You have an alright poem here. I have a few suggestions for you.
I am not sure what "My 'it' became the "COFFEE" sign" means.
Your poem is kind of hard to stick to. By the end of your poem, I felt myself saying "get to the point." And then I found out that there is no conclusion to your poem. You are ranting and raving about coffee or caffeine. The second to last line of your poem says what you said in your entire poem.
You have too much information that says nothing to the reader. You have all filler and no killer. Your poem may be better off as a piece of prose.
You have a good start to your poem. However, there is much room for improvement. The content is there but you need to work on the technical problems of your poem.
"Bus-stop" is spelled bus stop.
These two lines are missing some words, "Waiting the bus to / get their destination."
In the sixth stanza, first line, I am not sure who the "they" is you are referring to.
In the last stanza, third line, I believe "the" should be "they."
Proofread before you post. If you read your poem out loud you should be able to catch many of the errors within your poem.
I like the imagery you use. You describe 'love' very well until you get to the end of your poem. Your poem holds the reader until you get to the end of your poem. I think that your ending is the worst part of your poem. Your poem is solid throughout until you get to the last stanza. To me, this poem is more of a stanza that would be included in the body of your poem rather than being the closing stanza. My suggestion to you would be to either add a stanza or change the last stanza to have more of a punch at the end. I would try to keep things as they are and add a closing stanza. You give something for the reader to hold onto throughout your poem and then let it all go at the end. The reader is left hanging at the end looking for that closure.
This poem is much better than the last one. The rhyme holds your poem together quite well, and I like the longer flowing lines. This really helps your poem unravel. My only suggestion would be to fix the last line of the second stanza. The "his life" is the part that needs to be changed. I think you can find something to put in there to maintain the flow.
Your poem is short and to the point. A lot is portrayed in just eight lines. I did notice some things which need to be addressed.
In the first stanza, last line, "By mountains, woods and stream." I think the line would read better if the nouns were equally distributed. So the line would read like this, "By mountain, wood [,] or stream" or "By mountains, woods[,] or streams."
You need a period at the end of the first line of the second stanza and a quotation mark at the end of the second line.
Also, in the second line of the second stanza. I would put an apostrophe in "time's" or change it to "time has gone by."
I love the imagery of this poem. This is very Walt Whitman-esque but with a twist. It's like Whitman and Ginsberg combined. My only suggestion to you would be to spruce up the fifth stanza. I think that it falls behind in imagery and meaning compared to your other stanzas. It does not pack as much as a punch as the other ones did. This may be due to the fact that your poem is longer and it's the second to last stanza. You keep the reader interested up until that point and your poem starts to drag on a little bit. I think a little work will keep the reader interested all of the way until the end. Your last stanza was good and the ending works with your poem.
There is way too much repetition in this poem and not enough meat. Out of the twelve lines of your poem, three do not repeat.However, you could play with this repetition and splice the lines and then combine them with the other halves of the lines to give your poem a twist:
"Something about the "minute movies,"
time playing a thrill
Renewing the ties in my mind
Making the past standing still."
Your poem is good, and I like the content of your poem along with the main theme. There are some flow issues however. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch them.
I have some suggestions for you. Read this out loud:
"Dr. Seuss and Mother Goose--
Each told a very fine rhyme.
With Horton and Miss Muffett,
Our children had [the] [finest] time."
(I would also change one of the "fines" in this stanza". Too much repetition)
"But now it is all [on] video;
Reading [is] a thing of the past.
[A]/[The] parents'/[s] biggest concern:
How long [will] the batteries last." (This line sounds find with and without the "will")
Your poem is good to an extent but it only does so much for the reader. The reader only experiences what he or she reads. Your poem does not contain any layers to peel off and analyze. Your poem only has one layer. Your poem does not give the reader much to hold onto by the end of your poem. Your poem is short but does not pack much of a punch. Only one thing happens, a bite. I would try to put more emotion into your poem.
This is a topic that has been written about a thousand and one times, but you have made it your own. I think that this poem has made the cut. The imagery you use is good, the rhyme is good, and the one thing that was the breaker was the conclusion to your poem. This summed up your whole poem. You remained steady through out your poem and then brought everything together at the end.
