This is an interesting piece. You do a good job with the imagery. But, you need some punctuation between the independent clauses, and you need more than one long paragraph, especially given that you change topics/thoughts. Although I like the imagery, I think the flow of your reflection from the general sense of being, of memory, to being on a murderous rampage against a spider is jolting. What is the point? I feel you need to close with something that complements the opening more than feeling sick and taking a nap. You could have felt that way about killing a spider two days ago. Tell us what makes it remarkable 22 years later. Good bones!
Touching piece. I always find it difficult to give feedback on something that may be true and have emotional sensitivities to the author, but you asked. First, you evoke emotions. That is good. But, I find it difficult to believe. I have two sons, and I know that neither of them could retain the vivid details of memory you suggest for a 4-year old. I've often asked them what they remember from their early childhood and compared it to my memories and capabilities, but no where near to what you've described. Of course, this problem is easy to correct by advancing the age to 10 - 12. I also think it would be more reasonable for a 10-year old to deal with a kite than a 4-year old. At 4, I was trying to convince my sons to hang on to their helium balloons.
You have a problem with the last sentence of your second paragraph......not a sentence.
I think you have a lot of "extra" unnecessary things going that cause minor distractions to your main thrust. For example, you could have probably deleted the sentence "It was a long summer without Grandma...." Most readers already know you feel that way without your having to remind them. The sentence almost makes me want to know more about it after you put it in, and then I get no more....a let down. Another unnecessary line, "I don't remember a lot of what went on at that time." We the readers wouldn't expect you to, and we don't need to be reminded of the obvious.
Again, I think it is a good piece, but you should try removing as much unnecessary stuff as possible by asking yourself what is obvious to your readers and what is essential to communicate.
I like the first paragraph. You have a crisp, tightly focused, situation that makes the reader want to find out about these dreams becoming reality. (There is a drawback to what you've written. Isn't this the same type of thing that happens in the "Final Destination" movies? You don't want to be a copycat.)
But, in the second paragraph you've blown up the story in so many different ways, it will be hard to contain. These different directions become too distracting. In one paragraph you are asking the reader to consider the character being abused, raised in a foster home, having a boyfriend, chased by a lesbian, being pregnant, fear of dying, all on top of the dream stuff. I think you would have been far better off to have had a fairly normal character with only the dream problem. That's a big enough problem for anyone to cope with without having to deal with a host of other unbelievable problems.
This is a good start and has potential, but you need to tighten it up and you need to provide a little more context to make it a stand alone piece. Here are couple of examples of where you need to make it more crisp:
"The slamming of the door ended the conversation."
This might be better like this,
"The slamming door ended the conversation." or "The door slammed, ending the conversation." or, "The door slammed. I stood alone."
Another:
"When he had collected himself, he knocked on her door again, hoping against hope that maybe he could change how this ended right here."
Maybe,
"He collected himself and knocked again, fighting back a sense of despair."
As to context, you introduce the reader to a very narrow situation and assume that it will hold their attention. What am I talking about?
We have to rely on our well worn, and now tired, memory of a genie and a lamp. Nothing exciting here. Then, we have a worn out story about boy breaks up with girl, says something he regrets, begs forgiveness, and gets girl after saying the L word. This, too, is a tired concept.
Was this worth my time reading about this? My answer is no, unless you tell me what makes this particular girl special. Or, what makes the genie special? What makes the boy special?
Perhaps you could have started the story by acknowledging that we will have to use our imagination to fill in the blanks. For example, "Mike stared at the cracked genie lamp in the floorboard of his car. He wondered whether it would be worth another try dealing with the psychotic genie of the lamp." Now, I'm thinking this might be about a different genie than what's in my imagination. I'm curious and want to hear more.
I'll stop here. I give you a worn out piece of advice and encouragement. Remember that the beauty of writing is in the rewriting.
This is an interesting piece because I'm left wondering what purpose it serves. It is like a few melodic measures of music out of a much larger composition. When one hears them without the larger context, one thinks, "Yeah, ok, nice." Then, it is forgotten. Is that all this piece is supposed to be, a tickle, a tease?
You provide some nonsensical conclusion outside the presupposition of agreement from your readers. For example, "...the same, over and over again until finally it all tumbles down into an inevitable and certain demise..." Given that I have pretty good days at the office, I don't relate to such a blanket statement of depression. If you had provided more context for the reader, then you might be able to sway them to buy into your argument. Otherwise, as written, you appear shallow to assume that everyone would relate. Those of us who don't, dismiss the argument.
Please understand, I'm not saying this is a bad piece. Rather, I'm suggesting that you provide more context. It might be as easy as using a question.........
Maybe you could have started the second paragraph with something like the following:
"I ask myself, "Is this all we do? Have we given up our freedom of thought? Do we even know? Everyday seems the same to me, the back and forth, the over and over again. I leave feeling an inevitable and certain demise, there I stay, clinging to a fictional life raft. Am I alone?"
