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3,620 Public Reviews Given
3,659 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's, comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
*Bulletb* XGC, *Bulletb* Items that are written in a small font with little or no spacing, *Bulletb* I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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476
476
Review of Residual Effect  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Et Invisibilium Author Icon Welcome to WdC! I'm reviewing for this activity.

** Image ID #2208963 Unavailable **


Sci-fi genre? I'm all in. The title sounded like some kind of experiment (or should I say procedure?) gone wrong, which often happens in stories like this.

The catchy first line snagged my interest. 'talking to the air' made me think he had an AI in the house. But apparently it was a two-way conversation, like a telephone call. The people he spoke to couldn't even see him? What did I miss? Where's the futuristic element for communication?

So, simply (haha) transferring a brain to a silicone body can make a person violent? I can't make sense of that in my head. If he had no prior tendencies, then why?

The dialogue between the counselor and Mr. Emerson was funny, but also sad. How could his wife act so calmly after he unwittingly harmed her and messed up the bedroom? All she had to say was that maybe he appeared taller?

I wanted so much more from this story. More details, more information, something that made sense to me. I took the voyage through the plot. I kept reading, which means I did find points of interest to keep me engaged. That's great! *Checkg*

In the end, I left feeling dissatisfied and disappointed. Maybe this wasn't the right fit for me, the relationship between story and reader. (author and reader)

The story was never edited, which means there's still room for improvement. If this is all you wanted to accomplish, then let the story go and move forward. *Wink*


Would you like to meet more new members?
"Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window.

Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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477
477
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi eshaw08 Author Icon Welcome to WdC! I'm reviewing for this activity.

** Image ID #2208963 Unavailable **



Is this the beginning of a story, or perhaps a chapter for a book? Little was expressed here, other than telling the reader what was happening and adding character names. *Confused*

Was this 'story' read out loud, or least given more than a gush of thoughts, never edited? The mistakes were (hopefully) lapses of attention, because they were so numerous.

Best not to begin with the first sentence you wrote. Simply dive into the story, plunging the reader into the deep end and making them eager to read on.

Much of this can be accomplished with dialogue, more than the few snippets here. When writing dialogue, use a new paragraph every time a different is speaking.

Watch out for repetitiveness.

Here's a few quick examples to help

Second sentence. High Falls need to be capitalized because it's the name of the farm. Also, the reader wants to know what [beautiful] means.
Lindsey lived on high falls, the most beautiful farm in Georgia.
Lindsay lived on High Falls,

Full capital words are not seen in fiction writing.
They had chickens, goats, pigs, and a WHOLE lot of animals.

All punctuation belongs inside the quotation marks.

...it would be good for everyone".
...t would be good for everyone."

But her father was a little disappointed beaches ehe
What does this sentence mean? Aside from the typos, why would the father be surprised by what his daughter said?

The reader would like to know more about Lindsey, with more details than
things got old really fast.

My suggestion would be to re-read this, read and review other members' work so you an learn a bit more about creative writing. What we have here is a telling story with undeveloped characters and no visual description of anyone, or of any scene. Writing fiction is much more than typing out thoughts. Although this method can work to get the basics of the story while the plot is fresh in your mind. The point would be to come back and flesh out the story.

Whatever you write on the website, unless set to 'private' members will read and review. We all need to put our best writing out there. If there's a reason for the multitude of errors, I couldn't find it in your bio. (I thought maybe you were a young writer, just starting out.)

Best wishes for your continuing writing career. It's a joyful process, but sometimes incredibly frustrating. Reading, reviewing, writing, all part of the same process. I hope you stay with us as your writing skills expand.

Here's a forum to visit where some new members introduce themselves.


"Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window.

Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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478
478
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Moarzjasac Author Icon

I'm reviewing for this event. Random review dropped me in your port. *Smile*
** Image ID #2208963 Unavailable **



Cry me a river if your story hadn't made my eyes water. I have emotions running wild with memories and kudos for writing this.

What a poignant and inevitable conclusion. And the kindness left behind in the note? Beautiful. I've had a few similar experiences. People who appear in our lives and then disappear. Those are the encounters I don't forget. But none compare to the plot I read.

Some of my emotions stemmed from my brother's 30 year trucking experiences. Never 'over the road' but his route did take him to a neighboring state. He had a reputation for the 'guy who got things done'. Something got messed up, they always called my brother. The stories he tells fascinate me. And he's had a few blown tires himself.

In Florida, we have I4 that runs east to west. Most annoying when you first move here. Anyway, when trucks jackknife, it often covers six lanes on each side. People used to have "I'm an I4 prisoner" bumper stickers. Sometimes, a person might wait 2-4 hours.

What wonderful descriptions of emotions, sights, and smells. The coffee, the pie...

You buried me in your dream world, and I didn't want to leave. I even feel sad now, knowing the review is about to end.

For what it's worth, years later. At least you know I gave your story lots of attention and careful reading.

"Well what is here," the driver asked?

"Well what is here?" the driver asked.

The a young man
Strike out [a]

An excellent write that made me feel as if I had the same experiences. A full immersion. Read this one, reviewers.



