justme's (debwrites) Reviews

justme

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#2878793

Review of Untitled

Review by justme

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Dear Writer,

Um... first, have you looked at your title?

I don't think that's what you wanted to say; at least it doesn't fit with the story thus far. I think you want untitled.

Now, on to the review...

As you said in your description, this story is still isn't finished. It left me a little confused as to what direction it's going in. Because it is more of a draft than a finished and polished work I hesitate to say a lot about it because I know it will change before the writing of a final draft.

Here are a few things I noticed right off.

Repetition: A lot of the information is stated two or three times in different words. As you continue to write I'm sure you'll trim a little of this out but I've included one eample to show you the kind of things I'm talking about:

It's so unfair, I thought to myself, for the hundred and fourth time as I scrubbed and scrubbed.

Thoughts should actually be in italics, not bold. The comma is not a part of the thought so should not be included in the italics as it is included in the bold print above. Having the thought in italics alerts the reader to the idea that it is a thought of the character so it is optional whether you say I thought or not. I thought to myself is redundant. Who else would one think something to? For the hundred and fourth time is an exaggeration that doesn't need to be included. You haven't gone back to review the other hundred and three times the thought had entered the character's mind so they mustn't have been important. Scrubbed and scrubbed is also an exaggeration that isn't needed. You've already stated that the character is pushing and pulling the brush across the floor, so the scrubbing and scrubbing is repetitive.

Technically, this entire sentence could be reduced to:

It's so unfair, I thought. OR It's so unfair.

Wordiness: There are quite a few wordy areas in your writing. Again, I'm sure a lot of it will be trimmed out as you continue to write, rewrite, edit, and polish. Here is one example:

As usual the next morning, I woke up in the servants dormantry, surrounded by girls my age and older, some I knew, some I didn't.

As usual isn't essential. Neither is n the morning. As you tell this portion it becomes apparant that it is morning, so it doesn't need to be stated.

I awoke in the servants' dormatory surrounded by girls my age and older.

I left out the part about knowing some and not knowing others because it isn't important to the story or at least doesn't seem to be in the amount you have shared here.

Since the dormatory belongs to the servants, it should be a plural possessive: servants'.

Your description indicates that this work isn't finished and, most likely, is still in the draft stages. I hope these ideas and suggestions help to inspire you as you continue writing your story. I'm going to bookmark this item so I can keep an eye on its progress.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Deborah

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#2878768

Review of A Few Simple Words

Review by justme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Dear Writer,

Thank you for sharing this story. I liked the message and it came through in the telling. Your descriptions created great imagery that was easy for readers to visualize. You characters were strong and it was easy to identify with most of them. Evelynn was not quite as dimensional as the two main characters, but she was believable.

The emotional content was good but could have had much greater impact. For instance:

Instantly, something freezing cold crept through my body and paralyzed me. My stomach plummetted and my feet felt like they had been fused to the floor. I didn't dare yell for a teacher in case she saw me from the other end of the hall and turned the gun on me. I wanted badly to scream at Charlie to run, but I couldn't.

My blood froze and crept through my veins, chilling my body; terror sent my stomach into a freefall. My mind raced. If I yell for a teacher, will she turn the gun on me? I wanted so badly to to scream at Charlie to run, but my lips were paralyzed by fear; my feet fused to the floor.

Giving the reader a glimpse into the main character's thoughts will help to build the relationship between the reader and the character, thus prompting them to read on and see what happens.

There is quite a bit of wordiness in your writing which tends to slow the pace where the story should be rolling along at a pretty good clip. Here is one example:

You could hear a pin drop in the classroom. (Cliche') I was stunned. Everyone's eyes were fixed on Charlie, my best friend. [How could the boy who had saved the school from a shooting suddenly take the shooter's side?] I remember feeling (felt) betrayed and hurt. I had been there, [I had seen her raise the gun and prepare to pull the trigger.]..

This passage begins with a cliche that isn't needed to emphasize the point. If you want to say something about the silence, make it original so it holds a deeper meaning. You could try something like Every stunned eye followed Charlie as he returned to his seat. That would give the reader a better picture of what happened and also help impart some additional emotion into the scene. It would also tie several thoughts together and reduce the excessive wordiness. There is a lot of information repeated here that the reader already knows. There are also several opportunities to allow the main character to express his thoughts again.

Every stunned eye followed Charlie as he returned to his seat. How could the boy who had saved the school from a shooting suddenly take the shooter's side? I felt hurt and betrayed. I saw her raise the gun and prepare to pull the trigger.

There are many other places in the story where the emotional impact could be dramatically increased and the wordiness could be reduced.

In conclusion, you have a great story that deserves to be told. With a little work and polish you could turn the great story you have into something terrific!

Thanks so much for sharing your work here. I look forward to reading more,

Deborah

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#2878580

Review of The Day the Light Came on in Georgia

Review by justme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Dear Jeanne,

What a tragic tale! It is wonderfully told; your words had me holding my breath on the edge of my seat hoping you'd get away. of course, logic tld me you had to get away because you lived to write the story, but my heart worried for you just the same.

There were a few parts that were a little wordy but they helped convey the terror and shock you were feeling at those times. You brought so much emotion into your scenes, which were also vivid and easy to picture.

Excellent writing. I'll be back soon to read more.

{{Hugs}}
Deborah

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#2878246

Review of Ponderings...

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Dear Nila Audura Tala,

What a beautiful poem. The flowing rhythm of your words draws the reader along and brings them to the same realization you describe in the final stanza.

Your style and pace in this poem are perfect for the subject matter. I liked the repeat of the second line of the first, second, and third stanzas. It really gets the reader thinking of things they might do over and over.

I didn't see any errors or problems at all. I enjoyed every word.

Thank you for sharing this little snapshot of your life,
Deborah

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#2878234

Review of Letting Go

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for sharing your poem. I enjoyed the progression of the emotions and the beautiful imagery you created. The lake of emotions and how, like a literal lake, it has to be cleaned to have an appealing sheen.

