Dear Writer,
Thank you for sharing your work. Please accept the following review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written. All of the ideas herein are only suggestions that you can use or discard as you see fit.
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This is a Secret Gifters, Simply Positive, Port Raiders, Talent Pond, and Images In Ink Review!
Beginning: I liked the first paragraph. It really helps set the location, the mood, and the pace of the story. It was a nice piece of narrative and the word use was excellent. I especially enjoyed the unusual but correct use of chill in the first sentence, and the November cold at the end of the paragraph. Both helped establish a unique tone and style without resorting to more wordy possibilities frequently seen.
Middle: The body of the story is good. The style and pace fit the telling and the descriptions create good imagery. The characters are interesting and well-developed. The story line is engaging and colorful.
Ending: I loved the ending. By about the middle of the story you seemed to ‘get into the groove’ of the story and things started to flow more easily. Your words felt more relaxed, like they came more readily. I especially liked Jack’s reply to Fate. 
Overall Impression: The plot is strong and carries well throughout. The characters are personable and easy to picture. The settings and scenes are well-described. There are quite a few wordy passages, and while some fit with your writing style throughout the piece, others are distracting and slow the pace considerably. There are a couple of inconsistencies and, a couple of grammatical quirks and punctuation errors, but all in all, a great read.
 TECHNICAL REVIEW
In the text below, red text is your original wording. Blue text shows suggestions. These suggestions are in no way an attempt to rewrite your story or tell you what to do. They are merely examples of the ideas and suggestions discussed throughout the review. They are intended to be helpful and to inspire you to look at your work through the eyes of the reader in order to see the potential for improvement and/or expansion if you ever desire to do further work on it. Please accept this review in the spirit of helpfulness with which it was written, using anything you can to improve in your writing skills and discarding that which doesn’t work for you.
The night air was chill as I huddled myself behind the collar…
Unneeded word.
…before they disappeared dissipated in the November cold.
Disappeared is good but if he is watching the puffs of smoke and they seem to go on for miles, dissipated would show a more gradual disappearance than simply disappear, which makes it seem like they were there and then vanished.
The sidewalk was sparse with people, as few were out at that time of night in a small town like Ludington.
Sparse with people is an awkward usage. This is one of those times when, even though a word may be correctly used, it is so distracting to the reader that it does nothing to enhance the story. It’s like a speed bump on a race track: it may not be illegal, but it slows down the natural course of events by causing confusion.
It’s like saying his head was sparse with hair.
The rest of the sentence is unnecessarily wordy and drawn out. The whole sentence could be reduced and still fit well within your established style.
The sidewalk was nearly deserted; not unusual for that time of night in the small town of Ludington.
It was a simple note.
This sentence changes the subject abruptly and makes a harsh transition for the reader. It could be worked into the story more smoothly by placing it later in the text. If you keep Jack walking down the sidewalk, the reader keeps pace without losing interest. Jack could see the note, feel annoyed at the pin hole, etc before you say it was a simple note.
As I approached my apartment I saw a small scrap of paper flapping in the cold night air. It had been tacked to my door with a small nail.
…find the tiny hole (in) my front door…
There seems to be a word missing here.
…given that I was renting the two room apartment. The curiosity of the note quickly overtook my anger though.
That could be eliminated. It isn’t needed and is much smoother without it. These two sentences could be smoothly joined with a transitional word such as although, thus eliminating the transition thrown in at the end.
Was the note curious about something or was Jack curious about the note? If Jack is curious about the note, it’s Jack’s curiosity, or in this case, as he’s the narrator: my curiosity. Since the curiosity belongs to Jack, it wouldn’t be of the note; instead it would be about, over, in regards to, or regarding the note.
…given I was renting the two room apartment, although my curiosity regarding the note quickly overtook my anger.
The paper was old, (more) like a parchment more than the recycled stuff we're used to.
The sentence structure here is awkward and causes the reader to trip up on the words and the meaning. Moving the more would remedy this, as indicated in the red text above.
It's weight suggested that several acres of trees had been killed in the process of its creation.
