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Rated: XGC · Interactive · Satire · #2229171

It all begins with a click. And then the world ends sweetly...

This choice: Cobra Commander  •  Go Back...
Chapter #7

He's Scary When He's Calm

    by: FFtheSnake Author IconMail Icon
To call this ancient temple carved into a mountain decrepit would be understating things greatly. To say that it was at the ass end of nowhere would also be an understatement. The small unit of troopers, all belonging to the international terrorist organization known as Cobra, wondered why they were there. The ones who were especially wondering were the high ranking officers, which included a Scottish laird who ran an arms supplier, a beautiful woman with black hair who was also the world's greatest spy, a mad scientist in a black cloak and purple pants, and a pair of twins in lightly armored suits, one bearing a scar.

Destro, Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins, Tomax and Xamaot, all stared at their organization's leader, the madman known as Cobra Commander. They weren't used to him being this confident, this calm. Normally, he was stomping about, screaming about the lack of progress they were making in taking over the world, none of it his own fault. It was something they were all used to. Something they all found funny. A way of making the defeats go down easier, as the Commander's histrionics were always entertaining.

But lately, he had been calm. Quiet and composed. He made ploys against G.I. Joe, the elite anti-terrorism unit created to fight them, but they felt more like distractions than anything else. He used his own funds, not drawing on the funds Cobra used to keep their operations moving, to research his little project. And now he had completed it. He had invited along his most frequent allies, the ones who worked with him the most. He wanted them to see the fruits of his labor.

A black plastic toy that had a button in the shape of a cookie on it.

"..." Baroness was the first to stop staring, removing her glasses and rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration.

"So let us get this straight," Tomax said. "You brought us out here. To the middle of nowhere."

Xamot, the scarred brother, took up where his brother left off, waving away a mosquito. "In a jungle filled with mosquitos and malaria."

"To look at something," Tomax continued.

"That you could have found," Xamot added.

"IN A MCDONALD'S HAPPY MEAL," the brothers finished in unison.

Destro decided to be diplomatic. "...Sir, perhaps you have been tricked? That someone else has already been here and stolen the actual artifact?" he suggested.

"No," Cobra Commander said, unfazed by their anger. "This is what I was supposed to find here."

Dr. Mindbender sighed. "And what, may I ask, is that supposed to be?" he asked. He was willing to accept a lot, but he did have limits.

"The key to our domination of the world... and to destroying it if need be," Cobra Commander said.

Destro rolled his eyes. "We are leaving," he said. "This is stupid. I have had more than enough..." He and the others, soldiers and officers alike, all trailed off as they turned around. The door to the temple had closed. Except there hadn't BEEN a door before. Slowly, the nervous Cobras all turned back to the Commander, who's smile was visible even through the faceless helmet he wore.

"Do you recognize these statues?" he said, gesturing around at the gathering of giant busts, each one a different platform.

"...No, Commander," Baroness said. She wanted to threaten the Commander and get him to let them go, but a sudden bout of survival instinct hitting both her and the other gathered soldiers was keeping her from drawing her weapon. "Do you?"

"It took me forever to find out their names," Cobra Commander said, starting to walk around the temple. He paused at the first bust, an image of an older man with a hand raised, looking away as if denying something. "This one is Holobore, the Spirit of Asceticism." He moved to the next, an image of a man with a wide opened mouth. "Vomitrax, the spirit of Decadence." The next bust was of a reptilian head, razor-fanged mouth open in a roar. "Godzamok, the Spirit of Ruin." The next was an almost clown-like face, sporting a long nose. "Cyclius, the Spirit of Ages." The next bust was of a plump-faced man blowing a party favor. At first glance it had looked like a tongue. "Selebrak, the Spirit of Festivities." The next was a gemstone eye inside a floating ring. "Dotjeiess, the Spirit of Creation." A sinister-looking statue was next, looking almost like a worm and a gorgon mixed together. "Skruula, the Spirit of Scorn." Next was a owl's head with two rods behind it. "Muridal, the Spirit of Labor." Next was a widely smiling cow's head, larger than all the others. For some reason, Baroness felt her breasts ache when she looked at it. "Mokalsium, the Mother Spirit." After the cow was a gear, Cobra Commander pausing. "...This one I'm not sure of the translation on. I think it's... Jarami? Jeremy? Something to that effect. This one is the Spirit of Industry." The final one was an older man with a deep from on his face. "And finally, Rigidel, the Spirit of Order."

Cobra Commander turned to the others. "This device? Its called the Cookie Clicker," he said. He waited for the snarky responses, but other than expressions of confused disbelief, they said nothing. The doors closing on them had made them cautious. He smiled at that. "These cookies that the clicker can produce, and the number WILL go up the more it is used, are delicious beyond compare. So good, they're ridiculously addictive without need of drugs or brainwashing. We can use this to enslave the world to Cobra. We just need to be careful of the hazards of using it."

"What..." Tomax asked carefully.

"...Hazards?" Xamot finished, worried.

"The workers. You'll know when you see them," Cobra Commander said. "I'll explain as things escalate. But for now, I'll do most of it on my own." He chuckled, looking up at the statues. "I wonder..." he said softly. "I wonder if past wielders of the Clicker knew what they were getting into." He held it up, as if offering it in tribute to the gathered gods. "I wonder if they've ever had someone WANT to take the risk. Who WANTED to unless the clicker's power on the world."

To the fright of the gathered Cobras save the Commander, the statues all turned to look at the Commander, their eyes glowing. Cobra Commander laughed. "That's right. I knew what I was getting into. I know about the dangers of the workers. I know what this will do to the world. And I. Don't. CARE. Either I rule, or the world dies. Nothing else is acceptable. And finally, finally, I have the means to get what I want."

The statues of the gods smiled. And the doors to the temple disappeared, the Cobras too enraptured by what they were seeing to notice.

Cobra Commander chuckled, holding out his hand. "With a single click, I seal our destiny. Let Cobra's Cookie Corner open for business."

Click.
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