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 |   Exploring the future through the present. One day at a time. |
| One of the most insulting statement a person can tell a teenage girl is: “You are exactly like your mother!” Them’s fightin’ words! Even when I gave up the fight and acknowledged the truth, I wasn’t happy about it. I thought, “I don’t want to be like my mom! She’s weird!” I know that sounds cruel, but teenagers more often than not can be. Nowadays, though I’m not entirely happy I’m so much like my mom, I’ve embraced my inherited weirdness. It’s made my life easier, and for those around me, a little more interesting; they have one more thing to point and laugh at, and laughter is always a good thing. I’ve let go of enough of my pride (though not all by a long shot), I don’t mind people laughing at my expense. I’ve even been known to do silly things on purpose to encourage it. About 4 or 5 months ago, I asked my mom about her pregnancies, such as if my sister or me moved around a lot, morning sickness, et al. As for the morning sickness, she had the nausea, but very little puking. Add that to the growing list of why I am grateful to be like my mom! I haven’t hurled in over two weeks, and today is the second day in a row where my stomach is mostly quiet. From the stories you’ve told me, as well as others I know, I will not complain about my gurgling and uncomfortable tummy. Dang have I had it easy! I’m not surprised my morning sickness hasn’t been difficult. I’ve read that girls often take after their moms when it comes to pregnancy and birth. If a mom had bad morning sickness, so will her daughters, etc. Which is why I’m hoping even more I take after my mom. For my sister (two years older than me), Mom was in labor for – are you sitting down? – a whopping 20 minutes. For me, she didn’t even go into labor. I popped out in the hallway of the hospital. The doctor barely made it to catch me. To express my gratitude, I peed all over him. |
| Something ain't right here. I'm 37 and having growing pains! That's right, sometimes I move funny, or I sneeze hard and it feels like my abdomen wants to tear away. There are sharp little pains in other areas, but I won't discuss those. I don't want to embarrass anyone (me especially). I did read, however, those sharp pains are a normal part of the uterus expanding and trying to make room for itself. If I look close, I'm showing a bit. I feel it especially today. My stomach feels hard and a little stretched like I swallowed a grapefruit whole (and my stomach decided to drop 6 inches). I realized I can now look forward to the inevitable stretch marks. But, there's a lot of creams and such that can help with that. Also, the first thing I do when I get home now is change into my elastic-waisted jammies. Talk about relief! My pants aren't tight yet, but the little one likes the extra space I guess. One week from tomorrow I go in for another check-up, and they will look for the baby's heartbeat. I'm excited for that, let me tell ya! I found a website called Visible Embryo ( http://www.visembryo.com/baby/index.html ). According to the site (and other things I've read), the baby has developed thusly (at 10 weeks): SIZE: The crown-to-rump length of the growing fetus is about 1.25 to 1.68 inches (31 to 42mm). Head and Neck Basic brain structure of the fetus is complete and now the brain mass rapidly increases. Sockets for all twenty teeth are formed in the gum lines. Face has human appearance - one example is the nasolacrimal grooveforming on the upper lip. Separate folds of the mouth fuse together forming the palate. Early facial hair follicles begin to develop. Thorax Vocal cords form in larynx and fetus can make sounds. Abdomen Intestines have migrated into abdomen from the umbilical cord. Digestive tract muscles are functional and practice contraction. Nutrient-extracting villi line the now folded intestines. The liver starts to secrete bile, a thick, brown-green liquid containing bile salts, bile pigments, cholesterol and inorganic salts. The bile is stored in the gall bladder. Development of thyroid and pancreas are complete. Pancreas starts to produce insulin. Pelvis Genitalia begin to show female characteristics (labium minus, urogenital groove, labium majoris) and male characteristics (glans penis, urethral groove, scrotum). Neither male nor female genitalia are fully formed. Limbs Fingernails begin to grow from nail beds. Skin Fetus develops reflexes and the skin is very sensitive. How cool is that? |
| How easy I could weave words on a page. It didn’t start out that way. My first efforts were dreadful. Writing took practice - much practice - and many tears along the way. Have all the years of work been worth it? Absolutely. But, there are times when dreams must be reevaluated. I used to think I would publish a slew of novels someday, but now I’m not so certain. In reading current authors’ and publishers’ advice, I have a glimpse of the work it takes - even for those wanting to publish through traditional methods. It’s a catch-22: I need to have a name (or a brand) before anyone will notice me, but how do I go about that when I have nothing to show for it but one complete novel worth showing off, even if it does have a potential for at least two trilogies and two prologues? Sure I have articles and short stories, but those aren’t in the genre I want to write in. It’s possible. Many have done it. My problem is I have neither the imagination or motivation to find a way. I am not a self-motivator. I need people to push me, and I don’t have that right now. Then again, I’m not asking for help either, so who’s fault is it? Mine, and mine alone. Makes me consider giving up in all honesty. And with this new change in my life I may not have the time to write more, let alone market what I already