It’s is a contraction of it and is. Its is the possessive form of it, making something that follows the possession, property, or attribute of whatever it is representing. No apostrophe is needed here.
Here is another that which isn’t needed. The process of its creation is wordy. The process of could be eliminated to keep the pace moving along. Notice its here used without the apostrophe: it is correct this time.
It felt good to my fingers, as only a writer can know when paper feels good or bad.
These last few paragraphs have read more like a list than a story. Have you ever seen or heard those old Dragnet TV and radio shows? The narrator goes through lists of facts, adding his own thoughts and observations in a way that makes them seem disjointed and laughable. That is how I felt during the first six paragraphs.
This is an exaggerated example: It was cold. Not the kind of cold that makes your skin get goose bumps or causes your teeth to chatter like a little plastic wind-up toy, but the kind of cold that wedges its icy fingers up your sleeves and through the buttonholes of your overcoat until they have pierced all the way through and you begin to think your bones have turned to popsicles. I made that one up.  Sure, there are some great, dramatic, descriptive metaphors and similes used, but It was bone-chilling cold would eliminate all of the verbosity and get the reader to the plot without lulling them into a stupor with description before they get to the meat of the writing.
In the highlighted portion above, you might simply say:
It felt good to my fingers, as only a writer can know.
The handwriting was legible, but of a style I was unfamiliar with.
This sentence ends in a preposition. There are a couple of ways to fix this. The way most grammar experts would recommend is awkward and not much better than what it is currently:
The handwriting was legible, but of a style with which I was unfamiliar.
Here are a couple other choices that would give the same meaning in fewer words and without leaving the preposition clinging on at the end.
The handwriting was legible, but I was unfamiliar with the style.
The handwriting was legible, but the style was unfamiliar.
The handwriting was legible, but unfamiliar in style.
The handwriting was legible but unfamiliar.
Things were spelled in a queer manner, like reading from a dusty King James bible.
There’s a little bit of confusion with the terms here. The spelling involves the writing more so than the reading: like the writing in a dusty…
Bible should be capitalized.
…in the evening on the morrow.
A question here. I’m not 100% sure of this term but I’ve only ever heard it said in the evening of the morrow, which imparts the understanding that the evening belongs to the morrow. It would be like saying the night of tomorrow VS the night on tomorrow.
…in the evening of the morrow.
I was writing for the local paper there in Ludington, Michigan…
At the end of the story Jack is still in Ludington, so this would be better as here. To eliminate a choice of there or here, you could just say:
…the local paper in Ludington, Michigan…
I needed a good story, always looking for a good lead, so I decided I would try to find this fellow that left the note on my front door.
This is a very wordy and redundant. I needed a good story and always looking for a good lead are very close in meaning so you really only need to say it one way.
The second half of the sentence is also repetitive. It’s already been established that a note was left on the door. You could simply end the sentence after find this fellow. Or, if you want to clarify further, you might say find this note writer or follow this lead.
I needed a good story so I decided to follow this lead.
I pushed on the door of Donovan's, and stepped inside.
None of this is needed. If you tell the reader you’re going to find the writer of the note and the note says to meet at Donovan’s, just getting Jack to Donovan’s is enough. The reader will see that he has gone in when he orders and meets the mysterious writer. I am going to make a couple suggestions for the first sentence of the next paragraph. Part of this sentence could be incorporated there to make a smoother opener for the paragraph.
My face was flushed with warmth as I left the cold outside. I could smell cigarettes and liquor, hear the sound of small talk around the bar and at the few tables in the small shop.
This reads like a list. Weaving the details of a setting’s description into the story will help the reader feel as though he’s looking around as the plot continues around him instead of having to stop and look, then learn more about what’s going on and then stop and look again.
The first sentence is a comparison of the warm and the cold. The second describes sights, sounds, and aromas. You could use part of the previous sentence here to make a smoother transition into this paragraph.
My face flushed with warmth as I entered Donovan’s and breathed in the familiar mixture of cigarette smoke and liquor. The bar and a few small tables were filled with patrons engaging in their own variety of small talk.
I walked to the bar, which sat along the wall to my right.