My only suggestion to you would be to change the organization of your poem. The line numbers of your stanzas are uneven. I would change it to two line stanzas or to one stanza. Either way I would read your poem out loud and see how it reads and which way reads better.
In the last line of the third stanza, "sang" should be "sung."
"American blood stained foreign soil, while families prayed and cried." With this line you have to watch what you write. It was "American blood" on "American soil." Technically it was British blood on British soil. It didn't become American soil until the revolution. You could say something like British blood on "American soil." Or "American blood" on "American soil."
Once again you have to watch your spaces between your commas. "Then for the sins of you and me[], he became the sacrifice."
But I'm the one[], Yes[,] I'm the reason that these wars were fought." The "y" in yes does not need to be capitalized.
"For I am an American[], and freedom's my birthright."
In the first line of the tenth stanza, there is always a price to pay for freedom. I am not sure if "bought" is the right word. There is a difference between the right word and the almost right word.
I would change this line to this: "I'm the one, [y]es I'm the reason, cause He died knowing [my] name."
I would strongly recommend making these changes as soon as possible. You will know why.
Well done. The rhyme and imagery really make the poem well-rounded. I do have some suggestions for you. You need to fix the spacing between your commas in the sixth and eighth stanzas. Your last stanza does not rhyme. This doesn't fit with the rest of your poem seeing as the rest of your poem rhymes. You could include more words after "man" and put "Inside is my papow" on a whole new line. I don't think it would make much of a difference because it is the very last line of your poem and also the conclusion.
I also don't believe the "I" in "Inside" needs to be capitalized. The way you wrote it just adds more emphasis to those four words.
You have a good start to your poem. There are some issues that need to be addressed.
At first look, your poem seems to rhyme. It does, but the rhyme is not constant nor consistent. I would make your poem rhyme or not make it rhyme at all. This combination messes up the flow of your poem.
In the second stanza, the second and third lines need question marks after them since you have a question mark after the last line of the first stanza.
In the second stanza, the third and fourth lines we be easier to follow if you they were written like this, "But you know the "us" that is "we" /
And you know the true me "that" no one else has ever seen." The "that" is strictly optional but I would strongly recommend you put quotation marks around "us" and "we."
The imagery that you use in the first two lines of the third stanza conflicts each other. "One plus one equals two to you /
And flaws become perfections." You say that something is right about this person and then you say something is wrong about this person. In other words one plus one does equal two. This is not a flaw. But the flaws become perfections. I would say one plus one equals three or two plus two equals five. I would go with the former because the form of the latter is included in a song.
I like the imagery you use. You just need to polish up the organization and technical problems.
Your poem is good all of the way through until you get to the end. Your poem has rhyme and slant rhyme. Which is okay. But then as the reader gets to the end, it appears you are missing the last line of your poem. "Down" does not rhyme with "fade either." If you added another line you could make the last two lines of your poem rhyme. Then your poem would be a sonnet. Either way I would fix the rhyme in your poem. It really through me off towards the end of your poem.
Here is your rhyme scheme: ABCBABCBABCDA
If you fix this problem, I think you would have a very good poem.
You have a good start to your poem, but there is a need for some massive revision.
"Not sure why[ ]he's even awake." There needs to be a space between "why" and "he."
"He walke[d] slowly down the never-ending hall," There needs to be a "d" in "walke[d]."
You also need to watch your tenses. Stick to the same tense. Your poem is mostly in past tense, but there are some sentences that are in the present tense.
You also need to watch your repetition. You repeat the word "boy" five times and you repeat the word "he" twenty times within your poem.
Always proofread before you post. Read your poem out loud and see how it sounds to you.
As for the subject matter, this has been written about many times before. Make it unique. Make your poem stand out from all of the others like this. Use some more poetic devices.
My first suggestion to you would be to change the font of your poem. It is very difficult to read with the font you have chosen. This may just be because it is in bold.
In the second stanza, last line, "seems" should be "seams."
In the last stanza, third line, I would take out "that." The line would read better.