The flow of your words was smooth and soothing, and the message comforting and hopeful. The calm and peaceful ending was as soft as a sigh.

My only suggestion has to do with the first line of the concluding stanza. The poem is so personal up until that line. My would continue that introspective sensitivity rather than skew it toward the impersonal side at the very end. Just a thought.

I'm so glad I got to read this. Thank you.
Deborah

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#2877595

Review of Solitary, Time and a Pink Thumbdrive

Review by justme

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Dear Writer,

It has been a pleasure to read your work. Please accept the following review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written. All of the ideas herein are only suggestions that you can use or discard as you see fit.

Beginning: I loved the opening paragraph. It gives the reader some insight into the process you went through to write your story and an idea of the time you put into your work. Including the title gives the reader something to look forward to: Hmm. I’ll have to see if that story is in his port. It also leads the reader to wonder what the writing of a story has to do with the three things mentioned in your title. Guess they have to keep reading to find out.

Middle: The body of your work proceeds smoothly from one topic to the next, bringing the reader along on your search for the thumb drive, your journey through memories, and the exploration of why you feel certain ways about what you experienced. There are many details described but you weave them throughout your text in a way that makes them part of the story. But how do they all fit together? Have to keep reading…

Ending: In one very brief paragraph you compress all the things you spoke of throughout the story which, whether intentional or unintentional, gives the reader a better idea of what you’re talking about in regards to compressing memories. Then you sum it all up in two sentences, first saying it doesn’t matter and then explaining a change in perspective, going on to tell what you’ve done since that time. You mention two more story titles, giving the reader more reason to visit your port. I’m glad you included that you finally found the pink thumb drive; I’d have wondered about that forever if you hadn’t.

I look forward to reading more of the experiences you had during this time, should you write of them.

Overall Impression: Your style was conversational, relaxed, and easy to follow. Your descriptions, though detailed, were done in such a way that they were seamlessly woven throughout the story and didn’t feel like a list of details. Through the lack of detail given about the cell-block, other than its shape and the noise of the television, the reader is left with the impression of its drabness. There’s a feeling of sensory deprivation and then the overwhelming feeling of overload with the loud music echoing through bare, hard halls. I wished I had some earplugs myself! I found it a very enjoyable piece offering insight into the effects of different experiences and how these times are recalled. I liked it very much.

TECHNICAL REVIEW

In the text below, red text is your original wording. Blue text shows suggestions. These suggestions are in no way an attempt to rewrite your story or tell you what to do. Please accept this review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written, using anything you feel is of benefit and discarding that which doesn’t work for you.

"A Christmas Best".

Story titles should be italicized and don’t need quotation marks. This one appears twice and there are two others that each appear twice throughout the story.

…USB thumb drive. It's pink, so…

The separation of these sentences makes the thought a little disjointed. They could be joined with a semi-colon to keep them connected in a continuous flow. You start by referencing the idea that many people store their information on thumb drives; you could distinguish yours from those everyone else uses by saying mine is or mine’s rather than it’s, making the reference to your particular device more specific.

Like many these days, I store my stuff on a USB thumb drive; mine’s pink, so I can find it when I look.

…re-traced…

Retraced is a word on its own and doesn’t need to be hyphenated.

…months were compressed. Compressed, as in,…

These two sentences could be joined with a semi-colon so that the second sentence is not incomplete. It would also help keep the thought more coherent and lessen the effect of the repeated word.

If desired, the second compressed could be removed.

You might also replace the comma after as in with a colon.

I realized my memories of those months were compressed; compressed, as in: time compression.

After many sleepless nights, I learned from a fellow inmate, it is a good idea to squish up wet toilet paper into little balls, then wrap it with salvaged "Saran-wrap" used to cover meals and stuff it in my ears.

There is a lot of information crammed into this one long sentence. By making a few slight changea, the sentence could be divided into two, the first introducing the details contained in the second, thus making a smoother transition and more conversational flow:

After many sleepless nights, I learned a trick from a fellow inmate. I could block the noise if I squished up wet toilet paper into little balls, wrapped it with salvaged “Saran-Wrap” used to cover meals, and stuffed it in my ears.

I adjusted to my new environment during the initial two weeks and four days of my stay.

This sentence seems out of place. The one before talks about reading 2 books a day for six and a half months. The one after it tells that those books helped you retain your sanity. This sentence might fit better up in the paragraph where the fellow inmate tells you how to make earplugs. It would work at the beginning of that paragraph or at the end. If you put it at the end, you might preface it with the transitional word thus, as this is where you begin talking about what you were able to do once the noise was blocked.

I decided to start writing. Usually between ten…

Using a comma here instead of a period would keep the second sentence from being incomplete.

…thumb drive(oh…

A space is missing between drive and the beginning of the parenthetical statement.

…yeah...I found…

A space is needed before or after the ellipsis. I would suggest putting it after the ellipsis before I. This would show that oh, yeah is a fragmented thought.

I found it, too... inside my laptop case…

This ellipsis would actually be better as a colon, relating the fragment statement of where back to the statement that it had been found.

…case),

There’s no need for the comma. If you remove the parenthetical statement the sentence wouldn’t need the comma:

So, I think I will take the handwritten files and use the keyboard to put those other stories on my pink thumb drive and clean them up as I do it.

…clean them up as I do it.

As I go would give a smoother finish to this sentence, showing the determination to make progress in the project you spoke of.

…put the other stories on my pink thumb drive and clean them up as I go.

Then, I will start on some of those now decompressed memories while alone in a cell for seven months.

I know what you mean in this sentence but it isn’t what you said. This sentence makes it sound like you are going back into solitary confinement for seven months instead of planning to write about the time you spent there.

Then I will start on some of those now decompressed memories of the seven months I spent alone in a cell.

In Conclusion: I always love reading your work. It feels like having a conversation. Your writing style here is smooth, flowing, easy to follow, and personable. It makes the reading enjoyable and easy to understand. I look forward to reading more of your stories soon.