With all the description through the rest of the story this seems a little drab. I took a seat at the bar would give the reader more action to imagine than simply walking to the bar. Which sat makes the passage wordy because really, what else is the bar going to do?
I took a seat at the bar along the wall to the right.
I took a seat at the bar on the right side of the establishment.
Riley came over to greet me, placing her elbows on the bar.
This is wordy but doesn’t tell a lot. It could easily be joined to a version of the sentence discussed above to make a cleaner transition. Why would Riley put her elbows on the bar? I can think of a couple reasons. Jack and Riley end up together at the end of the story so the flirtation you speak of in the next paragraph is one reason. Maybe there was a platform behind the bar and she wanted to look him in the eye. Of course, a girl tending bar wearing a tank top in November… perhaps she thought it made her appear move provocative. Giving a little more insight into Riley as a character would round out the story a bit more, especially where the ending is concerned.
I took a seat at the bar on the right side of the establishment where I was promptly greeted by Riley. She put her elbows on the bar and leaned forward slightly to look me in the eye.
In the next paragraph you have more of Riley’s description. Splitting it up a little and putting some here and the rest after the dialogue would help lessen the list-like feeling of having it all together. Weave it into the story details and show the reader instead of telling them.
She was beautiful, with green eyes and freckles on her cheeks.
Hehehe… I had to laugh. Her eyes were on her cheeks? Part or all of this description could be placed above. Jacks reaction to her could hint to the reader that he likes her before he says he has a crush. For instance, after she puts her elbows on the bar, the narration could add:
She was so close I could have counted the freckles on her smooth cheek, if I wasn’t so mesmerized by her sparkling green eyes.
You don’t even need to say that Riley is beautiful; allow the reader to come to that conclusion after you describe her.
Blonde hair fell to her shoulders, which were fair in the tank top she was wearing.
The tank top has nothing to do with the fairness of her shoulders; they only have to be exposed. This is wordy and doesn’t add a whole lot to the description. You could show the reader how beautiful she is by describing her with more femininity. Cascaded could replace fell to add a bit more grace and beauty. You might even mention her slender neck or the curve of her jaw line.
Soft blonde hair cascaded along the slope of her slender neck to her fair, exposed shoulders.
I blushed to think that I had a crush on her.
Unneeded word.
"Hi." I managed. "How are you?"
The period after hi should be a comma so the dialogue us joined to the dialogue tag.
Riley returned with a mug of Guinness, which I took to the corner booth and sat, and took a sip.
This is wordy and awkward. Sitting down and taking a sip of the beer aren’t important to the story. Jack went to the corner booth to meet the mysterious note writer. The reader will assume he sits down. They will also figure he takes a sip of his beer as he finds it is empty later.
You could put the taking of a sip before the going to the booth; that would smooth the passage as well.
Riley returned with a mug of Guinness, which I took to the corner booth.
Riley returned with a mug of Guinness; I took a sip and headed for the corner booth.
My pipe had died and I began packing it again. It occured to me I hadn't asked her for a Guinness, (;) she just knew that's what I wanted.
occured  occurred
Taking out a couple unneeded words would increase the pace, and joining these sentences would keep the story flowing. A semi-colon would make a better connection later in the sentence.
My pipe had died and I began packing it again when it occurred to me I hadn't asked for a Guinness; she just knew that's what I wanted.
"Jack W. Raines?" He asked.
He doesn’t need to be capitalized. It’s a dialogue tag, and since the dialogue is a question, the question mark serves in place of the comma. You might even consider dropping the dialogue tag altogether and just going right onto the description of his voice.
"Jack W. Raines?" His voice scraped like sandpaper.
"Black.(;) Everyone calls me Mr. Black.
A semi-colon here would keep Black from being an incomplete sentence.
The other was glass, peering endlessly and unblinking.
The order of these words makes it awkward and difficult to read. Rearranging will balance the reading. Endlessly and unblinking both seem to describe peering.
The other was glass, endlessly peering, unblinking.
"Ok," I said. "Let me get my recorder out." I went to reach (reached) for it, but his hand was suddenly about my wrist, his grip (gripped my wrist) tighter than I would have imagined.
