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1,272 Public Reviews Given
1,275 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual, friendly. I'll point out typos when I see them and make suggestions about quality, characters and logic, besides telling you how I feel about the piece.
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Does it make sense? Are the characters well portrayed? What's the overall feel of the piece?
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Poetry, children's, anything rated E
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Anything higher than 18+
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Poems, flash fiction, essays, articles, biographical/personal, etc
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Public Reviews
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for entry "And again" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings from I Write in 2024!

Well, I was quite surprised to realize youā€™ve emptied your book of poetry for the new yearā€¦ but Iā€™m happy to see you transferred them all into a giant compendium for safekeeping. Thatā€™s a creative way to approach the awkwardness of having so many little poems building up year after year. Also, of course, Lilli wants a clean slate each year *Laugh* Iā€™ll have to budget some GPs for a fancy award on mineā€¦ yours look lovely and are well deserved.

I like the gently circular and lyrical feel this piece has. You have a nice way of writing simple poetry which means a lot without going to any great effort. I mean that in a good wayā€¦ I have a tendency to spend very little time on my own poetry, preferring to get it out in an almost stream of consciousness way rather than fussing over meter and rhyme. I feel like itā€™s closer to my heart that way, less trite and more honest.

We can see here the theme of endings and beginnings being so closely connected and never ending, and it reminds me of the sunrise and sunsetā€¦ which now reminds me of the *Think* *DragonHead* *DragonHeadB* album Loom, where the artist delves into the beginnings and endings of his life stages and realizes that endings are really just beginningsā€¦ *Pthb* Anyway, I like this poem. Life is a cycle of events which all have an element of start and stop in them, and we have to focus on the future without becoming lost in the past while at the same time respecting the wisdom of those before us.

Have fun with your Promptly Poetry project this year! Iā€™m loving it so far for myself *Delight*

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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Review of Find A Yellow Car  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Deepak, and welcome to writing.com!

What a charming and relatable anecdote youā€™ve shared with us. An anxious parent fretting about work and everything they need to do and being caught up in an unhealthy mental loop, finds peace and mindfulness with the help of their young daughter as they ride to school together each morning.

I love the simple and straightforward way youā€™ve described the situation and the way you were focusing on thoughts that were ā€œninety percent uselessā€ most of the time. The word ā€œpreoccupiedā€ comes to mind. And the way youā€™ve drawn the conclusion which frames the story and leads us to a deeper realization of mindfulness is nice: ā€œfind your yellow car and get more pointsā€ *Smile* And the practical understanding of writing down everything which has to be done, rather than frantically thinking about it all day, is also super helpful.

Formatting wise, I always suggest using Size 4 Verdana font for an open and engaging reading experience, and ensuring you have a word count at the top of the item. The font size can be found at the top of the text entry box, in the line of tools. Line spacing between paragraphs and dialogue is also recommended for ease of reading. Perhaps adding a simple cover art of a yellow car would add an enticing touch to the way it looks before one decides to read it. Some minor grammatical things could be improved, but the overall effect is heartfelt and sincere.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *HeartT*



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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

Whee! What a wild story. I sympathize with Ryuk for saying it sounds like a novel. How could he listen without his head going *Mindblown*...

Now I'm intensely curious, as it appears you have set up an epic fantasy which could go on for many, many chapters. There is so much to be done here and so many threads to weave together: what is Ryuk's backstory? How did he know to call Rin Catherine without her full name ever having been mentioned? Didn't she realize this herself at the moment? Or was that a mistake? Who is the mysterious figure who was listening? Is it an enemy, a friend, something else? Where is Bob? Does any of this connect to anything else in Ryuk's life, such as the constant rain and the friends who were bullies?

And I should tell you something about point of view. Maybe if this is going to be an epic fantasy of several volumes like Harry Potter or something, it doesn't matter so much, but around here and on a smaller scale we like to emphasize using just one point of view, focusing on on the experience as seen by one main character only. Meaning if Ryuk didn't turn around and see the mystery figure in the tree himself, then we didn't see it either, you know? This is called the third person limited point of view... You can read a few articles from my friend Max Griffin šŸ³ļøā€šŸŒˆ Author Icon on the subject of using this perspective properly. It has the benefits of rooting us firmly in time and place without feeling like we're getting a "50,000 foot" view as told by an all-seeing narrator. We get the ground level view of what's happening as if we are the main character, without it having to be in the first person.

