I like the message of this poem. You present the need for us to live our lives everyday. Very good.
You might want to examine your use of punctuation, capitalization, word usage, and spelling.
You wrote: As the moon shone on down in the mid of the night
an old man fell asleep in the gleam of it's light.
You might want to delete the word on. Both on and down are not needed.
A comma is needed after night, and it's means it is while its shows possession.
You wrote: When he dreamed, he heard angels; they spoke like a poem,
they said "Sir, we have come here to take you back home."
A period is needed after the word poem, and "they" in the next line should be capitalized. The a comma is needed after "said."
"The old man, he awoke . . ." is incorrect grammatically. The old man awoke.
You wrote: People say "he lived his life happy, full and broad.
"Now he's living more joyous in heaven with God!"
It should be:
People say, "He lived his life happy, full, and broad.
Now he's living more joyously in heaven with God."
You have a good sense of what to write. Now you just need a little work on the mechanics.
I like this analogy, and I like seeing more creativity in your writing again. Hopefully, mankind will become less like dogs, but the "dog" reactions have been present for many centuries.
Good job using imagery to create a vivid comparison.
Oh, my, I laughed, and then I nodded in understanding. Your answer to the riddle is very true and very real, too real.
I found a few punctuation needs or misplacings. For example, in the second sentence, a comma is needed after tender. In the sixth, a comma is needed after second. In the second paragraph, second sentence, a semi-colon is needed after increases. Last sentence of that paragraph needs a comma after conditioner.
Next to last paragraph, a comma is needed after husband in the first sentence. In the last paragraph, this sentence has some problems: "Oh Dear, I’m getting warmer and warmer, riddle, what is this all about." A comma is needed after Oh, and a period should go after warmer. Riddle should then be capitalized.
I'm still laughing, although I know it isn't funny to live through.
This story kept my attention from beginning to end. The characters were believable and realistic. I have seen and heard life much like this.
I gave my suggestions at EPs, ideas that would help strenghten your writing and some errors I found. One thing I would have liked to see would be Todd showing that he was talented and had worked on baseball skills so that he could do the best job possible. Maybe hitting the ball at bat, or something. The lucky catch could still be possible.
Welcome to W.Com. I hope you have found a second home as many of us have.
You have some interesting imagery in this poem. For example:
Its eerie ring bounced off the hollow walls of the vacant house.
I'm not sure what the following two senteces mean though:
For happy times one must reminisce. Such a thought disallows hope. They seem a bit awkward. What thought disallows hope?
Since you use chimed in the last stanza, might you use ticked in one and something else in the other?
The extra long lines rather take away from the visual compactness of the poem. You might consider having more lines per stanza, and shorter ones.
You managed to tell a whole story in nothing but short phrases, glimpses indeed of life, but full of imagery. This is one of the more creative items I've seen from you in some time.
The only suggestion I have is maybe some punctuation.
I've read this over several times, and I found some interesting word play and imagery. I do like the conclusion, "Love."
When using archaic language, thee and thy, be sure they "fit" the material you are writing, and then be sure you use the correct forms. Thy means yours or your. It is a possessive form of the pronoun, not a subjective or objective form. Thee (you) is object form, and thou (you) is the subject form.
I do like needed punctuation in poetry, and I'm glad to see you use punctuation. However, you might want to look at some of the sentence fragments caused by using periods where commas are needed.
You have a good start at an excellent poem. Please let me know if you revise and polish so that I can re-read and adapt the rating if needed.
The titles of your poems sound interesting. It's easier for readers if items that are alike are put in a folder.
Just an idea, but one that would make the folder itself more interesting, you might have a poem to introduce the folder, or a short, interesting blurb.
I was completely enthralled with this story. It held my attention and my imagination from beginning to end. You are a talented story teller, which cannot be learned or taught. I'm delighted to find a story so well written.
You have some punctuation and sentence structure problems, but the story itself is so good, I can only deduct 1/2 star for them
Very interesting trilogy you finished with this poem, Harry. As usual, you weave a creative story with your storeom, and you leave an intersting thought behind.
I'm glad to see the use of present tense put aside in this poem, which makes it stronger in my view.
I'm glad to see your work on W.Com. I hope you found a warm welcome and lots of help in developing and fine-tuning your talents. Any suggestions I give will be an attempt to help you.
This poem contains some glimpses of creative imagery, and poetry cannot exist without that imagery.
You might want to spell check your work and to capitialize where needed. The pronoun I, and all its forms, are always capitalized.