Wordy.
"Let me get my recorder ." I reached for it, but his hand gripped my wrist tighter than I imagined.
I met his stern gaze and noticed his hair still held some color that hung below his wool cap, ragged and unwashed.
Very wordy and confusing… the color hung below his cap? His hair was ragged and unwashed? The color was ragged and unwashed? I know what you’re saying but that’s now what’s here. Breaking this into two sentences and adding a bit more emotion would make this passage more interesting for the reader and more vital to the character development.
As I met his stern gaze, I took note of his ragged and unwashed cap. A fringe of hair hung out from beneath it, holding a hint of its color from younger days.
He released my hand which I slowly moved back to my beer, taking a gulp.
Another wordy passage. In truth, none of it is necessary for the story.
…the King himself…
King doesn’t need to be capitalized here unless it is being used as part of a proper name, like King Philip.
…the British rule with it's codes…
This its is possessive so it doesn’t need an apostrophe.
I smoked slowly and with calm, soaking in his…
This is wordy and awkward. Calmly would work better if you need it at all. Doing something slowly is often indicative of calmness.
They flickered…
They is talking about Mr. Black’s eyes, but he only has one eye, so it should be it
…ne'er a battle he thought (fought?) nor a ship he razed (did he raze…
Did you mean ne’er a battle he fought?
A small grammatical item: …nor a ship did he raze…
"So, when satisfied with himself, and having attained great riches…
This is wordy.
“Satisfied with the great riches he had attained…
"But Fate would not have it."
Because you refer to Fate as a person and Mr. Black has a conversation with him, capitalizing here is okay. Make sure it is done consistently, though. I noted one or two places were you did not capitalize. I’ll try to point them out but I just wanted to make a notation of it here in case I miss something.
…suffered in the holy Book.
Holy Book
…d'blooms…
The word for which this is a contraction ends with an ‘n’. Also, since the contraction of the word doesn’t make a difference in its pronunciation, there’s really no reason not to spell it out so the reader is clear about exactly what is being said.
…doubloons…
…gathered his treasure where he had hidden it…
This is awkward and rough. The manner of speech doesn’t fit the established pattern for your character, either.
…from whence it was hidden…
…greeting Indian and mountain…
Nationalities such as this are capitalized.
…a whole day and a whole night.
I know this is for emphasis but it is repetitive and slows the pace.
All nature was quiet.(;) No coyote…
A semi-colon here would join the two sentences nicely and keep the idea of nature being quiet more closely linked with the examples you give.
I had nothing to say, finding myself wrapped up in this terribly sad story. Part of me chuckled silently, though. There was no way this was true. This was the ramblings of an old man who escaped from the old folks home down the street.
This could be his, giving Mr. Black more direct credit for the tale.
Ramblings should be singular. Mr. Black is telling one continuous story on one occasion.
The home belongs to the old folks so it needs to be plural possessive: old folks’ home. This portion is also wordy.
This would be the perfect place for Jack to interject his own thoughts into the story. Italics would allow you to indicate this to the reader and separate Jack’s thought from the general body of narrative.
I had nothing to say, finding myself wrapped up in his terribly sad story. Part of me chuckled silently, though. There’s no way this is true, I thought, dismissing his tale as the rambling of an old man escaped from the old folks’ home.
The version below makes two of Jack’s statements into thoughts and rearranges a bit of the narrative with some slight revisions to give a fuller picture.
I had nothing to say, finding myself wrapped up in his terribly sad story. Part of me chuckled silently, though. There’s no way this is true, I thought, dismissing the old man’s rambling tale. He’s probably escaped from the old folks’ home and is having a bit of fun with me.
It was as if he had read my thoughts. I went to take another gulp of beer, but it was gone. So I just set it down and listened as he spoke again.
The first sentence is wordy. It was like he read my thoughts would be one way to reduce it. Making a simple statement of fact rather than hedging the issue would make it even shorter: He read my thoughts.