I'm really enjoying the story so far, and the twists and turns and exciting backstory of Catherine which you've put together promises us a fantastic journey through a world of magic and high stakes adventures.

Let me know when you add more to it, and I'll be happy to share my thoughts. I hope I've been of some help to you so far; I'm not the greatest reviewer on here, but I share what I've learned from others.

Take care, thanks for sharing and by all means, keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*

*Gemv* *Angel*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

Well, these bite sized pieces are easy to read and keep us wanting more, certainly. You've succeeded in throwing together so many weird anomalous events, it's hard for us to keep track of them all: too much rain, a missing student, bullies suddenly becoming friendly, the father still out there somewhere gleefully buying cat treats for a cat lady who we still don't know who she is or why she's there... Phew!

All this is perfectly fine to keep a story rolling with, but at some point you need to start drawing the threads together and connecting the dots, if you'll excuse the idiomatic phrases. You need to show us how all these things connect to each other and what the significance is for the boy and the girl.

Is there a grand mission approaching them? A seeking after something? A thrill of a chase or a hunt or some marvelous discovery? Remember, we like hooks, but they need to lead somewhere. You should prepare a timeline for your own use as you write, to ensure you draw the story along at a proper pace and begin to explain things for us, and also to make sure you don't have any significant plot holes of some details you forgot by the end of the story.

I can't wait to read the latest chapter. And I'm definitely hoping you keep us posted with more episodes of this tale. It's quite a ride and I'm fully invested in your shy and unhappy main character. I'd love to learn more about the mysterious and beautiful cat lady who befriends him, and the strange things that bring them together and push between them.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

Ah, this is an amusing twist. I remember one of my mentors likes to say that when you're writing a novel or a longer story, you should remember that life is not simple: there's never only one complicated thing the heroes have to deal with. "While they're wrestling the wolf at the door, there's always gonna be rats in the basement..." I think that's a good paraphrase *Laugh* So I see that while Ryuk is trying to figure out what in the world is going on, things are complicated by his father innocently assuming it's a real cat that he once knew. Excellent!

For a moment I thought maybe the father was involved in some sinister way. Perhaps Ryuk's home life isn't as bad as I'd thought? But he's definitely lonely, and the cat lady is setting up to be a charming companion for him, if they can ever have a quiet moment together! Is she going to be a sister or a lover, or simply a loyal friend? You need to make this decision for yourself so you know what you're writing, but I'm sure you already have the relationship parameters in mind.

As before, I'm excited to see what happens next. So far this is quite the story.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

Good work keeping the suspense rolling with this chapter, as we see more questions and no answers in sight. You've ended with another cliffhanger, which is always recommended.

I'd like to tell you about a technique we use to help us think about and plan our stories. We set out goals, stakes, and obstacles for the main character. The goals and dreams and hopes of the MC set the story rolling, and the stakes of what happens if he doesn't achieve what he needs to accomplish, provide tension as the obstacles get in his way. This is a simplistic method of ensuring you have enough plot to keep your story interesting.

The MC should also have a character arc, meaning he deals with an internal obstacle (fear, pain, past trauma, flawed behavior, etc) as well as the external dilemmas which move the story forward. By the end of the story, he should have learned something important about himself and the world around him. This ensures we have a character deep enough for us to be engaged with and cheering for as we continue reading.

Perhaps you should include the note about how you've translated the story at the top of each chapter, since people often find random chapters of stories on their sidebars and don't necessarily read them in order or even more than one chapter at all. It's always best to ensure important information like that is presented to everyone who finds the work. People are sensitive about the use of AI, and some might be upset with you if they spent time reviewing it without knowing the language is not your own.

This is a great story idea here, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Ryyth, and welcome to writing.com!