Overall, I liked your poem. You just need to work your spelling and read your poem out loud a couple times to smooth up the rough edges.
Your poem is pretty good but there are a few issues that need to be addressed. Although the rhyme scheme in your poem is irregular, the flow of your poem seems to remain constant throughout most of your poem. The only time where the flow slows down is at the end of your poem. The flow starts to slow down with this line, "I miss your sound." If you read your poem out loud you will be able to notice a change in pace.
Your poem lacks punctuation, but there is no problems because of it in this poem. If you are looking for emphasis in the last few lines of your poem I would take out/ put in a few commas. There are many ways the composer can do this and it is ultimately up to you. I would just try to speed up the flow of those last few lines without them losing meaning.
Your poem is pretty good but the organization makes your poem very difficult to read and follow. I would suggestion reading your poem out loud. The shortness of your lines and the use of a comma every other line made your poem really choppy. The flow of your poem speeds up, slows down, speeds up, then slows down again.
With the problem addressed above and the length of your poem, I thought your poem would never end. This is a very easy problem to fix. Make your four line stanzas in two lines or one line. The end didn't come soon enough. A poem should unravel, but your poem takes too long to unravel. It is a narrative poem, but it is not a short story.
Your poem is pretty good. The only problem I had with your poem is that some of the imagery used in your poem is quite ordinary and seen a lot in poems. Some of your imagery is quite good and some of it is elementary. All "trees stand tall" unless they are lying on the ground.
Also, your rhyme seemed forced in some areas. This also has to do with the imagery.
You poem is pretty good (and rather depressing). I do have some suggestions for you. In the second to last stanza, third line, "to" should be "too." This is also the case with the "to" in the last line of your poem.
My second suggestion would be to read your poem out loud to smooth out some of the rough edges in your poem. The flow of your poem is not constant and it slows down in some areas. If you do read your poem out loud, you should and will be able to catch these issues.
My first suggestion would be to proofread before you post.
You have a good start to your poem. I would suggest adding more to your poem. You repeat three stanzas of your poem and only two stanzas are not repeated. I would also refrain from asking so many questions in your poem. So many questions distracts the reader. I found myself answering your questions more than reading and analyzing your poem.
There are some organizational issues with your poem. Your lines are very short. I would suggest combining them to make them longer. A poem does not have to be longer to be good. I like the imagery you use along with the rhyme. That is if your poem was better organized.
I would suggest reading your poem out loud. You will and should be able to catch many more mistakes than you did while reading it silently.
"Snow flakes" should be one word, "Snowflakes."
"When will [the] sky open for rain?"
This line makes no sense, "What's in for new you call it a change."
You have a good poem here. Some of the first letters of your lines are capitalized and some are not. I would stick to all capitalized or only the lines that need to be capitalized.
In the last stanza, third line, "alway" should be "alway[s]"
There are some flow issues. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch these problems.
You have a good start to your poem. I would suggest making your poem longer with more description about this "land." If you do, I think that repeating the first stanza would be a good idea. This would probably make your poem more like a nursery rhyme. This is not a bad thing. Your poem kind of reminded me of "Grimm's Fairy Tales".
You have a good start to your poem, but it needs an ending. The last stanza should tie it all together and give the reader something to hold onto. I felt after reading your poem that you need two more stanzas that follow suit to the rest of your poem and then one last stanza that really drives a spike through the readers heart. With the last stanza, the last line should follow suit with the rest of your stanzas. The stanza should include something "you didn't know" that ties together all of your poem into one single point.
You also repeat "didn't" in the second stanza, second line.
You have some punctuation issues that make your poem a little confusing to read.
I would suggest reading your poem out lout to catch these issues.
Should these lines read like this? "He said, "You know, sometimes I don't want to love her anymore," / And I didn't understand. / They were a perfect couple...."
Or should they read as you wrote them? "He said, You know sometimes I don't want to love her anymore, " and I didn't understand / they were a perfect couple / and he said he was afraid...."
There are multiple ways of reading these lines. I gave you two. You know what you meant to say, but with the punctuation and where the line breaks are, the lines become difficult to follow for the reader.
Sincerely,
I Will Sleep When I Am Dead
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