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121 Public Reviews Given
137 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Free  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (5.0)
So true! Cats own everything, time, people, attention,.... You captured "Cat." Of course, what you didn't capture is the cat mentality. Watch an episode of "Rick and Morty." Cats think like Rick.


Great job!


The Jackster


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like it. So true. One thing that you might consider. Finish the contrast you started with the leaf. You say that confidence built on ignorance is a leaf easily blown. So, what is confidence built by failure? Maybe the oak that bends and sways but never gives way. I was ready for that image, but was left jarred by a dream becoming rational belief. But, that's just me and my mental ears. ;)

The Jackster


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28
28
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
I get it, and I like the message. More people should think like you do. But, #2 strikes me a bit off key. Maybe if we loved ourselves more, we would change rather than remain the same. I think the rest of your points are pointing out the changes that occur when we do take care of ourselves. Maybe you have something else in mind, and if so, maybe you could word it such that the idea of remaining the same is not confused with positive change.

Regards,

Jack


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review of The Quest  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ok, so let's just be friends. No, not those dreaded words. And, you mean you really like Derick better than me?! Noooooooo! Great poem. Only one small consideration....If I'd only fallen for this girl for a few "days gone by" I'm not sure I would have found myself worshipping her. Is there some way to give an idea of a greater, more reasonable, passage of time that would lead to the final despair? I'm not going to despair over someone I've only known a few days.


Have a great day.....


Jack


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
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Review of RUNNING SCARED  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the poem. Clearly sad, depressing, at a loss for understanding. There is one thing that I would ask you to consider, but this is your poem..... My heart is breaking for you as I read the first three stanzas. When I get to the fourth, however, I get a discordant jolt from the image of a rainbow in the sky coupled with an echo in the next line. Rainbows evoke happiness, promises. I would have been "Fantastic!" if you had referenced your pieces swept away by some river in a canyon of loneliness where echoes would be expected. Just a happy thought..... ;)


Jack


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

Technically, the writing is good, but I have two comments for you to consider, the easier one first:

1) The piece has the feel of a Wikipedia entry. If that is what you were trying to achieve, you did it.

2) You make a bold claim without acknowledging someone like Tom Brady. I was a Joe Montana fan back in the day, and I would have held the same opinion 20 years ago. Now, I think I've lived to see someone better, and I think there are many people like me. Therefore, for me to take your piece seriously, I need to see you make the case for Montana in light of Brady's achievements. I would be interested in reading a compelling argument comparing and contrasting those two. Otherwise, without acknowledging someone who has a comparable record, your piece reads like that of a die-hard fan boy who holds irrational devotion no matter who rivals your hero.

Regards from an old Montana fan,

The Jackster


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review of A Sacred Place  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello,

I like your piece. It is appropriate for this time of year. I always find it hard to comment on such a piece because I question whether it is really published for comment or only for a rating. Who would dare criticize, even constructively, a religious piece? Nevertheless, here we go....

Overall, I think you only need a little polishing. Go back through your piece and make it a challenge to get rid of 50% of your prepositional phrases. Also, you have a cliché I think you need to change: "We know not what a day will bring forth...." Worn out.

Finally, you make a bold claim in the beginnning that may not be true. You state, "The cross declares to all who pass, 'this is a Sacred place.'" This may be true for you, but do other people think about sacredness? Maybe they should, maybe we want them to, but maybe they don't. Therefore, I would consider some other observation that is more probable, but still valid. Maybe try the idea of a memorial; a cross marking a death is surely that.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Jackster


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review of Gold Mining  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

Great words of wisdom. I true, and I assume it is, then you were blessed. I have only three "polishing" comments. Look back through you piece and think about where you might put a comma around the word "but." Also, I would move the first four sentences of your last paragraph to the end of the previous paragraph. The move will make for a better transition between what happened that day when your mother complimented the woman and your future contemplation. Finally, punctuation....last paragraph, first sentence (one of the ones to move)....

"Thank you," she said timidly.

Good piece of work.....

Merry Christmas,

The Jackster


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Review of Lost Love Found  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I like the effort you put into your writing. Overall, it is technically correct. You have few grammatical errors. (I would have added a few commas in some places, maybe after the introductory clauses of your first two sentences.) What's left to criticize (constructively)? Style. I recommend you go back through your piece and try to eliminate 50% of your prepositional phrases. No doubt, some are needed, but many only take the shine off vibrant writing.