I think I'll try reviewing each chapter separately for you as I read them... I remember reading this story in its earlier incarnation and being unsure of how to approach advising you on it.

Your beginning is vivid, drawing us in quickly and portraying the difficult, lonely world of the main character. We see the schoolyard, the bullies, the mysterious dreams, and the chance for a major turning point ends this opening chapter quite well.

I'm proud of you for letting us know how you've crafted the story, originally in your native language and then using AI to translate and share it with us while you improve your English skills. It would be dishonest to let us assume this is how you write, and we would waste time pointing out little flaws in grammatical presentation.

As it stands, this is a great opening. From what I remember, I think your MC (main character) also had a difficult home life, with an abusive father and perhaps a missing mother. You could include elements of this in the opening as a foreshadowing of twists to come and also as an emphasis of how truly miserable and hopeless he feels his life is.

I look forward to reading the other chapters and finding out what happens next; you've improved the flow of the plot since I last read it, and it's becoming a tense and exciting tale with lots of potential for growth.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and Happy Account Anniversary!

I havenā€™t met you yet around here *Smile*

I love a good flash fiction story: theyā€™re so easy to read, like fictional ā€œfast foodā€ *Laugh* Youā€™ve set up a realistic situation here with a touch of fanciful fantasy which any fellow campers would find hard to believe. The way the two worlds meshed with the connecting link of the hat is ingenious, although I did feel bad that she peremptorily tossed it into the campfire when she got back. I mean, she just lost the only bit of evidence for the validity of her tale. But whatever *Laugh*

I would recommend using Size 4 Verdana font to make it look more important and interesting on the page. Also, two relevant genres to complete the set is always recommended to help people find the item when browsing. I would suggest ā€œEnvironmentā€ or ā€œDramaā€ or ā€œNatureā€ or ā€œMythology.ā€ Also, I noticed you used the word ā€œareaā€ twice in the first two sentences, which is usually not recommended. Always best to find a different set of descriptive words *Smile*

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *GemV* *Angel* *HeartT*


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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings,

This was a surprisingly fun and amusing story, written in the limited third person point of view of a veteran who needs a pair of legs and has to try and finagle them from the medical institution. I love how itā€™s set in a fictionalized world which feels like a gentle parody of the absurdities of war and post war in the real world. Your main character has a sense of humor which keeps the tone fresh and cheeky, and youā€™ve captured the sense of friendship and camaraderie which remains steadfast among veterans, no matter what world they occupy.

The act of kindness which ultimately led to Joeā€™s acquisition of two good legs is heartwarming and makes a great story. I would recommend you add two relevant genres to round it off, perhaps ā€œWarā€ and ā€œComedyā€ or something like that. Also, Size 4 Verdana font would create a more open and engaging reading experience. Aside from that, I canā€™t think of any substantial improvement to suggest. The characters are spunky, the conflict is well defined, the goals and stakes and obstacles, though relatively small, are present and create a scenario where we want to see what happens next and we cheer for the main character.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Greetings, Ruwth!

I love reading your words about the book and how much it means to you. I read your story about ā€œmeeting Simon,ā€ and I also read your review of the book The Greatest Miracle in the World. I think Iā€™ve heard of Og Mandino before, but I donā€™t remember ever having read this book. Thank you for writing about it. Iā€™m glad you have such a strong faith to lean on in difficult timesā€¦ I canā€™t really say the same for myself at this point. Mostly I try my best to run away from organized religion, somewhat like the prodigal son perhaps. There is so much corruption and disarray and lack of accountability and everything in church these days, and the culture wars are just too much for me.

I like the way you were able to save your forum post and use it as your entry to I Write by adding it to your blog; I may do that someday if I ever have a week where I didnā€™t write an item of some kind. Iā€™ve hardly taken the time to get to know you very well through your portfolio, Ruwth, but you have such a comforting presence when youā€™re here. Youā€™ve seen so many ups and downs and befriended so many people who have come and gone. Iā€™m still new and uncertain of everything, though I run around as if I ā€œownā€ the place sometimes.

