Your poem is pretty good, but it could be better. While reading this poem I got a sense of stream of consciousness. I think that you should reread your poem and fix a few grammatical errors. I am not sure what "so sleepy to be dreaming" means. Your poem also has some significant flow problems. If you read your poem out loud, you should and will be able to catch these flow problems.
Overall, I found myself unable to fully relate to this poem because of the subject matter. Maybe a better word choice and more imagery would have drawn me in. This poem struck my emotional cords but not as much as it should have. I also believe that if you put your poem in paragraph form it would convey the same meaning. I think that you should choose your points of emphasis a little better. This way, the parts that should convey the most meaning to the reader, convey the most meaning.
I just recently had to deal with the loss of a family member. I can really relate to this poem. I think that the rhyme really holds the poem together. I would suggest you divide the poem into stanzas or even make it into a sonnet of sorts. This will make your poem more readable.
I would suggest you proofread your work before you post it. You have many grammatical and spelling errors. I also noticed that a large portion of your poem is asking questions. This really made me lose focus on your poem. You are supposed to tell the reader how you feel or not feel about something and not ask them questions. A few questions is alright, but you have way too many. I am not sure what "dejar de sonar" means. By the context, I would assume that it means something about living a nightmare. I do like your imagery though.
Your poem is short and to the point. I would have to say that I liked it. I found only one little problem. In the second to last stanza, I found some flow issues. If you read this line out loud you should be able to catch this. Your other lines flow well except for this one.
I think that this is a universal theme with all writers. Something emotional leaves the writer as he or she is writing. I believe it helps to better ourselves for good for for worse.
I was at first hesitant to read this. But now that I have, I am glad that I did. The title seemed a little pretentious but you proved me wrong with your poem. The rhyme scheme is quite irregular but for some reason it fit well with your poem. I also noticed that you do not use punctuation at the end of your lines. This is fine but I would put in a period here and there.
I like the last two lines of your poem. Through out the poem you are opening up, but at the end of your poem you are closing everyone off to your feelings. However, you are still asking people for assistance. You are asking the reader to help you put up that "Do Not Enter" sign. With the turning of the key for the last lock, you take a final stand to open up to people.
Your poem is pretty good but I have a few suggestions. "Do I or you control it?" sounds a little awkward. I think you should change it to "Do you or I control it?" I think it reads and sounds better. I like how your poem is in the shape of a flower but I think that towards the end you should form your poem so it looks like the flower has been pulled out. This may mess up the flow and readability of your poem, however. This are just suggestions and you can do as you wish.
I did like the ending especially. The fact that we need to kill or detach a rose from its nourishment and home just so we can admire it. It almost seems as though we have to capture the rose to make it feel ours.
First off, the title of your poem lured me to give you a review. "IDK" should be "I Don't Know." This is poetry not street speech or slang. I have a feeling that many of the authors on this website would agree with me. Also, many of them probably won't even have a clue on what that means. There are people of all ages on this website. I suppose it all depends on who your poetry is directed to. Once I read your poem, I found that the poem has a universal theme to it. People of all ages can read it, but it is those who are older, who know what Vietnam War was and its impact on society is. Many people who lived or are children of those who fought in Vietnam may be offended by your title. By title, the reader will assume that you have no idea what your are talking about in your poem because of way the title is written. Your poem loses all truth and meaning. It makes the author believe that there is no truth to your writing and that the composer does not feel the same way as those who fought in the Vietnam War or those who even live in Australia. There is a difference between the right word and the almost right word.
A poem and its title work together to form a single solid entity. With a title such as yours, the rest of your poem is lost.
Your poem is good, but it could be better. I have noticed that you have an somewhat of an irregular rhyme scheme. ABCC. This is not a problem but I would suggest making the actual rhyme more uniform. "forever/slur", "either/other", "name/stay" do not rhyme as well as they should. I would also change the "come" in the line "Laughing so hard, tears even come falling." to "came". The sentence is written in the past tense. You also capitalized the first word of every line except for the last line of your poem.
Overall, I liked the content of your poem. You have a good word choice and the content is there. You just need to work on the mechanics of your poem.
This poem is much better than the last one I read. I has more depth and it allows the reader to dig much deeper within the poem and also within himself or herself. However, I do have some suggestions. Your poem has some rhyme in it but it is not uniform. Some words that rhyme are "on/done" and "tie/die." This kind of messes up the flow of your poem.