Clarity is important for the reader to understand the meaning. It is a pronoun used from the very beginning without us knowing what "it" is.
You might have someone read this poem to you, or you might read it aloud. I do that to find the rough places in my work.
This poem is interesting as well as being full of truth. The power is intesified with the use of spoken and then thought dialogue, first one character and then the other.
The one problem I found with this poem is the rhyme scheme isn't consistent. One place, the rhyme isn't true: rolled and old. Then in the second stanza, the scheme is broken.
You have a way with words that creates vivid images.
You capture a feeling that nearly everyone, if not everyone, has encountered, that inner core of oneself that is hard to share with anyone else.
A few punctuation bobbles distract from the power of this piece. For example, the first stanza should be one sentence. The last two lines make a fragment. Another example, in the following line, a comma is not needed: I'm stronger now, than I was last year. There are a few other of these scattered throughout.
Well, I'm not a diabled math teacher to unite, but I am a disabled former English and composition teacher.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find a home for your talent and help to develop it completely.
Your title and brief description caught my attention immediately. I wish more writers realized that a poorly worded, poorly spelled title and/or description will turn a reader/reveiwer away. Yours did the job intended.
The topic of this essay was interesting and humorous without being rediculous or slap-stick.
The suggestions I have for improvement include technical items. One question mark at one time is sufficient. Exclamation points maybe should be used sparingly and in dialogue for show strong emotion. The quotation marks need to be used correctly.
If you wish, let me know, and I will send a complete punctuation edit for this item.
Thanks for sharing your work with us. This is enjoyable.
This was an interesting poll, or at least the results were interesting. I've often wondered myself how many read and don't review/rate. If everyone answered correctly, hmmm . . .
One of the choices was rather confusing. You ask if we rate everything we read, but one choice is worded, "No, I'd rather give a bad rating than no rating." Maybe you meant, "No, I'd rather give no rating than a bad rating"?
Another wonderful story in poetry form. I enjoyed the love and the truth in this item. We all will face forgetting if we live long enough. Hopefully we will have someone who will still visit us for the person we once were, even if not for what we become.
The following line seems rather awkward: Everything should be perfect for how much we are paying.”
Good job as usual, even if I still don't care for the use of present tense.
I know this is the last day for the Season Tickets, and I tried to buy up some tickets to help with the raffle and to help RAOK. Hopefully, many more members will help by buying tickets this last day.
Since buying raffle ticket has to be done one by one, I grew tired of trying to buy as many as I wanted to, so I'm sending a donation to cover the rest of what I wanted to pass on to RAOK.
I hope that all members that can will help support this organization that helps W.Com so much.
The imagery of being something written in someone's book is vivid and interesting. A good analogy makes wonderful poetry.
Oops, sorry, but I don't have any suggestions for improvement. I find the whole poem to have strong meaning and poetic language. Each reading brings forth another insight. Good job.
Welcome to W.Com. I hope you found a warm welcome from everyone.
The faith and message of this poem touches my heart. I like the poetic flow (except for one line). I'm so glad you shared this piece with us.
The following line doesn't flow as well because it's so much longer than the rest of the lines: Eyes sliding shut, tears ecaping, - also escaping the correct spelling.
Maybe revise to something like: "Eyes shut, tears escaping."
In the next to last line, a space is needed after "price."
You have a talent for word usage. I'm sure I'll be seeing more of your work.
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The sentiment of this poem is one of love and joy between daughter and father. I'm always glad to read that.
The piece is rather choppy in the way worded and presentation. Some poetic imagery might help, as would not having just phrases.
Thank you for sharing with us. I hope to see more of your work.
Good job using imagery to create a vivid comparison.
I'm still laughing, although I know it isn't funny to live through.
The imagery, the story, the meaning of this poem are all powerful and settled in my mind, leaving a word painting.
Yes, the piece has some punctuation problems and a grammar glitch or two, but the power and beauty of the poem overcomes them.
You write about your heritage so well and so enjoyably. The last lines make shivers run up and down my spine, good shivers.
I'm glad to see the use of present tense put aside in this poem, which makes it stronger in my view.
Harry, you have written a powerful poem full of truth. The rhyme is perfect, and the flow smooth.
You bring a vivid mental image of the devastating destruction formed by the earthquake and the tsunami. Very good imagery and word usage.
Ah, another excellent example of alliteration helping to create emotion in poetry - just what I'm looking for and want to use.