This is a good short story that takes a conclusion moment as its premise. Because of this, I think with a few more details given to the cause, what made them notice a problem, you will add depth to this tale.
Some fine descriptions and imagery; to note: “the twisted trees grew, clawing like skeletal fingers at a sunless sky”; “motes of flickering magelight danced a slow, rising spiral upon its mouth.”
Your heroine is believable with purpose to her actions and understandable feelings to what is going on and choices she makes.
The plot arcs well, though you may go just beyond the necessary in the second to last paragraph. There are things thrown in there we just don’t need to know from the conclusion of a short story. If you really want to keep the very last line, perhaps just before it, provide a less in depth summary of what happened – the point isn’t really what he did but those last words.
Word choice pickiness:
*Second full paragraph “alternate” instead of “alternative”
*Twelfth paragraph that begins “Whispers!” at the end did you really mean radius? It is a little too mathematical, and might it work better to simply say circle or the magelight’s reach.
*Looking like no more than sheets of cloth
*The swordsman yelling “Hey, you! Over here!” is a bit underwhelming. He sounds like some guy at a bar yelling for a waitress. I believe you can do better with that moment. Maybe he does not even speak at all, but distracts the Whisper from its prey by another method.
*Magnum Breaks? Don’t understand those. Most of the other words intended for mystical representation are easily imagined in my reading brain, but those were not. I have no idea what he did.
*If three drops of blood are required, a slice is not necessary. He’ll get a lot more blood than he needs. A knick of a finger with the tip of the broken blade would suffice.
For the most part you avoid grammatical errors, though you have a few comma splices. There are also moments when the sentence is not grammatically incorrect, but does have a tendency to go on and on. Specifically paragraph three when the swordsman pats the lady’s arm and a string of description follows. Take a moment there to break up the description into at least one other sentence, perhaps when he turns away from her.
One plot question: There’s a highly Tolkienesque feel to the explanation of the Elves departure. Be certain you want such a similar comparison to the story.
Take this great start to that next level by giving a bit of depth at the beginning and shaving off some detail at the end. Best of luck and keep writing!
You have a very descriptive style. This is good in most aspects, but be careful of being overly descriptive to the point the story is bogged down by “florid prose.” I have this trouble myself, so I know the challenge of the fine line between enough description and too much description. Just for example, you have a paragraph describing the stallions followed by a paragraph describing the chariot and sword. At this point you’ve crossed the border between important description and telling us about everything not showing.
This story has a challenging start in medias res. The Beast/Demon/devil has already caused enough trouble to call out an army. So, the reader is in the thick of some sort of action. The problem is the action is written in long, chock full of detail sentences. You are wanting and needing to world build in the middle of an action sequence. This is a hard test. I think you can achieve your intention if you change up the length of your sentences and keep description to what is absolutely important at that point. Wax poetical about the sword later. Leave description of the horses and chariot until they are active in the story.
Help the reader along in providing some names early on – even if not the Demon King’s name. We have an unnamed captain and an unnamed country for eleven paragraphs. There is extensive description of the antagonist but we have no idea where the army is encountering the demon except outside in the rain. Is it a field, meadow, valley, plain?
Let’s touch on grammar for a moment. We all hate it, but it is important. You have three things that came up often enough for me to feel the need to point them out.
1. Run on sentences. I think you will be able to fix these when you shorten up the sentences and weed out some extra description. The first hint (though not fool proof) is to see if you have a sentence with more than one subject and verb phrase. For example: “Stranding up abruptly he made a grab for his sword and shield and slammed down his visor with such an almighty crash and all the men in the surrounding area stood to attention, the silence within the camp broken only by the rolling of thunder.” There are three sentences in there at the least.
2. Starting sentences with “and” or “but.” In fiction, this is not a huge error, but it becomes a glaring issue when used in abundance. Most of the “and” you have at the beginning can be cut out. When you do this, you’ll find the sentence holds more weight, too.
3. Word choice. In the beginning you use “the land” first. This is a missed opportunity for a more descriptive word; approximately fifteen paragraphs in write the courage was “feigning” and I think you might have meant “waning.” I don’t think they were faking the courage, but more likely losing their courage; Two paragraphs later the head is rolling on the floor. The floor?