Thank you for sharing your work,
Deborah

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#2877406

Review of A Sudden Cloudburst

Review by justme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Dear Jyo,

Somehow I can always tell when I’m going to one of your stories. The lovely names in the titles are one way but your brief descriptions are beautifully done and always intriguing, drawing me in and making me want to read the work. Today I finally have time and I am so lucky that some of your items were listed today.

The following ideas are only the views and opinions of one person. Please accept and use whatever you find beneficial in the spirit of helpfulness in which they were written and discard the rest.

Beginning: The opening is good. It brings the reader right into the emotion and introduces several of the characters, sets up the scene, and immediately gets into the action.

Middle: The body of the story progresses at a good pace. The action moves along well and is clear and easy to understand with good imagery.

Ending: The conclusion seemed to skip a bit. It felt like a huge chunk of time was skipped over between the time Nanni and her mother left until they saw Tara at the temple. Nanni’s mother says, “She confided in you years ago…” For me, it felt like a sudden jolt when everything else had moved so smoothly from one scene to the next. Once I got past that, I liked the end. Nanni and her mother were happy and independent, safe from the domestic violence they had known before.

Overall Impression: I always enjoy your work. You have a very unique style of writing and excellent word choices. The flow of the story is well-timed and filled with sensory simulation that ignites the imagination.

TECHNICAL REVIEW

In the text below, red text is your original wording. Blue text shows suggestions. These suggestions are in no way an attempt to rewrite your story or tell you what to do. They are merely examples of the ideas and suggestions discussed throughout the review. They are intended to be helpful and to inspire you to look at your work through the eyes of the reader in order to see the potential for improvement and/or expansion if you ever desire to do further work on it. Please accept this review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written, using anything you can to improve in your writing skills and discarding that which doesn’t work for you.

Nikhil’s arms semaphored an enthusiastic…

While I know this word is being used metaphorically, it doesn’t sit well with me because semaphore incorporates flags or lights and no flags or lights were used here.

.. ear, “be…

The first word in dialogue should be capitalized.

He was facing half away from his best friend and could not see…

This portion is very wordy. Whether he was looking directly at her or looking halfway at her, he didn’t see the look on her face.

He did not see the deepening look of agony upon his best friend’s face…

She had tears that welled…

This portion is also wordy and keeps the story from moving along at the same pace as the rest of it.

Tears welled…

then obeying gravity, they (and) slowly trickled…

As interesting as this phrase is, it states the obvious and slows the pace. The entire portion crossed out above, including the semi-colon, can be replaced with and.

Nikhil’s arm had been curved around thin hunched shoulders…

This passage is awkward and gives the reader an image of Nikhil in a physically awkward position.

Nikhil put his arm around her thin hunched shoulders…

His stood before her in (He was) bewildered fashion…

This is another awkward passage. If you keep it, his should be he.

He was bewildered, unsure why…

…a look that said I have passed the limit.

Just for my own clarification, did Nanni’s look say she had passed her limit or did it tell Nikhil he had passed the limit of what she was going to stand? I was just a little confused here.

…a look that said I have passed my limit.

…a look that said you have passed your limit.

She knew the child well, quiet…

The comma here would be better as a colon. She refers to Nikhil’s mother so it is confusing whether or not the attributes stated after the comma apply to her or to Nanni. The colon would clearly refer the attributes back to Nanni.

…had positively blossomed when told…

This is a beautiful expression and creates a vivid image of this beautiful, shy little girl giving her friend’s mother a beautiful handmade card, her nervous smile growing into a true, heartfelt smile of pride and gratitude at the praise of her usually unrecognized talent. Absolutely wonderful.

…a thin trickle of blood wound down one shin and made a thin red border to one ankle sock.

If there could be a beautiful description of a wound, this would be it.

Another wonderful combination of words creating vivid imagery for the reader.

The rigid body…

This sounds awkward and harsh. It could be softened by saying:

The girl’s rigid body… OR Nanni held her rigid position, resisting…

The head bent closer to Tara in slow surrender, the arms wound around her neck in a desperate need for comfort. Hiccoughs of grief rent the little body as she wept in a frenzy of relief.

This passage feels a little disembodied as you refer to Nanni by her body parts. Using her or the name would make it a little more personal.

…and walked back.

Walked back where? This feels incomplete. Did she go inside? To the back yard? To the porch? Telling where she walked back to would allow the reader to imagine a more complete picture.

…proof of Nanni’s revival and scorn…

A comma after revival would help the reader to separate Nanni’s revival from the scorn she had toward her friend’s not comprehending her statement.

…innermost secret, only the…

This comma would make a stronger separation of the two parts of the sentence, hence giving the reader a better understanding of the meaning, if it was a semi-colon.

As the tale progressed it became more assured…

Did the tale became more assured or did the child’s voice telling the tale become more assured?

As the tale progressed, the child’s voice became more assured…

…miseries that bowed that little flower…

This is another beautiful description, full of vivid imagery. It seems to relate back to the other description I commented on, where she blossomed at receiving praise. Lovely.

…they both were sucked into the whirlpool of her experiences….

This is unclear. Does both refer to Nanni and Tara or Tara and her son?

At the end, you only need the ellipsis or the period, not both.

…Math book…

Math doesn’t need to be capitalized. This occurs several times throughout your story.

…five minutes flat; but had gained…

This semi-colon only needs to be a comma.

…swift and firm. Thirteen sharp…

This period would be better as a colon. The sentence that follows it is incomplete. Pairing it with the sentence preceding it by the use of a colon would make it a complete statement.

…chair; just so sleep would not make her tardy in opening the door..

There’s no need of any punctuation after chair. There is also an extra period at the end of the sentence.

He loomed over the young child, her guilt made her feel threatened;

The comma here would be better as a semi-colon, and the semi-colon would be better as a period.

…she made a crab-like sideways retreat. She got a light shove and a growl of “shut the door.”