Nixie

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479
479
Review of MOM  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party" Open in new Window.

Hi Renee Welcome to WdC

Please join the party!


Your story is a wonderful tribute to your mom, but it's difficult to make sense of in certain places. I read your bio (good job). In the beginning, you said you were six, and then said you started writing at sixteen. I checked to see if English were your second language.

I'm embarrassed to say my knowledge of Cerebral Palsy goes as far as 'having heard the term'. I researched a bit, and discovered its a disease that effects muscle coordination. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I cannot imagine any mom raising children, working, active in a church, going to college, and being a friend to everyone. She sounds like super-mom!

So, as I mentioned before, the mistakes here are distracting and I don't know how to help. If I listed and showed corrections, I fear you'd be discouraged. We support our newbies as best we can. Should you want help, please email and I'll respond.

If your illness has incapacitated your brain, I apologize for any misunderstanding. I'm merely sending kindness and hopefulness that you'll find WdC to be a second home, as so many of us do. How much you're involved, is your choice. Pop in whenever, plenty of members will always be here. If this tribute is all you wanted to accomplish, then that's more than enough.

The world goes 'round and 'round. Often, children end up taking care of elderly parents or relatives. You're a brave woman, Renee, raised by a mom most people only dream of. *Heart*

Here's a place where some new members introduce themselves. *Wink*


"Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window.

Nixie

A lovely animated image using a GC from my Secret Santa


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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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480
480
Review of Hanging in There  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #2208963 Unavailable **

Hi Jeff. We meet again. Welcome to the party.


I chose to review this simply for the pleasure of finding the unique words you tuck into your lines. The title brought the image of someone dangling from a branch about to snap. What I found meant far more to me.

I was with my family in the Adirondack mountains (NYS) with brand new hiking boots. The mountains are not super-high, just enough for travelers from NYC to visit and attempt the climbs. All with our little group was going well, other than me slowing and stopping to collect rocks or stick my fingers in holes. (What an idiot)

My boots came with a guarantee, safe and steady to climb any mountain. Above me stood my two brothers, perfectly balanced on a sheer vertical slice of mountain. I was stuck below with a friend. I won't say how we managed to climb.

With your character wearing cleats, this was an entirely different climb. I wondered about cleats for climbing, so I googled it and found Crampons Ice cleats. No metal spike to help. Wow. Okay, Nixie, appreciate the form: Trolaan. Stop worrying about cleats and spikes.

Simply reading how to create this poem rattled my brain. That's why I don't write poetry. I did notice the consistent punctuation, yay for me. *RollEyes* How you managed to show such a harrowing climb given the restraints, I'll never figure out. Have you mountain-climbed?

Also, there's a mountain where a violent snow storm descends, with no warning. Several climbers have died there. That was the picture set in my head when I read the last line. All the other lines and stanzas slowly built the tension, while showing the perils of this brave character. In the end, my wish is that he finds the top safely. He should have been climbing with a buddy. (obviously not appropriate for this poem) I'm defenseless against my imagination dreaming up more details. What a drag on this work to show anything other than written here.

Sr. mods are seamed into the stream of stories and poems not so easy to find reviewing on random. That's my explanation for landing in your port again.

Thanks for another great read.



Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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481
481
Review of The Partyfolk  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #2208963 Unavailable **

Hi Sonali! Welcome to the party.


I landed here again via random review. Nice piece of Flash here. Characters, setting, conflict, resolution with a twist. Like the fantasy folk, you wove magic into your words.

Other than landing here randomly, the lilac font drew my eye, and I wanted to see what was happening here. What a wonderful idea that carried the message—something here is different.

Generous spacing, except for some missed spacing in between sentences made this an easy read. The set-up with the cake and *Spider* ground me to a halt. (in a good way.) Silly me, I tried to picture how a spider might be wrapped, and how a cake could taste like soap. The spider alone would have been justification enough for me to shut down all festivities. Although that's incredibly self-centered, as royalty and some presidents tend to be. Someday we'll find a kind and compassionate leader who cares enough about the people to govern with dignity. If only humans had a way to 'celebrate' (go on living as if there were a good leader) the world would be a better place.

I believe in trees able to carry and send messages. I'm not sure what that says about me. *Confused* No tree is left without a quick stroke when my path carries me toward them. It's my way of thanking them for their contribution to the planet and for admiration of their beauty. I'd best stop now, lest some readers arrange to have me committed for insanity. *Laugh*

What a lovely party scene you created. I felt the festivity and joy. Because the read was so soft and precious, I knew that chef would keep the secret. She needs to be the ruler. I didn't expect the spice part, though. Nice tie-in with her job.

Oh, that was some title you made up for the world where this took place. I didn't see it the first time around. Once I caught on, I smiled.

Thanks for the read!!


Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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482
482
Review of build something  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi there. Welcome to the party.


I have learned the same thing. If one goes in search of something with the feeling of 'need' inside them it will only bring more need. With a strengthened brain and practice, we create our own reality. Of course that's not always true. Or sometimes we don't recognize what we have because we expected it to come in a certain form. Abstract example. If we're thinking of a square box wrapped in pink paper and a blue circular box shows up, we won't 'see' what's been brought into our life.