A few things that have excellent imagery, but perhaps you want to revisit them.
*Could the stallions actually swoop down on the head if they are tied to the chariot? The traces and lines probably would restrict them or at least move the chariot about in a rather unruly fashion.
*If it’s been raining would the land still be green after being trampled on by an army of men?
*Perhaps the kingdom name Thespian is a place holder name? If not, you may want to consider how automatic it is to think of actors when one reads that. Unless, at some point in time you will be tying many Latin / Greek based arts words as names for places.
*The honorific for a King is more typically “Your Majesty” or less frequently “Your Grace,” but typically not “Your Highness”
*When the king is looking over his kingdom with “a sad and weary eye” – does he have only one eye? Yes, that’s the typical phrase, but you’re also introducing a person here of which we know nothing. It’s just as easy to say “with sad and weary eyes.”
Your story is in the popular demonic, grim outlook field. The potential of the story is there. You have a promising concept and definitely somewhere to go with the tale. The descriptions are lively, if just a little too many of them. Continue with the story, writing freely without thinking on how much description, which is definitely a rewrite topic, but do think a little more of grammar. Visit this section again as you get closer to the end. You will find the ability to adjust description and pacing easier to do.
You do a good job establishing the environment. Introduction of the empathetic character is compelling. There's some fantastic description in here, to note just a few: "...short woman with cropped hair and a mean, scrunched up look in her eyes was twirling her whistle around stubby fingers", "familiar fruity voice..."
This story really has gotten now to the nitpicky part because you've written a fine beginning for this tale. So, nitpicky is what I'm going to be.
There are some things to revisit here that might help clear up the narrative.
*Comma splices (the bane of many writers, myself included). Just a few places I noticed where commas are not necessary: "...are not a citizen of Diana, until the age of sixteen.", "her ability to hold her head high, past the sniggers of Cordelia and Angelina" There are others, but I think you will find them when you read through.
*Is it ten in the gifted class or not ten? The number should be exact, unless for some reason the number fluctuates from day to day and the reader just does not know this reason yet.
*"he himself did" - himself is not necessary there.
*"DUT-duh-duh-DUH-duh-duh." I think I know what you meant here, but it seems to throw the narrative off track. The description previous and Cole's imagination following this moment will do the trick.
*In the description of classes and levels, it becomes very confusing. "His class...in fact—it was the hardest class in the ninth class. When you became a fifth class, all the kids in that class were divided up into three classes—gifted, standard, and deficient." I recommend other designations to avoid confusion of classes.
*The city "levels" is very straight forward and dry reading. You start off well noting that one student is from a certain level and another student is from another. Do not waver too far from that and start going into factual a, b, c, and d mode. The information is important to have, but you have shown you can provide it while also giving characterization or story development at the same time.
I really encourage you to continue this story. I am curious as to what faces Skylie. Best of luck and good job!
I really enjoyed this story. The beginning you offer excellent phrasing to set the tone and the conflict. There's a good grasp of family relations, too. The conversations are believable and well paced.
There are two things I would like you to consider, one is choice the other is more strongly encouraged.
1) I cannot see anyone. The story is rather devoid of any physical description of the characters. You have several places where you could throw in a detail of physical appearence, but that is up to you.
2) I strongly encourage you to watch out for comma splices. For example, "The horizon glimmered occasionally with lightening flickers, growing constantly brighter." The comma is not necessary. Review your story for other places where a comma is placed without a grammatical purpose.
This is a finely constructed story that takes the bridge moment of child to young adult. Well done.
Taken as a whole, I enjoyed this poem. You have a lot of great imagery as well as properly mixed metaphors and appropriate allusions. The greater part of the poem makes good use of breaks in free verse, and establishes a nice pace and has an evocative use of space.
The first stanza, however, does not have the same strong use of the free verse as if you were going one direction and then changed your mind. If you were to match the second and third stanza you will establish the better mode to carry your intentions. Right now, the first stanza's last lines nearly caused me to stop reading. I'm glad I didn't as the second and third stanzas were definitely worth it. The fourth stanza also trips up at the end. My recommendation (and this could also be my preference for not using strong language just for the sake of it) is to remove the "****-canned drunk" part of it and merely go straight to "I'm face first in the ground." The imagery edges to a more universal theme by being less specific to cause and more about the effect.