There are some things that I did like about your poem, for instance, "The American Dream". I thought the American Dream had died. It is still their subconsciously. The American Dream is killing us even though we perceive it to be dead. There are skeletons still in the closet.
You have a good start on this poem. I think that you can go much more in depth with this poem. What you have are statements that leave little room for contemplation. They are statements of fact which cannot be argued. (The first two lines) Then, you go on to put in your emotions and what you think of what is going to happen because of these two lines. The last line sums up the lesson we need to learn by the rest of your poem. You are simply telling the reader what to think based on the other four lines. You need to lure the reader in and have them formulate their own ideas and have then linger on each line and then come to their own conclusion based on what you wrote and not your conclusion. They can also form their own conclusion based on your conclusion.
There is no argument in your poem. There is nothing to think about. You tell the reader everything outright and leave no ambiguity. There are multiple ways to decipher a poem, however, there is only one way to decipher this one. The poem is exactly what it tells you.
I think that you should make the poem longer and add some figurative language to allow the reader to include his or her own personal views. I have found that good poetry unravels and leaves the reader thinking at the end. I would find a way to make this poem unravel more. A poem is kind of like peeling an onion. There are many different layers to both poems and onions I find that there is only one layer to this poem and therefore, didn't grasp my emotional chords as well as it should have.
Once again, well done. The only thing I would like to note is that in the third stanza, I got kind of confused. The second line kind of threw me off a little.
I'm not sure who gave you two and a half stars. But I liked this. It is very straight forward and to the point. Violence and call it love. Nice. It's kind of like my poem, "My Heart Once Belonged To You": http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1616... I would suggest however that you put your stanzas in a single column. I know its for making a point of the good and bad of love but I had troubles going to each stanza. Over all, well done.
Your poem is short and to the point, but I feel it is a little too short and to the point. I expected some more imagery and poetic language. No offense, but I found this read like a rap song. It read like a freestyle rap song to me.
Once again you have a pretty good poem, but there are some flow issues. Also, I have not seen Casablanca so therefore I can not really give you a truly honest review. I find myself again not being able to relate to this as well as I should. I like the imagery and figurative language that you use, but there is something missing. The reader must know about the movie to fully comprehend your poem. If they don't, then the meaning is lost.
Your poem is not too bad. The ending really makes the poem. I did find one major problem with your poem. There are some flow issues. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch the parts that need attention. Overall, your poem is good, but I just couldn't relate to it. I think I have ridden a horse once in my life. It didn't pull me in as well as it should.
When I first joined this site a member who didn't have a paid membership could post up to TEN items. However! A basic membership is only twenty dollars for an entire year and it opens up so many more things to the Writing.Com member. Compared to other sites like Writing.Com that I have visited, the free membership here is the best. On some sites you have to pay to even post your writing. The only thing a member of those sites can do is review. Also, I have joined sites that are completely free and I did not get the reviews I was expecting. It took months and months just to get a few reviews. Also, the reviews that I received were not as good of quality as the ones I receive on Writing.Com. They consisted of something like this "Good job" or "I like this" which tells me nothing on how I should improve my writing. On these free sites I gave 'qualifying' reviews and I received messages saying, "Wow, I have never received a review like this before. Thanks for the in-depth analyses and your opinion. I like how you gave me suggestions on how to make it better." I guess I was just in Writing.Com mode. Through this site, I learned (and still am learning) how to do good critical reviews of people's writings. Also, I believe that I have greatly improved my writing and reading since I joined this site in 2007.
Your poem is pretty good, but it could be better. My first suggestion would be to fix the flow problems with this poem. If you read the poem out loud you should be able to catch these problems. You need to watch out where you divide up your stanza lines. When writers do this, they do it to emphasize something. Lines three and four of your poem are the first instance of this. I have found that after reading one of my poems for the umteenth time, I miss all of the flow problems because I practically have it memorized.
The last stanza needs a little bit of tuning up. You state, "there is a moment" three times in the same stanza which is also repeated one other time in the second stanza of your poem. This becomes rather tedious.
I like the alliteration you used in this line. "once warm with wizened wonder". You use some pretty good imagery, but I think that some of it is a little too straightforward. You tell the reader exactly how you feel, but you leave nothing up to the reader. You make the connection to the reader but the reader has nothing to hold onto after he or she is done reading the poem. You give the reader nothing to think about, but only what you are thinking. Give them something to hold onto. This may be due to how the last stanza is organized. It appears that you have put too much emphasis (with all of the punctuation) o nthe last stanza and the reader gets dragged down. The last stanza seems way to deep for the rest of the poem. I would take the emphasis off of the last stanza and focus it more on the last two lines of your poem becuase that is the punch line.