I liked the way you formatted the poetry, the staggered lines, the [i] not capitalized, the large font and generous spacing. This 'open' look invites readers in like an innocent child. Hmm. Take a quick look. Nothing to see here. Another reader (like me) hones in on the words and takes the time to absorb the thoughts. In my case, there was nothing to absorb, since the same thoughts run in my brain. I've learned to be careful with what I'm thinking. I remind myself, 'I accept only light and love' which guards us from picking up negativity that might be floating around, seeking an easy mark.

This is especially true for me when I meditate. I'm opening my mind to the cosmos, which can be dangerous if one is not properly prepared.

Have you considered capitalizing the title? Or is this the way you felt inside as you wrote? Understated, almost silent, something slipping past. If so, it works.

So you see, this isn't simply a message for yourself. You've accomplished what writers dream of. An audience that connects to the words. *Sun*

Keep on writing. You have wisdom and compassion to share. In your solitude, you've connected to the world.


Nixie *Bigsmile*

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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483
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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hi Ben. Welcome to the party.


When I find poetry that captures my attention, my bravest attempts to write a review take over. My reaction to poetry is almost always skip. Poems have forms, and not appreciating the talent required to pen something that both fits the form feels wrong. So if please pardon me as my attention wasn't on form, rather on the overall effect, or mood. (I did hear the lyrical rhythm.)

I wondered who the narrator was? Who is the one talking to the [you]? lol Someone who knows mermaids? The author himself giving warning? Those questions distracted me, which seems ridiculous.

In an attempt to forget and move forward, here we go. The first stanza, with the word [breast] set the seductive mood. It was flashy, definitely visual, and added to the mystique of the legendary creatures.

As the stanzas progress, nothing is repeated. Each one has a different message, another warning, yet still the reader knows the inevitable conclusion. Except, maybe not.

Since I've never heard of mermaids killing with a knife, my mind switched itself around. The last stanza didn't match my take, yet still I persisted. I thought the poem would switch to a man on land ending up brokenhearted due to a human relationship with a woman. Better to take chances ashore, safe from the legend, but not from the pain.

What to do? I had to google to see if I was lacking in mermaid lore. And I was! One sister bites the carotid while the other sister seeks the love that comes from the heart. I wasn't sure if both sisters could find satisfaction in the same man.

What I've never understood is why people think an organ looks like a heart that represents the source of love. That's why I took delight in the dark ending. *Laugh* There! I reviewed a poem, holding hope you found no insults.

Nixie





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484
484
Review of The Stars  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2208963 Unavailable **

Hi Robin. Welcome to the party.


I enjoyed reading this lively adventure. Often, wonders are hidden behind innocuous or dull entrances. I don't know who gave Aticus the map, nor do I know why. The description of the inside made me as curious as Aticus, and I eagerly followed the plot. I'd like to have automatic night vision. (oops. I didn't know he was wearing a helmet. I think the reader needs to know that from the beginning.

I guess it's not necessary, and maybe too complicated to add to the plot, but I wondered where this was taking place, and what was the society like?

All those doors; I was acutely aware of Articus passing one after another, wondering if he would try to open one. He had the same concerns as I. The 'contents' of the doors he did open didn't belong in a sanctuary. Someone must have been hiding something, and the legend might have gone askew.

Ick. the sight made him puke in his helmet, and he had to continue wearing his helmet even after the mess inside. Double Ick.

Once he found the door with the panels he couldn't open, he did what anyone would do. Blast the darn thing to pieces. It felt like I was walking behind him, watching his moves and slightly apprehensive. Typical of an adventurer, he didn't hesitate to pry open the pillar. The fear factor multiplied by ten!

I wasn't completely in agreement with Articus when he started blasting the oozing creature. What if it was innocent? But once it attacked, violence naturally ensued. Excellent job describing the fight. I understood almost all the movements, other than the one I mentioned below.

Of course our hero won. And I was totally taken by surprise when the next thing happened. (no spoilers).

I do have questions. Was the creature the perpetrator of the guts scene? Was he part of an experiment that turned south so badly, he had to be imprisoned? Who imprisoned him? I speculated he might have been the pilot, but oh, how very wrong I was!

I can't get a clear visual from this sentence. what is [it] referring to?

The creature curled its legs between it and Articus and kicked him across the room.

A few pointers
It sounds normal to use [suddenly] when writing, but in fiction nothing happens suddenly. It just happens. [A noise pierced the air.]

Suddenly a noise pierced the air.

In the vein of thought, action is immediate.
he began to lower himself down.

[He lowered himself down.]

Avoid passive verbs that slow down the action.
and he would have been lost if he had not had his night vision

A quick example. His auto night vision lit the way. Or was the night vision in his helmet?

Articus overcame the obstacle in his path, which was the element that drove the plot. I'm left with questions, but the story progressed sensibly and logically. Perhaps the details I felt lacking may have made the read overly long.

The story needs editing, but overall a good write, especially considering you're a new member! Keep writing!

Nixie

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485
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Redtowrite. Nixie, here. Welcome to the party.


