In the third stanza, you have some punctuation issues. It should read, "“We’re going hunting,” he’d say."
In the seventh stanza, I would not repeat old. I would find another word for it. In the eighth stanza the repetition of "wanted" works because it creates alliteration.
In the tenth stanza, last line, "nought" should be "naught."
Your last stanza has eight lines instead of four. I would divided this one big stanza into two separate stanzas.
The flow of your poem is good and the rhyme really helps hold it together. You tell a good narrative in the form of poetry.
I would also read your poem out loud to smooth out the rough edges. The words should just role right off your tongue.
I like this poem better than the rest of yours. Although it is shorter than the others, it has packed more of a punch. Consider the things I recommended in the reviews of your other two poems. Do not include the title and do not capitalize every letter.
I do like the internal rhyme of the first line of your poem. The next lines have a consistent rhyme scheme even though "undemised" may not be a word and it slant rhymes with "skies." I would suggest putting a hyphen between "un" and "demise."
I do like the imagery you use once again. And, as with your other two poems, you need to work on the capitalizing and title within the body.
Because your poem is so short, the internal rhyme and the end rhyme work well together.
You have a good start to your poem, but once again there are some issues that need to be addressed. Many of the same problems with your other poem. Do not capitalize every letter of your poem. I think the second stanza should read, "Neither for the color of money / Nor [insert something else]" and then start a new stanza with "But a body beyond decay / [Insert another line.]" The "Nor" does not really fit. "Nor" what? This stanza also does not rhyme along with the fourth stanza. I would not repeat "Sights" within the same stanza especially when it is only two lines and it is put in there to rhyme. "Be" and "heed" do not rhyme.
Most importantly of all. Do not tell the reader what the poem is about at the end. It literally kills any meaning your poem has to the reader. Let the reader figure out what the poem is by himself or herself. You literally tore away all of the layers to your poem. Your poem now has no meaning at all whatsoever because you tell the reader what it means. There is no deciphering of your poem. You might as well delete your poem and just leave the description.
I gave you a two for a rating because you do actually have a good poem. You just need to work on what I wrote to you above.
I think that your poem is pretty good, but there are some issues that need to be addressed. At first glance, I would recommend not capitalizing every letter. It is kind of "in the reader's face." I would not put the title in the body of the poem. Since you have, I would set it off with quotations. If the "Untold" is part of your poem, I would not put a space between this and the rest of your poem.
I would also stick to a regular rhyming pattern. "Enough" and "crouched" do not really rhyme. They don't even slant rhyme. I would also try to rhyme the last line of your poem with another line. "Stance", "dance", and "chance" do rhyme but it messes up the flow of your poem. You could make the last line into a couplet and rhyme it differently. Then it would be like a sonnet.
If you read your poem out loud you will be able to catch problems with your poem that would not be able to catch reading it silently.
Overall, I did like your poem. I like the imagery you use. You just need to fix the organizational issues.
I like the comparison between Tarzan and King Kong. Very clever. I like the imagery you use, but I think you could make this a little more poetic. It reads more like prose than a poem.
You tell the reader exactly what you want them to know and nothing else. I like poetry that has many layers to it. It allows the reader to read, reread, and read again and unravel the poem. Kind of like an onion.
I did like your poem, but there are always those who do not like your poem. And that is just a simple fact. Everyone is different and they all have things they like and things they don't like. I liked your poem, but it is a little too simple for me. The fact that you use good imagery and still make your poem so simple to understand is a very good skill. Poems are not always about the imagery, figurative language, and the multiple layers they produce but also about the content. You hit the hammer on the nail with this one.
Your poem is good. Quite, good but there are some issues that need to be addressed. The imagery is there and really captivates the reader. Although many poems have been written regarding the sea and variations of the two, I found this to be new and interesting.
As for the problems with the poem, there are some organizational issues. First off, your stanzas have uneven line numbers: Four, five, and five. This is not a problem, but some of the lines do rhyme. This messes up the flow. I am not sure if you tried to make it rhyme by dividing your lines up in odd places. This is another problem.
Another problem is the repetition of words. You repeat the word "churning" three times. The word "sea" is repeated three times. "Churning" is an adjective which is used to describe something whereas "sea" is a noun and is the setting of your poem. The repetition of "sea" is not as bad as the repetition of "churning."
Besides these few things, I would recommend reading your poem out loud. You divide your lines up on odd places. This messes up the flow of your poem. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch these issues. Usually when poets/writers divide their lines up in odd places, it is often for emphasis. Since you have fairly lengthy lines, you need to watch where you divide up your lines. It can really trip up the reader.
