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Review Requests: ON
236 Public Reviews Given
237 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My review style is informal and encouraging of writer's development.
Favorite Genres
I enjoy Realistic Fiction, Thrillers and love a good plot twist.
Least Favorite Genres
R rated
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Essays, Scripts, Letters
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of The expert  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sumojo
I wanted one more piece to read before bed tonight, so hit the Read&Review button for another 'lucky dip' - and the site served me up your snobby connoisseur. Excellent!

*Glass**Bottles**Bottle4**Bottles2**Glass*


You nailed the prompt and are still bringing smiles to your adoring readers...

Prost!
Hope
102
102
Review of Until I depart  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Wandering Thoughts
I found your work through the Read&Review link, a poem!

The title was a tad ominous, so I braced myself for bad news as I began to read. It was nothing tragic, though, phew, I was relieved!

You have placed some lovely understandings here, my favorite is definitely that first paragraph.

I was a bit confused as to why Wandering Thoughts were capitalised (were those words from prompt, perhaps?)

And the second thing that confused me was:

within my internal mental construct,
My dreams are trapped for all to see.

Which sounds like dreams stuck in your mind, in which case nobody can see them. Is there an edit needed here to clarify what you actually mean?

Your repetition of the final sentence has a rather hymn-like quality, which feels apt given the talk of ultimate departure. It does not feel morbid, though, with that promise of keeping on working on your craft, which I was happy to read.

Keep writing!
*Butterfly2W*
Hope



103
103
Review of The Last Goodbye  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi TheactualTreasure

I found your item through the Read&Review link, and noticed you are quite new here. Welcome from another newbie!

Your tale about a girl going through the shock of a breakup has a great use of language to help the reader grasp the strong emotions of the moment. There are only two spoken words in this scene, this creates great drama.

My only critique is, that on first read it feels like she just learns of the breakup halfway through this text. Which makes it feel like she takes a couple of minutes walking to be over him.

On my second read however, a penny dropped, and I realised that she was reminiscing of the breakup right from the start of this scene (possibly months later.) Which makes much more sense to the 'raising from the ashes'.

I would like to recommend, then, that you figure out a way to reveal the timing of her memory in relation to the present moment. Perhaps you can do it by mentioning seasons? She might remember the summer flowers around that bench when they broke up. But show her as currently dressed in her winter coat, remembering.

I love that your moral is 'growing in strength to come through a sense of loss'.


*Butterfly2W*
Hope
104
104
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi tracker
Congrats on getting your second story written, I saw you called for a review too; and so here you find me.

I enjoyed your tale, with warm recollections about your cousin Linda. The comment about the dolls 'being 65 now' was impressive, and a nice way of showing not telling the cousins' approximate ages.

The section about needlework and cotton was an enjoyable introduction.

Suggestion:
Regarding punctuation, your quoted thoughts would benefit from italics. I double-checked online, and it is indeed an acceptable practise:

"to treat thoughts like other quotations and enclosed in quotation marks. They can also be italicized, without quotation marks. Both of these conventions are common." Source: kidlit.com

Getting into the nitty gritty of your piece is a great story of the school presentation. I wish I could have been there for that lively mock debate. I liked that you both used the Abe quote from different perspectives.

When you mentioned asking a question of Linda, I realised that the scene had shifted and that she was actually visiting at that moment. (To collect the green cotton no doubt!). I'd have liked you to have revealed that detail. It would also 'feel' right to have the cotton again mentioned right at the end of your story, eg with Linda heading off with the cotton, which would nicely tie off your story. (Which you might wonder if you'll get back or if she will lose that too!)

I also loved the music you chose to bring into the story, a tune that will be familiar to many, and in this instance was triggered to be a background song playing in the reader's mind.

Great work!
*Butterfly2W*
Hope
105
105
Review by H❀pe
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Cubby~Happy 24th Birthday, WdC

I love a good limerick, or better yet, two. While if I'm not mistaken, this one is read in an Irish Accent even on Saint Paddy's Day.

And a golden rainbow!

Great humor here, and excellently crafted limericks adhering to the syllabic rules.

*4leaf*
Top of the Morning to You!
106
106
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi MF
I received a review request from you, and am happy to read your piece and provide feedback from my point of view.

