I enjoyed reading this lovely tale of courage and heroism that featured in the Newsletter for Authors. Congratulations on a good story. There was just one typo - an apostrophe that should not have been there. I am sure you can find it. It's somewhere in the middle of the story.
I do not suffer from insanity. I positively enjoy every moment living it!
P.S. Rather than qualifying the last paragraph as an "After thought", why not call it "Author's note"? "Afterthought" sounds inappropriate for a factual statement.
The story moved quite well, I must say! You are a gifted writer, and most of the dialogues between the two main "actors" were lively and fun to read. The story and its pathos was actually quite clear to me almost within ten lines, since you gave a very apt 90-character descriptor at the top of the item.
Congratulations on a lovely story, well told.
-Taher
P.S. As a doctor, I felt that if the person has multiple ankle fractures, he would have been unable to walk for several weeks ... so perhaps you need to tone down the injury a bit to make the story perfect from the medical angle.
Hello again. I have participated in the Box from time to time and felt that I must join issue with you on one particular point re. this item.
It is this: You have stated that "Not all suggestion will be responded to by the Staff". I think this is unfair to the members who, inspite of other things they may want to do on wdc or elsewhere on the net, are visiting this box only to share their intelectual input with you all free-of-cost. I agree that not all ideas are good/implementable or correct - but I still feel that either you, the SM or one of the moderators MUST at least send a reply to every poster on this very forum - with a copy to the member's e-mail id on wdc. If the reply is to be private, then a private e-mail to the person's id on wdc might also be all right.
Thank you for sharing this lovely romantic tale with us. I enjoyed your metaphor as much as the actual story which, on the whole, has been written well. I did find a few oddities and errors, which I am going to list here:
She began walking to me ... walking toward me is correct.
she carried the beauty of a goddess and the grace of any queen
Thank you{add a comma here -drtaher) my lord," she said.
I wasted away the days dreaming of what should not be.... why "wasted away"? You leave the readers confused. I think "whiled away" sounds better and is probably what might be more suitable.
I love you totoo Chakara," she said.
We stood there in the dancing field, our love now stronger than ever(add a comma here) and kissed.
You never explained why the girl comes only every fourth day.
Fantastic work! I congratulate you on the books that you have already published. This introduction is good too, and I won't hesitate to say that your writing is crisp, very fast-paced and full of action and suspense. I loved the entire chapter that I read on the website.
Brilliant piece, Marilyn. I am sure this will dissuade me and others I know from doing this thing almost daily. You have rightly issued a warning to those who copy blatantly, not just words but also images. It pains me to know that all this has been copyrighted to someone. Even I did not know.
Taher
P.S. May I forward the link to this page to people I know and to some fora of which I am a member?
I am doing this review as a part of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . Please bear with this lengthy review. It was a pleasure to read this item, which, in fact, was a bit sad and too realistic for my taste. There were no typos or major errors (thank God) but I did find a very few minor things that you might like to change:
Double spacing of lines at two places without an obvious separation of text into different parts or new sections.
Didn’t feel like her ribs were broken, and she wouldn’t have to come up with any excuses since there were no visible bruises. ... sentence must begin with "It".
The last time she had tried to leave, she had wound up in the hospital with a concussion and a broken arm.
One last point: I was honestly unable to appreciate why you ended the piece with the sentence, "The coffee was cold".
A true expert or exponent of a particular art not only knows how to do something, but is able to teach others to do it as well. As far as this item is concerned, I must say that you have taught it beautifully to all on this site. I think that the link in the line "In Blinky's Portfolio ... Invalid item" has expired, and you may remove the link altogether.
It seems to me that you are now a seasoned English Ghazal writer and are able to observe both the radeef and the kaafiyah, as in this case. The theme of a suicidal person awaiting death and trying to justify his desire to die is not new; however, the rendition in a ghazal form is. For that, I must congratulate you.
What a wonderful message you have given to the people on Christmas this year. I am sure that those who read it will learn a thing or two and spend a little less ostentatiously this year. The true spirit of Christmas has indeed been forgotten as people have become crazy consumers for whom there is no end to fancy and useless shopping.