Another great, image-producing description.

Beginning a new sentence with she made a crab-like… would allow you to join it to the next sentence. A little rewording would smooth the repetitive she. You could also use a colon after growl, then capitalize shut in the dialogue.

She made a crab-like sideways retreat and received a light shove accompanied by a growl: “Shut the door.”

…staggering one step backwards

…backward…

She put out a hand to save herself…

This is awkward and a bit on the wordy side. Put out a hand could be reduced to reached out. The awkward save herself might be rendered steady herself because save creates the image that she might be fending off a blow from her father when really she is trying to keep from falling.

…unbidden tears. Tears only…

This period could be a semi-colon, keeping the thoughts about the tears joined together in one sentence.

…three months old, my shoes last…

This comma would be better as a semi-colon to join these two complete thoughts regarding the shoes.

…anything correctly. No wonder…

This period could be a semi-colon, again, joining the two related thoughts into one sentence to make them more cohesive for the reader.

A final push brought…

A push makes something go away; a pull makes something come closer. Here, Nanni’s father pushes her, which conflicts with brought You might use sent instead:

A final push sent her sprawling…

…at his feet, as…

The comma here isn’t needed. It divides and separates the thought and makes the actions seem disjointed instead of simultaneous.

…first one sho,e then another…

First, there is the obvious typo of the misplaced comma. Second, another gives the feeling that there are more than two shoes. The other would have more finality:

…first one shoe, then the other…

…beloved drawings, instead of…

This comma isn’t needed. Instead makes a better comparison between the two actions without it.

…tossed about her fore-head…

No hyphen is needed here.

…gave the cheek a feather-soft pat…

The is impersonal; her would be better because it will keep Nanni as a person instead of a thing.

…and turned towards her mother…

…toward…

…half-asleep.She was…

There is a space missing between the period and she.

The sobs had long quietened now; but much…

…quieted… The now isn’t needed. The semi-colon isn’t necessary because the but makes a strong enough transition between the two thoughts.

…the anti-septic was a re-entering…

Neither of these words needs to be hyphenated. Each of them are words on their own: antiseptic and reentering.

…two knees in adorned…

In isn’t needed.

…the eyes were wide…

This the would be more personal as her.

“Told …”, here her voice trailed off.

With the ellipsis there is no need for the comma. The ellipsis indicates a longer than usual pause to the reader so here isn’t needed.

…laid out for her, before…

The comma isn’t needed.

The inevitable occurred, she was soon…

This comma should be a semi-colon.

[i}Papa…

Typo in the ML tag. I can’t find a concluding tag for this opener, either.

…knew that he was a strict…

You might replace he with her husband since you’ve been talking about Nanni and Jaya and haven’t mentioned him in this paragraph.

…with her, also he…

This is a rough spot in the text. The comma would be better as a semi-colon. The also isn’t needed.

The maid and the neighbour’s spinster aunt both saw the rapid swelling of the cheek and the trickle of blood from the nose.

Does both apply to the maid and the neighbour’s aunt or to the swelling and bloody nose? Where it is, it seems like they both saw and something else, but nothing else follows. You could start the sentence with both and then it would be clearer.

Both the maid and the neighbour’s spinster aunt saw the rapid swelling of the cheek and the trickle of blood from the nose.

…the cheek… …the nose…

In both these places the would be more personal as her.

She never went back, not even to collect her things…

Just before this you say Jaya got her purse and led Nanni from the house. This sentence continues the thought so it would be better for it to be plural in both instances above so the reader knows Nanni wasn’t made to go back to her father.

They never went back, not even to collect their things…

Jaya was wary of attempts to weasel out her address and just mentioned that she stayed beyond the city now.

This would have more of an impact if Jaya actually made a reply instead of the narrative telling the reader she did.

Wary of attempts to weasel out her address, Jaya replied, “Nanni and I stay out beyond the city now.”

Yes, a real change; it is one for the better.

This is a little awkward to read. It could be reduced to one.

Yes, a real change; one for the better.

…I would never heave let my child…

Typo: have.

…still chattering…

Hyphenating this phrase would keep the words linked so the reader doesn’t think Nanni was being still, as that is how it sounds at first.

…soft dignity, “we…

We should be capitalized.

This was the despairing near-wail from Tara.

This is wordy and a bit confusing. Near-wail jumps out at the reader and causes distraction. If you don’t want to go so far as calling her reply a wail, call it something less: a complaint, a whine…

“The priest? Why would he be bothered?” Tara agonized in despair.

…job.” Jaya…

This period should be a comma to connect the dialogue to the dialogue tag.

…entities, and cities…

This comma isn’t needed.

In Conclusion: Your work is always a joy to read. Your characters are well-developed, your plots interesting, and your settings realistic and believable. I always learn something when I read your stories because they include cultural differences that I’ve never experienced and I really love that.

I hope you find something of use in this review. I’ll be back to read more of your work soon.

Thanks,
Deborah

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#2876745

Review of Death

Review by justme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

My Dear Writer,

What a tragic and heartwrenching poem. Your imagery is intense and, though simple and short, your poem reaches to great emotional depths and touches the reader's soul with the turmoil and loneliness of which you speak.

I cannot even imagine the sorrow and grief you are experiencing, but through your words I am able to at least feel a portion of it. I've often heard it said that a grief shared is divided exponentially among those with whom it is shared as each takes a portion of it and helps to carry the burden; but a grief hidden and kept to one's self is multiplied tenfold and becomes too great to bear. How often I have experienced the truth in that.

May your writing be a healing to your heart and soul, and those reading it, a soothing and gentle touch to bind up your wounds and comfort your troubled spirit.

Peace, blessings, and comfort,
Deborah

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#2876743

Review of Death

Review by justme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

My Dear Writer,

What a tragic and heartwrenching poem. Your imagery is intense and, though simple and short, your poem reaches to great emotional depths and touches the reader's soul with the turmoil and loneliness of which you speak.

