Hi. I came to this item quite by chance when I was editing one of my sports-based pieces and saw your item in the "Related items" link at the bottom.
Let me begin by saying that I am convinced that you play good football or else it would not have been visibly perfect contentwise. The story is quite okay and you have made a real effort to be sincere and accurate in telling us about how football is played and scored.
So, why the low rating?
It's because of many reasons:
a) What is the purpose of Lewis' family in the story? They seem to just pop in at the end of each day and his mom is so... sweet and his sister so sarcastic. Why is she so sarcastic to her younger brother?
b) The action scenes are sometimes too detailed. That would be okay if this was a primer on football, but since it is a story, it does not make sense to list all the boys' names, and to keep bombarding the reader with so much detail on what happened to the ball in each game.
c) Every story, they say, must have highs and lows - areas where the reader wants to know if the hero will win or not at the end. Areas where there is suspense on what will happen next. And so on. Unfortunately, your story has no downs at all for Lewis, except for the two boys who beat him up in the beginning. Conflict and resolution of the same must be given priority.
d) Spelling errors. "becuase" at one place. "Your" instead of "you're" at one place. Some others too. Do run a spell-check and you may find more mistakes.
I think that about sums it up.
I think that you should re-write this story. Try to tighten it a bit. Remove unnecessary details. See if you can bring up some conflict. Remove the home details which are useless anyway.
What a nice, imaginative title you have given to this poem!
Thanks ever so much for highlighting it in the Poetry NL. I think this balladesque story was very beautiful and the mention of the ever gallant, chivalrous knight at the end lifted this poem from the commonplace to something more precious.
This is a very evocative and nicely done verse. I enjoyed your constant linking the husband with a super-power, namely Christ. All the hearts look so pretty! The contrast between earthly and Celestial love is also brought out very nicely in the final stanza. Congratulations on being featured by RWH in the Love/Romance NL!
I was at first a little threatened by the size of your story ... over 43 KB. However, as I read it, I found it very engrossing and I was carried away as if on a wave as I read it all in one sitting!
I detected one typo: the word for the belly button is "navel" and not "naval".
Thanks for a very entertaining ... ahem ... short story. And congrats on being featured in two newsletters over the past two weeks.
You must be a very courageous person indeed to be able to pen such an honest, straightforward and awe-inspiring letter! I did not know much about CFS, but I have been researching it and it looks as if it might be that. I am, of course, referring to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is apparently a very common illness in North America and I don't know about your physicians, but it looks like this may be worth checking out with them.
Take care and write on. Please revert to me if you need any help, encouragement or information.
I must say that you wrote this with all your heart. The end-result is that this story has the ring of truth about it; truth that is all too real and very much there! Oh, the pangs of a jilted love at fifteen! I could understand, identify with, and imagine every single line here!
Congratulations on writing a very good piece of work. You do need to work on your tenses and a bit on the flow, but you will get there, I assure you.
The pain of a family loss is always so hard to take. I myself lost my mother from breast cancer when she was 38, and I, only 12 years old. So you can say that I have been there, done that. However, during my professional career as a pediatrician, I have seen so many deaths that it is only when I am alone and brooding, or reading pieces such as yours, or writing items like "With a Cherry on the top" (It is within my portfolio, do read it), that tears flow unabashedly at the loss of God's own creation in His own Image.
I did spot a few typos (at one place, you have written "then" instead of "than", the comparative, for example), but that does not take away anything from the merit of this item.
The only reason for not rating this a 4.5 is because the end was a bit ... er ...anticlimactic. It could have been more motive. Or perhaps, and this is only my opinion, you could have ended this at the end of Nat's father's speech.
I am still ROTFL!~ What a fantastic dinner that must have been for you and your in-laws! How did hubby dear take it? Now, now, don't tell me this is a fictional story ... ha ha!
Er... by the way, I have never eaten a turkey. Is it THAT easy to cook and that delicious to eat?
Wonderful sequel! I loved the whole thing from start to finish. Not a single stray thought or word, excellent spellings and perfect grammar mark this work. I ask all who read this review on the "Reviewing page" to click on this name and read this item:
Hellooo ... I am reviewing you for the first time. I came to this item through the Port Raid that I am conducting on the port of Scottiegazelle, and am I glad I did! What a marvellous and hilarious tale you have spun for all of us! Noodle! This is great stuff! How did the idea happen to you? I will now be reading SG's sequel, and I am sure she will have a very pleasant surprise waiting for me.
Your kaliedoscope of stories is so beautiful and "interesting" to look through, I am glad I took part in the Port Raid! I think each story to be the best in your port and then up comes a better one! How do you manage to write so much and so well too, in spite of your so many offsite commitments? I am amazed at your work and its calibre.
Thanks for sharing the American vignettes with us.
What a great way to share happiness and goodwill on this site! I was pleasantly surprised to get your Account Birthday images and wishes and am thankful to you for the same.
It looks as if this is one of the busiest items on WDC, not counting the Technical and General Support forums.
You made me cry, really! This was such a beautiful story of having faith in the Almighty. You call Him God, I call Him Allah, what does it matter?