Overall, I liked the imagery you use in your poem. Your imagery really grasps the reader and thus gives the reader something to hold onto. However, because of the organizational issues and the repetition of the word churning, I am docking you points on my rating. Without the graphic imagery, I would have docked you more points. I like the theme of "holding on" throughout your poem and the theme of division at the end of your poem.
First off, I noticed an error right in the first line of your poem. Side ways should not have a space in it. It should read "sideways."
Lines nine and ten do not make any sense. Your lines read, "till even what little/was there is gone!" I believe you also meant "until" or "'til". The word "till" is something completely different. So, those two lines should read, "'Til even what little there/ was is gone." Or something along the lines of that.
In the third stanza, I think you should replace "that" with "the." It reads and sounds better.
You do have a theme that I don't think has ever been covered. (As far as I have read) It's good to have something new to read once in a while. I like the imagery you use, but I think you could use more. I think you could grasp the reader more. It is a somewhat of an unidentifiable topic. Not many readers can relate to this. I would suggest making your poem more universal without losing its touch.
The organization of your poem kind of messes up the flow a little bit. I would recommend reading your poem out loud. You should and will be able to catch these flow issues. The dialogue within your poem automatically slows down your poem because that is how a person reads. I would try to tidy up not necessarily the dialogue itself, but the sentences around the dialogue. Line spacing also affects this. I do like this portion of your first sentence though, ""around here'" looking side ways, she said," This really draws the reader in. If it were up to me, I would make only this part the first line.
First off, reviews are mean in their own way. If writings on here were perfect, which none can be, there wouldn't be this box here that I am typing in. "It's good" and "It's bad" just doesn't cut it for a critical review.
It you get a "mean" review, who cares? I have had many of them. A writer must keep on keeping on and write on. Ask anyone who is related to you or who you know very well, and they will probably tell that it's good or that it is good but their are some things you need to work on, in a polite way. To get a good review, you need someone that doesn't know you at all and the only connection by which they know you is from reading this poem or any other poem of yours.
There is a member on this site who is a preferred author who has never rated any of my poetry higher than a 3 and this member's reviews are even worse than that. But, for some reason, this member keeps reading and reviewing my writings. Something makes this member keep coming back. So keep your chin up. I have learned from harsh reviews. They will pay off in the end.
As for your poem:
In the second stanza, "Kept" and "HIdden" do not need to be capitalized.
I would recommend reading your poem out loud. Your poem has some flow issues. If you read your poem out loud, you should and will be able to catch these flow problems. The rhyme holds your poem together quite well, even though there is some slant rhyme. However, the flow problem tends to really mess this up at certain points.
I like the theme of your poem. It's not too emotional, not too tweeny, and it's not too whiny.
Other than than those few things, overall, I liked your poem.
You have a good point here, but I don't think it's much of a poem. Not to worry. I think this would be much better if it were written as an article or essay. It is good that you are interested and that you care, but I think you are only scratching the surface. You are not covering all of your bases with your poem. I would say conduct some further research and you will get much more information to work with, thus creating a better poem, article, or esay.
This could turn into a very long but very good piece of writing if you do the research for it. I think that it could attract a lot of attention due to the subject matter.
We have all experienced this and you are just restating something in a poetic form. We have all thought about and written about "kisses". We all know that feeling. The problem is, there are only so many ways to express it within the norm. And we have been trained to think of it in that way. Throw a monkey wrench into your poetry. Expand your horizons. What you said in nine lines has been better said in one. Think of a different way to express "the kisses." It's the same thing everyone has said. I would recommend doing a little research on word choice. Your overall theme will be the same, but your poem will take the reader into a completely different world, maybe even yours.
This poem is also good. Once again I like the imagery you use. You seem to have more of a vocabulary than most of the new members of this site. I do have one suggestion. Dividing up your poem into five stanzas may make your poem easier to read and follow. It is hard to let each line sink in when there is a constant flow of words. The spaces between each stanza will allow the reader to pause and think about what he or she just read. And then they can move onto the next stanza. In other words they will easier meditate on your poem and be able to peel through the layers. They would be lost by the time they get to the end of your poem. They won't have to reread some parts.
This poem is pretty good. You use a lot of literary conventions in the poem. I like the alliteration alongside the rhyme. I think it really helps the flow because your lines are fairly long. The only one I didn't like was "figuring up these figures." It sounds kind of awkward. I like the imagery you use. It is a lot darker than much of the poetry I have read on here. Darker in a good way and not the tweeny/emo poetry which I have been stumbling into lately.