I cannot even imagine the sorrow and grief you are experiencing, but through your words I am able to at least feel a portion of it. I've often heard it said that a grief shared is divided exponentially among those with whom it is shared as each takes a portion of it and helps to carry the burden; but a grief hidden and kept to one's self is multiplied tenfold and becomes too great to bear. How often I have experienced the truth in that.

May your writing be a healing to your heart and soul, and those reading it, a soothing and gentle touch to bind up your wounds and comfort your troubled spirit.

Peace, blessings, and comfort,
Deborah

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#2876563

Review of All We Have

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear Writer,

I am so sad for you. There is so much emotion in your poem. My prayers and my heart go out to you and your family. My dearest friend fought breast cancer; I thank God she is a survivor. I wrote a story for her about some of her experiences. I'd be happy to share it with you if you would like to read it.

I didn't see any errors or misspellings. The emotion simply pours from your words and the images are clear in my mind as I read each line. My only suggestion would be in regards to formatting. If you separate the lines into stanzas of two lines each, the reader would be able to absorb more of their meaning and emotional impact before going on to the next stanza.

My thoughts and prayers for hope and a cure.

All my best,
Deborah

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#2875499

Review of MOONLIGHT IN THE MOUNTAINS

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear ShiShad,

Your Country Music lyrics are lovely. The imagery is so clear and vivid. It brings back memories of our vacation a few years ago when we stayed a log cabin near Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. We had a hot tub on the back porch and the mountains were lovely, the skies so close you felt you could touch them...

The rhythm is well-balanced; I can almost hear the music. Do you have music to accompany your lyrics yet? It would be great to hear it all together.

I didn't find any errors of note; it is a bit repetitive. Songs, of course, usually have a chorus that repeats, but it seems this could use another verse or two to spread those repeats out a little. Just my opinion.

I really enjoyed reading your work and will visit your port soon for more.

Thanks for sharing this,
Deborah

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#2873532

Review of Getting On With My Day

Review by justme

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Dear Jeanne,

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful and heartwarming tribute. Special needs children are so often misunderstood, pushed aside, and even feared, but they are so wonderful, loving, and beautiful in their great capacity for loving and accepting others. We should all learn so much from them.

I was born a year after your daughter: December 30, 1966.

Your story is beautifully written and held my attention and my heart from beginning to end. There's sort of a guarded excitement as you let the animals out and then the slow sadness of getting on with the day. The transition is beautifully done, seamless but so deeply felt for the reader.

Below are just a couple of tiny technical points. Use what you wish, discard the rest; your story is perfectly beautiful without any changes.

Showering, dressing, eating toast and cereal, taking my medications, taking my blood pressure, checking my blood sugar. I want things to be normal so I perform these duties...

Joining these two sentences with a semi-colon or a colon would keep the first part from sounding so much like a list, blending the idea that taking care of these everyday tasks in a routine manner helps things feel more 'normal'.

...always meant something was wrong, a fever, a stomachache, an accident in her bed... something that required me, "Mom!"

In the first underlined portion, using an ellipsis as you have at the end of the list would better convey to your reader that the list is an interruption of the sentence, but not necessarily an interruption of the thought.

In the second underlined portion, the comma could be replaced with a colon to show that me and Mom are the same person. There's also no need for the quotation marks; the capitalization shows the reader that Mom is referring to a particular mom: you, from your daughter's standpoint. If desired, you could use italics to make it stand out.

...always meant something was wrong... a fever, a stomachache, an accident in her bed... something that required me: Mom!

..."Angel Unaware."

Book titles do not require quotation marks but should be italicized:

Angel Unaware

My heart goes out to you, Jeanne. Your love for your sweet daughter was so great and it is so easy to see and to feel that through your words. What a beautiful tribute you have created in her memory. The only thing I would add is a photo.

My daughter had a friend with Down's Syndrome and he was a joy to be with. I wrote a children's story based on how they met and how she was treated by some of the other children. It's so sad that children can, at times, be so cruel, but then... where do they learn it but from their parents?

The story is buried in my port with hundreds of other items so if you'd like me to point you in the right direction, please let me know.

Thank you for sharing your beautiul tribute story.

Peace and comfort,
Deborah

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#2871665

Review of Surprise!!!

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear ShadowMouse,

Thanks for entering the Writer's Cramp today!

I enjoyed your story. It was fun, interesting, and the surprise of the surprise party was great. What a hoot! You have a great storytelling quality in your writing that just made me want to keep reading.

The descriptions were good and built strong imagery. The main character was well developed, with the others being detailed enough to be interesting but not so strong they overpowered.

There were a few little bumps in the story but nothing that took away from it... moe likely individual word choices and style of sentence structure than anything that could be called an error.

Just one thing you might want to look at in the sixth paragraph:

The night started with MD, Susan, Jack and I heading out to Susan’s favorite restaurant. Naturally, Jack and I got to pick up the tab and just as naturally Susan and MD ordered the most expensive items on the menu. I ate very little that meal, concentrating on keeping a big smile on my face as Suzanne kept urging me to “try things out at my advertising agency, Jennifer, dear. Don’t you think it’s time you got a real job?”

This is the only place I saw the name Susan. Everywhere else it was Suzanne.

Great work. Look for the results to be posted at 12:00 pm WDC time!

Deborah

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#2870775

Review of Write On

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Dear Vee,

Thank you for sharing your work.

Your story is beautiful and conveys so much in so few words. As your description says, it contains a motivating reason why all writers should 'Write On'.

While your story portrays a great deal of emotion and tenderness, it is confusing in its present format. Breaking the single pagragraph into paragraphs that separate the dialogue of each person will make it much easier to understand. This alone will heighten the emotional impact. Below is an idea of how you might wish to break the story down:

A silent tear ran down my cheek. “Please don’t go,*” I begged as I clung (, clinging) to the (her) icy hand.

“I have to Evie, it’s my time.” She gave my hand a weak squeeze. “I have something for you, its something that I’ve been working on for a long time.”