have. I said before by not submitting my writing I’m not using God’s gift to its full potential, and therefore am disobeying him. But what if God’s intent was completely different? What if he wanted me to write so I will grow closer to him and for no other reason? Some dreams take a different path. Others must be left behind to make room for new ones. I can’t help but wonder if writing is one I need to leave behind. I want to stress something before I end this. I am exploring my thoughts in search of clarity, nothing more. You may at this moment try to talk me out of giving up on writing. Understand I’m not giving up as yet. However, as life changes and takes unexpected turns, I have to consider all possibilities. If I don’t, and my dreams get shattered to the point I have no choice but to quit, that’s the real tragedy. Then I will spend the rest of my days regretting, and even begrudging God for stealing my dreams away. If I know beforehand they must be left behind for something better, then there’s no room for regret, or for being angry at God. I will still look forward to tomorrow, and not constantly wishing things hadn’t changed. |
| Yesterday after I wrote my entry a small voice whispered, “Think on these things” again and again. I knew it came from a Bible passage, so I looked it up (plus the voice wouldn’t shut up until I did). The King James version of Phillipians 4:8 reads: “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” The one thing I love about http://www.bible.com is that I can look up specific passages, search for words and phrases, as well as read in multiple translations. I took this verse and looked up the entire chapter in the New Living Translation (my current favorite). I want to highlight verses 4-8: “Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Quite a difference in verse 8 as far as how it’s written from the two translations, huh? Still, the meaning is the same. But, that’s a bit off subject. It’s also quite similar to what the rest of you have commented. Correct me if I’m wrong, but considering my recent ‘downer’ entries, do you suppose God’s trying to tell me something, both through you and this passage? Hmm? I just read an entry from my previous journal where I wrote, “God will use any and all methods to get our attention.” He will also do it over, and over, and over, and over again until I get it. I’m kinda slow that way, but I’m also kinda human that way. How many of us ‘get’ God’s messages the first time around - at least consistently? That he never gives up says a lot about how much he cherishes us. How’s that for one more positive thing to think about? |
| One thing about avoiding my computer is it’s given me a lot of time to think. Too much time, probably. I admit to being a little depressed. Part of it is due to being wore out all the time. I’ve also lost interest in a few things that mattered most to me; that includes writing, but more importantly I haven’t been spending any time talking to God. At the same time, I feel him close, but content to remain as silent as I am. I think he knows I need the rest. Still, it’s sad I haven’t picked up my Bible in about three weeks, not once. We have one more lesson for Disciple, but it’s been on hold that long, because with it being our last, our pastor needs to be there. Ha! As busy as he is, I don’t anticipate that happening any time soon. In fact, I’m frustrated to the point I recommended we ask our other pastor to attend instead. So far no word on either of them. I know every soon-to-be parent goes through darker periods, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me. I can’t help wondering, being as old as I am, if I am so set in my ways, will I resent the child’s constant needs, and in the end regretful? Dave and I talked about it yesterday, and he agreed there will be moments like that. He said also those moments will be few and far between, because the blessings will far outweigh them. I know he’s right, but when I’m tired and frustrated like this, it’s hard to turn away from the shadows and focus on the light instead. A lot of this moodiness I attribute to hormones, and therefore not to be taken all that seriously. I honestly don’t, but at the same time hate getting through it. I’m used to being more joyful and optimistic, and miss that part of me right now. How spoiled I am! I thought about how back a hundred years and earlier, and even today in nations not as well off as the US, women worked in fields, and other physically demanding jobs up until they gave birth, and even soon after that, continued on. They had to because they didn’t - and many still don’t - have a choice. And here I’m whining about being tired and moody. I need to toughen up. However, that I can complain about the little things shows just how good everything is. See what I mean about thinking too much? My biggest hope right now - at least as far as this journal is concerned - is I’ll be able to write about other - and more positive - things soon. My apologies if I’m boring you stupid. Then again, I don’t want to be bored stupid alone  . |
| Since it's been nearly a week since my last entry, I'd better write something. How quickly a habit can be broken! I used to be so good about writing an entry almost every day, now here I am barely eeking out an entry once or twice a week. Even worse, I have no wherewithal to visit yours. I hope you don't take it personal, because my silence has to do with no desire to sit in front of my computer for any amount of time. I do enough of that at work. By the time I get home, I glance at my computer and think, "Yuck." Even tackling the novel I talked about in my last entry hasn't happened, and all because I don't want to use my computer to do it. How strange is that? All I've accomplished in the last week is nearly complete a 800-page novel (Firestar by Michael Flynn). I should finish it tonight. Since I haven't read many books lately, at least I'm accomplishing something. And I've been staring at this ever-patient - if ever-annoying - blinking cursor for two minutes now, so I'd best end it here. Have a great Tuesday! |