You begin your work with the tantalising offering of revealing many secrets behind love.

Overview:
You plainly are devoted to this subject, and have no struggle finding content. I have a strong sense that you have only brushed upon aspects that you could go into far deeper than you have in this article.
Your spelling and grammar is excellent!

Recommendations:
Focus Sections. After reading the full text, my strongest recommendation is to Break up this work into a number of separate focus topic articles. For instance, you mention the physical effect of love, the good and bad. That topic alone would make an excellent article and be large enough for your readers to appreciate.

Turning your work into a series will be beneficial for readers, preventing them from being overwhelmed by information.

Style: Your article is primarily commentary, which is dry reading, but would easily come to life if you share some anecdotes from your own experience. Eg, adding in a number of ‘paragraph long short stories’. Through anecdotes your readers will more easily empathise and ‘feel’ the honesty and truth of your advice.

A sweeping comment: I found one sweeping comment, ie: “Many people won't necessarily…”. Whenever I hear a grouping of people quoted about like this, I feel myself mentally distancing. Natural scepticism kicks in. I suggest you avoid those sorts of statements.

Font size:
I have heard from other writers here that size 4 is preferred (the default is only 3.5), and your article seems even smaller than the default. I recommend you tweak that for us here.

Disembodied Quoted text:
There is one quote in there that has no source:
"The terrifying thing about a love like this is that the same person who makes you feel so indestructible can have the power to shatter you with mere absence."
It’s a good quote, will be better still when we know who said it.

Kudos:
It is great to see such passion for a topic.
I can guess that you might dabble in a bit of poetry too, that part right at the end when you wrote of the chaotic mess being beautiful, was a lovely way to finish the work.

Please take my comments with the good intentions it is offered in. With best wishes for your writing journey.

*Butterfly2W*
Hope
107
107
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Weirdone-Back in the games
I just enjoyed, loved actually, your story in the "Share Your Faith"  forum.

Yours is the first time in my time here at WDC (admittedly I haven't been here long yet) that I have wanted to print out to share with my family.

It is a beautifully written tale sharing a brother's wry view of his sister, written with a very real sense of family heart, and with some excellent pokes of humor. Well placed, because it was getting rather too heart-wrenching, and I as a reader, needed a giggle respite.

I would have been content for the tale to end when the group left the old lady Pritchett's house. I felt a yearning, at that moment, for them to promise to return again next week. But that is left as a mystery to the future.

Your storytelling brought an ache to my heart and a swell of tears to my eyes.

Thank you for sharing this inspiring tale
*Butterfly2W*
Hope
108
108
Review by H❀pe
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi again Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
Today I am reviewing your scifi mystery-murder in reciprocation for your great review of my own first chapter.

Here is where I wish I had a review template, ah, one day my friend.

Overview:
I was delighted as soon as I saw you quoted Machiavelli, it sets a high brow and ominous tone, providing a sense that we are in for an interesting story. Digging in, I began to read.

The tale begins with the first conflict being that a couple has to hide out in a remote and barren location. It is later mentioned that they had been tipped off to a need that they had to hide. Their crime/reason for hiding is implied, not told, to be their illicit love affair.

They converse, sharing travel tales; this gives the reader a further chance to understand the setting. We learn of a barren planet, with place names that are very ‘earth-ish’ and even oversimplified. There is regular mention of the Bible and religious biases that might further explain why they are hiding out. Travel by monorail. During this stage, I understood that the atmosphere must be similar to Earth's.

The Characters
Set from Taggarts POV, we discover him to be a country boy with limited schooling, the son of a church minister, which has a big impact on his knowledge base and how he views things. The clues to the religious beliefs provided seem a bit Mormon-ish. Taggart is very likeable, with a gentle nature; he’s also nervous. It was Taggart who first spotted the trouble nearing.

Kendi, however, is a confident chap, educated, has travelled, and his mother is an academic. His vision seems shaper, though he’d not so worried about keeping a lookout, but then this is not his childhood home. He is still keen to hide from the Flitter, an approaching sky machine. Nice name.

A proper problem arrives. The dumping of the body is where the story develops beyond a simple scene into something far greater. It’s worldly-wise Kendi who first sees this, which fits with his character. Questions flood in for the reader and for the characters in the story.