Again, all in all, a poem of tightly wound observation and emotion well weaved.
Elegant, powerful, and respectful of the simplicity. I am only slightly thrown by the juxtaposition of tears, typically hot, being like snowflakes. It brings to mind the emotion behind the tears and not necessarily their feel. Any thought to a companion piece of something like lava?
Anyway, again, an enjoyable piece and one of which you should be proud.
There's a fine beginning here, and I particularly like some of your word choice for descriptions in some areas. For example: The rock rose out of the lesser hills like a king among men, black and jagged and raw and majestic; Her stomach seemed to have dropped right out of existence, leaving only a black hole.
I enjoy your characters as well. There's an easy conversational way, the hint of a history among them in the words they choose. Something to consider in your characterization -- name choice. Nan, Marion, and Doran are common every day names to be found all around. The rest of your names are decidedly uncommon. It might help to choose one direction or the other, otherwise the culture of their world is undefined. On a side note, princesses are typically not called "Your Majesty" That is an honorific reserved for kings and queens. Most often they are "Your Highness."
I am curious as to why Eva says they have grown up practically like servants. The old clothes can refer to hard times and bad trade, but why doing chores that non-existant servants should do? Why do they not have servants when evidently there are several courtiers?
On to the muster of nights, lords, and various vassals across the kingdom to face this unknown of the Black Line, arriving one night to leave the next day might be a little difficult. Consider the wagons for supplies, the organization of the various legions of fighters who have loyalties to their lords. I am not saying it cannot be done, but take into consideration the viablities.
There are a few typos, but that's not uncommon for many of us. Next time you work through I am certain you'll see them.
Is your audience to be the teen and tween readers, the Young Adult audience? If so, you have an excellent start to this story. It holds many characteristics of a fantasy Young Adult novel (similiarly aged main characters with which the reader can easily identify for one example). It is also a very popular field in publishing.
To sum up, this is a very fine story that certainly has a lot more to tell. Consider the world and populace you are creating: traditions, history, culture.
A very poignant and far reaching poem, it has a nice balance between broad perspective and personal reflection. Your use of punctuation is perfect. I only have two...well, questions really more than possible changes:
1. The first, second, and third stanzas have a great strong, spartan beginning with the first two words serving noun/verb (darkness creeps, stars punch, thoughts fly) but you chose not to continue that method in the fourth stanza by adding an adjective. Did you feel it better that the waves be lonely? That is an interesting juxtaposition as waves, visually, are rarely alone.
2. The choice of your last word for two reasons -- it seems slightly out of place, but that might be intentional to give the poem a punch; the other reason is a person, not to be crude, does get some use from one even if they cast him or her aside later. The universe though seems even less acknowledging of an individual existence, but that's just my opinion.
I will definitely be reading more of your material, as I enjoyed the expression and visualization here.
I very much enjoyed reading this story. You have a fine use of imagery and description never going too far one way or the other.
A few items you might want to review:
Third paragraph - using the word "destiny" twice in reference to both men without an obvious acknowledgement that you meant to do so. As in, "Mr. X was destined to destroy Evil Incarnate B. He knew Evil Incarnate B also had a destiny..." Does that make sense? Both men may be destined for their roles in life, but the second "destined" is weakened by its quick use after the first.
Another key issue I had was when Brother fell and supposedly "that was the last thing he heard before he slumped to the floor defeated." I have some minor issue with him surviving the attack, but the major problem I have is when you stated "he was maddened with rage at what he had been hearing" and attacked. The not hearing and then hearing seems like a contradiction. Examine that area again, because at the point he falls we are with and in his perception of things.
A similiar point is Ragnas, while having blade in hand, it specifically states that this web-like substance clung to every part of him and bound him to his spot. How did he maneuver his hand or body enough to hack through the webbing? Perhaps make it more the webbing surpressed his motions, but not necessarily so firmly stuck. He would still have trouble defending himself, but a distraction that occurs later would be sufficient for him to maneuver his way to cutting free.
I like the predicament these characters face and the revelation of a master plotter that one character anticipates and the other does not, further building up differences within similarities. A good chapter of the work.
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