't be afraid to dig deep. If, on the other hand, you are just wanting to share observations, then you've got it and do really well with those descriptions.

Thanks for the read and keep writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of A cop's life  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
General thoughts:
Poignant without being preachy or delving into saccharine hyperbole. The symmetry of the scenes works very well, providing internal and external development. Seems to just brush the surface of the reasons, as if it is a description of a commercial seen on TV.


The Nit Pick:
While not a huge failing of the work, it would be nice to see if you could work to have the first words of each subline mirror each other. In the last two sections the lines start with "who" each time. In the first two sections, most of the time it is "in" but then once you use "on" and another time "from". It would be great, but not imperative, that you keep the symmetry in these lines.


In the End:
A fine, concise example of the reasons. If possible, another poem, perhaps a secondary or companion piece that digs a bit deeper into the reasons or frustrations, hopes and fears, of being a police officer.


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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
General thoughts:
Very good pacing, nice use of theme and good rhythm. It has the feel of a song by The Police, but outside of that sense of familiarity, it is a fine piece.


The Nit Pick:
You build some great visualization in there, things people can interpret and apply to their own imaginations or life experiences, but then in the last stanza, you turn a bit too far into esoteric. If the entire stanza was that way, it might not jump out so much, but the first line is very grounded able to speak to the symbolism of the dog.


In the End:
You have excellent metaphors and symbolism. I particularly like the line There are children in the grass and they're unwrapping life. While the last stanza is not as precise visually as the others, it still ties into the others well. Nicely done.

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Review of Low Bodies  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
General thoughts:
A good rhythm and rhyme for the four, though the second one seems a bit more forced, and a good tie from simple to complex in themes. They are definitely enjoyable limericks.


The Nit Pick:
The second one is a little obscure, and the word choices seem a bit forced to meet the rhyme instead of the idea. It is the least favorite of the four only because of that uneven feeling. Also, in that first line of the second limerick, I don't think the comma is necessary.


In the End:
The first is fun and well crafted. I enjoyed it and the last one immensely. Thank you for sharing these with WDC.


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Anticipation  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is very well done to the point that, within the criteria you set for yourself, the only thing I would recommend is looking over comma splices and minor grammatical things. Otherwise, there's emotion, conflict, history, and future all in this fine brief moment. You have precise and well positioned details that build up the story and guide the reader's imagination.

It is very nicely done.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
General thoughts:
I think the concept is intriguing. The style of writing is fine, though at some times the character expressions are a little stilted.


The Nit Pick:
As enticing as it is, don't reveal too much of the complications or plot points in this beginning.“That there will be no more death. Don't misunderstand or misinterpret! But the interpretation of death will be made plain." -- The last bit is too much. I would recommend stopping after the first sentence, or if you feel the character needs to give more, be a bit more vague. Allow the reader to join in some of the speculation of what that means.

Think about how characters would really speak. The respected chief geneticist sounds closer to a teenager discovering a new pizza than someone playing God, i.e. “This is just like that movie, Jurassic Park, except, instead of dinosaurs, we're dealing with deities!” The way you write your narrative assures me that you can adjust the voice of your character to fit their background.

Parentheticals -- use a bit more sparingly. The fact that Horus was killed by a scorpion provides the reader with an inherent understanding that he could be killed in such a way.

In the End:
The premise is a very interesting one, and I like the blend of ideas. The same detail given to your characters as to the science and story premise will even out and improve the read. Well done.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of The fox  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
General thoughts:
What I see here is a great deal of potential. The premise is sound, the emotions true, and this could be a great short story / flash fiction for some magazine markets.


The Nit Pick:
It is very bare bones, which you are aware. My impression is you were writing down just the minimums to get the picture in your mind and the experience out on paper. You did that well, but now it is time to flesh it out. Give a bit more depth to the emotional elements of it, the juxtaposition of where you were with what you saw just a little more, and a bit of history of why seeing a fox was so illuminating, thrilling, or what it was for you. Why was the fox more important than the otter? Or was it?


In the End:
You have a solid core of a story that could be developed into something more with a little fleshing out and time.