More please:
There are 2 places I would have enjoyed more input.

“He scrunched closer to his companion, Kendi, whose nearness warmed his body and soul.”

I’d like to know more about their physical interaction while they are just hanging out. Are they both just sitting there? How long were they sitting there for? Were they going to camp out, out there the night, or was it a brief rendezvous? Once I’d ‘met’ them, my mind wanted to know a bit more about the situation.

“ “Sattari, you mean. I agree, he’s a bad one.”

So sure, Sattari ends up dead, but when first introduced I wanted to know why he was marked as ‘a bad one’. It would be a great spot to have one of your protagonists reveal a happening, that would make the reader hate Sattari as much as the young men do.

Of Satari, later you had Tagart think: .”Even if he was a hateful bigot who would have killed both Kendi and Taggart without a second’s thought. Or the least remorse.’ - this information could be bumped into this point of our story, when Sattari’s threat is still very real/current.

A bonus of doing that is that initially, the reader is thinking, ‘Ah, so this is the story's villain’. If it’s hammed up more, the drama of him being found dead a few minutes later is even better.

The Puzzle.
When Kendi rips off those tags and confidently says this could work to our advantage, as a reader I am mystified.

My fresh-to-the-tale mind wonders if he is talking about their original problem. (That of hiding in the Outside).

I’d love a bit more of a clue at this point, but in the very least you have me looking for the next chapter to read!

Technical:
You shall spot one or two typos in your text on your next read-through, the ones I saw were: gleamend, gray and boisonberry.


Kudos:
You have a great strength in ‘showing’ the reader a great deal of information. And the pace of your tale keeps it interesting. (No boring patches in there).

Thankyou for Sharing
109
109
Review of Turkey Trot  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sumojo
I loved this short story, which I found through your "Twenty-three in Eleven "  post.

Being Brian's ex-neighbour (a Kiwi), I enjoyed his point of view. My favorite line was "we in Oz give thanks everyday just for the privilege of living there." *Heart*

And that Tilly is such a witty clever turkey, the end of the story saw her well-deserved redemption. (Although I am now oddly worried how she'll put it off again next year...)

Fabulous!
*Butterfly2W*
Hope
110
110
Review of I am Thankful  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Simply Me
So O navigated to your portfolio and saw that you have recently returned to WDC, which I found warming. It's always nice to hear of someone 'coming back home'.

I selected at random, a piece of yours to read, and discovered this Thankful poem. Though I have only been here a short time myself, I can understand this poetical list of the fine features of writing dot com. The thoughts are punctuated by your refreshed appreciation.

I enjoyed how you carried us through this tribute work. I most especially enjoyed the thought you placed at the ending, that of releasing the gems that were already within.

It made me think of a pearl hidden, just waiting for it's chance to gleam.

Recommendations, I think it would read smoother with switching some of the capitalisations. For instance the E in Ensure (makes it seem like it is a new sentence when it is part of the previous line.)

*Butterfly2W*
warm wishes
Hope
111
111
Review of My little angel  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Sweetgurl29

You have put so much heart into this freeverse poem, my heart aches. The depth of a mother's love, is profound.

There is editing needed. For instance, you have the word cold (cold have beens), instead of could. Revising the placement of full stops and commas will also help this piece, to ensure that your readers pause at the right places and carry on thoughts where you want them to.

You shall see the needed edits on another read-through, although I can appreciate that it will be hard to do without tears blurring.

Warmest wishes
*Butterfly2W*
Hope
112
112
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi The Key Mightier

This is a great tale with its slowly unfolding twist that takes us from a mistakenly-imagined electron laboratory to the edge of a pond.

Two twists to the tale really, for we discover Hinky is not such an absolute authority after all, as his undoing completely undermines him. Poor Hinky.

I would have liked a bit more explanation as to what Hinky saw that upset him though? White flecks are 'like' (so not actually) a cancer. I read that part a few times tying to understand the clues.

Loved the ending to this tale, it made a very strong mental vision, one I could be certain of! Genius.

*Butterfly2W*
Hope
113
113
Review of Good-Bye  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating

This is a powerful presentation.

