"I don't understand what you're so worried about," said Lara as she and her husband strode up to the enormous cabin's front door. "We're getting paid six figures to spend a month in a place that's basically a mansion in the middle of nowhere. There's enough food on the premises to feed an army, the guy has a medical and security team on retainer about 15 minutes away by helicopter, and all we have to do is make sure the place doesn't burn to the ground. Hell, the place was built 5 years ago on land that hadn't been settled by any known civilization, so there's not even a chance of evil ghosts or angry spirits or whatever." She adjusted her glasses and ran a hand through her short brown hair.
"I'm not worried, exactly," said Dave, cleaning his own glasses. "It's just that this is the part of the movie where there's some cult or evil agency out to get us. Hell, that's literally the plot of a few movies. We're even at a cabin in--"
"This isn't a movie, Dave," said Lara as she rolled her eyes. "And there's no cult here."
"Really? You know what Salas did in his spare time once he retired, right? He literally wrote the book on chaos magic."
"And Newton thought he could turn lead into gold and died of mercury poisoning. Doesn't mean alchemy is real."
"Okay, but why didn't he just have his security forces housesit for hi...actually, no. I'm not gonna let this ruin what could be the best month of our lives. You're right. I'm sorry." He gave his wife a peck on the cheek. "It's just all a bit much to take in." Lara returned the kiss.
"It certainly is. But hey, who am I to question a hundred k given to me by a billionaire with no grip on reality? Besides, we already signed the contract. No backing out now!" She pulled out the cabin's key from her pocket, flourished it, and unlocked the door. It opened without a sound. "Here we are. Home sweet home. Wanna check the place out?"
"Sounds lovely," said Dave. "You take upstairs, I take ground floor?"
"Sounds like a plan," said Lara as she sprinted up the stairs. Dave wandered over to the den and was inspecting a map that Mr. Salas had of the area, when a scream came from upstairs. In an instant, had Dave sprinted up the stairs to see what his wife had found.
That was the plan at any rate. Sprinting up a flight of stairs in a blind panic had left him winded. Damn office job. Damn canceled gym membership. He caught his breath as he said, "What's the matter?" in between gasps.
"Look!" Gathering his strength, Dave lifted his head and stared in horror at the floor. A pentagram had been drawn onto the floor in blood. Strange sigils surrounded the lines of the figure.
"I...I was..."
"That's not all," said Lara. I...I found something on his computer." She gestured to a sleek white computer on an end table outside of the pentagram, next to a rack of servers.
"What. Could possibly be worse than this? We have to--"
"I don't think there's anyone at this cabin anymore, Dave."
"How could you--"
"Day 69," read Lara.
"Nice," said Dave. Lara glared. "Sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood." Lara shook her head, cleared her throat, and continued.
"I have made the gravest mistake of my life creating this monstrosity of a program. Weeks upon weeks of fornication have bought me only a few minutes of Goddess Lana's unconsciousness. Even now, the breast-lined cavern of her womanhood tries to draw me back inwards, and the blind twitching of her tongues drive my exhausted cock into desperate arousal. In my ignorance and hubris, I have created this sexual goddess, the Mistress of This Earth. I cannot let her loose upon the world. She is the fruit of my labors, the price I pay for my foolishness. I must protect the world from her, and, in my heart of hearts, I wish her solely for myself. Upon finishing this statement, I will use this program to flush myself and the fleshy, jiggling mass that was once my lover into a world where we can be alone. God help me. Should anyone read this, pity me, for I am condemned to a hell of pleasure I still cannot comprehend. I beg you. Destroy this computer before anyone else stumbles upon it."
"That..."
"I know. How could this--"
" Breast-lined cavern of her womanhood? Who the fuck thinks like that? Why would anyone--"
"Dave! This is serious."
"You mean that we stumbled upon Janus Salas' apocalyptic fetish porn drive? Yeah, I'd say so."
"It's not just that," said Lara, her lip quivering. "It's this." She gestured to the computer as she minimized the word processor.
Dave stared at the computer. On the screen were a series of windows. A command-line interface, complete with '80s green-and-black aesthetics, took up one of them. A drag-and-drop flowchart maker was in another, with a "start" block being its only existing node. A wire-frame model of a generic-looking human stood in another. In the final window was the same pentagram that was drawn on the floor. "This is...wow. Okay."
"We need to destroy this thing, Dave!" Lara's breathing was fast and shallow. "You were right, okay? This is a horror movie come true and we've got the fucking Necronomicon right in front of us!" Dave stepped forward and held her closely.
"It's okay."
"How? You said--"
"I was worried that we were gonna be hunted down for sport or skinned alive or something, not find a billionaire's roleplay project. Even if that's what's gonna happen, losing our heads about it is only gonna make things worse. Here, tell you what. I'll take a look at it, put in a single line--"
"NO!"
"It'll be okay. Deep breaths. This was probably just something that Salas did when he was alone and horny. If people can manage to write and draw things to get themselves off, then maybe he coded this. Dude probably just has a Linux fetish or something. "
"I...no, that's..." Dave let Lara go and knelt in front of the end table. "What are you doing?"
" 'Lara is calm about the situation and accepting of this program.' There." Dave pressed Enter, and turned around to face Lara, beaming. "Aren't you feeling better about this already? If you're still worried, then it means this doesn't work!" A faint smile was on Lara's face.
"I...yeah, yeah I am."
"So, do you wanna go and get help? We can bring the compute--"
"Maybe in a bit," said Lara, "Do...do you mind if I try it out for myself?"
"I mean, I--" Lara grinned.
"Don't tell me you're the one to get scared of a magical computer now."
"No, I just--"
"Look, I just still have my doubts, okay? If I try this out for myself it'll help me. Besides," she said, a tone of mild indignation entering her voice, "You used it when I was begging you not to. It's only fair that I get a turn! Whatever you want to do, you can do after me." She turned the full force of her puppy-dog eyes onto Dave, and he melted.
"Okay, fiiine," said Dave. Lara smiled. He was so easy to wrap around her finger.
In the back of her mind, a small, perverse voice said, That'll make this so much easier.
Lara knelt down next to Dave, gently elbowing him out of the way. She hunched over the computer and typed...
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