Merry Christmas!

The Jackster


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
35
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (3.0)
Oh, how you almost had me weeping with the memories of my sons who I never wanted to grow up. That was until the last line, the cliché, like the startling sound of dropped dishes hitting the floor in the middle of a romantic dinner. "Like sands through the hourglass so are the Days of Our Lives" I can still hear my mother watching that soap opera so many years ago.

You get it. Change it.

The Jackster


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
36
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Review of SHE  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmmmm..... Regardless of the quibbles I might have before you lost her, I found myself wishing I had found someone like that, regretting that I was fooled by an imposter who entered my heart. Whether it was my love blindness or her vile deceit that granted her entry, she ripped apart my inner sanctum. Time heals, scars fade, but trust in another is always guarded, never so freely granted as you describe. Oh, I wish.

Anyway, you tugged on my heartstrings, but then when you lost her, you lost track of some of your verb tenses, and your prose started clanging in my ears with cliché. Let's not mix galaxies with lost limbs in the next sentence. The two are not on the same plane.

Be good,

Jack


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
37
Review of Death of an Actor  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

This is a refreshing piece of writing. You captured me with genuine feelings of ambition, attempt, failure, and rebirth. It makes me pull for you.

Overall, you write well. Nevertheless, I would consider a few things:

1) Too many ";" sentences.
2) Try a different word for the "perchance" in the second usage. Great word for one use.
3) I would try using a present tense perspective in your ending.
4) Your first three paragraphs are first person, singular. Then, in your fourth, you jump to a plural....another person yet to be introduced, your sister. A little confusing. Maybe introduce her earlier?

Anyway, nits. Good job!

David Burke (Jack Stone)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
38
38
Review of The Package  
Review by David Burke
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello,

I like the premise, the story, and the twist at the end. I think the only thing you need to consider are the details, the polish. Consider the following:

1) The first sentence seems awkward, too complicated for a beginning. Why do we need to know about a long week, the name of your boss, or your fight through rush hour? These are all reasons why you are coming home tired and cranky, but I felt like I had to focus on those details rather than the emotional state you were in. So, why not say something like, "I finally ended the week, tired and cranky, after a fight with my boss and an hour in traffic. The only thing between me and a glass of wine to relax was a brown paper package I found on my doorstep."

2) Some of your transitions from place to place in your story could be more fluid. For example, you start two paragraphs with "I opened the fridge..." and "I moved to the table..." then later "I opened the cover...," another paragraph start.

3) Your choice of words in your last paragraph might be better. Consider, "I stormed out of the room, but couldn't help noticing my reflection in the hallway mirror. My heart sank as vanity revealed itself. I walked back into the kitchen, picked up the book, sat down and began to read."

I am sure you will find other improvements in word choice as you edit. I used to have a philosophical debate at work about what made a piece of furniture, basically the old form or function debate. Is it the rough sawn lumber put together without finish or was it the finish we most value?

Happy writing,

David


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
39
39
Review by David Burke
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

I like the article, poignant. Your emotion is credible. There is only one thing I ask you to consider. The first two paragraphs seem somewhat awkward. For example, as a reader, and at this point in your narrative, I have no idea what a push is, why you lost your job, or why it would be hard for you to get out of bed. You might want to introduce your consternation first. The job loss and lethargy are consequences. And, why wouldn't they be? That's the rest of the story you write, and do so very well.

I hope you have some other outlet that brings you more satisfaction than teaching.

Regards,

David


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
40
40
Review of Battlefield  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

Really nice. You do well with the repetition, the imagery, and the rhyme. The progression of the "story" also works well. Finally, the content matches what we know without being syrup. We know war is hell, that they rage, that souls are tortured. You used all these "worn out" terms in a refreshing way.

Good job,

David


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
41
41
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for your piece. I took something away from it that I will consider. If you are truly an English professor, you can take some satisfaction that you caused a reader to consider the meaning of a poem. If you are a charlatan, then you can laugh.

I'll assume you are the former. Well done. It only goes to prove that writing without context may be lost on the ignorant. I'm reminded of Thomas Foster's "How to Read Literature Like a Professor." Basically he said that we have to consider that all writing is the sum total of the author's experience. So, we have to try to understand the author and the imagery.

