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 |  Breaking the laws of blogging, one entry at a time. |
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Wanted: For repeated blog faux pas, including, but not limited to: Obsessive ranting - guilty on 92 counts. Repeatedly beating a dead horse - guilty on 17 counts. Unnecessary use of curse words - guilty on 142 counts. Boring daily recounts - guilty on 45 counts. Pointless entries - guilty on 214 counts. Contradictory statements - guilty on 72 counts. Recounting toilet actions - guilty on 15 counts. Overdramatization of insignificant things - guilty on 152 counts. Overreacting to meaningless gestures - guilty on 22 counts. Unnecessary temper tantrums - guilty on 75 counts. Cruelty towards animals, superiors, peers, and inferiors - guilty on 146 counts. Repeated bad grammar, spelling, and opinionations - guilty on 214 counts. Suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Do not confront directly, instead call the authorities and slowly back away. Do not provoke suspect, as she is easy to agitate. The best action to take is to smile and nod. Any other response could lead suspect to rant and rave for days without ceasing. REWARD OFFERED FOR CAPTURE Dead or alive. Offending evidence: ![Merit Badge in Journaling
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Leading entry: "Invalid Entry"  I can't double click my mouse very well right now. I think Ethan may have broken it. It doesn't really click anymore. It just sort of smooshes. I'm talking about my real mouse, on my laptop, not my metaphorical mouse, of course. The proverbial double-click, though, that's another story. It used to be one of those unmentionable things in my house. We didn't admit that Dad looked at porn, we just shoved it back under the couch or the bed when it peeked out for the world to discover it. I shared a bedroom with my younger sister Kimberly, so it was hard to double click without her knowing. I would have to wait until she was fast asleep, her breathing was even and steady. I didn't dare verify whether or not she was asleep. That would've been stupid. "Kimberly? Kimberly?" Yeah, an easy way to find out if someone is asleep is to wake them up and ask them. Anyway, I generally don't talk about sex or sex-related things. Not because they're taboo. I just always feel like what happens in my bedroom (or living room, or bathroom or anywhere else in my house, for that matter) isn't for public consumption. It ought to be obvious that I have sex, since I have a child. It isn't so obvious that I double-click my mouse on occasion. In fact, that's how I think I finally put myself in labor. Masturbation, that is. It works great as a labor inducer. The baby feels nothing. At least, that's what my midwife said, and I believe her. Either way, if Ethan won't remember his circumcision, he won't remember waves of orgasm after orgasm in order to be born into this world. If only the actual labor felt half as good, I probably wouldn't dread going into labor again when I finally do get pregnant with our second. |
| Leading entry: "Invalid Entry" They had all kinds of interesting laws back in the old ages. I don't really know for sure, because I didn't live then, but I imagine that they would have to be, compared to some laws that are still around today. In the state of Michigan, there are numerous laws that make me scratch my head: - It is illegal to kill a dog using a decompression chamber. As opposed to with a gun, I suppose. Decompression chambers are cruel and unusual, not to mention a bit messier. - No man may seduce and corrupt an unmarried girl, or else he risks five years in prison. I suppose I could have had Jason thrown in jail that one night in September of 2001... I wonder what the statute of limitations is on this one. - The last Sunday in June of every year was named "log cabin day." Awww! Why isn't this a federal holiday? - A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. Interesting... am I allowed to cut his penis off without his permission? - You may not swear in front of women and children. Actually, I don't think this is a dumb law. What's really funny is that a man was recently put in jail for this offense. - Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony. Wow. I'll have to make sure to buy Ethan a handgun for his 12th birthday. - In Clawson Michigan: There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. But anyone else who sleeps with them is breaking the law. - In Detroit Michigan: Couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. "No nookie after the Redwings game at Joe Lewis Arena in the parking lot, honey. It'll have to wait until are parked in our driveway. Who cares if the kids can see us from their bedroom window. It's legal!" Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited. Yet, if it's your new radio, have at it! It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday. On Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, he may scowl as much as he likes, so long as he doesn't curse in front of her or their child. - In Harper Woods: It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets. You may, however, paint crows, finches, or morning doves, instead. - In Rochester: All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police. Is this while we're wearing them? Here are a few others from various states around the US: - In Illinois: You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. What good is a dollar if I can't spend it? (In Champagne) One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth. The guy two doors down from you is open for season, though! - In Florida: Unmarried couples may not commit "lewd acts" and live together in the same residence. Uh oh, GeminiStar  , consider yourself warned!If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. Those damned elephants always take all the good parking spots! Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. What the fuck? As if! I just can't live without a quill in my puss! You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM. Well, that serves to say I will never be able to visit the state of Florida without being arrested because I just cannot follow this law. In Daytona Beach: The molestation of trash cans is banned. How in the hell do you molest a trash can? In Destin: Destin states that a cat that viciously chases passers-by is a ‘bad cat’. It must wear a big red "BAD" painted across its back. In Pensacola: Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person. Boy, I thought it was bad that the $1 bill was burning a hole in my pocket! In Pensacola, I have to let the $10 bill burn a hole! A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. If it doesn't kill you to blow-dry or curl your hair in the bathtub, you're off the hook, but if it kills you, not only are you DEAD, but now you have to pay a fine. That's the hard knocks. - In California: Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Except on overcast days, then the masses receive an I.O.U. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. But if it's going 55 MPH without a driver, it's perfectly legal. Check out the dumb laws in your state, unless you live in Michigan, California, Illinois, or Florida. I've already done it for you. http://www.dumblaws.com |
| One of my local scrapbook stores is having a contest to choose their design team. Jason says I should enter. He thinks I would have a chance at winning. I feel incredibly intimidated by the idea of entering a single layout and having someone judge my skill from that one example of work. What if I don't show my versatility enough? What if I don't show how well I can use product? What if I don't correctly show my style? Do I even know what my style is? I'm also working on my entry layouts for Creating Keepsakes' Hall of Fame. I find myself intimidated there, as well. I joined a group on the scrapbook version of Writing.Com (Scrapbook.com) to help critique and prepare layouts for submission, but I still think that I won't be good enough. Then I decided to give digital scrapbooking a try yesterday, and I turned out 2 layouts in 1/2 the time it takes me to do 1. Part of this is because I have a better perspective of the overall layout digitally, and I also don't seem to need to walk away from it seven thousand times in order to get the look that I have in my head. So now I'm wondering if I should even continue to bother to paper scrapbook. I enjoy it, most of the time. Then I get frustrated because I can't make what I have in my head translate to the paper. It always looks entirely different from what I was expecting. Not that it always looks bad, because the layouts I've been working on for Hall of Fame really are my style and not me trying something new. I wish I could enter a digital layout for the design team contest, but I don't think that would be a good idea, especially since the store sells paper items. Not exactly supporting her business to submit my digital scrapbooking for her paper scrapbook store. Eh... y'all don't care, anyway. It's just scrapbooking. |
| Leading entry: "Moments" Patty cake, patty cake, Baker's man. Bake me a cake as fast as you can." He claps his hands along with me, a big smile across his face. I get to the next part: Roll it and pat it and mark it with an "e" I watch as he rolls his hands in circles, then pats his belly, then makes the hand signal for the ASL "e." The next part is his favorite, though. And put it in the oven for Ethan and me. Yay! He throws his arms up in the air, squeeling with glee! "Yaaaaaaaaaaay! Mommy! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Then, fifteen minutes later, I'm close to a nervous breakdown as he runs around the living room and kitchen, screaming at the top of his lungs. Things are crashing and bashing and the house is falling down around me. All I want to do is take a moment to myself and have a private trip to the bathroom. Private. All by myself. Is that too much to ask? "Ethan!" I shout, though the bathroom door is open. The dogs stare at me like I've lost my mind. I hear his squeels and giggles get louder, and then they cease. I know he's up to something. Hurrying as much as one can when she's stuck on the toilet, I get myself cleaned up and run out to the living room. He's in his usual hiding spot, in the corner behind the recliner. "What are you doing?" I take a step around the recliner. He giggles and throws the phone at me. "Yaaaaaaaaaay! Mommy! Yaaaaaaaaay!" He then rubs his chest, the ASL version of sorry. That was my favorite part. |
| Leading entry: "Invalid Entry" Jason, Joe, Ryan, and I all went to the same high school. We were in band together my Freshman year. They were all Seniors. I thought Ryan and J were assholes. In many ways, they still are assholes. The only person that I liked was Joe. Whenever we all get together, the conversation eventually leads to stories of reminisense about that year: - Jason never got to take part in this fun because he was drum major and always rode on the bus with Mr. Drummer. The rest of us always chose the same bus as Joe. He would lead us in a special band rendition of "My Dingaling." He would sign the verses, the boys would sing the word "My" in the chorus, and the girls would sing "Dingaling." Mr. Drummer got on our bus once because he thought we were being too loud. When the door opened, he heard us singing at the top of our lungs, My dingaling, My dingaling, I want you to play with My dingaling. That was the last time we were ever able to sing that song. Mr. Drummer threatened to kick all of us out of band if he ever heard us utter any of that tune, ever again. Joe always says we should've waited until after the busses left the school to sing our song. - This one time, at band camp (I really wanted to say that.) my Freshman year, Ryan, Joe, and several of the girls, a