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Blog started in Jan 2005: 1st entries for Write in Every Genre. Then the REAL ME begins |
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It Hurts When I Stop Talking Sometime in Fall of 1998, when a visit from Dad was infrequent, and primarily at the mercy of his 88 Toyota making the 50 mile journey, I was being treated to lunch. The restaurant was my choice, I think. Sisley Italian Kitchen at the Town Center mall was somewhere my dad had not yet tried, so that was my pick. Either I was being treated to the luxury of lunch and adult conversation without my husband and 5 year old son in tow, or that's just how the moment has lodged in my memory. The more I think about it, they probably were there, but enjoying the Italian food too much to bother interrupting. Daddy and his lady friend at the time, Anne, came up together and made a day of it with me and the family. We were eating together and talking about some of my scripts, stories, coverages, poems and other creative attempts that really were not seeing the light of day. I think I'd just finished a group reading of The Artist's Way and was in a terribly frenetic mood over my writing. I think I'd just given them an entire rundown on a speculative Star Trek script. My Dad asked me point blank, “Why don’t you write it?? Anne agreed. It sure sounded like I wanted to write it. Why wasn't I writing seriously? It's what I'd set out to do when earning my college degree in Broadcasting many years earlier. Heck, I should, I agreed non-verbally. “I will.” But, I didn’t. Blogs can be wild, unpredictable storehouses of moments, tangents, creative dervishes, if you will. I'm getting a firmer handle on my creative cycle. My mental compost heap (which is a catch phrase from Natalie Goldman or Julia Cameron - I can't think which, right now) finally seems to be allowing a fairly regular seepage of by-products. That may be a gross analogy, but I give myself credit to categorize my work in raw terms. It proves that I'm not so much the procrastinating perfectionist that I once was. Still, I always seem to need prompts and motivation. Being a self-starter is the next step. My attempt to keep up in the Write in Every Genre Contest at the beginning of the year seemed like a perfect point to launch the blog. |
| Only a quick update. I'm working the day shift this week because I am on call for jury duty. The computer system in our department was non-functional for most of the day. It was similar to already being in court and waiting for jury selection. I have already been much more productive today. And I feel good being up in the daylight. |
| How do I pull this all together? I have several thoughts to express here, based on things that have hit me in the past few days. Are they related? Could be. Might just be hormonal. However, why should I second guess myself? At Back to School Night, for example, the number of kids racing about with no direct supervision had me quite concerned. I had a few selective groups of kids I wanted to come down on with some authority for their behavior. I felt that a few times, but once I resisted that urge completely I felt overwhelmed and a bit scared. I had a very stong desire to flee the school yard. Is that a panic attack? Am I finally feeling my age when I'm thinking, "Kids these days..!" Tonight I broke down and cried because I had 2 overdraft charges on a bank account. Money has been very tight and I realized the depth of my feelings. It's very personal. I do not like blaming other people. It is much harder blaming myself. But I've hit the wall - I know I can't just keep up appearances with how I handle my money. I am not sliding into depression - so this third thought shouldn't alarm anyone - it's just a way of planning ahead (oh and yeah, take note, with money I DON'T HAVE - I'm good at that) I saw a news report a few weeks ago about creating a "LifeGem" from a loved one's ashes. Sounds like the best thing you can do with someone's ashes. So, I found their website. Let's hope for long life so I can make payments over time to become a sparkly! Goofy, I know. |
| Can you tell that I have little on my mind today? It's no wonder my little dog eats all the little cheese bits out of his kibble first. He'll scour the floor for about an hour, and then look up to each of us pitifully as we eat our dinners. Eventually he gets back to his dish and nibbles. If I had a dog's life, I'm sure I'd go through the same routine! |