She reached over and grabbed a thick notebook that I hadn’t seen before. “I won’t be here to tell you stories anymore, but I’ve written them all down. You’ll never be alone, because you’ll always have this part of me.”

I made a few other notations as I read. These are only suggestions and opinions that you can accept and use or discard as you see fit.

* Adding a name or relationship here would create a deeper bond between the characters. It sounds like a mother or grandmother talking to a daughter or granddaughter, but without a hint, the best the reader can do is assume. Stating it would heighten the emotion dramatically. All that would have to be added would be Mom or Grandma or whatever name you would choose to give the reader a more precise image of the scene and the characters involved.

...as I clung...

This is a wordy phrase than can be reduced to clinging.

Changing the to her makes the reference to the hand more personal and intimate, creating a stronger emotional bond.

I have something for you, its something that...

Two things about the underlined portion: the comma would be better as a semi-colon, joining the two complete thoughts.

Its, in this instance, is a contraction of it and is and should have an apostrophe: it's. When used as a possessive form, no apostrophe is needed.

Alternatively, this phrase could be smoothed for the reader by dropping it's and joining the two thoughts with a comma or a semi-colon; either would be acceptable here.

I crossed out that because it isn't needed. It makes the sentence rough and wordy.

She reached over and grabbed a thick notebook that I hadn't seen before.

This passage is wordy. As writers we often feel the need to give a blow by blow account of every move a character made. Sometimes, however, certain actions are obvious. I often see He reached up and pushed his hair from his eyes or other similar statements. The reader will assume the fact that he reached up if they are told he pushed his hair from his eyes.

In this passage, you also have a reached clause. It isn't needed because you don't tell the reader she was holding the notebook. You say she grabbed the notebook, and Evie expresses in the narrative she hadn't seen it before, so it has to have been somewhere nearby, yet out of sight. If it was on 'her' lap, Evie would have seen it. Reached over is implied and therefore not needed because it hinders the reader from getting to the action.

Also in this passage, another unneeded that.

In conclusion, you did a great job putting emotion into this story. You presented a compelling scene that, in so few words tells the reader of one reason why many writers write: to be remembered by their loved ones. If the reader is also a writer, it is a motivating reason to continue writing.

I enjoyed the style and pace of your story. It all fit well together to create a compact little package of emotion, character, and encouragement; a tiny moment captured in words for all time, the way a snowglobe captures a scene; your story is like a snowglobe in writing.

Beautiful, dimensional; a moment of time encapsulated and preserved for others to share.

Write on!
Deborah

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#2869215

Review of She Is A Rock

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Dear Pat,

Your poem is beautiful and heartwarming. There are so many things a sister can be; it is a special bond, indeed, to have a sister you love, appreciate, and respect as much as the words of your poem indicate.

A calm peacefulness came over me as I read your words, the soothing flow of each line moving on to the next... wonderfully done. The imagery of the river was seen in your words alone, in the way they wound through the poem, around your sister's qualities which you expounded upon. The graphic was the perfect enhancement to illustrate not only the literal words you used but the underlying emotions as well.

The centered formatting is perfect for this poem, making it like a continuation of the river from the graphic above.

Your sister is a treasure as I'm sure you must also be to her.

Thank you for sharing your lovely work,
Deborah

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#2869163

Review of The Way

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Dear Writer,

Thank you for sharing your poetry. I've enjoyed reading your work today.

This poem has a very good and relevant message: a person’s compassion and treatment of others is what makes them who they are, not what they wear of how much money they have.

I tend to find most poetry to be easier to read when broken into shorter stanzas. That way the reader can follow the intended rhythm and flow of the words. Also, the use of symbols, even &, distracts the eye from the words, and even that split-second of distraction breaks the thought and disrupts the meaning.

Casper the Friendly Ghost is the title of a TV show or movie and should be italicized to set it apart as such.

As usual, I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent reading your work. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to visit your port today.

Deborah

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#2869147

Review of Through Your Door

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear Writer,

Your poem is beautifully worded. Though there are some rhyming lines, it reads like prose: easy-flowing, naturally formed, full of emotional sentiment expressed in a smooth, continuous line of thought.

If I may ask, why is the word cold in blue? I noticed that in another of your poems and thought it made a nice contrast, the cold blue word in the sea of warm red. I was just wondering if there was more to it that I was missing.

Whatever the reason, it stands out to me as a comparison between the feelings of others and the feelings of the one who loves you, and I think it adds a little more to the meaning.

The only suggestion I have is that perhaps you might change the & to and. As one reads through the poem, the mind is focused on the words and the appearance of a symbol, even a familiar one, can, at times, throw off the concentration and skew the feeling and the flow.

Excellent job!
Deborah

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#2869089

Review of I Run to You

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Dear Writer,

I’m so glad I was able to visit your port today. I really enjoyed reading your poetry.

This poem has great rhyme and rhythm. The emotion it expresses is beautiful and sentimental, calm and gentle; very fitting for the pace and flow of the piece.

I have only a few suggestions.

The formatting of the poem makes it difficult to establish the flow and rhythm. Breaking it into stanzas would give the eye natural resting places throughout and would allow the reader’s mind to settle into the soft rhythmic flow you’ve created.

In breaking the body of work into stanzas, adding the line “I run to you” at the end of the fourth line of the first and second stanzas would help connect and complete the thoughts expressed:

When the shadows grow long
when the wind grows cold
When the feeling of the world
on my shoulders grows old… I run to you

When the odds are against me
& another roll of the dice
would bring upon me
nothing nice… I run to you

In what is currently the seventh line of the poem you might think about changing the symbol & to the word and. The symbol, though having the same meaning, breaks the concentration a bit.

Under the light of the moon
I've found much comfort in you
With all the things that you say
with all the things that you do

In the passage above, deleting that where indicated would help maintain the flow you’ve established. Right now they’re like rocks under the surface of the water and the reader runs aground on them.