I did not rate you a 5.0 since there were some grammatical errors here, and also because there was one big lacuna in the story: what made your father change his mind? You must have an inkling of this? Do try and include that too, or mention at least that you don't know why he did so.
This is a lovely feedback of the Convention. Almost all the others I read so far had so many details and so little of personal experience. You turned that around by being very first-person about it all. I liked your admitting that you are a shy person, and how you overcame your internal demons and went out and had fun!
This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor in which you are participating. Thank you for the same. Please bear with me as I delve into this item and read it carefully:
Hmmm ... Bravo! This is a very, very well-written item indeed. I think you have nicely blended the distant past with the issues relating to the present. Your lists of past writings, your inspirations, the kinds of authors you have read and the music you listen to are evidence of your immense talent and reach!
Few members of this site have an item such as yours, and I commend you for the same, as you have gone way back into your past and recounted your problems and your experiences with us.
It was a pleasure to come across your poem in Slam 2005. This is a good take on the tsunami and you have used the prompt excellently. Good luck and hope you win this round.
The only sentence that seemed a bit abstruse was: "I could feel the synchronicity". What are you talking about here?
What a deeply spiritual item this is! I read your bio and it appears that you practice the Christian faith in Malta.
The opening lines are simple and yet, deeply moving. You write about the love that flows from His heart to all of humanity, and this is what makes this poem/song different from the hundreds of others on this site.
In the Refrain, first stanza, you have ended both the 2nd and the 4th lines with the same word. Do try and modify that if possible. In the 6th line of the refrain, you have made a typo error, so please rectify that too.
The final 4 lines are written with inversion, so that the meaning is not clear. Are you saying you want to kneel before Him or questioning yourself if you will do those things or not?
There were no other mistakes or typos here. The 4.5 rating from me is wholly justified!
I am reviewing you as part of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor .
Please don't mind my telling you this, but you are a very accomplished poet! I know that the verses that are displayed here are emerging not from your mind but from your pained and anguished heart. That is why it is so beautiful!
All along, I thought the mother had been unjust to you and your sister, but your last few lines showed her in an infinitely benevolent light.
This is a wonderful call center. All the people who come in and visit it ... don't they disturb the CEO-cum-operator-cum-janitor-cum-receptionist-cum- oh dash it, you know what I am saying! I thank you for inviting me inside. I have gone in and posted ... I hope you don't mind my posting the same item that you reviewed for me.
Take care, and tell me, are you studying to be a science professor? Why the specialised username?
This seems to be a great idea for a contest. I liked the name of the contest too. It is very catchy and attractive for all! I have sent you a message to allow me to join in the forum itself. Do count me in. And here's hoping we get to see really great entries!
I must say this is a nice spiritually uplifting poem! By the way, how was the Convention? Did you have a great time?
** Image ID #872157 Unavailable **
In the above poem, you have, very effectively - I must admit, shown to the lay people that Death is not something to be feared; in fact, it should be seen as the ONLY path to meet with our Maker and to eternal salvation ... meditation, yoga, TM etc. be damned.
I also admire that you wrote about such a heavy subject in simple to understand, short and sweet lines.
I felt, perhaps, that "On" this earthly walk looked better than "In" the earthly walk in line 2, but please don't mind me, as I think that is only my viewpoint.
Hi! I am Taher and you are being raided by the Convention Pirates!
This beautiful poem on butterflies is a reminder to all of us to occasionally stop, think and desist from a rigid lifestyle and meander, albeit purposefully (but seemingly not) through life. We must seek out our simple and glorious pleasures continually if we are to redeem ourselves as humans - the race with superior intelligence.
I liked that line a lot ..."Living for sunlight" ... however, with us humans, we must look out for darkness too since we are responsible to our families and our near and dear ones too!
I must say you have the most fertile imagination. You have used the prompt very intelligently and written a brilliant story on it. Your use of the words to denote the extra ... ahem ... tissue on the body is very funny indeed. Ha ha ha, I cannot stop laughing, because I, too, am a bit on the same side, though not all that much!
Keep entertaining us as much as you can and we will come and read your items and praise you!
I have always fancied reading your work, and the 2005 Port Raid finally gave me the chance to get into your Port once again and sample some delights.
Frankly, I am not disappointed at all. If this is the standard of your writing when you write for Writer's Cramp, I think your other, well-thoughtout work must be stupendous!
I did not find anything here that I would like to suggest/change/erase. It is good. Giving chipmunks/squirrels human qualities like this ... er ... have you, in fact, ever seen a heart-shaped acorn? I think that perhaps you may have, and that may have given you this idea. Or maybe ... you have a tree in your back-yard and you have been observing those animals closely.
Whatever! This is a nice, balanced piece of writing and I commend you on it.
Do share your convention experiences with us!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/drtaher/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.17 seconds at 4:07am on Jul 12, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Bravo! This is a very, very well-written item indeed. I think you have nicely blended the distant past with the issues relating to the present. Your lists of past writings, your inspirations, the kinds of authors you have read and the music you listen to are evidence of your immense talent and reach!