Strength of purpose drove her down hallways to search for a non-existent nemesis! I liked the turn of idea leading to an unexpected adversary. Keep it up and continue writing! Perhaps the flow of this poem needs a little more attention and revision.
Idiots and fools often sacrifice others before making that obvious mistake that will cause their own demise. You have, quite graphically, described that very same thing. I congratulate you on the beautiful imagery and great work.
A few suggestions:
In the following lines, there are a few errors. Please, please review and rectify:
The rapids carved the soil from its roots and sent it collapsing to the ground with a mighty crash;comma echoing through the ages.
Lovely example of the play of thoughts inside a young woman's mind. I have no doubt that even if she lives for another 200 years, she will keep thinking about that man. Elephants and women - rarely forget!
A few errors:
Why did all these emotions just bouncingbounce inside her for an outlet to get out? And what effect it was it to have on her seemingly perfect life?
It was that yearning, that sheer will of holding his face that gave her the strength to go on.
This item has, in a most clear way, described the way to review and read others' items at wdc. I am trying my level best to evolve a format for reviewing, but I am unable to do so because subjectivity comes in the way. Having read this item, I have resolved to soon outline my reviewing strategy. I thank you for this exposition.
Your use of the picture as a prompt and the poem you have written is indeed deserving of the first prize. Congratulations.
The uniqueness of your poem was to use the father's point of view while reading the prompt. I don't think anyone else did that. Very nice and totally believable.
In this festive season, I have been enjoying Christmas stories and poems, so the thought came to me to look for a storoem in your port ... and I was not disappointed to see that there is something here that I can read without fear of having to look for errors and enjoy and review at peace. Wonderful work, please accept my compliments.
This is a promising beginning and I will certainly comeback for more.
I have scanned the piece for errors and will list them out for you:
Brunette = uncapitalise
I am neither young nor particularly attractive
An old failed musiciancommaI think Stevecomma I think comma started this thing just to maintain some connection to his youth
my Godcomma everything about her.
the greatest thing about this job is it’s remove the apostropheproximity to
anymore = two words
ad guilt = and guilt
Her to her car, and me to mine. She to her car, and I to mine
keeps my me clean and sober
and I’ve even taking taken a liking to waking up before noon
I have too much at stake and just like every other time I’ve had a lot at stake I am being paranoid that it will all go to hell. = break up into two sentences.
This is a very uplifting prayer and as it is directed at us, I must thank you on behalf of all the readers for wishing such nice things for all of us. In return, I am sure the other readers will join me in wishing you a happy and contented life, free from avarice, poverty, ill-health, loneliness and boredom.
I think your way of writing, that is, from the heart, is the best way to write. At the same time, I think this piece needs some revision. I will take just one paragraph from your item and show you what needs to be done as an example:
“This must be a poor neighborhood, - I figure out, succumbing to the dark socio-cultural stereotypes lurking in my psyche, - with all the fishermen on the peer Hispanic, and all the mothers on the beach overweight.”
-This looks like a thought dialogue. The comma and the dash both serve to enclose a new thought within a larger one, so I think one of these has to go. Here, look at this:
This must be a poor neighborhood, I figure out, succumbing to the dark socio-cultural stereotypes lurking in my psyche, with all the fishermen on the peerpier Hispanic, and all the mothers on the beach overweight.
Don't you think that looks a bit better?
You have mentioned soimething about a fish rising from the water and going back in. Well, the fish is a neutral gender object, so replace the "he" and "him" with "it".
Congratulations on having twins! I can feel your excitement, your pain and your pleasure even as I read this small but upbeat item. You need to replace those numbers with spellings of "two", "three" or "four" as the case may be. It will make the writing look neater and smoother to the reader.
I am reading this poem and am finding it quite good. I think the girl is now a slave to him, regardless of his loyalties and unmindful of the reality which she already understands. There were a few spelling errors, which I will request you to correct:
begine ... should be without the "e"
it's ... should be its.
Thanks for sharing an intimate bedroom encounter!
Taher
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She began walking to me ... walking toward me is correct.
Double spacing of lines at two places without an obvious separation of text into different parts or new sections.
Brunette = uncapitalise
Princess didn’t take to anyone else but my boyfriend and I. ... "me" will be the right pronoun for the narrator in this sentence.