You are my relief
you are my shelter from the storm
Your very presence
helps to keep me safe & warm

In this stanza, too, the crossed out words hinder the flow.

upon (soothing) wounds still raw

Upon in this line doesn’t give much of an emotional attachment. Soothing would allow the reader to see and feel more of the depth of the relationship.

I couldn't (can’t) imagine
running to (seeking) another when I bleed
I've come to discover
that you're the only one I need.

The suggestions written into the verse above would smooth the flow and make it more expressive in the conclusion of the poem.

I really enjoyed your poem and I’ll be coming back to read more soon.

Have a great day,
Deborah

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#2868542

Review of Six Minutes

Review by justme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Dear Pat,

How well I understand the emotion in this poem! You've captured it well. Watching my mother struggle on a morphine button during the last few days of her life was a very difficult thing. Keeping her comfortable was nearly impossible. Mercifully, she slept most of the time but it was torturous to know she was in such agony and we could do nothing for her until the hands hit a certain number.

The rhythm and flow of the poem was good and the pace well-suited for the subject. I enjoyed your poem and relate to the feelings expressed.

Thank you for sharing your work,
Deborah

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#2868541

Review of Six Minutes

Review by justme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Dear Pat,

How well I understand the emotion in this poem! You've captured it well. Watching my mother struggle on a morphine button during the last few days of her life was a very difficult thing. Keeping her comfortable was nearly impossible. Mercifully, she slept most of the time but it was torturous to know she was in such agony and we could do nothing for her until the hands hit a certain number.

The rhythm and flow of the poem was good and the pace well-suited for the subject. I enjoyed your poem and relate to the feelings expressed.

Thank you for sharing your work,
Deborah

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#2866721

Review of Mistaken All Week?

Review by justme

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Dear Ben,

How clever to use a different poetic form to relate the story of each day's bad dating experience! I especially liked that you included the explanation of each form at the end so those unfamiliar with a particular one could recognize it from your example.

Each poem was humorous and entertaining of its own right, and doubly so when combined with the entire body of work. It was a fun, if not funny read.

There was the occasional word or phrase that felt forced into the format of the chosen form, but all in all, the entertainment value far outweighed any little bumps along the way.

Thanks for sharing your work. I'll be stopping by your port soon to read more.

Deborah

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#2866445

Review of Half Moon

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Dear Writer,

It has been a pleasure to read your work. Please accept the following review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written. All of the ideas herein are only suggestions that you can use or discard as you see fit.

Beginning: The descriptions at the beginning set the mood and evoke vivid imagery. They also establish a relaxed, almost sleepy or dreamlike pace. Lovely.

Middle: As the thoughts turn from the visual descriptions to the internal thoughts, the transition is metaphoric, comparing the sun and moon to two people. It was a smooth change and logical thought pattern so it was easy to follow and blended seamlessly. Excellent.

Ending: The conclusion is moving, emotional, and strong. The final sentiment is the perfect ending for this brief yet powerful work. I loved it.

Overall Impression: Wonderful; the complete package. Perfectly paced for the length and subject matter, high emotion and imagery, excellent word choices. Beautifully done.

TECHNICAL REVIEW

In the text below, red text is your original wording. Blue text shows suggestions. These suggestions are in no way an attempt to rewrite your story or tell you what to do. They are merely examples of the ideas and suggestions discussed throughout the review. They are intended to be helpful and to inspire you to look at your work through the eyes of the reader in order to see the potential for improvement and/or expansion if you ever desire to do further work on it. Please accept this review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written, using anything you can to improve in your writing skills and discarding that which doesn’t work for you.

A half moon was hanging over the lake tonight, a mirrored reflection of moon and sun just as sun was setting.

I found this sentence a bit wordy and awkward. You mention the moon, the lake, then the moon again along with the sun, and the mirrored reflection, which again alludes to the lake and then the sun set, again mentioning the sun. Perhaps leaving off the initial mention of the moon and then including both the ‘half moon’ description and the sunset in with the ‘mirrored reflection’ would ease the repetition and awkward feeling.

A half moon and setting sun were mirrored in the lake tonight.

… magical...I was…

You need a space after the … You might also consider joining the two phrases with a semi-colon or a dash.

…by it's presence…

The possessive form of it doesn’t need an apostrophe. In this case, it’s is referring back to the sun and the moon, which together would be two items, requiring a plural:

…by their presence…

… sand hills…

This is a little awkward in the reading. Sandy hills would be smoother, or, if the hills are made of sand, they might be called sand dunes.

My thoughts and disappointments of the day vanishing with it.

This is an incomplete sentence. It can easily be fixed by joining it to the previous sentence with a comma:

… until the sun sunk behind the sand hills in the distance, my thoughts and disappointments of the day vanishing with it.

…I could relate to. A place where only I, resided with this miracle.

These two sentences could be joined with a comma or a colon. There’s also an extra space between I and resided, and the comma isn’t needed.

…I could relate to: a place where only I resided with this miracle.

Perhaps in some selfish way, I felt it was mine alone.

This sentence would be better as the last sentence of the first paragraph. The second paragraph is transitional and this is still talking about what was covered in the first paragraph.

Thoughts of two people drifting in space, but missing each other in the blink of an eye, the few moments left before sunset.

There’s an extra space between the comma and but. The thought in this sentence feels incomplete. Below is a suggestion I hope will inspire:

I imagine two people drifting in space, but missing each other in the blink of an eye, in the few moments left before sunset.

Once the darkness came, they continued their search in vain.

Putting this in the present tense would heighten the emotional impact and strengthen the immediacy of the imagery you’ve created.

Once the darkness comes, they continue their search in vain.

Yearning for the one love that would be their last, the one that would erase their bitter past..

A couple things here… changing the tense, again, would increase the emotion. There’s also an extra period at the end. Connecting this sentence to the previous one with a semi-colon or a comma would keep the thoughts more coherent for the reader.

Once the darkness comes, they continue their search in vain; yearning for the one love that will be their last, the one that will erase their bitter past.