The last sentence of this paragraph isn’t needed. When Mr. Black continues his story and you don’t say Jack got up and walked away, the reader is going to assume he stayed to listen. Whether or not he puts the beer glass down is irrelevant. The reader doesn’t care about the empty glass but wants you to get on with Mr. Black’s story.
…he woke up to (a) man standing…
There was a word missing here.
The man stood in simple clothing…
This is wordy and awkward.
He was simply dressed…
…new like a youths…
This should be possessive: youth’s. If you don’t want the possessive, you could render this portion: …young and new as in youth.
…reached out and took (it) in my hands.
Missing word filled in above.
He was to never again touch the sea, but he would find his love lying on the shore of what seemed to be (looked like) an ocean,(.) and there he must bury his treasure near where he found her, then (and) live out his days as an honest man, as the people he had stolen from.
Wordy and repetitive. This could be divided into at least two sentences, the first concluding after ocean.
The second sentence could be trimmed considerably.
He was to never again touch the sea, but would find his love lying on the shore of what looked like an ocean. There he must bury his treasure and live out his days as an honest man.
…a small flare of hate in his eye…
This would be smoother as hatred.
It was him? The whole story was about this old man? Impossible. I knew of whom he spoke, I just hadn't said anything. This was Black Sam Bellamy, then, if he told the truth, which he hadn't. It was impossible. Black Sam perished in the storm with the Whydah and all of her treasure. Only legend and speculation had figured that he had lived to see his bride.
This is very wordy and gives many opportunities for Jack to express his thoughts again.
Him? This whole story was about him? Impossible! I knew the tale of Black Sam Bellamy, but it was impossible for this old man to be him. Black Sam perished in the storm with the Whydah and all her treasure. Only legend and speculation figured he lived to see his bride.
…I wish to repay fate…
Here is a place where fate is not capitalized. To keep it consistent, a capital is needed.
He let the words sink in. I was astonished and skeptical. What else could I be? this was absolutely preposterous. There was no way this was real.
This paragraph could also be partially Jack’s thoughts. The fourth sentence needs to begin with a capital.
He paused to let the words sink in. I was astonished and skeptical; what else could I be? His story was absolutely preposterous. There’s no way this is real.
We walked down Ludington Avenue towards the shore, I following just barely behind him, step for step.
This is a very awkward and difficult sentence. Toward doesn’t need the ‘s’. It used to be a generally accepted rule that toward never had an ‘s’, but now it’s okay and depends on personal preference as to which sounds better. Here, with the word shore so closely following, the multiple ‘s’ sounds clash a bit. Below I have rearranged the given information to make a less awkward sentence.
I followed him down Ludington Avenue toward the shore, matching him step for step.
This was crazy. Maybe he was just some crazed old man trying to lure to me a quiet place where he could kill me. Maybe he was simply out of his mind.
These would be excellent statements for Jack to think. Instead of using maybe two times, one could be What if. His thoughts should be in the present tense just as dialogue is in the present tense and the tags tell the true tense.
This is crazy, I thought. What if he’s some crazed old man trying to lure to me a quiet place so he can kill me? Maybe he’s simply out of his mind. Whatever.
History is made of legends and stories, many of which are fact,(;) some of which are so unreal that we cannot believe them.
There is some wordiness here. The comma after fact would be better as a semi-colon. It would turn the last item in what is now a list into a statement that qualifies and better describes the one that precedes it: some are fact; some are so unreal we can’t believe them. At the end, you might revert back to the original statement to reinforce.
History is made of legends and stories, many of which are fact; some are so unreal we cannot believe them, but they’re still fact.
Nearly all of the famous pirates…
Unneeded word.
…his head being severed off in a sword fight.
Unneeded word; off is included in the definition of severed.
We came to (the) shore line, and he turned to the north…
Missing words and unneeded words.
We walked to a particularly tall sand dune, one with a great tree atop of it. We struggled through the sand to it's height, and hidden behind it, in a small hollow, was a tiny cottage.
This paragraph could be joined to the previous one. Your descriptions here become list-like and repetitive once again. We did this, we walked here, we saw this… weave the elements into the story with a little more action, some colors, scents, impressions, and emotions so the reader is there with you, making a third impression of prints along the shore. The idea in blue, below, takes the previous paragraph into consideration. As with all of the other suggestions here, this is just an idea to inspire. What you do with it is up to you.