Now, that brings me into your poor pathetic world. ;)
I think this a great piece, especially for children. You surprised me, though, be starting off pretty strong with your grammar and punctuation. Then, toward the middle, the punctuation and spelling starts to slip. Why?
So, I'm telling you that you have a diamond in the rough. You've got to cut it right and polish it. Here are some examples of errors that I saw:
“Then proof it says the other chickens, lay a round egg for us to see.” ("Proof" should be "prove")
Sherry begins to grunt, groan, shake. While all the other chickens watched. (This should have been one sentence. The second fragment is distracting.)
After dinner that day, I decided to name this stump after Sherry. The chicken who thought she was perfect. (No quotation marks. This is Grandpa talking.)
Do you know anyone who thinks they’re perfect? (Who is asking this question? The author? Grandpa? If the author, this is awkward, because the author is not part of the story. If Grandpa, then the sentence needs to be punctuated with quotation marks.
There are other things like these examples. Try to find them and then correct them.
I like this piece. Now, not be encumbered with being a poet, I have license to critique something I know nothing about......
What if....
Dusty Light drifting slowly through open windows
Cluttered wooden table tops
Dishes in the sink from the night before
Wine glasses, pizza crusts, crumbs on the floor
Silent tranquillity, remnants of a night of laughter
Oh sweet memories the morning after
I will dare to provide feedback to someone who has gotten rave reviews, and deserving ones at that. Your piece was hilarious, and I would bet to be true. There were only a couple of place I would quibble over...
"grab two gallons of 2%, quickly look" I would have added "and" after the comma.
"One more look over my shoulder ... No one yet, and make my way to the paper towels. If I have to I can roll this at their feet as they try to cuff me. They'll be piled up like cord wood while I make my escape! " In this construct, the grammar doesn't quite hold. If we delete "No one yet", then One more look over my shoulder and make my way to the paper towels" That doesn't work. Perhaps, "One more look over my shoulder...No one yet, so I make it safely to the paper towels." And what exactly are you going to roll to trip up someone, the cart, the paper towels, the Folgers?
One last nit, I think you ought to introduce the fact that you think you've committed a crime worth being arrested. Although I think it is funny and can relate to you about not wanting to be embarrassed, it is a stretch for me to imagine being concerned about being arrested. So, don't ask the reader to share your paranoia. Tell us that it hit you that hard.
Remember, I said this is a great piece....see the score...but I will give you honest feedback.
I'm reviewing this as if it is a draft that you desire to finalize before sending to the desired audience. I rated it low because your piece reads like someone screaming with emotion. The words and sentences are chopped, words are slurred, and the grammar is lacking just like someone that loses control in an argument. The following excerpts from your piece evidence my critique:
"He is a little spoiiled" [spoiled]
"...and i for..." [missing capitalization"
"The bible tell us this." [verb should be plural]
I believe you are sincere in your message, But, when you write something to make your point, it is important to pay attention to the details or you will lose credibility. For example, you are taking your critics to task for criticizing homeschooling. As written, your critics will point to your errors in this piece and say, "Voila!, you see, the homeschool advocate writes in an uneducated style." They will be right, and you will lose.
Please take this as encouragement. Tone down the emotion, get the grammar right, and tighten up the sentence structure. It will be more powerful.
One other thought.......look how you opened the piece. You state your name, that you homeschool, and then immediately repeat back people's thoughts regarding homeschooling Michael. The problem here is that you have yet to introduce him in the piece. The reader will be confused.
I've rated your piece low. The rating has nothing to do with the subject. Clearly, your grandmother is a good person. Your grammar is pretty good, although some sentences could be tighter. My reaction is based on your calling this a prologue. I expect a prologue to grab my attention, to make me want to read further, but you provide too much detail that distracts. Here's the type of opening that would grab me.......and it could be done many ways:
"This is the story of a woman, a woman who has lived for 90 years. Her story is one of love, loss, heartache, and triumph, a story of faith in God, and a story that inspires. She lost her mother when she was only a young girl, lost her father to suicide, was rejected by family and left to grow up in an orphanage, but she overcame it all. She went on to be the mother of 9 children, loving them through life's trials. Who is this woman? This is the story of my grandmother."
This is still crude, but it gives you an idea for a more dramatic, crisper opening. Having provided the hook, you can get into all the gooshy detail later in the book, or essay.
Good writing and good imagination, but things on this web site are beginning to get to me.......
What is it with all the depressing writing? Why the end of the world? Why all the poems, none of yours I'm aware of, about suicide? This site has some of the most depressing themes.
Now, one could say that the authors are trying to touch the essence of being. I don't know. Keep it in mind.
I really like this poem. It is much better than most of the Newbie pieces. I tell everyone that once you have something this well done, the critique is more for consideration rather than identification of glaring errors. So, here we go......
The first 6 stanzas are great, nothing vague.
Stanza 7 you lose me with the "I make the phone call and return". It is not an experience I can relate to. Who are you phoning? Why? This is out of place with the specificity you supplied earlier and what comes later.