My imagination sent me floating above in a blue abyss, their words rhyme, like the lyric in a romantic song.

This sentence was a little confusing. Are the two imagined people floating in space calling out to each other? Maybe you could add that to the previous paragraph so the reader is clear on what is happening.

Once the darkness comes, they continue their search in vain, calling out but receiving no answer; yearning for the one love that will be their last, the one that will erase their bitter past.

The addition of this phrase would help the reader associate the words and lyrics mentioned in the next paragraph with the people here.

As the half moon rises in the midnight sky…

This would be more powerful if you started a new paragraph at this sentence. Also, the description at the beginning had the time as sunset. Here it is already midnight. Where has all of the time gone? It gives the reader a sense of disproportion; kind of like when you accidentally fall asleep and wake up as the sun is setting, look at the clock and see 6:00 but you can’t figure out if it’s am or pm because you’re still confused and groggy. It’s an odd feeling; one that, for me, didn’t fit with the rest of the emotion and imagery you’d already established to this point. Perhaps it’s what you intended; I just thought I’d mention it.

If it isn’t what you had intended, changing midnight to something that indicates that the sun had set and it was getting darker would help: twilight sky would work, or darkening sky.

If so…

First, I love this transition from the imagination to the true feelings and meaning behind what was imagines. That is excellent. Having said that, the transition gets lost, buried within the paragraph. It would be much stranger and much clearer if you began a new paragraph here.

At the end, you only need the single ellipsis, and at the beginning of the next phrase, the single ellipsis would be sufficient.

The next phrase is beautiful; poetic. It deserves to stand on its own so its full impact can wash over the reader. You might consider deleting the and at the beginning, though. It makes it a little awkward since it’s not really joined to the previous phrase.

The ‘signature’ at the end should also stand alone and Signed should be followed by a colon.

If so, come share it with me before it's gone…

…find me before this lifetime ends…

Signed: Longing and searching for that special one

You might even see what these lines look like centered at the end. It would draw the reader’s attention and focus, strengthening their concentration and the impression they are left with.

In Conclusion: A beautifully written piece with powerful emotion and vivid imagery. I thoroughly enjoyed it. and will be coming back for more. Thank you for sharing your work. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to read it.

Deborah

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#2865761

Review of Lament for the Forlorn.

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Dear Dark90,

My name is Deborah and I'm judging "The Writer's Cramp"

today.

PROMPT: Write a STORY or POEM about finding out that the person you trust most in the world is not who/what they seem to be, in a negative way. Tell us how you find out about it, and what you find out ...

Please Note: Just because your poem has been rated does not mean the judging is over. I want to give each and every entry a thorough, fair, and impartial review so I'm starting good and early so I can get them all in.

Good job with the prompt. Your poem created good imagery to go with the story it told. The details are a little vague in the writing, as to where, why, what, etc. Using a bit of imagination, though, the reader can come up with a scenario, real or imagined, to which they could apply the poem.

A few technical things: In each of the first two stanzas is a line that ends in "I am". You are missing a space between the comma and the I

In the third stanza you say the cold wide glare. A glare is an angry stare and usually when someone is angry and they stare, their eyes narrow rather than widen. It's just a small thing but as I read it I slipped up and went back to read it again because it didn't seem to fit.

At the end of the fifth stanza you write: Questions, unanswered it remains. Questions corresponds to it in the second part of the phrase, so it should actually be Questions, unanswered they remain. This would bring the plural questions into harmony with the plural value of they.

Overall, a very good and thought-provoking read. You made good use of the prompt. The style and formatting of the poem was pleasing and easy to follow and the rhythm of the words and flow of ideas was steady and well done.

Thanks for entering 'the Cramp'! Judging results will be posted at noon WDC time.

Write On!
Deborah

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#2865688

Review of The Betrayal

Review by justme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Dear Lani,

My name is Deborah and I'm judging "The Writer's Cramp"

today.

PROMPT: Write a STORY or POEM about finding out that the person you trust most in the world is not who/what they seem to be, in a negative way. Tell us how you find out about it, and what you find out ...

Please Note: Just because your poem has been rated does not mean the judging is over. I want to give each and every entry a thorough, fair, and impartial review so I'm starting good and early so I can get them all in.

You did a good job. Fifty-five words doesn't give a lot of room for setting, plot, or character development, but you didn't need a lot of filler information to make the statement.

Although within dialogue, the sentence structure was stilted and distracting. In the same number of words you could have used good grammar and said the same thing with added emotional impact because the reader would have been better able to understand.

I tried to reconcile the idea that the dialogue was that of a child; an injured and likely abused child, but it just didn't seem to fit well. The emotional impact was also lessened by the initial confusion, wondering if it was a child talking or perhaps someone in an abusive relationship. Without that bit of information, it was difficult to identify with the character until the very end.

In this story, SLAM! is a mimmetically produced sound and should be italicized to stand out as such.

disapear

disappear

I liked how the story began. You bring the reader in after the conflict. The slamming of the door sets the tone and mood. The idea that the character was glad someone was done is also a great clue as to why the door was slammed. It shows us anger, distress, and fear without taking the words to tell us. Good job!

Thanks for entering 'the Cramp'! Judging results will be posted at noon WDC time.

Write On!
Deborah

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#2864577

Review of Abcedarius - A child's life

Review by justme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Dear Ben,

Wow! Your poem is amazing. I don't know a lot about poetry so your explanation at the end was most helpful; it saved me a trip to dictionary.com.

I enjoyed how you worked each letter in, sometimes as the first letter of the word and other times as a letter itself, saying it stood for something. The rhythm and rhyme were precise and easy. The poem flowed right along.

I also loved the high energy at the beginning that wound down as the day progressed and finally ebbed as the child fell off to sleep at the end.

Beautifully done.

One teeny tiny error: In the last line of the fifth stanza there is an exta space in I'm. Like I said, teeny tiny.

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Have a great evening,
Deborah