total of 6 or 7 people, went off campus for lunch. We got an hour to eat and relax, so they figured they had enough time to get Chinese. They didn't arrive until 15 minutes after band camp had resumed. Jason was pissed because it was kind of hard to restart formation practice when you're missing one of your snare drums, one of your bass drums, one of your cymbols, your only baritone, and several of your trumpets. Especially when, at the time, band was only 45 members strong. Ryan figured they could make up for this grievious error in time management by having everyone harness their instruments and march from the band room to the practice field. He lead them with a chorus of cadance and made it to the practice field in time for #6, which was basically some snare and bass strokes, and then we would all shout, "K!" some more snare and bass strokes, we'd all shout "C!" and then some more bass and snare strokes, and we'd all shout "GIANTS!" and then "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" while the cadance continued. It always repeated twice, and we all felt it was compulsory to take part in the cadance, regardless of the fact that we were all in the middle of running through a formation practice. Jason was even more pissed because Ryan, Joe, and company were not only late back to camp, but they also disrupted practice. He was also torn about being angry because it was so clever that he didn't know what to say. So he didn't say anything. - Me and Betsy sat with J and his girlfriend after a game one night when we all went to Godfather's Pizza. It was late, but we all always didn't get to eat dinner because we'd have to report to the band room by 5 pm on Fridays. It was basically long enough for us to run home, grab our uniforms, eat a snack, and run back to the band room after school. Some of us didn't even bother with that, instead bringing our uniform to school with us that day. Anyway, we're all sitting at the booth, and somehow the conversation turned to girls kissing. "I've never seen two girls kiss," Kelly said. "Oh we kiss all the time," Betsy said. We both turned to kiss each others' cheeks at the same time, and ended up mouth-kissing. Not intended, but it's not like we used tongue or anything. "Oh my God!" Kelly gasped. "Are you two lesbians?!?" Betsy and I had a hard time getting people to stop calling us lesbians after that. --- I was going to continue with more, but I thought I'd leave you with the mental image of two high school girls locking lips instead. It makes you quiver, doesn't it? It makes me quiver. With nausea. Or maybe that's just the sinus drainage. |
| I called about that job on Monday. You know, the one that I interviewed for about 2 weeks ago. The guy wasn't available, so I left a voice mail. Finally, yesterday, he called me back to let me know what was going on. They still haven't made a decision yet, which is frustrating. Of course, they don't have to make a decision immediately, because the position isn't exactly vacant. It would be easier for me, though, if I knew whether to move on or hold my breath. My Mom said that they've been pretty busy, though, with the addition of four more doctors and their staff. They've had to set up their computers and whatnot, along with all of the HR paperwork. Both departments have been busting butt to get through that and they haven't had time to sit down and look at candidates. He told me that they needed at least another two weeks before they would be able to make a decision. That means I'm going to have to wait almost a month before I know either way. I don't plan on waiting around a month before I start hitting the job market hard again. I'm especially worried that if I keep pussyfooting on the resumes, that I'll miss the real deal and it'll be nobody's fault but my own. Of course, it's not like there's been much in the classifieds lately. There was a period of about 2 weeks where there were several positions a day for me to send in my application. Now there's only several places a week, if that, to submit resumes. I'm thinking of spending this weekend putting in my application to places like Barnes & Noble, Old Navy, and other retailers. It might not pay much, but at least we'd be able to afford Christmas. |
| I had to share this quote. I won't say who said it. I'll just say that it was a politician who needs to cop a clue and come back down to reality: "No. 1, the challenge that we face is that we have too many people without health insurance. What we have to remember is that the more people who have a job, the more people who have health insurance and access." Uhm... then how come there's around 900,000 people in Michigan that have jobs yet do not have health insurance? Those statistics are pretty scary, given that 1.1 million people in Michigan are uninsured. And even if your job offers health insurance, its usually shitty for what you pay. I won't use our health insurance as an example, since Jason doesn't pay for it, even though they've recently changed it from one that was really good to one that was only halfway decent. But my Mom pays something like $400 a month for herself and my father, and has an 80/20 plan. It doesn't pay for preventative tests, so her yearly mammograms and colonoscopies aren't covered. It doesn't pay for much of my Dad's diabetes medications. In fact, the only thing that her insurance will pay for as far as prescriptions are concerned is generic antibiotics, which you can now get for free at Meijer pharmacy. The problem with rising health care costs isn't going to be solved by people getting better jobs. This naive view is continued because politicians won't pass legislation to allow a ceiling to be put on malpractice lawsuits. The more lawsuits, the more money doctor's insurance companies are paying out, the more that said insurance companies have to charge for malpractice insurance, the more doctors have to charge their patients in order to pay for their insurance. I wish someone would take some sort of initiative to resolve this problem. If the solution was as simple as getting a better job, we'd all be in better shape. I guess nobody should be self employed or work part time in this state. We should all become salesmen for Amway. Apparently, Amway will solve all of our problems. |