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
General thoughts:
A fun, swift ride with two irreverant characters. It is light humored and the general premise, as you say, is very much an homage to Fritz Leiber. The plot line is fine though not much of an arc to it. Still, there were details and reasoning, we were just taken there very quickly. You have some really great descriptions, nice moments, in particular the environment descriptions. Sometimes there was a feeling of purple prose, so I encourage to review the story again and meet the style of the work instead of just a word that meets the need. Just for example, near the end "She stared longer at the pair, a rapacious fire burned behind her ethereal orbs." That goes a bit overboard. However, further on, you've got a great description in "His nose worked like a curious wolf, nostrils flaring slightly, inhaling the cool night air."


The Nit Pick:
Grammar and Punctuation -- yes, it is important. Ends of sentences need periods or commas if it is in a quotation with the rest of the sentence pertaining to how the sentence was stated. i.e. "Don't go there, Bob," raged Jim. OR "Don't go there, Bob." Jim was seething inside.
At this point, in particular, your story needs to have the grammar and punctuation cleaned up, and it is mostly on the punctuation side of things.

Said, queried, questioned, asked, etc -- use these sparingly. In fact, having a question mark and then saying a character asked it is redundant.

Just a quirk, and not necessarily an issue, but both characters have stubbly jaws and like to rub them in thought. Fashion trend?


In the End:
You are almost there. The story is good, if a wee bit fast, interesting and fun characters, and tactile, rich atmosphere building language. I enjoyed the reading. Keep crafting your talent!


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Review of Tales of Elspeth  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
General thoughts:
Fine initial start; there is action, we learn the character's name up front, and there are some nice descriptive phrases setting the scene. Hints of the genre and scene in some good word choice (i.e. village, league). The characters seem to act counter to purpose, particularly Zander who upon rescuing the character beats him up? Take a few more moments to share with us what characters look like, particularly the reveal of Elspeth who, by Seth's earlier surprise, should be something of a moment when the reader first meets him. The pace is very hurried. You have the action scene at the beginning, but don't drag it out an unexplained, unreasoned battle that is barely heard by the main characters and taken care of in the moment of a sentence. If there is that much death and suffering, surely they would have heard something earlier. There is a nice twist near the end in the revealing of why Seth is important. That was timed well.


The Nit Pick:
Adverbs -- I, too, have a habit of abusing adverbs; desperately, slowly, dejectedly (among others).

Phrasing -- there is an over emphasis on the lightning; think of other ways to describe the evening or the sporadic lights caused by the storm. Check through the story for other phrases used too often or too close together (i.e. "opened up" heavenly objects "slowly creeping")

Grammar -- Paragraph breaks for characters. Each time a new character speaks or you are with a new character you need a new paragraph. Unspoken thoughts are best placed within Italics or set off in some other fashion from the rest of the narration. Depending on whether you are looking toward UK publishing or US, where you place the punctuation in reference to dialogue differs. In the US, the punctuation goes to the left of the quotations. For example, "Anyone, please help." not "Anyone, please help". These might be typos only, because in other places you have the punctuation in the correct place, and sometimes you leave punctuation out all together. Review the work for grammar.


In the End:
While I had a moment of confusion with a male character using a predominantly female name (Elspeth, a version of Elizabeth), the story allowed me to move past that and into the characters activities. It is a fine start and with some pacing, cleaning up of word usage and grammar, I think you have a good story to build and explore. The world is in your mind, so slow down a bit and share it with your readers who are eager to share the journey and meet your characters and your world.


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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
General thoughts:
My initial review is one of this being a draft. It sets up good framework for a story by hitting highlights, but it lacks depth or purpose. You have some great names that help with the setting. You start in the middle of the action, which is good; however, I would caution you to not speed through it. Prologues frequently focus on one moment or a significant event (conflict, error, justification).


The Nit Pick:
Second paragraph - Use of "Now" at the beginning of consecutive sentences, change that up; How big is this army (the thousand mentioned further on?) Awfully hard to maneuver that many men around (where are they?) after one man. Also, he killed how many in one call upon his power? This character has a lot of power -- why is he running? Could he have done this another way?

Fifth paragraph - Lots of killing mentioned listed rather like a schedule. No feelings of the character? What city was he refused access?