Stanza 8 is not as smooth. It seems you got wrapped up trying to use the word "dreams" and the rhythm gets choppy.
Stanza 9 your back on track
In stanza 10 I would somehow close the poem by retaining the claim that you are the best friend rather than stating that you come to realize you aren't the best friend. That would provide a more complex response for the reader. Otherwise, why not say in the first stanza, "I am not your best friend"? Then, everything that comes afterward would make the reader think, "Wow, it sounds like she's the best friend" Then, Wam!, it comes into focus.
Again, these are just considerations. As with all poetry, it is usually cryptic, and the author may be trying for the stated effect.
I give you an A for imagination, but you've got to ask yourself why you're writing and posting. What is the purpose, to have someone read and be entertained? Provoke thought?
This piece reads like you are writing free form, a draft. There are punctuation errors, misspellings, e.g., "o", and poor sentence structures. And, there are no paragraphs to separate the thoughts. These types of things are a great distraction for a reader, and frankly, a turn-off for anyone reading to critique the piece. What is there to critique in poor writing? I'm not trying to be mean, this is just the impression I get when reading your piece.
Again, I question the motive behind your writing. If you were to submit this for publication, an editor would not accept it. Remember, the beauty in writing is in the rewriting.
Clearly, you have passion for the one you love, but your piece reads like two poems jammed together. You've got the first 5 stanzas that use the seasons of the year as metaphor. Beware, this is pretty well worn imagery, not very original. Be that as it may, it had my mind geared to expect more of this imagery. But, I didn't get it. This imagery was abandoned for more traditional verse.
Very good. I had only one reservation, no pun intended, but pretty good, don'tcha think? ;)
This line, "...exhaustion forcing me into a night in a spanish speaking hotel ...."
seems to lose some of the rhythm because of the, "into a night in". The two "in" sounds distract. Maybe you could write it, "exhaustion forcing me into a spanish speaking hotel". I think everything still holds.
Once you've got something this good, it is all about polishing. You can take or leave just about anything anyone has to offer.
Good thoughts, but choppy. It is ok to use a few sentence fragments, but you used too many in these few paragraphs. Also, you need to watch the punctuation. In some places you used commas instead of the semi-colon. Likewise, you used a semi-colon where you should have used a comma.
I think the last paragraph is very thin and worn out. We've all heard about a time for a fresh start and about being all we can be. The way you've structured this piece, it leaves the reader to believe the last paragraph is going to be a climax.
You've got a good thing going, but I think it needs a little polish. First, I'm not a poet, so take it all in consideration. On with the critique......
I think you've got a few verb tense issues. In the first line "had no more tomorrows", I thinkwould read better "have no more tomorrows". The reader has every reason to think you will have them. Same issue in the last three lines. What is another tomorrow? A different tomorrow? In the last line you should be wishing every tomorrow is like today because your poem is written in the present tense.
I think drifting back and forth between contractions and formality can be distracting, e.g., I will and I'll.
Finally, I would change the line "The loving of its touch" to "The loving touch"
I'm rating this higher than I normally would because I am adding a vision in my mind to help out the writing style. I see an old Indian telling this story to the young ones as they sit around a campfire one night.
Delete "and it sheered and it coiled". This phrase is like missing a beat in the rhythm.
Beware this is very close to a story that has been told many times about a snake biting a boy who befriended it. When the boy asked the snake why he had bitten him, the snake told the boy that it was his nature to do so. The snake reminded the boy that the boy knew that before he picked him up.
Again, I must say this is a good piece of writing. It is the second thing that I've read of yours. I like the fact that your grammar is good, you pay attention to spelling, and you are pretty tight with the words. Now, I gave you a 4.5 because of the number of semi-colons you used. Picky, picky. But, if we water down a 5, then what is it worth? After all, this is just one opinion.
For sure, reading your material beats reading newbie work. If they read your stuff, they would understand why I grade them low. They think I'm harsh.
I like this piece. It has good flow and provides imagery. Not too wordy.
Recommendation for the opening paragraph.....I think you are redundant in your statements about having a tiring week. You open with that, there is a second sentence, and then you depend upon that statement of weariness again to get into your need for a compliment. Therefore, get rid of that "It had been a difficult time at work that week," and use another transition. This will make it tighter.
Finally, in your last paragraph, first sentence, you use a present tense "point is well taken" rather than past tense. I think it should be past for your piece.
First, I'm not a poet, but I like poetry. So, take that into consideration when reading my critique.
I think you've got something. Clearly, your reviewers to date like what you've written. I do too, but I want to challenge you. On with the critique......
I like the first two stanzas and the last three stanzas. Those stanzas pack a lot of truth about the power of words and the importance of choosing the right ones in our speech or in our writing. The stanzas in between these get in the way of this message. They are a focus on you. Who cares about you? That's not the message of the poem. These stanzas read like a caveat to your message. So, think about deleting the references to yourself and sticking to the theme. I think it will be a much more powerful piece.
I do give you credit for good rhyme and tempo.
I couldn't have done it.
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