The poetic form is clear and well-used. In three different ways this person is kicked out, and in the final verse, the expulsion is given a punctuation mark implying a great deal.

You manage to relay a repressed bile for the individual the words are directed at.

Looking for a recommendation, the only thing I would toy with might be altering sour into soured (suggesting it was not always that way)?

Very cool
*Butterfly2W*
Hope
114
114
Review of Pleasure  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi JACE
I came upon your 55-word story via the Read&Review button.

Funnily enough, I'd just read your review of somebody else's word story, which had been my introduction to such a succinct tale.

As must be needed with brevity, you got straight into the tale; though I felt rather creeped out without the usual preamble/foreplay. The creepiness then continued at a pace, I was practically putting my hand over eyes and peeking between digits by the time I got to the punchline-conclusion.

This is the first time that I can recall feeling relieved to see a dentist!

Well done
*Butterfly2W*
Hope
115
115
Review of Shielded heart  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Wisteria

I enjoyed your ferny poetic offering, and how you brought attention to the delicate details. Nature-type poems are so uplifting, and yours felt that to me.

In your description, I saw you intended it to reflect upon human traits as well. I did not see the person described here so much, to me it was all about the fern.

I enjoyed your delicate style.
*Heart*


Oh and did you see there is a brand new newbie poetry competition you might like to enter!
FORUM
The Newbie Poetry Award  (13+)
A poetry contest for members in their first year on Writing.Com.
#2307442 by Kit
116
116
Review of starlit bullet  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Wisteria

You have drawn dramatic pictures in the imagination, punch after punch, gusty prose with big sentiment. The light and dark contrasts repeated in a variety of angles/words.

Excellent!
117
117
Review of Jingle Smells  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi W.D.Wilcox

A great giggle, a ribald take on a Christmas Carol. And written so long ago now, it must already be firmly set into your family's next gen of Xmas singers.

Top marks!
118
118
Review of November...  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi WriterRick

I found your piece through the Bard Hall entry, it appealed to me as I enjoy historical works and saw your mention of poetess Emily Dickinson.

Your opening paragraph is beautiful, truly drawing the reader in with a very poetic style of your own.

It is a very flowing story, but I felt a mental speed bump when your fifth paragraph opens with 'As the weeks passed', which put a time stamp in the piece. I found myself distracted thinking of a date on the calendar ( possibly the 21st) and then my mind wondered if fame for November writings could have come that quickly? While perhaps not everyone would be prompted to think those things, personally I don't think those words were needed, and I'd have preferred to just stay 'in the moment' you'd created.

Which is of course only one persons mental process!

The second thing I wanted to share, was the use of the phrases laconic noons & sterner sunsets). Those are two stand-out thoughts, which I think would be better mentioned just once, as they are so striking/impactful!

But I truly enjoyed this piece. It is a tribute piece isnt it, and you have managed to further share, like a rebounding board, Emilys love of November. *Heart*

*Butterfly2W*
Hope
119
119
Review of Don't Fence Me In  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Writer_Mike
Your industrious poem presented itself to me via the Read&Review link this afternoon.

I enjoyed the topic, being DIY'ers here too - and particularly enjoyed how you showed us your improvisation using random pieces of wood to fix the fence.

You covered ground quickly, managing to fit a lot into not many verses. I appreciate that too, you were not stingy on content!

That punchline at the end was perfectly placed, and surely resonates with industrious men and women everywhere. Though really... who has time to lay in the sun with a pina colada?

*Butterfly2W*
Hope
120
120
Review of A New Start  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi again strlcuckoo

Well this was a treat, to read a poetic tale that follows on (though years later) to your 'Hope' poem where the girl was lost.

The theme is one that surely radiates in everyone's heart. Your rhymes sit nicely, don't feel forced. Then the exuberance of the last line, all in caps, brings the reader in on the expressed elation.

A tale of persistence and dedication (with a bit of daring too) paying off *Heart*

Congrats!
*Butterfly2W*
Hope
121
121
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Eregnon

Loved your story, which is chockablock with justifications for the Wolf's point of view. He makes a charming defendant, unjustly treated by multiple children's stories, with no lawyer daring to represent his hopeless case.