I'm returning the favor. Review for review.

That title is an attention grabber. It speaks of the living and the dead. They seem like roses as they fade. The thorns pierce us once they're gone. We bleed, but go on.

This is a little difficult for me to review, due to similar circumstances with family members, not as a nurse, though. I'm a cancer survivor. My doctor caught the Ovarian Cancer while still held in both ovaries. I didn't need chemo. I'm not sure I would choose chemo. Yes, it prolongs life, but the treatment is sometimes more for the ones living who don't want to be left behind. Chemo is torturous.

In Pam's situation, she had a lot to live for. Battling cancer and chemo makes sense with so much to lose. Rather then focus on the illness, I'm switching to the relationship that developed in your words.

This reads so much like non-fiction, and the cover art looks like a photo. Yet, it's not marked non-fiction, leaving me with a puzzle. There were so many tender moments, the one I most cherished was the scene of the nurse helping Pam bring the tea cup back to the table in the nurse's lounge.

Lovely alliteration.
I watched a tired tear travel over her cheek

The words following this sentence confused me.
I had to strain to hear what she was saying.

I think letting the reader know Pam was a young woman with children would make more sense as the read progressed. I wasn't sure who was saying what about whom. It's your story, so this is clear in your mind. I can't see your dream world.

Another confusing paragraph following continuing from this sentence.
It was a year ago when I first met her. They were flying

Who is [they]? At times the POV seems to shift. A bit of reordering, or simplifying without so many details might bring the tragedy closer to the reader. What's important in this piece is the relationship between hospital staff and patient. Trying to fit all the pieces in one story confuses. I've done it more than once.

The most endearing sentence *Heart* A clear and tender visual. Precious as porcelain.

Her head was framed by tufts of blonde hair.

I'm not sad saying goodbye to the story and author. I felt part of the scene, more as an observer to the action rather than immersed in the plot. I would want someone to tell me if that were the case. My joy, and as expressed in your bio, is to touch the reader in some way. I bet you can pare this down to the horrible beauty that's transpiring here.


Nixie

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486
486
Review of Interpretation  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hi trailerpark!
Welcome to the party! I'm preparing an Easy Indian yellow fish curry

Before I delve in to your flash, I have to point out one error. In the beginning, she's seeing a therapist. On TV, it's a psychiatrist being arrested. A therapist can't prescribe meds, they're not M.D.s If you change the opening line to psychiatrist, you'll be good to go. I would mention the psych's name in the beginning.

What was Emily being treated for? Any M.D. can prescribe sleep meds, if there's no underlying, chronic disorder.

I thought the reason he was arrested was a little bizarre. Nothing indicated he had a motive to do so. I really did see a psychiatrist being arrested on TV. He was accused of taking advantage of a multi-person patient. He lost his license, and it was all a sham. She'd pulled the same trick before.

Since the psych 'skimmed' over her body during her visit, the real life scenario above, shameful as it was, fits better. That's why I mentioned it.

And another question. What about that bizarre situation made Emily decide she wanted to be a psychiatrist? She isn't interested in breaking and entering, is she?

I did figure out one important clue. She'd been dreaming about her psych.

I feel lost here, and I'm sorry. Flash is incredibly difficult to write, trying to get in enough details without going over the 300 w/c limitation.

Nixie

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Rated: E | (4.0)


Hi, Kieran. Nixie, here. Welcome to WdC! *Balloonr*

Welcome to the party! I'm preparing an entree. Lebanese - Spiced Almond Fish with Fattoush. The party is a fun challenge for members who want to review others. You're lucky enough to be an ingredient in my dinner. *Laugh*

You have the beginnings of a precious story here. The set-up of how the two women met was hilarious. Excellent job showing what was happening. A duck was floating away with the bag? *Laugh* And both ended up in the pond. What a lively story that was a fun read.

Take care in varying your sentence structures. Since we already know the girls' names, you don't have to start so many sentences with 'the young brunette'. Scan your eyes down the page, and you'll see what I'm referencing. Then, make sure you don't start all your sentences with their names. *Wink*

We learn as we write, so don't stop. I can tell already you have a good writer's voice and clever ideas in your head. Share them with the community. We take good care of our 'newbies'.

Ask questions, poke around, have fun. Questions? Any member would be happy to assist.

I just took a peek to see if you filled out your bio.

You've traveled here from Scotland? Wow. And you're already writing. I'm impressed.
So English is not your first language? How long have you been studying. Now I understand where you're writing is coming from.

Here's a forum to visit, if you want to.

"Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window.

*Bigsmile*

Signature by Brooke


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488
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Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi NorahMae. Stopping by again.

This is the second time I've visited your portfolio. Today, I'm preparing a Lebanese Entree- Spiced Almond Fish with Fattoush

Wow, you definitely know how to express your feelings. Each stanza varies, showing different levels of reasons for concern. It's an awful feeling when a person thinks something has changed, but it's just a feeling, and they fall on us like rain. It's what we do with those feelings that determines an outcome.


