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Review Requests: ON
1,142 Public Reviews Given
1,383 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
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Review of High  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

I like this title. It's different and yet works for the topic. Well done since I know what experience this comes from for you.


Comments:

This is a good little poem. However, I would change the description. The feeling I got from that before reading the poem would be the look from someone who is on top down. Instead it turned out to be more of a someone near the bottom looking up. Might want to write it in a way that reflects the words of the poem.

Rhythm/Rhyme:

It has a decent flow and the rhyme scheme works well. No part of it comes off as forced, which is a plus.

Favorite Part:

It's a feeling I can't replace,
Just one touch, just one embrace.
You're so high up on your throne,
Way down here I'm all alone.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No other suggestions.

Nice job and keep writing!
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252
Review of We Arms  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Image for contest made by Neko


I like the introduction. As an attempting artist the character interests me. *Smile*

Consider contractions though, such as "was not" into "wasn't". It gives the paragraph a slightly different flow and moves things a tad bit faster.

“How we have reached this point” proclaimed Dr Pecoli over a large hall filled with the din of a hundred opinions “is an irrelevant if interesting argument.” - The dialogue divided like this is a little confusing and would work better put together.

"Winter was getting started." - This seemed a little out of place for me in the paragraph.

This is a good attempt at the prompt and I could see it clearly. I feel like there could be more to the story. It could use more to show the plot of the story.

The ending combines things together well, closing with where the story left off; the artist.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
253
253
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


What I noticed from the very beginning is the use of passive voice. It weakens the blow, particularly the first paragraph and you don't want that. On the other side of the first paragraph, you have some fun things involved. "alert faces of dancing daffodils" is great and could even be a line of a poem.

The path yelling is an interesting and unexpected spin.

"Mark didn’t know how but he was suddenly standing next to Jenny gaping at the bike path below." - this sentence is a little off-putting. This is a personal opinion but I'd rather have him jump away from the road than have him not know how he got next to her. Shows more that way.

I'd recommend cutting out some of the adverbs (-ly) words. At least for the paragraphs where there are more than one in them.

'“Well, speak up why don’t you?” the Blob asked.' - since it doesn't stay a blob I wouldn't capitalize it here. I know the reason you did since it's speaking but since that's not the name or anything I would just keep it lowercased until the name is introduced.

“You can’t be real,” Mark stuttered. “What are you? We must be…” his voice trailed of.
“Puffs the name,” the thing replied. “Puff the Magic Dragon.”
- space needed between the lines since different characters are speaking.

The "dragon" is an amusing character to say the least.

From "You’re obviously not a flesh and blood dragon who breathes fire and eats damsels in distress are you?” Mark curiously asked. “What are you really?”
to “Oh! That God.” Puff sputtered. “The one you humans created back in your infancy.” They could tell that he sounded very disappointed." there are a fair amount of "replied" "asked" "stated" but no other actions. Instead of speak script maybe input a little bit of action in this part.

"Puff could also tell from the reaction of the humans that he had somehow upset them." This is in the "dragons" perspective and not the characters the story starts in. I'd recommend staying out of puff's viewpoint.

he stated." Humans could not explain the things around them so they naturally attributed it to something more powerful than themselves.

The ending... I see why you wanted to have the dragon perspective earlier. It's tough to show a multi-third person. Maybe that could be shown more in the beginning by going in all character's viewpoint.

It's a story of conversation. Almost everything is learned in dialogue which is okay but there could be more added to the story to show in a different way.

If you've never read Alpha Ralpha Boulevard by Cordwainer Smith, I'd recommend you read it.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
254
254
Review of Twist Of Fate  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

I like this one. The concept behind the words is great. The only problem that I see with it is the structure. Topic wise it is a great poem.


Form:

The lines are a little long and it would look a little better (just my opinion) if the lines were separated a bit and made into more lines. It would probably flow a little better and give the poem a higher rating that it deserves.


Favorite Part:

Then I'd still have your little piece of my heart and the only thing sufferring would be my art.


Keep on Writing
255
255
Review of SD International  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

This is a nice little poem. I like how you used a familiar place, like an airport, in poetic form. It also has an interesting dynamic due to the fact that often times meeting someone at an airport is a happy moment, but this is bittersweet.