This review was not intended to be offensive but only to help you.
This is a very good poem. However, I do have a few suggestions. I would recommend that you read your poem out loud a few times to catch some of the flow issues. This primarily occurs in the fifth and sixth stanzas where you are "telling the story". When most people divide up their stanzas irregularly, they really goof up. It appears that you did a pretty good job with this one. Dividing up lines in random parts is usually for emphasis. This really comes through in your poem. There are just some parts that need a little work. Once again, if you read your poem out loud, you should be able to catch the parts. I really liked the words that were separated from the rest of the lines to create emphasis.
Very good. However, I found the shortness of your lines to be a little bit of a problem. If you read your poem out loud you should be able to catch this problem. I think that you could make this poem longer. You could make the lines longer and make the poem longer altogether. I found that I wanted more after reader this poem. (This is a good thing, but also a bad thing). Your poem is short and to the point, but I think that you need more guts to your poem. Do not get me wrong, your poem is good as it is but your poem just starts to draw the reader in and then it ends.
I love the theme of this poem. You also use very good imagery.
Your poem is pretty good, but I found a few things that need to be addressed. I think that your "OH" in the third stanza will have much better emphasis if you put an exclamation mark after it. You also need a second 'l' in "wil[l]" in the fourth stanza. This may have been intentional, but you are missing punctuation at the end of every other stanza. Also, the words that rhyme such as "May, everyday, way, day" kind of make your poem jumble together in that section. Especially the stanza with the two lines that rhyme. I would try to think up of different words that you could rhyme.
Overall, I liked your poem. You have a nice theme going. Now, all you need to tweak it a little bit to polish it up.
Your poem is alright, but it could be much better. In the first stanza, second sentence, you wrote "Did you already lost hope". I am assuming this should read, "Did you already los[e] hope". In the first stanza you also put the question mark in the wrong place. It should either go at the end of "night" or "itself". Also, writing "night" then, "night itself" is kind of redundant. You also have random capitalizations in your second stanza. I am not sure if this was intentional or not. I like how you said "You cannot light ice", "only hatred sails through their veins", and "You cannot teach a deaf person to listen". However, the rest of the imagery you use seems quite elementary.
I have written many poems like this. I have learned the hard way that not a whole lot of people like poetry like this. What you have to do is just find the right words. You have to make the poem more universal so everyone can understand your poem. It seems that you are telling the reader what you are feeling, but the reader is not pulled in by it. The reader cannot relate to what you are feeling and saying. It does not leave them with something to think about when they get done reading your poem. The right words will eventually come. Just write, write, write, and write some more.
You have a good poem but it needs some improvement. The rhyme of your poem holds it together quite nicely. However, I have found a few things wrong with your poem. These are just minor things. The last sentence of your poem needs a period at the end of it. Your first stanza is much shorter than the rest of the stanzas in your poem. This kind of messes up the flow a little bit. I always to to make my stanzas as even as possible. Some of the way your sentences are arranged mess up the reader a little bit. The third sentence of the fourth stanza is quite confusing. The way it is arranged made me stumble a little bit and I am not quite sure exactly what it means. I would also recommend reading your poem out loud. You should be able to catch the lumps and bumps that occur throughout your poem. This will help you smooth out your poem so it reads well.
Other than that, I like your the imagery that you use.
I would like to say, first off, read your poem out loud. Your poem has some flow issues. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch these flow problems. Also your stanzas have unequal line numbers. I am not sure if you intended to rhyme the first and last stanza, but the rest of your poem throws the reader off a bit because it does not rhyme.
I like the imagery you use and you have a good story behind your poem. I think you just need to spruce your poem up a little bit and it will be much better. A little punctuation might help too. Your poem just doesn't draw the reader in as well as it should because of the flow problems.
Read your poem out loud. There are multiple sentence fragments and punctuation errors. If you don't catch everything the first time, you should be able to catch everything the second time around. You don't have a single complete sentence in your entire poem except for the first line of every stanza. However, you decided to not use any punctuation and that really throws the reader off.
My best advice would be to read the poem out loud. You may understand the poem, but the reader will have a lot of difficulty trying to understand what you are writing about because of the lack of punctuation and complete sentences. I like the imagery you use, but it is not enough to make up for the fragments. I would also suggest not using a question to open every stanza. They begin to lose meaning after a while.
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