Eighth paragraph - "a thousand men"; that's a pretty big number and also the correct term is "one thousand" if you decide that is the amount of men you want chasing your single main character

Ninth paragraph - "about twenty-five minutes"; I suggest choosing to be vague here, i.e. "after a time of rest"

Tenth paragraph - "spiker" My guess is this is a typo intended as "spiked"


In the End:
My suggestion is two options with this element of your story: a) drop it all together and use it for your reference only as background story, or b) develop it into one singular, significant moment, i.e. the taking of the Stone. How did Zaltundi feel doing so? Was it an achievement? A burden? Against his better judgment? Compulsion?

I believe you have the ability to really explore this world, and my guess is you have a lot of what you'd like to do in your thoughts, elements you'd like to see happen. Don't forget to share those feelings, images, and details with the reader who cannot see them as you already do. Bring them along with you on this adventure you have building in your mind, and help them see what you see. Keep writing and crafting your talent!



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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
General thoughts:
Well done poem of a feeling less explored than some of the typical loss and loves ones. The second half hits a stride and really brings the thoughts, feelings, and poetical forms into a working piece. The first half is a harder read. While you may be employing the uneven style to represent the befuddled feeling of panic, it does not quite reach that potential. Instead it feels forced, like you were not yet into the depth of the idea you wanted to express.


The Nit Pick:
Poetry has grammar in most cases. If you are avoiding grammar (such as punctuation) then do so more blatantly. The first two lines of the first verse have no punctuation, the third line a comma, the fourth line a period, and the fifth line nothing again -- but they are all complete sentences. Commas and periods seem to be at random in this piece instead of at purpose. They mean the same thing in poetry as in prose.


In the End:
I suggest going backwards. This poem has great potential, and the last verse really captures a lot of symbolism, speaks to the minds of readers who can relate in a more suggestive way than the first part. All in all, nicely done!


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Review of Black Gates  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A good start and with some adjustments, it will reach your desired goal of teasing the reader and drawing them into the first chapter.

Here are a few suggestions to reach that goal:
1. The word "torso" is out of step with the rest of the vocabulary -- it's a little too clinical. Saying she leaned forward is enough, particularly when paired with the next sentence.

2. "If she didn't make it, he would surely kill her." Match this up with the other lines of thought; the others are very exact. How about "She had to make it." It gives the last line a little more punch (think about removing "surely" in that line), plus lures the readers into asking themselves why she has to make it.

3. "emulated from her throat" -- did she scream or cry out? I'm not sure "emulated" is the word you want there, as it means to copy or strive to equal.

4. "flailed wildly" -- flailed says all you need to say there. Rarely does one's arms flail without being wild.


The description of the locked in taste is done well in matching tone and sharpening the senses of the reader to the moment. In fact, your writing is well suited for the reader being in the moment.

Well done!
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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A wonderful read! While the beginning seems a bit timid, the words have less of an easy flow but by no means are they jarring, it is the end that really clinches the poem! Such wonderful imagination and humor, imagery, and piratical references blend very well to create a delightful piece.

Well done!
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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very nice start to a children's story. You are employing wonderful blends of genre that appeal to school age children. The story moves along crisply without delay in characterization or predicament.

I really enjoy the choice of dragon kinds and the way you introduce the Alexander's particular attributes is nicely done. It is a blend of characterization and environment building all in one.

This brings me to the one thing I would like to see you revisit: the introduction of the secondary character, Fleevius. It starts off very well with employing action into character description, but then we have a paragraph of direct "this is what he looks like." In fact, we can see him much more in skin color and texture than Alexander our main character. I don't want you to cut the descriptions, because they are wonderful (the smell of vinegar is perfect), but my suggestions is to move them about or incorporate them with a bit more interaction or comparison to Alexander.

One other small note: aesthetic acumen might be a little bit too high brow for a children's book, or at least, it does make me hesitate.

I do wonder what else is in store for Alexander, and am curious why the brochures showed something other than the room he received. What else is going to be different from what was presented? That possibility makes for a good page turner. I think this is a great start to the adventures of Alexander. Well done!
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Review of Anchor  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a poem that ironically stays on the surface of an emotion while using the metaphor of the ocean. It can refer to many things and thus can be interpreted to fit the needs of a reader. As it is said to be a work in progress, I think you've the potential here for something more intense and a bit more compelling. However, it also works in the simplicity as a representative of the deeper complexities that the reader will bring to it.