Normally, I like to see poems balanced. Lines around the same length, stanzas the same. This poem appealed to me because it seems wild, like your desperation. And each stanza had one super-long line at the end. The specific pattern you were trying to achieve worked. *Smile*

The first moment when I came undone was reading the title. The emotion is so familiar to me (for different reasons) I don't want anyone else to feel this way. That's a lot of feelings. Your poetry is tragic, but easy to follow and understand. The endless questions plaguing you can only be resolved in one way. And, in the last stanza, the realization you knew from the beginning was finalized. All you need is the courage to ask. It's kind of like letting (and this is a much lower level of anxiety, but does demonstrate my point) tasks, rather than emotions pile up until one is overwhelmed. The person is aware the only release comes from conquering those tasks, but is wont to do them.

You have written about this so much; I checked your portfolio, it's time to let it go, one way or another. Why don't you fill out your bio so we know a bit about you?

Keep writing those poems, and one surely will bring an outcome. You'll only have to deal with whatever happens. Your hope, or your fear. Hang tight.

~Nixie *Heartv*

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


Hi Seuzz

Welcome to the party! I'm preparing a Japanese Appetizer - Tuna and Sesame Rice Balls


Random reviewing dropped me here, which worked perfectly for me today. I enslaved your words to double-check the components of the short story I'm trying to write. I was able to answer all the questions affirmatively. My plot is a bit more complicated, which is my downfall. We really need two types of conflicts. The protagonist's inner turmoil and an external conflict.

The who wants what and why keeps changing as the story progresses. They way they intend to get it varies, but the simplest way, is what the protagonist fears. Killing him. Both parties are thwarted. The assassin keeps his prey safe while shifting circumstances keep changing the outcome. What quashes the plan? [quashes-good word]
The assassin changes his mind, thwarting everyone's plan, answering only to himself. Too bad he thought he was in love with his target. *Pthb* In 2000 words or less.

Scenes of reaction
The rival companies end up taking each other out. No recourse. They were always sort of a non-issue. The spy is the character with the twist, and he just moves on to his next assignment. To achieve the goal? He enlists a dark-op friend who's supposed to work for the president, but sometimes works off book.

To achieve their goal takes a lot of money, and the spy demands and receives 10 Mil.
Achievement would be a sequel. First thing would be meeting up with friend and devising a plan. Upon accomplishment, our spy can retire.

Thanks to all these questions, I think the plot is nailed down. I'm a little weak on AIDA though. I reach more of an nullity, though not term specific. The story is resting right now. I can refer back to your article when I make the next edit. Unless the last one is done!

I appreciate what you've written here, and again, thanks for the help!


Nixie

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Rated: E | (5.0)


Hi Dawn.
Welcome to the party! I'm preparing a dessert from England: Banoffee Pie.

No way. That's what I said when I read the last line. Most times, I read the last line of a poem or short story first. It clues me in as to whether I'll like the topic or the author's voice.

*Snow4*
 Can I just cry? I feel like some kind of crazy person, trying to explain to no one who listens why time doesn't exist. Everyone thinks I'm nuts. The thing is, in the present moment, we're already in the past. We have another thought and we're in the future. What I've taken as my own philosophy, is that space is moving, not us. Theoretical physics, although I think space moving has been proved. I missed my calling. If only this mind belonging to me now, had heard the other mind talking to me years and years ago. I would have studied in that field.

Sorry for the aside, but your work brought all of that out of me. As I read, my eyes actually picked up the pattern of the words, an astounding accomplishment for me.

I'm exhausted from frustration that many cling to Einstein, when we really don't understand anything. And why did the world choose Einstein over Carl Jung? Jung understood on an esoteric level that spoke to me. I've read most of his published work. What if we're wrong about the concept of gravity? Oh, I have to stop now, since I'm reviewing, not pontificating.

Wonderful job writing this. In the end, I'm hoping the message was clear to me. I'd be mortified if the point was opposite the argument I proposed, as if in agreement with what I read.

Nixie

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Rated: E | (5.0)


Hi Snow *Smile*
Please join the party! I'm preparing a dessert from England: Banoffee Pie


*Snow2*
 I've decided the only way I'll learn to write poetry (fingers crossed) is by reading it. Usually, the different forms escape me, or the verses are obtuse and confound me. It's a pleasure to pop over via random review and find a treasure like yours.

*Snow3*
The explanation of a Harrisham rhyme actually made sense, though I wondered about the challenge. And I didn't read the explanation until after I'd read the poem. I easily related, most likely due to the 'grey hair' reference. The joys of aging. The other day I learned eyelashes turn grey and fall out. Eyelashes, what an indignity.

*Snow3*
The solemn mood of this poem took me for a sweet ride through the words. I paused for a while and thought about that last line. What a unique way of expressing a feeling I didn't know was inside me.

*Sun*
In the Desiderata, one of the verses goes like this:
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth

I think of that most every day, but I still am not inclined to surrender. Not to sound vain, but I appear much younger than I am. The years ahead as that boon fades, I'll be sad.