| I continue to think on the parallels that are being drawn between the American people's response to the September 11th terrorist attacks and the hurricane devestation of New Orleans. Here I live, in earthquake capital of the U.S. (the Big One is now the one training senario all the disaster response professionals DO NOT want to see befall us at this time). The global shock of December 2004's Tsunami, hit chords in me too; the important thing to note - I felt the spiritual "ripple effect." For the first time, I was consciously aware of the anguish half a world away. I was overwhelmed by the scope, but felt a human connection to the suffering. I had an actual internal sensation of endless treading of water during a deep meditation. I tried to write a poem, but it was like being too exhausted to speak those voices. "Undertow" is still incomplete. And for the displaced people of New Orleans and its surroundings, I want to know if their family histories can continue in much more than oral tradition for a time. The records and individual family albums, yes, even the above ground cemetaries New Orleans is home to, what disposition are they in? Do any have family histories old enough in the region to have lost a family bible to the flood waters. Some have a tradition of noting the marriages, births and deaths in a bible for generations. I think of the things you can carry out, and the things you can't. What has value or is made valueless after the submerging. Even your little diary, or box of keepsakes, annual signed by friends decades in the past, photo albums - all are forever changed after a flood. Is it worth loading your body down? The memory doesn't always stay sharp. What stories will remain true to history when all the proof has been submerged and then slowly pumped away? Follow Walkinbird{/b} When the final light is extinguished – Recognize the next available Source in the darkness |
| So the kids are back in school; so is the spouse. Everyone is having anxiety of one kind or another. The teen girls are beginning to make a point of commenting on my son's "purty" blue eyes. My daughter doesn't like the company in the lunch room. And my husband and I just don't like the monkey wrench in the household schedule! How have people managed this insanity for the solid century that public schooling has been (what one calls) normal? |
I say in my Bio Block that I'm no longer afraid to reveal (heck, I think I say it in my WDC Testimonial too). So, here's two examples (visual examples, even) to support that statement. What a great smile, huh? That munchkin in the Robin Hood hat is my daughter. She gave her father and I a run for our sanity this evening. She's learned to exert trememdous amounts of pressure on me lately. I almost wrote "control," but my authority hasn't slipped quite that badly yet - just my ability to haul the girl to her bedroom if she's throwing a tantrum. I'm guessing it's been a mistake all along to pick her up from one location to another when the "Time Out" is being called. She realizes I can't pick her up. Secretly, I think Kindergarten gossip and any groupies on the park playground under the age of 7 are swapping parent-foiling stategies. My spouse and I today dropped any pretense of our conflict resolution skills being the best they could be. This girl was Fighting every request, Questioning every conclusion. This baby is five...what will 15 be like. I can tell you, I'm not just waiting to find out. There had to be a little self-criticism on our individual propencities for throwing rather ridiculous consequences at her. I tell you, though, she was throwing us curve balls! It wasn't just one thing, it was a cascade of little disappointments that was making her not be able to calm down. I got her attention, but startled her, I think, when I suddenly started writing down every degree of her non-compliance...every "No," every "Please can I...(to something we already established a firm "No" answer to in the momnets before, every threat (yes, it even came down to threats from our 5 year-old). She asked why I was writing down everything. Like any one us, I think she became concerned when considering that her actions were not just to be a drama unfolding for her private audience. I think I finally have an answer to the retorical question I've often thrown her way: "Why are you acting up this way at home? You wouldn't behave like this at school." No, indeed - that would be far too public a place to put on the best performance. Oh, yes the other Me singing for an audience, solo (and I got paid) - here's the proof. (The check's already cashed - that is not the proof I mean!)  Today is a Holiday, I am not proofreading this Follow Walkinbird When the final light is extinguished – Recognize the next available Source in the darkness ** Image ID #897589 Unavailable ** {/center}  ** Image ID #924786 Unavailable ** |
