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Your poem is filled with vivid imagery. I feel as if I'm standing by the lake watching day turn to night.
The one suggestion I have, which would make your poetry stronger, is try to find synonyms for the words you repeatedly use, such as day and gold. For example, in the second stanza, mourn could be used for one of the day uses, maybe dawn for another. Just a suggestion.
You have created an ascotic that indeed describes Africa. Each of the lines gives a dark part of the dark continent. True, stark, and vivid imagery grabs the reader's mind.
The only suggestion I would make is that each line not be a separate thought completely, resulting in a chappy delivery.
Hmmm . . . interesting concept, a student feeling that she has been mistreated by a teacher. You present the student's point of view rather well, up to a point.
I'm not sure that the buildup to the climax was strong enough to lead to what happened. I'm left wondering if she were that unbalanced or what. The story could use some "motivation." Sorry, I couldn't resist. Heaven help all teachers if that's all it takes to see "red."
The pain and bewilderment felt by the narrator shows vividly in the wording of this poem. The clues to finding his way out of the darkness are found in the lines of the poem, too.
One of the problems I see with this poem, which has the components necessary to excellent, is the use of run-on sentences and the lack of some necessary end punctuation. The thoughts are running together, too, causing the reader to have to back track and re-read. A few punctuation revisions would take care of the problem.
When one writes poetry with a rhyme scheme, it helps to be sure the words, which should rhyme, really do rhyme. One example, "friendly" and "me" don't hit my ear as a true rhyme. Neither do "spiral" and "denial." There are a couple of others that, when read aloud, don't create true rhymes.
The lines seem way too long in places. This use of extra long lines disrupts the flow of the poem.
You have the concept and ingredients for a great poem. I'd like to see what it would be after some polishing.
Wow! and double Wow! Thank you for the information and the "heads up" on losing our first publication rights. We, as authors, must be very careful. Whether the woman in question is sincere or not isn't the question, but whether what she is doing is ethical or not.
Ah, Harry, I really like this "see" into the future by those in the past. The use of dialect is excellent, too.
The only possible problems I saw was in the following: “They all lived cooped up in houses with ‘conditioned air’. The period should be inside the '
And the waters were all so foul that rivers could catch fire need a comma to avoid run-on
and they all drank ‘bottled water’!
This story is a different type of "horror" story. I don't usually like horror stories, but I couldn't stop once I started reading this.
I think you need to back through and check for run-on sentences. I noticed several.
In the second paragraph, you had quotation marks that aren't needed. I noticed another place that needed quotation mark revision, but I couldn't find when I went back searching for it.
Harry, you have managed, once again, to pack a powerful message in a concise work of poetry. Having a child question and a mother answer makes it very realistic.
I sometimes use word inversion for emphasis or effect in poetry, but if used too often or awkwardly, the use can be distracting. I would suggest maybe re-wording
*green*“He will come back alive if by God it is willed. to something like
"He will come back alive if God has so willed."
As usual you have written an interesting tale in your storeom. You have some vivid imagery, too.
This doesn't flow as smoothly as your poetry usually does, which surprises me. The inversions and awkward wording is confusing in places. For example, The dolphins riding the waves from the bow’s plowing the sea best
mirror how her heart leaps for joy is confusing until re-read twice.
The raging sea deposits him upon the shore,
so drenched, so battered, he is only half-alive.
The previous is a run-on sentence.
As usual you pack a full story in your storeom with a vivid message.
I really have no suggestions because I can't find any errors. Well, I do have this thing about not using exclamation points except in dialogue and then rarely.
Ah, the love and the sweet signs of love in this poem touch my heart. Those who really love each other do stay connected no matter how many miles may separate them.
The only suggestions I have deal with punctuation and capitalization. Let's take the capitalization first: Why do you capitalize some words that are not the beinging words of a line or of a sentence?
Now, punctuation, for example, commas are needed at the ends of lines three, eight, and nineteen (plus others) because those are the ends of introductory clauses.
I enjoyed this poem, and I hope your separation is over soon - or is over.
You have a complete and true rhyme scheme. I don't see any convoluted lines and phrases so that the rhyme exists, either, good.
I wish more was given as to why she is so sad, why she feels she pain will come. Yes, you tell us in the brief description that it's about a sick friend, but can you reveal that in the poem some way?
I wish the best for your friend. Living with pain all the time is very difficult.
Ah, now this story I remember. Anyway, I like the story and the moral, which is presented in such a way that it isn't "preachy." I love the feel of freedom yet attachment to life this story portrays.
You might want to look at the formatting of the story as it is. Some lines end too early, leaving blank spaces.
Now, I will search and find out where the story is hidden. TWAU should have already published it.
This story has a solid concept for the plot. The main characters are developed rather well, too. I found the details and descriptions fascinating.
Some the punctuation needs revamping, especially commas and periods that need to be inside end quotation marks.
In several places, double spaces are not used between paragraphs.
If you could tighten the story, it would be more interesting and stronger. For example, the following can be tighened with a few changes: The highway was long, with very few curves, and Jamie had never been down it before. She was enjoying the scenery despite the heat. Here is one way those two senteces could be revised to avoid using state of being verbs and to past perfect tense: "Jamie had never been down the long highway with its very few curves. She enjoying the scenery despite the heat." Just a suggestion.
Also in the first paragraph, what is it that she sees in the review mirror?
I can see this being polished and improved to be an excellent story.
This poem is short, but the message is concise. The alliteration, shine and spin, adds to the imagery.
I think occasional word invertion for effect adds to the poetic language in a poem, but too much becomes distracting. Also, using the incorrect form of a word to force a poem weakens writing. The correct form needed is quickly rather than quick.
I'd like to see you take your talent and polish and expand your writing.
Viv
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This poem is extremely short, yet it contains a vivid image - the true essence of poetry.
Possibly you have received reviews stating that you need to add to this piece, but I find it complete, a portrait in verse, in words.
The repetition of the phrase "angels' wings" ties this whole poem together. I like the way you use it to show the different stages of life.
I coudln't find anything I would want to change aobut this poem. It's lovely just the way it is.
Your poem is filled with vivid imagery. I feel as if I'm standing by the lake watching day turn to night.
The one suggestion I have, which would make your poetry stronger, is try to find synonyms for the words you repeatedly use, such as day and gold. For example, in the second stanza, mourn could be used for one of the day uses, maybe dawn for another. Just a suggestion.
I especially like the first stanza of this poem.
Heaven help all teachers if that's all it takes to see "red." 
“They all lived cooped up in houses with ‘conditioned air’. The period should be inside the ' 
I have no suggestions. The technical part is flawless, the wording and imagery strong and perfect.