Imagery:

The descriptions are fun and easy to visualize.


Favorite Part:

Your arrival is departing

So sweet this release but full of sorrow from loves separation


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Is it actually "urethane"? The definition from my dictionary is "a synthetic crystalline compound used in making pesticides and fungicides, and formerly as an anesthetic." Just something that made me wonder.
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256
Review of The Classic  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

I like the concept of this poem. Very nice. You do a great job with poetry and the method of displaying the story is very well done here. Movies and a romance, nicely done.


Form:

The double spacing looks a little odd, but it might just be because I'm used to the poems on here to not have the double spacing. It gives a bit too much break between each line.


Favorite Part:

Who yelled cut

Who pressed stop

Who directed us to end this way


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I'd get rid of the spacing between lines, but that's just me. You can keep it this way if you like.

Nice poem and keep writing.
257
257
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1508787 Unavailable **


The characters are unique and the banter between them is fun to read. They have a good dynamic and I'm sure if the plot of the rest of the story matches that, combined with more description, it will be an interesting story. The last line is good and final.

First suggestion - do not capitalize all the words of the title and the description, it hurts the eyes a little bit.

Another is to put a space between paragraphs. Either an extra enter or click the little box that says double space when editing. That will make it easier to read.

“Willie, isn’t it enough trouble you’ve caused already? - this sentence is rather awkward. Something along the lines of "haven't you caused enough trouble already".

Mother ordered me to begin parking. - packing?


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
258
258
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1508787 Unavailable **


Interesting entry. The conflict is good and intriguing. This could be a good book, everything that leads up to this entry from what I can tell. The last paragraph is very good and a solid end.

I had a hard time telling if there was one main character or two. Most of it focuses on Franky, and that makes sense considering the title. But there are a couple of instances where it seems to go into Bill Parker's pov just a tad.

Warder? Is this supposed to be similar to a Warden?



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
259
259
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

This is a deep, sad little poem. I think it's very well written and like how it starts, building from the first line towards the last. Very heartfelt and poetic. You did a good job with this one.


Imagery:

Can picture the bruise.


Favorite Part:

It hurts when I touch it
but I can’t help myself.
I want to feel the pain
know it’s real
because it’s the one
I’m allowed to feel.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Not sure what you could do to make it any better. It is pretty darn good the way it is now.
260
260
Review of Little Girl Lost  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

I see what you mean about the off feeling. However, I must say the concept is great. Very good job at this poem. It'd be perfect if you figure out the off tone. But even without it, it's a good poem.


Favorite Part:

So now my hand is cold
and my heart is feeling old


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Here are some suggestions to consider.

In the first stanza, it might flow different if the "you are" ones are combined to be "you're".

The second stanza is what sound off to me. It seems to have a choppier flow compared to the first stanza with stronger lines that have more punch at each line instead of the type of flow together that it's the first.


Nice Poem
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261
Review of Cruel Love  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

Nice poem. I enjoyed reading this one. It has good use of emotions and is sad but strong.
The different stanzas are great, unique and a very nice touch. I like how this one is created.

Favorite Part:

I gasp, surprised---warm lips find mine,
unexpected, yet truly divine.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

causing my pained heart suddenly to race

instantly to shatter. - reword "instantly"

unexpected, yet truly divine. - would reword "truly" or delete it

as a cunning voice sweetly entices me. - Sweetly would be better not as an adverb

A smirk then appeared on that enchanting face,

he then walked away--vanishing from sight,



Good Poem
Keep Writing
262
262
Review of The Skirt  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review connected with -
FORUM
It's In The Mail! ~ Closed!  (E)
An Auction to raise funds for RAOK and Angel Upgrades!
#1516836 by Mara ♣ McBain



Initial Reaction:

This is great. I enjoyed reading the story. Though, we have a catholic school in my old town in utah and their skirts aren't very short. I've seen a few of the girls come into the coffeeshop with their school uniform on.

Character Development:

I like the development of the character from the beginning until the end.


Ending:

Great ending. It's very nice and the long skirt is unexpected.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions. Good job.
263
263
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review connected with -
FORUM
It's In The Mail! ~ Closed!  (E)
An Auction to raise funds for RAOK and Angel Upgrades!
#1516836 by Mara ♣ McBain



Initial Reaction:

Very nice and touching story. I liked it. The first part was interesting to read and realistic. Gave a good description of a character without that character actually being there. Very nice.