| I have a disillusionment building about California. It's been my home all my life, but I'm facing the real possibility of leaving it. Now I have to counter this with the sense that I do this to myself. Things get routine, you know, then someone brings up a new place or activity and -*bam*- suddenly that place is da bomb for me! It's new, it's change - I want some of that! The sheer economics is astouding me though - I really thought I kept a finger on the pulse of California economics. I actually like the Business section of the paper; when Variety was coming regularly to an office I worked out of, I read that puppy cover to cover. I think I have been relaxed in my study of California's financial movers and shakers since 9/11/01 and since the old Governor was ousted and the new stepped into place. Maybe we all went to sleep at that point - "Oh, look, dear, a local movie star is going to take care of us, won't this be fun? I wonder if they'll make a sequel? And I wonder what Maria will be wearing to the premiere?" Since I've been given that impetus to look into the cost of living in another state, it perplexes me more. What makes the real estate market boom in California? How can properties go for so much in one area and not in another? I never questioned that so much in the State as a whole, cities throughout Southern California have a kind of mental equivalent to pricey living or working class living. But now, everyone's home is appraising for amounts higher than before. So now my question is: What is wrong with every other place in the world? What really motivates these changes? I'm making an effort to understand how Texas real estate can be so much more affordable. I dunno, it makes my head hurt. But it also makes me think I'm moving to a new frontier. |
| I have officially moved from pipe dream house hunting to fanatical pipe dream house hunting. I am no risk-taker, so I tend to overdo in the fantasy arena. I have to hope my family can be big dreamers too, I don't want any change that I welcome to just sweep them all along. I need each of us to seek and stay open-minded too. We are not prepared to buy a home, not prepared to move, but something has to change soon and radically. I believe that we are strong enough to accept a change for the better, given that it presents itself as an improvement, not a disaster. This is the sludge I have to work with folks: my thoughts come out like this stuff you're reading. It's vague and non-descript. Besides saying I'm spending too much time house hunting, I'm dancing around the other parts. I'm trying to communicate here, but in a cautious, I better not just blurt it out way - What if it really happens. Yes, someone else here on WDC make a similar comment that connects to this; except it was about avoiding submitting writing. It's not the fear of failure - it is the fear of success! What will I do if I get what I'm thinking about: then I become a homeowner in a state I barely know because it's affordable and jobs could be there. Right now that's where my brain stops - to get a house, even one substantially cheaper than in California, you have to HAVE the job that's going to ensure you can pay the bank. And how do you convince someone out-of-state to hire you? I want to believe that being open-minded to all possibilities can bring a solution to the family finances. I don't know that spending hours browsing out-of-state houses on the market is the best use of my time. It is still definately a big question. These satellite Google Maps sure make it attractive, I have to admit. Speaking of satellite images, I'm thinking about any of you close to the hurricaine landing today |
| After reading more and more blogs, I've decided the draw really has to be the insight into someone else's (anyone else's) life that one can gain. Also, it's nearly effortless. It may explain how I've come close to forgetting how to use the telephone. I can just peek in blogs and the occasional e-mail from a friend for all the tidbits. It is a bit sad that I let people drop out of my social circle more easily if they are not a computer user. There are several of my relatives that do not have any e-mail account, or respond so infrequently that it's the same result. I'm not annoyed with anyone that is not connected, it just puts the effort on me to guilt myself into a more conventional form of communicating for a time. This is particularly true for sharing pictures. |
| I do believe my "points" have increased (The number after my handle) Also note: you can sing my Entry Title along to the "Flintstones" start up tune. I don't know why I'm being so egotistical. I was reading up on an Astrology website (for amusement only) The idea as a whole is too vague and "airy-fairy" for me to buy-into seriously. It did make me think it is a good "prompt" of sorts to get characters fleshed out and interacting in ways that accentuate clashing viewpoints or smooth sailing. The three members listed to the left to which I've linked to my blog have made their personal birthdays public. I don't think I've done that anywhere on-line as yet. It's that overpowering security issue shared by the large number of stubborn cusses born under my birthsign. That's plenty of hints, not going to be more telling than that. SPARKLE Follow Walkinbird When the final light is extinguished – Recognize the next available Source in the darkness ** Image ID #897589 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #924786 Unavailable ** |
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