Given that I still fall in the category of those who need help with such context, I can speak with authority that you did a wonderful job helping me appreciate words that I would have otherwise quickly read and dismissed. Bravo!

Thank you,

David Burke


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42
42
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (5.0)
Much better.

Regards,

David
43
43
Review of A Life Unlived  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very well written and engaging. Here are a few things you might consider. There were some places where the words you chose, while ok by definition, seemed to clash with the others in the piece. For example, you reference a walk-way, a merry-go-round, monkey bars, a ship, all simple things that evoke pleasing thoughts. Then, you use the word "apparatuses." This word has a technical feel that is out of place with the rest of the piece. You used "a large structure," another descriptor that seems too technical. Why not delete them? The next thing to consider is your sentence about man coinciding with nature. I like the idea, and my mind was wondering a spit second before I read what you would say, but a couple of your things seemed odd. I get the smell of the grill and the diesel exhaust wafting on the air as examples of man's intrusion, but the smell of rotting leaves and wet dirt bring no sense of man to me. They seem natural whether man exists or not. Perhaps you could describe something like the sound of a train mixing with woodpeckers. I get that. Finally, the last paragraph is long. It is hard enough to follow the back and forth between your dream and reality. While this may be necessary, the long paragraph makes that harder, and I almost wanted to stop. (Readers are lazy bums.) All in all, these are nits. Clearly, you spent a lot of time on this. I'm only talking about polishing.

Regards,

David


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
44
44
Review by David Burke
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello,

I often read these pieces and wonder what the writer wants from the review, whether a review of the subject, the content, or the grammar. Faults in any one area will trash a piece. I'm also curious what you want from the reader. Do you want the reader to feel something? Or, are you desiring to educate them in some way? Maybe both? I don't know; I can't tell.

As for your subject, it is old and worn. Note, I deliberately left off the word "out." We humans never grow tried of reflecting on the meaning of life and our place in it. That being the case means that you have to do a great job with the topic because you're competing with philosophers and dreamers who've also dealt with the subject. So, what makes your piece rank with theirs? What new are you offering? Why should we readers care? (You tell me; I can't answer this question. Are you happy with it?)

Regarding content, I think you are all over the map. No doubt, your life is yours. The Bible is heavy, and that is OK. In fact, Joel, being the Word of God, carries more weight than anything else, and that brings me to the point of the quotes. Bible vs. a movie? No contest, and too many movie quotes.

I don't really concern myself with the grammar aspect because you've not grabbed me with the content. Again, I, like so many others, am easily captured by the subject. But, having read so many others on the same subject, I find myself comparing yours to those, and there is no comparison. Sorry. Now, we're back where I started. I don't know what you expected. Maybe you just wanted to take a challenging topic and wanted to throw words at it, hoping some would stick, and that would make you feel good. If so, then disregard what I've written because it is far too critical in that context. If, however, you were seriously trying to write something that grabs the reader, you need to try again, and think.

Regards,

Jack Stone
45
45
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (5.0)
Touching. I can relate. You've probably written something that anyone who has ever thought about writing can relate to. And, you come across as genuine. Isn't that what good writing evokes? A since of sincerity? Something that makes the reader want to continue reading?

If so, then you already know that although you've put it out here to be read, it isn't really here for a critique. Otherwise, you would have capitalized the words at the beginning of your sentences. You would have known the difference between taping and tapping. Is it don or doff? Can I even discern?

So, yes, good job. You have a great topic, a narrow focus, and a heart for what you've written. Rewrite it five times if you want a critique. Research your words. Eliminate unnecessary words. Sleep on it for two weeks. Then, put it back out here for comments. Make it the best it can be. Again, you've got the spark.
46
46
Review by David Burke
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nice reflective piece. Also encouraging. The ending was a nice loop back to your opening question. There are small details that I find distracting, things that are easily corrected. Primarily tenses. And, you also seem to want to write in an old English style, but you are inconsistent. So, you might drop it. For example, you write the following:

"Quietly, and in fate I had come to accept this as part of my being.
Perhaps it is my fate, sealed and cast in stone.
Day and night have I cried, for reprieve and solace; yet I received none.
Or so I thought…"

I think had should be have. I cannot relate to "Quietly, and in fate". What is in fate? I would leave it as "Quitely, I have come to ...." You are going to use the word fate again in the next line. Two fates that close together is a distraction anyway. Finally, why not just say, "Day and night I have cried for...." Much easier to read.