This poem is much better than the last one. With the shortness of this poem your imagery really makes up for it. You have written in a certain way that the lines seem to unravel themselves. Whereas the lines in your last poem are taken at face value. There was no peeling of those lines. They were exactly what they said they were. Here, in this poem there are layers to each line.
Your poem is good but I find it too short to really strike my emotional chords. I could see this as being a chorus in a much longer poem. This seems like something that could be repeatable in a longer poem and wouldn't become tedious and redundant.
You have a nice poem here. I did, however find a few issues. First off, this may have been on purpose but the "on your" in the title of your poem has to be capitalized. Second, you do not need to capitalize the first word after a semicolon. I like how you capitalize "Pain", "Hurt", "Sorrow", and "Wise". This creates emphasis. I am more of a traditionalist in the sense that I would use "Because" instead of "Coz".
I like the imagery that you use and the rhyme really holds the poem together. The last line of your poem really hits home and ties your entire poem together.
Your poem is good, but there is room for much improvement. I like the imagery that you use but the problems with your poem outweigh the words. I would try to keep your stanzas all the same line number. I like how you rhyme but the rhyme pattern is irregular. I would stick to a regular rhyme pattern. This will help the flow of your poem. I would also take out the "BOO" in your poem. The more of your poem I read, the farther I sunk into it. (This is a good thing) The "BOO" in your poem brought me all the way back up. I lost concentration. You also need to watch where you divide up your lines. This also messes up the flow of your poem. If you read the poem out loud, you should be able to catch these flow problems.
You also have a few grammar issues.
Overall, I like your poem but the technical problems with it really tripped me up a little bit.
You have a nice well-rounded poem here. I also like that it is a sonnet. The rhyme really holds your poem together. However, I do have one suggestion to make. I believe your poem would read better if you were to divide it up into stanzas, thus having a couplet at the end.
Good prose. I would strongly recommend not trying to make this into a poem. I think it is good as it is, as prose. I like how you add the good end of the stereotype of how we judge people by the way they look in your prose.
You have a good theme going, but I have a few suggestions. First off, I would suggest reading your poem out loud. If you do so, you should and will be able to catch the flow problems in your poem. I would also suggest keeping an eye on your word choice. This can also mess up the flow of your poem. You should also realize this when you read your poem out loud.
The last line of your poem sounds a little juvenile. "...and one I would do again in a heartbeat". Because of the childish feeling that this line evokes, I feel it loses its emphasis. As an aspiring poet, I think the last line (or lines) should always be the line (or lines) to really attach the reader to the poem.
This is an interesting format you use. I think it works well with the theme you have. The internal rhyme really holds your poem together from front to back and back to front. (However, I don't agree with the whole sinning thing, I would more or less call sins mistakes.)
This poem is good. But I do have on suggestion. I think that you should make your poem longer. Three stanzas is just too short for a narrative poem. You do get your point across well and accurately. (Even though it is poetry). I think you should go into more detail of what he did. "He had a dream" but what was this dream?
I like your poem but I felt your ending was a little soggy. The ending is quite ambiguous. I think that adding one more line would better lead into the last line of your poem. It would be able to narrow down this ambiguity.
Your poem is pretty good, but it could be better. My first suggestion would be to read your poem out loud and see what happens. You have some major flow issues at the beginning of your poem and at the very end. When and if you do read your poem out loud you should be able to catch these flow issues. My second suggestion would be to keep the same rhyming pattern. I am assuming you were shooting for a ABCB rhyming pattern. Not all of your stanzas have this rhyme scheme.
I am going to give you gift points for the content of your poem. This was the strongest thing in your poem.
This poem is short and to the point. I like it. I would have to admit that I can relate to this poem in many ways. I like the imagery that you use. I have felt this way many times on my way home from work.
Your poem is good, but I am not sure what it is about. Of course, your poem could be about drowning in a literal sense, but as a poet I believe there is something below the surface of this. I am not sure quite exactly what that meaning is. There is no allusion to it. I found myself unable to peel off the first layer because I couldn't really find any layers beyond that. Your poem is exactly what it says it is. There is no room for interpretation. The poem only has one meaning, and to go beyond this, the poem is so ambiguous that it could have thousands of different meanings. The reader is left to interpret this poem at face value because whatever they believe the poem to be about could be true or completely wrong. Therefore, the only way to interpret this poem is at face value. This is the way I interpreted it and rated it.
Keep writing.
Sincerely,
B.T. Lane
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