Your thoughts flow on from each other seamlessly, and you draw us to the conclusion in a satisfying way. I can almost see his wolf-faced pout (words I never thought Id say).

Great fun!

*Butterfly2W*
Hope
122
122
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi SSpark

I thought to look at the review requests this morning, and chose yours to read.

After a moment's confusion to what a flytrap was, and how it could be a good thing, I settled into reading about your love of Texas; and childhood memories. You have a conversational style and some great one-liners in there that made me smile as I went. Your description of growing up, and imagined future, then the (unspecified) squadron of monkeys changed that. Just enough detail to activate the reader's mind.

The second part of this chapter would benefit from swapping into a more 'showing' style. I enjoyed the description of house hunting being like looking out the car window as a kid, and the excerpt of the conversation when looking at the website. But more showing in the tale would be even better.

For instance, recreating the conversations when meeting Ricky and Paula, hearing him reveal his plan and how they had changed when he became ill - is a heart-wrenching story in itself and a golden opportunity to show us the look upon his face and reveal how you felt hearing that too.

Showing, rather than telling, is something I am currently working on myself (I'll include a link below that I found useful). The benefit of showing is that it engages the reader more, making them feel like we are there. Showing will help relay the excitement and keep readers turning the pages to the next chapter when your Lodge antics begin.

*Butterfly2W*
Hope



* https://blog.reedsy.com/show-dont-tell/
123
123
Review of No reaction  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi BrooklynnBringsbackstorybooks

Love your introduction, with a twist on the children's chant. You are conjuring a great mood here, of a tortured soul. I am already very interested to know more.

My favourite line is: 'the hand of tears squeezed my throat'.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing here!



*Butterfly2W*
Hope
124
124
Review of On The Way School  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Praveen Kumar

I found your story on the Read a Newbie section.

Wow, exciting, you really built up the tension in your story so the reader knows something bad is going to happen!

I could not stop reading, though I dreaded the worst.

Recommendations:

A couple of words were used unusually. I appreciated your glossary, so understand the definitions used, but think your work would read better with small modifications.

"Because we got into a discord earlier", would read better as "Because we were in discord earlier"

and

"...tea shopkeeper exchanged enigmatic glances..."
I think the word you really need instead of enigmatic is furtive
"...tea shopkeeper exchanged furtive glances..."

Enigmatic (mysterious) is usually used in an alluring way, but you wanted a scarier warning-type look.

My last recommendation is to break your story up into bite-sized paragraphs, this will give your reader a chance to take a mental breath, and nicely space the sections of your story. eg, breakfast and heading out early. The trip on the train. Meeting the strange man. The Hospital episode. And then finally the dramatic ending!

Great story, glad you came through ok!





, and then with the glossary you supplied at the end (thanks!) I could see that English is a second language, and your intent is to expand your vocabulary.

Please let me further explain: 'Discord', apart from rarely being used as 'Disagreemnt'

So may I suggest edits for the words explain that the words Discord and Disagreement are not interchangeable. Nor is Enigmatic and Mysterious.

Discord: Disagreement. (Not the app :/)
Reconciled: To make up and become friends again.
Dilemma: A bad situation where you have to make difficult choices.
Ominous: Feeling that something bad is going to happen.
Eerie: Strange and Frightening.
Enigmatic: Mysterious.
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125
Review of 1956  
Review by H❀pe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Goodmorning jhoffmann
I came to your port by following a notification and then chose a piece to read with my morning coffee.

You drew me into your recollection in a gentle and emotionally descriptive way, and I quickly aligned and enjoyed your writing style.

I appreciated the explanations given to the circumstances around this snapshot of memory, prompted by a certain light shining through blinds. You allowed range for a reader's mind to fill in other imagined details and discover a great deal of empathy for the lonely child.

Empathy is drawn up a great deal in this increasingly sad tale, a sadness that you draw through decades right up to the time of its writing; punctuated with dramatic statements of the unimportance then or at any time.

The finale feels like a call for help echoing through the decades and leaves the reader feeling helpless, which is a difficult point to end with, but suits this misty-moody recollection.

Extremely expressive sentiments.


Warm wishes
*Butterfly2W*
Hope
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