Our silent walk gave me opportunity to reflect. We headed north toward a particularly tall dune. The moonlight revealed a single tree at its top. The dune’s loose sand made climbing difficult, but we finally reached its height. Looking back, I saw the imprint of our boots along the lapping surf. Looking into a small hollow behind the dune, though, I saw a tiny cottage.
I love them,(;) they're all I have left of me…
A semi-colon would be better here than the comma.
The of would make more sense as to: they’re all I have left to me…
…pulled it apart, the opened the top.
…to open the top.
…handed me the deed, (and) had me put my name down as the new owner.
The addition of and would give a smoother transition.
He gave me a small tour of it's two bedroom(s), (and) told me…
Small isn’t needed. A tour is a tour and since you’ve already established the cottage as being small, this is repetitive.
No apostrophe is needed in the possessive its. Two makes bedroom plural so it needs an ‘s’.
The addition of and before the last part of the sentence gives a smoother transition.
…various things that often broke or went on the lamb.
The expression is ‘on the lam’ and it doesn’t actually apply here because it means to escape, flee, or hide, especially from the law. I don’t imagine anything in the cottage would do that. On the fritz would be a better expression, meaning not in working order; in need of repair. On the blink would also work as it conveys the same meaning.
We walked back up past the tree and sat under (be-)neath it (the tree)  in the sand, letting the cold breeze chill our whiskers and keep our drinks cold. The moon shone bright as only it can in the fall, illuminating the silhouette(-d) of a tanker making it's way south. A fog was rolling in slowly from the north, and he eyed it warily for a moment, then took a gulp of beer.
This passage is wordy, a little confusing at times, and repetitive. There’s great imagery here but it’s hidden behind all of the words. I’ve noted many changes above; the blue text shows a sample of what these changes could do for this passage.
We sat in the sand beneath the tree, letting the cold breeze chill our whiskers and our drinks. The moon silhouetted a tanker making its way south. A fog was slowly rolling in from the north, and he eyed it warily.
The holy book says…
Holy Book
I picked the pipe up [and smelled the tobacco and the sea]. [I placed in my pocket and lit my own].
There are some rough spots here. A little rearranging could help:
I picked up the pipe, placed it in my pocket and lit my own, reveling in the aroma of tobacco and the sea.
I turned behind me to see a man…
Unneeded words.
He was shorter than I, which was fitting, I thought, after was(what) Sam had told me.
There is an opportunity here for Jack to express another thought, which would make this passage clearer for the reader. Changing a few words would let him reflect on what he had been told and would bring the reader into the same mode.
He was shorter than I; how fitting, I thought, reflecting on what Sam had said.
"Go to Hell."
Hell doesn’t need to be capitalized.
With that(,) I walked back to (the) cottage and shut the door behind me.
A comma after with that would separate it from the sentence so it is easier for the reader to understand.
The is missing before cottage and the two last words aren’t needed.
I went back to the bar that night and found Riley. We kissed that night on the pier beneath the moonlight and then watched to sun come up.
That night is used twice in these two sentences. A little more emotion here would help your concluding statement have more impact.
I went back to the bar that night to find Riley; we walked and talked the night away and kissed on the pier in the last beams of moonlight before watching the sun come up.
In Conclusion: This is a great story and I loved reading it. The imagination throughout is beautifully expressed but could be enhanced and strengthened with some additional emotion, clarification, a few corrections, and the elimination of the wordy passages.
I hope you find something of use in the ideas above. You have a great writing style that holds a reader’s attention and brings them into the story. Thanks so much for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon,
Deborah
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the same, even a fellow American.
I enjoyed pondering the questions your character thought of while examining the stones on the beach. 
It is a little confusing as to who this character is, and a bit difficult to relate to him as he has no name. Near the beginning you talk about the birds and say something about robes and feathered appendages. Later you mention the robes again, but having no way in which to relate to the character, the rest of the story doesn’t really matter.