| Last night Dave and I had supper with my mom. She made her delectable chicken curry as payment for Dave moving some dirt and rocks for her. I also learned no matter how old we get, we can’t fool Mom. She knew something was up with me; she kept asking if I was feeling okay. I kept my mouth shut, though it was difficult. Dave and I decided afterward when Tom (my step dad) returns from working in Fort Collins in the next week or two, we’ll tell them the news. Since we spent most of the evening outside, my allergies decided to kick my butt. This morning, they’re not much better. I can take either Benedryl or Sudafed, but I don’t like take any medication unless I absolutely have to. Allergy pills especially make me either hyper or woozy. I’d rather sneeze my lungs through my nostrils. So with stuffy and itchy nose, swollen eyeballs, and slight sinus headache, I considered staying in bed. Allergies on top of morning sickness did not sound like a fun way to spend the day. But, spending it in bed feeling sorry for myself held even less appeal, so I dragged my allergy-kicked-butt out of bed and to work. To my surprise and elation, my stomach decided to give me a break today. Yea! I get an occasional twinge, but I can handle that without (much) complaining. If I have a choice now between allergies and a rebellious stomach, I’ll take the allergies. I know this doesn’t mean the nausea won’t return; that this could be a momentary reprieve. I decided to live - and bask - in the moment instead of worrying about it. A few of my brain cells also decided to wake up, so I want to take advantage of it while it lasts. After reading Randy Ingermanson’s latest blog entry ( http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/ ) about why he tossed out his first novel, I decided I need to revisit my 2005 Nano novel. My writer’s group critiqued the first three chapters a few months ago. I should go through their suggestions, and have them take another peek at it for the next meeting. Hopefully my revived brain cells can handle it. |
| A must-see video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ervaMPt4Ha0 What makes it even more remarkable is it was created by a 15 year old girl. Chris Wallace from "Fox News Sunday" was so impressed by her and the video, he made her Power Player of the Week yesterday. Be sure to have tissues on hand when you watch it. Change 'o subject: I'll try to start catching up with you this week. I sure do miss you. Happy Monday! |
| Good morning! Just a quick note to let you know I'm still - well if not kicking, moving around of my own free will. I haven't been around because my brain seems to have gone into some kind of - see I can't even think of the word! Gimme a sec, here . . . Hibernation!!! That's it! Sheesh. If I continue to not be around, consider it no news is good news. Had my first doctor's visit yesterday, and everything's peachy so far. They also gave me tons of information full of 'thou-shalts' and 'thou-shalt-nots' (way more of the latter, though). Good thing I already live healthy (or try to anyway), otherwise these next seven months will get super boring! (Yeah, right). The funny part is, some of the recommendations like quitting coffee and drinking milk I had already done weeks ago. Coffee didn't make my tummy happy so I switched to tea, and milk suddenly became more yummy than candy. Our body knows what it's doing, and has ways of telling us what it needs without our being consciously aware of it. Kinda cool, that. I hope you have a fantastic Friday, and an equally enjoyable weekend. |
| Psst. I wrote this yesterday, but didn't have the time to add it. Yea! I just puked! At first glance you might read the above sentence as sarcasm, but I don’t mean it that way at all. In fact I’m thrilled about it. Why, you’re now asking, would I be excited over my first bout of morning sickness? Because I was afraid of it. Few things in this world I despise more than puking. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts, or how much better I feel if I allowed my body to do what it needs to do, I fight it every step of the way. I fight it harder with other people around. In fact, when the urge struck me a few minutes ago, I grabbed my car keys so I could drive home and let loose there. Until I realized I didn’t have that kind of time. What made it slightly more comforting are the walls are thick enough in the bathroom, plus a solid door, no one can hear what goes on (I can also fart with complete freedom). If they weren’t not only would I get some questions afterward, but I don’t want to gross anyone out. Now that I’ve done it once, realized my body gave me plenty of warning so I didn’t have to run to the bathroom - and I feel so much better afterward - I no longer fear it. Nor (I hope) will I fight it unless absolutely necessary - such as if I’m standing in my boss’s office, or whilst at a restaurant. That wouldn’t look good. Keeping this secret from my other friends and family gets more difficult with each passing day. Not for the congratulations, but to share one-on-one all that’s going on, especially with those who have children of their own. News and changes like what I’m now experiencing need to be shared. As strange as it may sound, but this little purge made my pregnancy a little more real. Having the symptoms is one thing, but until I either see the baby with my first ultrasound, or feel it moving, it’s still just a dream I haven’t awoken from, but expect to at any moment. |
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