I canā€™t think of any constructive suggestions for this, since itā€™s a personal note like a journal entry. Youā€™ve answered the prompt question and given us something to think aboutā€¦ oh, perhaps you should link your book review into the blog entry to fully connect all the dots. That would be a good idea *Smile*

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT* *GemV* *Angel*


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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings,

I love a good self-reflective poem, and this is one. You describe yourself with an apologetic honesty which is heartfelt and deeply relatable.

I, too, am introverted and enjoy crafts and puzzles and write the occasional moody poem, and I know how it feels to always feel the need to apologize for oneself and assume that whatever I do is not quite right or is somehow ā€œnot normal.ā€ In fact, Iā€™ve thought a lot about that particular issue and have only recently begun to realize how diverse the world really is and that thereā€™s room for me in it. I would always be afraid to ā€œbe myselfā€ around others because I assumed no one else had a similar life experience, or others had so much more money and prosperity that it would be embarrassing to admit how poor I am.

Coming to WdC for example, I assumed when I arrived that everyone here was well-off enough to never have to worry about renewing their paid memberships, and that you all have these wonderful leisurely perfect lives where you can write whatever you want whenever you want with endless resources and no distractionsā€¦ I felt quite ā€œshabbyā€ at first in comparison. But Iā€™ve discovered that weā€™re all humans with struggles and issues, some mental, some physical, some financial. WdC is a place where we all become equals in our writing and helping each other out.

If you pardon my love of music and Imagine Dragons in particular, your words remind me of many of lead singer Dan Reynolds personal introspective lyrics, especially the tracks off of 2015 album Smoke + Mirrors. In one song, Next to Me, he even says ā€œI am a deck of cards, vice or a game of heartsā€¦ā€ and in Polaroid, he spends the entire song applying different labels of the literal and metaphorical sort. This raw honesty and vulnerability in songwriting is part of why I like his band so much, and I see that same earnestness in your writing here.

Improvements? I dislike telling others to tinker with their poetry, especially free verse and especially when itā€™s a personal piece. Iā€™m no expert on poetic meter and form. To me your words flow well and convey their theme sincerely and with creativity and honesty. And thatā€™s pretty much what matters most. I would suggest using Size 4 font to bring it into clearer focus on our busy WdC pages (my sidebars are humming with activity!) and also adding a third relevant genre such as ā€œExperienceā€ or ā€œDramaā€ or ā€œEmotional.ā€ This would help others find it when browsing.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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Review of Legacy  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings,

Hey, cool story. I love the wryly humorous tone of the narrating son which uplifts the seriousness of the situation, and how youā€™ve described things in a matter-of-fact way without being too gory or depressing. The book is indeed valuable, a survival gift from father to son ensuring a strong lineage and a privileged position among the families.

Your moral at the end is immediately applicable to the modern situation, and we see how important it is to maintain the wisdom of the ages rather than being swept along in the waves of time, unanchored.

I might suggest making more of a point of how the narrating son was able to add his own wisdom to the book as he grew and learned over his time in the Outer Realm. Being as this is from so many years ago, I wonā€™t ask if it was written for any particular contest.

A great, adventurous read, with a solid message well told. I enjoyed it.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings,

This is an interesting and classic story which was a poignant pleasure to read. I liked the innocence of the tone and the understanding that this summer friendship was a love of the purer kind with close chaperoning. Usually when we have a ā€œcoming of ageā€ type romance it quickly descends intoā€¦ you know.

Your descriptions are enough to set the scenes well, allowing us to use our imaginations to fill in the details. I felt excitement about the budding relationship, and was quite saddened along with Jim and Lou when they had to part early on such a heartbreaking note.