Anyway, you did a good job.

Keep writing!
47
47
Review by David Burke
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked your piece. It spoke to me because I've started and stopped journaling several times over the last 20 years. I may try it again after having read your article. There you go. Your work had an affect.

What would I change? The vulgarity in step 3 is unnecessary. Clearly, you are trying to punctuate the topic with impact, but you've effectively swatted a fly with a 2 X 4. Up until that point, I would have gladly shared your piece with a child. After all, you start out telling us that you started at eleven. Both children and adults are smart enough to have figured out what you saying without your f*** in the face. Got it?

But, that's me. You got your point across. And, you writing is good. Tight. Interesting.

Good job!
48
48
Review by David Burke
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like what you wrote, because it is believable. And, I can personally related to your experiences. No doubt, the majority of us older readers can remember our first dance, the loss of a friend who died too young, and the end of our high school years.

So, what can be improved? I think you need to find a way to add punch. Although you've captured many emotions, you've done so in a way more intellectual than emotional. Your choice of words seem somewhat flat, statements of fact. Look back through the piece and count the number of descriptions of your feelings. There are relatively few. Think about you might write the piece using more color, telling us how the experiences made you feel, how they moved you, how they made you think.

For example, and recognize this will be weak....only for illustration...

"It was the year 2000, only a date marking a new millennium for many, but a date that changed me forever."

vs.

"The year 2000 was a bit of a milestone for me. Not merely just the beginning of a new decade, a new century, and a new millennium, that particular year was of particular significance to me."

Perhaps I'm biased, but my opening sentence makes me want to know what happened to you compared to your opening that generates little curiosity if all I'm going to read about is something of significance.

Re-read the piece. Ignore me if I'm off base.

Completely different topic......

I left my small town after my high school graduation and never really had a reason to go back to that "home", because my parents moved to a different town while I was in college. Today, I'm 54. I went back to my home town last week and found that many of the places that formed me, the places where I found my greatest joys as a child, are gone. No one would know where the old swimming pool once was where I spent my summers. Houses now sit where the pool was. A church now uses the building that was once the public library where my mother took me for summer reading clubs. The tennis courts where I learned to play tennis are now somewhere beneath the corner of a new school building foundation. Businesses that were supposed to be there forever have been shuttered, only places for ghosts. I believe we all long to go home, but home is in the memories you hold.

Be good,

Jackstone
49
49
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (3.0)
I liked the topic. Drinking wine is one of those mysterious pleasures. I think most people pretend to know what they are doing as they maneuver their way through myriad unnecessary complexities involving different wine glasses, whether wine breathes, how to pour it, sip it, etc. What is the big deal? It is a drink in a bottle. Pour it in any glass, and drink it. Now, that's a thought.

But, alas, most approach wine with some trepidation. This is why your piece is relevant. That being said, I felt like your first two paragraphs were headed in the right direction, capturing your emotion that went with the mystery of the drink, but I felt your last paragraph veered toward the clinical description I would find in an encyclopedia. And, the last sentence was an abrupt close. Read it again, and see what you think.

Hey, pour some wine in a washed out jelly jar, take a swig, and let me know if it tastes any different. :)

Jackstone
50
50
Review of The Sirens.  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very good. I see only a few things you might consider changing to strengthen your verse. I think some contrast in the third stanza would be appropriate:

All is not as it seems,
though the Sirens dance,
and their eyes do gleam.

This helps us imagine what belies the dance and gleaming eyes.

In the fourth stanza, I suggest you modify sailor differently to make the poem clearly about the reader who is the sailor:

Its all an act,
to draw you in.
to catch you, sailor,
so they can win.

The last stanza was a puzzler to me. I was Wow!, up until this point, then you wrote "head my warning" instead of "heed my warning". What?! Someone of such imagination and good writing make such a blunder???? You're supposed to laugh now. Just correct it.
But, I still don't like the last stanza. The sentence structure is wrong for the warning. What is the warning? You've offered a statement of fact rather than a warning. How about something like this:


So heed my warning,
When a temptress draws near.
Lower your eyes,
and close your ears.

Again, great work!

Regards,

Jack Stone


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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