A few possibilities:
* I challenge you to use another term than "never" in either stanza 1 or 3
*Remove "will" from the last line in stanza 3. With it there the line is weakened.

A quiet but alluring poem that invites a simple or deeper reading is nicely presented here. Well done.
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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed reading these commuter moments. Two in particular were not only well done in form and feeling ("Driver changes lanes" and "We all wait in line"), but captured the visual scope that is often encapsulated in such brevity of well done haiku.

My only suggestion is that these fall closer under senryū than haiku. It is a different style of poetry that touches more on human foibles and with some humor than haiku which traditionally has a nature theme. Then again, in an urban jungle, the traffic jam can be the surrounding nature.

The fourth one is probably my favorite. Well done!
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Review of Soul born  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed this brief glimpse of story for the quick conflict, the instant introduction of something fantastical, and the exceptional descriptions that blended characterization and physical observations. It made me curious to know more about the Soul Born and the world that holds them.

Two suggestions:
*Use Italics for Tulle’s inner thoughts or comments to herself. It gives the reader some hint of difference; they are getting inside Tulle.

*Is the boy’s name Athuans or Athuan? As you write “Athuans’ mind” well, the apostrophe confuses me. It should either be Athuans’s or Athuan’s. Of course, these days it has become an option to add just an apostrophe to show possessive form of a name that ends in “s”. I disagree with this because, as this point proves, it causes confusion. I strongly encourage using “-s’s” for names that end with “s”

You’ve written a fine beginning that keeps the reader going, so I certainly trust you have kept going with the tale. Well done!

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Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Chapter One had a great start, but Chapter Two seems to founder just a little bit in its purpose. By this I mean this chapter seems entirely just to show Cordelia is a twit, Skylie can be just as snide and snippy as Cordelia and that crew, and Cole is a shy sort. With the situations you have here, I think you can still delve a smidge deeper. The opportunities are there to have another layer of story: is there another reason the Joneses had Cole’s family over for dinner? Does Skylie have even one sympathetic person on the fourth level or something she likes seeing there? Give her a tiny hint of wanting to be there that conflicts with her better sense or the unease of being on a level where she doesn’t “belong.” Doing this I think will help this chapter keep the richness that you started in the first chapter without detracting from your established storyline.

You have all the great transitions from one scene to another and fine descriptions; the image of Mrs. Jones’s hair rose easily in my mind with the phrase “elaborately set blonde curls.”

There are still some challenges with comma splices, but not overwhelmingly so (i.e. “and when she got home, had no energy to run…”).

Don’t forget your Italics when it is the memory of someone speaking or a character speaking internally; particularly when Skylie is recalling what her father said or is telling herself not to say anything.

This may have been in the first chapter and I missed it, but it is more noticeable this time: were narrowing, was smiling, were coming closer, said mockingly, was attempting, was looking. Now, not all of them need to be changed, but consider: “eyes narrowed” “smiled” "came closer" “mocked” “attempted” and “looked.” You only do this in that one scene, so it may have just been in the moment.

Many of the things I’m pointing out are later revision type things. Don’t worry about them when you are writing first drafts of your chapters. You have a good world and fine characters. Don’t forget that pretty soon we want to see some of the major conflict, something with Skylie outside of classmate conflicts, come about.
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Review of I, Katrina  Open in new Window.
Review by Mareli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Personification at its best. The poem lacks structure (1st stanza 5 lines, 2nd stanza 7 lines, 3rd, 5th, and 6th stanza six lines), but in a sense that too is personfication and really works for this piece and not against it.

Two things about word choice and phrasing:

*Screaming eye; typically the eye of the hurricane is rather calm. I think you can make that juxtaposition in this poem tied into the regality of your premise of personifying a hurricane.

*The dog's last woof? A nice visual of the dog, but the pattern breaks you have in "action" of "object". To keep the dog and maintain the rhythm and tempo might want to consider "bark of dogs" or something along that line.

You've delivered an interesting portrait of nature through selective poetical conventions and breaking some of those conventions.
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