I felt as though the story ends too abruptly with poor Jim staring after the disappearing car. It begins as a reminiscence, yet we donā€™t have a corresponding ending. Something along the lines of ā€œI never saw Lou again after that,ā€ or ā€œwe met again years later,ā€ might give more satisfaction or closure. I also donā€™t understand why you call it a ā€œshort short storyā€ in the subtitle; that feels like a waste of words, especially since this isnā€™t particularly short, such as a 300 word flash fiction . It appears to be about 1000-1400 words, and might in fact benefit from a word count at the top of the item. Also, since presumably the contest you wrote it for is long since over with, I would recommend adding a third relevant genre such as ā€œNature,ā€ ā€œFamily,ā€ ā€œRelationship,ā€ or ā€œEmotional.ā€ This would help people find the story when browsing.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings,

Iā€™ve had this in ā€œdraft reviewsā€ for some weeks now due to busyness. Since August is a growing sort of month, it suits *Leaf2G*

A jolly and thoroughly British poem we have here, crafted with care and bringing us three quirky characters to chuckle over. The gathering of manure for fertilizer is a grotesquely amusing way to end itā€¦ and itā€™s entirely true that some people do go to extreme lengths to collect that fertilizer! My mom always tells me about a woman who was selling rose plants from her house, and when my mom went to look at them she discovered an enormous pile of dog manure from the womanā€™s pet, that she was keeping to feed the roses *Sick* Mom couldnā€™t get away fast enough. Dad was like ā€œarenā€™t you going to buy a rose from her?ā€ She said ā€œnot on your life!ā€ Such practices are highly unsanitary, and real ā€œfertilizerā€ is supposed to be properly aged and composted before use.

So, having grossed out you and anyone who might come across this review, Iā€™ll say I found nothing to criticize here. Your meter is a bit mixed, but it comes off casually and chattily without any issues. Iā€™m terrible with syllables and meter myself - come to think of it, I havenā€™t written a rhyming poem in a long while. Two epic non-rhyming poems appeared in my port last monthā€¦ which reminds me I should drop off one of them at one of the ā€œpreviously writtenā€ poetry contests around. Perhaps you should do the same with this, although it lacks a certain profundity theyā€™re usually looking for (no offense, trust me *Laugh*)

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Greetings,

A brief and mythical tale we have here, not written in a passive narrative form but written with dialogue and scene setting in a poetic and even lyrical fashion. Inspired by the themes of eternal love and loss expressed in the Coldplay song offered as a prompt, we see the rebuilding of these themes into a fable simple yet profound. The three scenes are set off tidily with asterisks, and the font is large and clear.

My only suggestion here would be to add two more relevant genres so as to allow for as many Quill Award nominations as possible. I might suggest ā€œMythologyā€ and ā€œFolklore.ā€ A word count would also be nice, as this looks to be not much over a couple hundred words.

A poignant and timeless vignette, set up well and formatted properly. I enjoyed reading it.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings,

A warm and enjoyable personal story, written to share a lesson learned about love and kindness. We see the author in a moody state, pressed to go to Disneyland with the family when perhaps his means were not up to it, tired and jaded, when something happens which gives him a fresh perspective on life.

The descriptions are bright and clear, and I could easily visualize the scenes in my mind as I read. Your characters are distinct and unique in their humanity, and we find ourselves smiling and even getting a little teary-eyed as we finish with a renewed hope in the goodness of others. Everyone did their part to make the disabled boyā€™s day truly magical, from the Minnie Mouse girl to the two friendly customers pushing tables out of the way so he could meet her.

I have often heard of and seen such moments at Disney and with other dressed up characters, on social media; we canā€™t help admiring the patience and kindheartedness they have as they strive daily to make others happy in what must be a tiresome job role.

I see only one typo from the entire item, where youā€™ve spelled ā€œsitesā€ instead of ā€œsights.ā€ Otherwise, this was excellently written, with great, easy to read formatting. I enjoyed reading it.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings,

A cheerful and humorous tale we have here, full of touches of whimsical country atmosphere without too many stereotypes. I could picture the young people hanging around and playing basketball outside.

I'm glad it was a misunderstanding and they ended happily. You've painted the characters well and set the scenery nicely.

I don't have much to suggest for this enjoyable work.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

This is a strong and elegant poem which reads like a hymn or an antique poem from the classic era of European literature. In fact at first I wondered if you had taken it from an old book or something and reposted it here, but I didnā€™t find anything with a brief search and I wouldnā€™t dream of making such an impolite suggestion. The elegance and timelessness of the language is appealing, and one doesnā€™t notice the lack of a tight rhyme because it feels as though we are reading song lyrics or a prayer.