Character Development:

Nice job with both the main and secondary characters. The dialogue was believable and easy to understand. All of the characters had interesting acts to them and enough detail for such a short piece.


Ending:

Wonderful ending. Not completely unexpected but also a nice surprise. Very touching and well done.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

no suggestions
264
264
Review of Morgana's Colors  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review associated with
FORUM
It's In The Mail! ~ Closed!  (E)
An Auction to raise funds for RAOK and Angel Upgrades!
#1516836 by Mara ♣ McBain



Title:

The title is very fitting to the little story. Nice and simple.

Initial Reaction:

Such a sad story but very well written. I like the use of color in the three paragraphs. Well done. And even though I don't often like colored text, this time it works well.


Character Development:

Such a sad character. I can really connect and have empathy towards Morgana. Seeing the things that she goes through and how that would cause the ending to occur. So sad.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I have one minor suggestion.

You know…when they are absolutely, positively, sure.
I can tell what you were going for but the adverbs make the sentence a little weak. I think that it would have more of a punch if you did the same as the other two lines.

Nice Story.
265
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Review of Katherine  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review connected with -
FORUM
It's In The Mail! ~ Closed!  (E)
An Auction to raise funds for RAOK and Angel Upgrades!
#1516836 by Mara ♣ McBain


Title:

A dedication to a friend, wonderful. Name is a great title since it also is used down the poem as the first letter for each line.


Comments:

This is a very nice poem written for one of your friends. I hope that Katherine enjoyed the lovely dedication to her. Sweet.


Form:

Acrostic- the letter of each line forms a word, the title. Followed it well, no error there.


Favorite Part:

An angel most kind with flaws so bare
Testing the waters of courage and faith


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions.

Nice Poem.
266
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Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Title:

Nice title and well fitting.


Comments:

This is another great poem. It reminds me of some other types I've read over the past couple of months. The topic isn't overly common but there are some of similar topics out there. It's interesting and I like how you laid it out.



Favorite Part:

Ambien dreams help me
soar through the night.
Trouble free thoughts
keeping me from fright.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

One minor suggestion:

Dreamlessly moving - this line is the weakest of all the lines. The adverb, dreamlessly, makes it so compared to the rest of the poem. Consider changing the line to "dreamless movement". Just a suggestion.



Nice Poem
Keep Writing
267
267
Review of Looking Up  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

This is another very simple poem. It kind of reminds me dr. seuss. I would not like it here, i would not like it there, i would not like it anywhere. *giggles*


Form:

Another scrapbook poem.... so curious as to what that means. I'd comment on how well you followed the format but don't know it. lol

Favorite Part:

Nobody is here
Nobody is there
Nobody is anywhere


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions. See you are a poet. *Wink*
268
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Review of You and Me  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

Short and simple. This is a really great poem. It doesn't put too many words in an attempt to sound poetic, which some poems unfortunately do. Nice job with this one as I enjoyed reading it.


Form:

This form is intriguing. I really want to know what a scrapbook poem is now. May have to look it up or you'll have to explain it to me.


Favorite Part:

You and Me
The look of the eyes.
The fall of the hair.
The shape of the face


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions. This looks perfect to me.


Great Job.
269
269
Review of In it's place  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

This poem is very different. It is a nice read and something that deals with emotions others would understand. The form is simple and not too fancy.


Form:

I've never heard of a scrapbook poem. Different.


Favorite Part:

Where the line crosses:
between truth and fiction.
Worldwide expectations.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I checked in the dictionary, I don't think "holehearted" is a word.
Try:
wholehearted - showing or characterized by complete sincerity and commitment .



Nice Poem.
270
270
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Title:

One of the longest titles I've seen for a poem. But it works in this case. I almost want the first part to be "silence is never silent" but then again I like it how it is now.


Comments:

This is awesome! Honestly. It's kind of funky, very different and I love it.


Form:

I had never heard of a found language poem before but it seems very interesting. I might have to give it a try some day. It's different and you seem to enjoy the form based on this great poem you created using it.