*Snow4*
Excellent job with the concise wording (a skill I'll probably never acquire) and following the structure of the poem. I enjoyed the poem for what it was, forming into it into a mold made it that much more impressive. Thanks for the read. *Smile*

Nixie

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Rated: ASR | (5.0)


Hi Maryann!
Please join the party! I'm preparing a dessert from China -Dragon Beard Candy.

Oh, Maryann. What to do with you? I can't review poems. I know that's want you want from reviewers. But you're stuck with me.

I understand why you had to emphasize fiction and pick an era where you couldn't possibly have lived. The story is so personalized, it reads like this is really your mom. Cute little emoticon clocks at the top, too. Precious.

Of course, the picture tells the truth. I just wanted you to know how Powerful *Laugh* your writing is.

When the daughter is talking about how normal her mom is at home, while others are blown away by her celebrity status, I remembered something I heard a while ago. Whatever year it was, Harrison Ford was chosen as America's most sexy guy. His wife's comment? Paraphrased: Really? He's just the guy who takes out the trash at home.

I smiled at the reference to Chanel. My mom always wore Chanel #5. It was her. I never told her how much I hated it. It smelled like old women. *Laugh*

Excellent job showing the technology (or lack thereof) in the 20's. It maked perfect sense that people wanted to copy a celebrity. I'm thinking of Jackie Kennedy at the moment and her pill-box hats. Those Kennedy's were royals to Americans.

When her mom was tied to the railroad tracks, I remembered that song from when I was a kid. The phrase that sticks is he tied her to railroad tracks/and then along came Jones. We sang that all the time.

And then the complete switch in the last paragraph took me completely by surprise, same as the daughter. Great job showing two sides of a character in one story. Thanks for the read, Maryann. *Heartv*

Nixie

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Review of A Study in Grey  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


He Madeleine. Welcome to WdC

Please join the party! I'm preparing a dessert from China -Dragon Beard Candy.

If you were going for dark and gruesome, you achieved it. For a genre, you might want to choose dark/horror, because the genre crime is also gangster. We must have different definitions of prose, because this reads like a short story.

It's also a good idea, though not necessary, to put a link to the contest you entered at the bottom of the story. Be sure the rules don't require a posted word count after the story. It's possible any item could be disqualified for that reason. Some hosts are more lenient than others. Best to follow the rules right from the beginning so it becomes a habit. *Wink*

Creepy cover art and the title sends the reader a message. Beware. And if there's any uncertainty, the brief description is excellent as an introduction to the story. Why does she only see in grey? A metaphor for not seeing black and white? A metaphor for her world is bleak?

Just to let you know, I might have passed this by because there's no spacing or paragraphing. All the words are jumbled together in a block of text. Readers like to see 'white space' (paragraphing) because many are impatient and white space makes the story appear easier to read. And it does. *Wink*

You have it all down. Sturdy plot, creepy narrator, motive, opportunity, conflict (inner) and the external conflict (getting caught).

The mom was my favorite character, even dead, because of all the diets Ruby mentioned when she was moving the body. Great visual showing her trying to lug the dad over to the van.

The setting moved from the brief description of the house (just enough to show the reader, but not too much to bog it down). Nice going changing the setting as the plot progressed. I did wonder if you meant to say smooth leather (couch) in the first sentence. Or do you want the reader to deduce the meaning? I was trying to think of what else was leather, other than furniture, so maybe defining it wasn't necessary. Just saying.

Remember to use actions, not exclamation marks of full caps to show emotion. The two instances of "NO!" would be fine as "No!"

I can't put my finger on what made the conclusion less dramatic than I expected. It could be the exclamation marks that distracted. Action definitely would have a greater impact. I'll leave that up to you, as it should be. But trust me on the punctuation. *Wink*

I enjoyed the write,though I usually skip over stories like this. There's enough dark in the world. Rather than pushing the gruesome, you left it simple and short. Maybe that's why I read it. Keep writing!

You might want to stop here and meet other new members.

"Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window.

Nixie

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Review of My Old House  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi! I found your story using the read and review option. Welcome to WdC!

Overall Impression
Wow! What a fantastic story! The concept of time travel is widely explored, but I liked the way you wrote it. Not just a single person chancing a blunder, but entire buildings moved into the future.

Diving in
Here's the problem. Isn't there always a problem? *Laugh* The story desperately needs paragraphing. Every time the dialogue switches to a new character, start a new paragraph. It sounds like some great dialogue is going on, but I can't separate who is saying what and when. Lots of ellipsis in here, a bit overdone, but that's okay. As long as you start a new paragraph.

The 'Prof comes in without introduction. How do the characters, who have never met him, know him as the Prof?

Also, you're using an abundance of [ly] words, which generally means the verb is weak and has to be propped up. Also, adverbs do not work as dialogue tags. I don't re-write an author's words, but here's an example, in your first sentence of adverbs propping up weak verbs.
They go inside quickly and shut the door quietly.
Consider: They dart inside and ease the door closed.
That's less words and a stronger image is created. More direct.

Authors show emotions with actions, not punctuation.
Thirty something??"
Can someone be scratching their head, or looking at the ceiling for answers? What would a person look like while pondering this question?