When one reads poetry, especially when itā€™s written in the first person, one always wonders how personal the theme is to the author. Is the message truly from the heart, or is it a well crafted narrative in an old-fashioned style? Either way, the sincerity of thought expressed here is touching and inspiring as we see the man coming to a truer understanding of what love means. The sacrifice of love and the pain involved, as well as the reality of seeking to improve and understand oneā€™s own self before attempting to deepen a relationship with anyone else, is heartfelt and deeply relatable.

If I may draw a connection with pop music here, part of your theme reminds me of the song Learn to Love Me, by Ryan Tedder and David Solomon. This mature and creative desire to self improve so as not to hurt anyone is something we need to see more of in the world. Your meter and flow are exceptional, and the repetition of words and phrases builds on itself in a lyrical way.

If I had to make any suggestions, I would say use Size 4 Verdana font... But I say that to almost everyone *Laugh* A line count would be a great idea, especially since I highly suggest you enter this into at least three separate contests: "Fox's Socks Newbie Poetry Contest" Open in new Window. "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" Open in new Window. and "First and Second Chance Poetry Contest" Open in new Window. You have an excellent item here, and I really enjoyed reading and reviewing it.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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for entry "Hiding behind humor" Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Greetings, Jeff!

A thoughtful and well written blog entry, discussing your personal considerations on the list of potentially annoying phrases given in the prompt. You make your feelings known in a clear and understandable way, while being reasonable and allowing for different viewpoints on most issues. The word count is not overwhelming, and itā€™s easy to read, though I prefer Size 3.5 Verdana font (size 4, which I pester everyone to use with their static items, is a bit too much for blog postsā€¦) but then again, I donā€™t want to be the one to use one of those phrases to you *Laugh*

The observation on raising children is a good point. I would never impose my own beliefs on someone else in such a sensitive area, because I know people from many different types of upbringing, backgrounds and cultures, and theyā€™re all raising their children in vastly different ways, yet the kids are all ā€œgetting along fine.ā€

And definitely, your final point is the most important one of the blog entry: a person hiding an unpleasant personality behind a distorted sense of humor is a frightening thing to encounter, and on a lesser level itā€™s super annoying. Humor should never be used in a hurtful way, even though so many comedians make their living off of offensive jokes based on the traits of others. Itā€™s a vital thing to remember as we navigate life and relationships.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

This was a fun, enjoyable and all too relatable episode of sleep apnea from the catā€™s perspective. Oh, the noise! I donā€™t have issues with it myself, but to be near someone else who does is stressful indeed. Youā€™ve captured the essence of a catā€™s personality quite well, with the implications of the situation amusingly laid out for us. To have oneā€™s overweight life saved by a hungry yet supercilious cat is funny. I held my breath nervously as the cat debated the issue and sighed with relief when it went ahead and woke him up.

I especially like the ominous and thought provoking ending sentenceā€¦ as a music lover, I was considering the definition of a god in the context of the Imagine Dragons song Gods Donā€™t Pray recently, and I came up with the definition of ā€œa god is one who holds the power of life and death in their hands.ā€ To have someone else confirm this definition is satisfying.

Some formatting advice here: if you need further help you can click on the question mark in the line of boxes over the text entry box. I always recommend using Size 4 Verdana font for an open and engaging reading experience. A word count is also a good idea if you would be interested to enter this into contests such as "Senior Center Forum" Open in new Window. or "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window..

I really enjoyed this story and found it fun and interesting to see both characters so clearly from the catā€™s PoV.