Favorite Part:

Humiliation comes from walking backwards
down the wrong hallway, day in and day out.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

None. *Heart*
271
271
Review of Best Friends  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Initial Reaction:

This is interesting and I think with some development it could be a great piece of flash fiction. Keeping it short adds to the impact. The first person point of view is good, interesting and will keep the reader's attention. The topic is good and something that could be punched up a bit. I like the description "stop nagging me" that is amusing enough to bring attention to it with the contrast of the title.

The story has a taste of truth to it in a way that others will be able to relate.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

My main suggestion is to add some space. Right now it is a block of text and that makes it difficult to read. It bothers the eyes a little bit and will make readers less interested. Here is an example using the beginning.


The frigid air had cleared my hearing. I slowly marched through the crisp, frozen snow. Each step echoed through the leafless grey trunks. Their northwest side had a crust of snow, and the trees had no tops.

When I looked up, all I could see were fat lazy snowflakes taking their time getting to their graves. Each flake was hemmed in pure darkness.

I could hear rabbits dashing through the bare bushes snapping small twigs in their haste. A small smile came to my frozen face when I reached my destination.

I was a thirteen-year-old boy on a mission. My whole day was planned and revolved around this one moment.I had my father drive my snow shovel and me into town.


Do you see how it breaks things up a bit. This was just me guessing where a slight pause would be good. Remember to have paragraphs at different lengths as variety helps make it interesting and not monotonous.


Keep Writing.
272
272
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

This is a cute little poem. I enjoyed reading it. The tone and purpose is simple and the message comes across easily. Doesn't seem too forced either.


Form:

No specific form that I know of. Not consistent in stanza structure.


Imagery:

Flowers usually make for good images. I like how it's a specific flower and not just generalized. The tulip is a great choice and a good image for the poem.


Favorite Part:

A woman and her daughter
Stared with mild dismay
Til the beauty of each tulip
Washed their frowns away


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Just my suggestions, nothing more.

I would recommend adding another line to the first stanza. It looks a little odd that the stanza is three lines where as all the others are four.

The punctuation at the very end is a little bit of a surprise. There isn't much else except some commas in the way of punctuation. That makes the exclamation seems a tad bit out of place.


nice poem
keep writing
273
273
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

The title gives a little too much away. It is nice but more of a description as opposed to an actual title.

Initial Reaction:

Wonderful. This is a great V-Day gift. The descriptions were beautifully written and I could almost taste the chocolate with the main character. Loved this story.


Character Development:

The main character was interesting and fun to read about as she explored the chocolates given to her. Well developed without forcing descriptions and character information. Someone that the reader can relate to on this chocolate driven holiday. Great job.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:

The only suggestion I have is that there seems to be a fair number of adverbs. It would be even better if half of them were converted to stronger words/sentences.

Either way it is an excellent piece of writing.

Great Job
Keep Writing
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Review of The Bitter Rose  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

Nice title. It is beautiful without being over the top. The description helps as well.


Comments:

This was a different read. It had the semblence of the higher level type of poetry that some can write well and others cannot. Very interesting use of language.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

Follows a simple rhyme scheme. They all seem to work, at least from my viewpoint.


Imagery:

I love the imagery of the last stanza. The use of colors in the line and the other word choices are wonderful. It makes the poem enjoyable to read.


Favorite Part:

A beauty born of May’s new prime
In fields of Nature’s green sublime
Red face to greet blue’s morning light
Green leaves to catch Spring’s soft moonlight.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

The second and last stanza are the strongest of the poems, at least in my opinion. They are different in the language used than the other stanzas. It might be helpful to make it a little more uniform in that context. Not that there is anything wrong with the other stanzas, they just don't have the beautiful images of the second and last ones.


Nice Poem
Keep Writing
275
275
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

The concept is very nice. Colors have many different interpretations to them and the connection with emotions is one of the better ones. It's nice to see someone else using color in poetry.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

The rhymes are a little bit obvious, like the first two lines. But that works. Not all of poetry has to be the high brow, wonder type of rhyme schemes to be effective. It's simple and works.


Imagery:

The colors add to the images from the lines. Nice work.


Favorite Part:

Or the bright sun
To make the grass you run


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

To release plum from cage

This line is a little confusing. I try to visualize it and the images is kind of funny but not quite what I think you were going for.


Nice Poem
Keep Writing.
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