This is one example of using an adverb as a dialogue tab.
Sorry, we'll let you get on." Ann shyly adds.
What would Ann look like if she were shy? Peeking out from behind someone? Whispering? Would she be astonished by speaking out of turn and blushing?

A whole lot of confusion would vanish if the reader could simply tell who is talking by paragraphing. That would be step one, for a suggestion. I 'see' how you're trying to explain traveling into the future, but it's too spaced out and confusing.

Closing comments
I am not trying to tear your story apart. That would be a waste. Especially when the reader finds out who Ann is. Stroke of genius. I wonder if she's supposed to forget when she takes them back to 2020.

I hope you consider working on this story again. It's wonderful, if only it were edited. That's the necessary, but not fun part. *Facepalm*



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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Rhyssa. Nixie here,
dropping off a review from
A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Fire*
I read this first without paying attention to the title and brief description. That means I jumped in the deep end and read through swiftly. Of course, I went back and took my time. But at first read, I thought you were talking about a romantic situation, partly because I read something into it that wasn't there and partly because of the first 5 lines sounded like a romantic relationship. Weird anticipating something, on my part. I guess it could be argued, for the fun of it, that the author and the publisher have a relationship, and the publisher has the power to clobber the writer, anonymously, as it were.

*Fire*
Each stanza, beginning with the title was extremely effective in establishing fluidity and continuity. I would have like that last stanzas broken up to match the lines of the first three. (maybe after 'toe peeping out') and maybe again after (tactical baton). It's not my place to say, because I'm not the author, and I'd have to play around with the order to find what 'felt' right.

*Fire*
In some lines, there's hope and strength, followed by the cold reasoning that the result is not in the author's control. Chocolate helps everything, with its natural boost of Serotonin.

A reader can't help but notice all the words in green font. If you managed to compose this with all those as prompt words, well, I'm knocked right off my chair.

*Fire*
If I read this correctly, the author is staying up all night with the alarm clock sending him off to sleep rather than waking him. I've read it 4 times, so if I'm wrong, please accept apologies.

The metaphors are beautiful and vivid. Especially 'castles out of nothing'. And the teddy bear is armed to keep the rejection notes from hurting. Clever.

2014 seems like yesterday, but I'm guessing a whole lot has changed since then. Bravo for having the courage to submit to editors. I have trouble submitting my work for contests. *Facepalm*

~Nixie











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Review of Hide and See  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2208963 Unavailable **


Hi normajean.
Nixie here to drop off a review for the activity above. I'm preparing a French Creme Brulee.


*BareTree3* By Hook or by Crook
I didn't realize how much of a 'pick me up' I needed until I read this piece. First the perplexing title, which the mind might fill in, unintentionally, Hide and Seek. the brief description draws attention back to the title, and you've capture your reader.

Competition pieces are incredibly difficult to write. After reading this one, and noticing it was never edited, I expect it flowed from your mind as surely as it reads here. What a treat when that happens. For myself, my writing is better under pressure. I'm working on a piece due at the end of this month and it's been edited at least eleven times. No kidding. Granted, I'm writing in a genre never tried before. I'm not entering to win, the point for me is the practice. But the endless re-thinks requiring rewrites, is exhausting. I won't give up, though.

*BareTree3* Following George and Mark
Spicy first sentence is the second draw. The conflict begins immediately, which is the most important part when writing with a word count. It's a simple enough plot, a concept that always evades me, but, wow, it's extremely clever. So many excellent plays on words. I especially liked how you tagged 'as they say' after the cliche about the pig. *Thumbsup*

*BareTree3* Characters
Both characters were believable and opposite, which created the conflict. I'd be furious with George, but Mark must be a good friend, and seems to take it in stride. The entire part about the super glue had me laughing, which I don't, by the way.

Top it off with the twist, and wa-la! *Star*

*BareTree3* A big bloop. *Sad*
Only one big error. Writers don't show emotions in full caps or excessive punctuation. We use our skills to demonstrate emotional reactions by having the character respond to the problem. (You're certain to see which section I'm referring to, as it sticks out like a fire hydrant in the middle of a green field.)

Please, either return to edit that part, or take the knowledge forward to the next story. It broke my heart to see such a fantastic story thrown off balance with full caps and multiple exclamation marks.

There's a few places where the words bump up against each other, incorrect spacing. My suggestion is the same as before. Continue on and remember not to let that happen.

*BareTree3* Off I go!
Thank you so much for writing this. Random review surely treasured me today to bring me to this fantastic story. Keep writing, okay?

~Nixie



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Review of Download This!  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #2208963 Unavailable **


Hi Jeff
Nixie here to drop off a review for the activity above. I'm preparing France - Creme Brulee.

What a complete stroke of luck to land here via random review. It's not easy to find Sr. Mods for Brooke's activity.

I've never liked punctuation in titles, before seeing yours. Since you can't italicize a word, an exclamation mark seems to be the only option. And without that mark, the meaning would be diluted.

So, here come the tiny Borg, about to assimilate earth. *Laugh* I've
always dreamed of humans evolving to telepathy, but never any thoughts taken against one's will. We'd have to learn how to build walls in our minds. Wait, everyone already has walls constructed. That's what makes speech so subjective. It would be nice if humans evolved in some way. All I've read so far is people, in their own homes, adapting cybernetics for their own bodies. Really weird.