Iā€™ve been thinking a lot about writing in nonhuman PoVā€™s lately, and in fact I have a story Iā€™m submitting to "Rhythms & Writing: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window. which is ā€œwritten byā€ a Dodge Chargerā€¦ "Silent Witness" Open in new Window. The issue was posited to me in a review, of how much ā€œemotionā€ would a car be capable of, or how would a young car know what a tree or billboards areā€¦ Iā€™m of the opinion that since we donā€™t really know anyway, we are allowed to take a more ā€œpoeticā€ perspective than one might expect, and I like how youā€™ve taken this approach in your story (does a cat really have an awareness of what a ā€œgodā€ is, for example?) Any thoughts are appreciated! (I apologize for the shameless plug *Laugh*)

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

I can pretty much tell this is a human story by your unique and deeply personified writing style, but I passed it through the QuillBot detector anyway. Good work; you have crafted a main character who is both flawed and miserable, an annoying brat yet someone we canā€™t help feeling sorry for and wishing we could whack some sense into him. His motherā€™s position as the city mayor sets up for all kinds of interesting possibilitiesā€¦ my mind canā€™t help coming up with wild ideas such as ā€œdid she have her husband killed for some reason? Is that why sheā€™s so determined to suppress the kidā€™s grief? Whatā€™s really going on? Is she even really his mother?ā€

Your setup is excellent, showing us the major conflict of Luka and his mother, and the subsidiary conflicts between him and his classmates, teachers and sister (who is as obnoxious as her motherā€¦ yet honestly, the whole family is pretty messed up! Which gives me yet another wild idea: did the father go into hiding? Is he really the hacker?) Iā€™d really love to learn more about this situation and see what happens next.

Iā€™ll give you my usual vague tips on how to consider your story points when Iā€™m presented with the opening chapters of a longer story. You have three main points which initiate conflict and propel the storyline forward: goals, stakes and obstacles. Increasing the stakes or the obstacles adjusts the tension, while your characters are the central engine. The protagonist needs a meaningful character arc; Luka needs to learn something important about himself or the world around him by the end of the story, which leads to a change and an overall theme or worldview which the story is built around. And the antagonist needs to be a fully formed character with a touch of backstory to lend sympathy and depth. Is the mother the primary antagonist? Then explain how she ended up being such a nasty person. Bear these basic concepts in mind as you construct scenes and events.

I loved the vivid, colorful and visceral descriptions of Lukaā€™s daily life and emotions. This is a story which can go in lots of different directions, from a sappy ā€œcoming of ageā€ romance to a wild cyberpunk fantasy. I look forward to reading further chapters.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

Ok, first off, I need to let you know that when I copied your story into the QuillBot AI Detector, it came back as ā€œ82% of text is likely AI generated.ā€ Make of that what you willā€¦ Iā€™m not here to accuse or judge. As a Newbie, perhaps an English language learner, I understand you may not feel entirely comfortable with your own skills in composition and may have asked the AI for assistance. But I would highly recommend you simply write from your heart as best you can and post it here for us, because then we can actually help you improve by offering advice which is relevant to your skill level. It is also somewhat disheartening to see that a story which I honestly enjoyed, and I looked forward to reviewing, is created by a bot.

I appreciate your desire to share your ā€œtrue storyā€ with us, and I found the concepts and themes to be deeply relevant and relatable. We all have a desire for open, honest interactions, and perhaps thereā€™s an irony in the fact that you have not disclosed your use of AI with us in creating a story about vulnerability and communication.

Now, thereā€™s always the chance that this is, possibly, the way you actually write. If so, Iā€™ll give you a few brief tips on how not to write like a chat bot.

1. Avoid generalizing or moralizing vocabulary such as the entire final paragraph.

2. Instead, try to get down into the moment-by-moment scenes and feelings, spelling out everything in as much detail as possible. I know it sounds ridiculous, and itā€™s very difficult to explain what I mean because itā€™s an instinctive sort of thing. This enumeration of emotions is one of the best things that the AI has to catch up with us on, as yet.