Tony's one smart guy. What fascinates some humans disgusts me. I don't understand what the attraction is to abusive tv series like the CSI Special Victims. Is that the name? I can't imagine what an alien species would make of our predilection for violent virtual games. Again, not all of us. But Tony must have had a few disgusting images in mind. Or maybe they were acceptable to humans, but not these aliens.

"Just plain wrong" was my favorite phrase. Maybe because I tend to say it. Anyhow, crisis averted. What an awful twist for an advanced concept. Words as warfare.

As always, I enjoyed stopping by your port and absorbing a bit of your outstanding writing. *Smile*

~Nixie



~Nixie


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Review of Unfilled Time  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Angelica. Nixie here. I found your story via random reviewing.

*Vignette2*
From the top
Excellent title! The theme could have been expressed in many different ways, but I can't think of one more elegant than yours. *Smile* The brief description clues in the reader, which is a good thing, since the contest was so severely word-limited.

*Vignette2*
Emotions evoked
I'm trying hard to relate to this, but it's not an easy task, for the reason written above. I understand the content, for the parents it's a short walk, but the second line has a double-meaning. It can be referred to as time, or the length of stride. I needed to walk four steps to keep up with my dad's one. Now I'm wondering why he never slowed down for me.

*Vignette2*
suggestions/Thoughts
Apologies, I'm unclear as to the meaning of five. Was the child accompanying the parents and bringing her stuffed toys? In the beginning, it sounds like the parents are leaving her behind. So how did the toys fall?

*Vignette2*
Wrapping it up
"Then they came back." is a conclusive line which makes me think the parents really did leave the child alone for a bit. So then I'm back to sussing out the meaning of the teddy bears falling. *Laugh*

I clicked on the contest link you posted. What a shame it's no longer running. The challenge looked like fun.

I'm not really sure why this was rated so low before. You had a lot to overcome, and only so much can be expected. Seriously, I think you did a good job, other than confusing me. *Laugh*


Damiana Matrix SPR

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Holly! Welcome to WdC. *Smile*


Overall Impression
Beginning at the end, I found the conclusion pretentious and snobby. Lucky for me I read it again, and realized it was fictionalized. The narrator still didn't feel like a person I'd like to meet, but that was only at the conclusion.

Thoughts/Feelings
What was fun for me? The delight of seeing German here. Ich spreche nur ein bißchen.' or, Ich spreche nur ein wenig deutsch. Yes, I could understand the German written here. It's also how I know the sentence in the beginning should be "ich liebe dich", not [du.] Maybe you'll want to go through and correct the rest. *Wink*

It was fun to read about the cultural history and the interweaving of languages. "ich vermisse ihn auch." was my favorite moment. It was so intimate, her whispering into her mom's ear that she also missed her father.

For readers who don't speak multi-languages, perhaps a translation at the end would make the work more reader friendly. Some of the French I can guess at, but that's all. So many people in America speak Spanish now, I really need to learn.

Lasting Impression
So, honestly, I didn't like the narrator at all, due to the conclusion and the pretentiousness. I did like her rich cultural experiences, though.

Think about adding in translations. *Wink*

Here's a place you may want to check out.
"Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window.


Reviewing your work was
My Pleasure tks.

Nixie
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi day-na.
Nixie here. Dropping off a review for the activity depicted below. I'm making a dessert France - Creme Brulee

** Image ID #2208963 Unavailable **


First off, welcome to WdC! We're happy to see new members.

For this flash of inspiration regarding human perception, I wonder if it can be taken a bit further. The concept is thought-provoking, and I understand, as one of your first pieces, you most likely dashed this off before the words slipped from your mind. That happens to me almost every day. *Pthb*

The topic of rain is unusual, and your short comments provoked a strong reaction, unexpected from only a few words. I thought of my mom and how she feels cozy and protected when it rains. I like the sound. And if there's a storm, all those negative ions in the air lift one's spirits.

I'd be amiss not to point out a few areas that need editing. Remember to always capitalize [I] in a sentence.

If you're directly quoting someone, the person's name needs acknowledgement. I googled the quote and Bob Marley appears to be the author. His name should appear, either in the body of the work,
[I've always liked the quote by Bob Marley...
or at the end.

Your feelings are stated in the beginning, introducing the mood, reflective and relaxing. I understand this is a personal reaction, but what if you could give the reader more? Describe a specific rain-experience. My mom liked the rain best when she was driving. (She's in her 90's, the past tense reflects her at a younger age, not as a deceased person.)

Here goes my mind into overdrive. Great job putting words to virtual paper. I think you have the basics for a short story in your words, should you be so inclined. Just sayin'. *Wink*

Most importantly, never stop writing. I'm on my 10th edit of what should have been an uncomplicated plot, but the story keeps taking me in other directions. A huge part of writing involves editing. You should have seen the first draft. *Facepalm*

Hey, you can always stop here to meet some new members.
"Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window.


All the best,
~Nixie




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