3. Try writing it from the first person point of view, focusing on the experience through the eyes of only one main character instead of telling us about the thoughts and actions of everyone involved from a ā€œ50,000 footā€ view. The third person omniscient narrator style is very likely to be seen as AI generated these days, and is also very old-fashioned and ā€œun-trendy.ā€

I hope Iā€™ve been of some help to you.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

This was quite a wild ride through an imaginative and shocking experience. I was expecting the demise of poor Harry, dragged into the same monstrous machine heā€™d been using to procure his much desired ā€œfreedom.ā€ It was a relief to find a happy ending, though I must point out that the complete 180 degree change in the wifeā€™s demeanor is a bit too unrealistic. But in such a thoroughly ā€œunrealisticā€ and classic story (the ā€œDevil and Danā€™l Webster,ā€ ā€œsign away your soulā€ archetype), the ending is exactly what we would like and appreciate, and as I look at it again it doesnā€™t seem so unreasonable because he does say ā€œmaybe Iā€™m the one who changedā€¦ā€

Harryā€™s character development is poignant and relatable and unnerving, as we see the typical ā€œEveryman loserā€ with an unhappy marriage and every reason to wish for an escape, fall easy prey to Mr. Black and his wiles. It starts with the awful wife, who we can hardly bring ourselves to miss, but descends into the unfathomable depths of mass murder. But before Harry has a chance to carry out anything elseā€¦

I would suggest using Size 4 Verdana font to ensure an open and engaging reading experience, and your scene dividers should be centered. Also, the writing is just a wee bit sloppy, which adds to the authenticity of it as youā€™ll see in the next paragraph, but you can run it through Grammarly to see if there are any useful improvements suggested. You should standardize the spelling of the Dispose-All 500, as it seems to be spelled/punctuated/capitalized differently every time.

You probably havenā€™t noticed thereā€™s been a conversation going around WdC lately about checking peopleā€™s writing to see if itā€™s been generated by AI rather than a human. I can usually tell by a personā€™s style whether itā€™s an AI story, but I checked yours anyway and it passed. Great job creating such a vivid and engaging tale.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings,

I found this to be a gripping and vivid tale with tons of potential for adventure and character growth. The character of Rose as an innocent child unaware of her past and grave responsibilities is well crafted, and the action is swift and easy to follow. The trope of ā€œgiant monster creature invading the cityā€ is old, of course, but you have given it a creative twist with the addition of robot warriors striving to keep it under control. I thought the use of flower names for the robots was an interesting touch, as wellā€¦ Iā€™d love to find out the acronym in future installments.

Now, your narrative flow could be improved somewhatā€¦ Iā€™m only sharing what Iā€™ve learned from Max Griffin šŸ³ļøā€šŸŒˆ Author Icon on this site; if you like you can join one of his writing groups for one-on-one advice and peer review. So, what I noticed is, you break into the opening sequence of events to tell us something about Roseā€™s history, which takes up two paragraphs before we return to the original scene at the mall. Showing is always preferred over telling, and if there was a way to incorporate this information into the scene more naturally, we wouldnā€™t be taken out of the moment for an info dump.

Then you also switch us over into the PoV of Chris, which could perhaps be delineated by asterisks on either side. And in fact, the main PoV doesnā€™t focus in on Rose as a limited third person, rather we get a more omniscient perspective, glancing briefly at the thoughts of both Lilly and Rose as they make their escape. Thereā€™s nothing wrong with this perspective per se, but itā€™s more compelling and engaging to try and show us whatā€™s happening as Rose and only Rose sees and feels it.

I do love your premise and look forward to the next chapter. This is a great setup. Perhaps a third genre would be suitable, such as ā€œTechnology.ā€

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Greetings!


Thank you for your patience as I plow through Red Case ports as the finale to this reviewing challenge I'm working on.

A simple question: Do you like WdC? To which my answer is always an enthusiastic "yes!" I can wax poetic for thousands of words about the people I've met, the friendships I've made, the progress of my writing skills, the feeling of satisfaction when completing a project, the rewards and Merit Badges and gifts and the sheer generosity of our close-knit community, the warm sense of belonging and so much more. I'm even using my portfolio on my resume as an example of the various responsibilities I've been entrusted with and the things I've accomplished.

I love the idea of a quick poll to see what people think about the site: of course, the vast majority of users love it... And the others hardly count *Wink* perhaps you should offer a note with the lower opinions, "let us know why in the review section!" Or a footnote at the bottom of the page saying "if you have any serious issues with site usability or anything else, let me know..."

Great idea here! I should create a few polls myself...

Take care, thank you one last time for all you do, and keep up the good work!
*Gemv* *Angel*
Come ride with us!
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