  I think that's the only reason you need. |
1. I ripped this off from Cappucine  's journal (see my blog links) because I have nothing better to do while I wait for my tater tots to bake. There's only a few minutes left, so I probably won't get all 17 done before the timer goes off, but I figured I'd get a good start anyway.2. Jason and I applied for new auto and homeowner's insurance yesterday because we found out that it would save us about $1,000 a year. That might be the extra $80 a month that I need to pull out of my ass in order to keep us from losing our house. Regardless of this $1,000, I will still need to return to work, at least for this Christmas, in order to be able to afford to buy people gifts this Christmas. 3. I didn't even make it until the buzzer went off on the oven because my Mom called. Her computer was behaving irrationally, as computers often do when they are infected with various virii. I had to walk my Dad through removing the virus and clearing out the system restore files. My tater tots were eaten while I walked him through this process. 4. I should probably be on my way to pay the utility company for our electricity and natural gas, since the bill is due today, but I'd rather try to see if I can get to 17 details before 1:30. 5. Ethan got a Halloween postcard in the mail from J's Mom. It has a black cat and a jack-o-lantern on it. When I showed it to him, he pointed to the jack-o-latern and said, "'umpin!" That's Ethanese for pumpkin, by the way. I then pointed to the black cat and said, "What's this?" He replied, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty." I love this kid so much! 6. It snowed again last night, leaving us with but a dusting of snow upon the ground. It looked beautiful, when I finally woke up. I have to tell the story of waking up in another detail. 7. I woke up this morning to hearing Ethan frantically cry over the baby monitor. Knowing the difference in his cries, I knew that I needed to tend to something immediately, so I went right to his room. I opened the door to find him in the middle of trying to take his pajama top off, rather unsuccessfully. It resulted in the shirt being stuck behind his head in a manner that caused his arms to be stuck straight up in the air above his head. By the sound of his frantic cries, I assume that he didn't intend for it to happen that way. 8. Ethan's naptime has adjusted again. Where he used to sleep for 3 hours, he now only sleeps for 2, during naptime. This loss of an hour of "me" time has had me quite frazzled as of late and I've been trying to put him to bed later so that there's less time between when he wakes up and when Jason gets home, so that I don't have to feel so frazzled and can easily pass Ethan off to his Daddy for the more rough play that he seems to prefer over Mommy's tickles. 9. My feet are cold. I should put some socks on. 10. I love watching Charlie and Lola on Disney. I think Lola is absolutely adorable, for a cartoon character. The British accent does help in this case, I think. 11. I'm already bored with trying to think up different details, but I'm going to keep plugging away, anyhow. 12. Last night, Jason and I were laying together on the couch after we put Ethan to bed. Jason kept threatening to shove the television remote up my ass because I kept farting on his thigh. It made me laugh, and thus fart more. 13. Can you believe there's only 4 to go after this one? 14. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, which I'm dreading. I hate going to the dentist. It almost always results in my having a migraine because the damned polisher makes a nasty whining noise that rattles my teeth straight to my brain. 15. Jason turned 30 on Saturday. I failed to mention this because we didn't make a very big deal out of it. In fact, I didn't even make him a birthday cake until last night. A carrot cake with french vanilla frosting. His favorite. 16. My favorite color has become purple again, I think. I might change back to red tomorrow, though. 17. Whew! This is the last one! I don't have enough things going on in my life to really make one of these types of things interesting. |
| Don't ask me why I actually gave a crap and watched the news this afternoon. To be honest, it was really only the last five minutes, but it was long enough for me to turn it over in time to watch the latest Dick DeVos commercial. The newspapers back Dick DeVos. Well, if the newspapers back Dick DeVos, then he must be a great guy. Because we always know how unbiased and smart the press is about character judgement. Nevermind that I haven't been able to find the articles he's quoting in the Detroit Free Press's archives and the other newspapers he was quoting are small town gigs that don't keep archives online. First of all, he doesn't even give dates for the quotes. How do I know that they're really true? Does he think that everyone is stupid enough to believe that they're going to believe his ads and not wonder why the quotes lack dates and even real references to his name. It's time for a change. The Detroit Free Press could use this phrase for any number of situations, including the use of fossil fuel, which they have. I, however, have not found an article that uses this phrase in reference to ousting Granholm from her position as governess. I could've not dug hard enough, but I honestly didn't really try to look that deep. I won't give this man the benefit of the doubt when he's done nothing but blast Granholm this entire campaign season. You know, he hasn't put out one ad that doesn't slander her in one way or another. Oh. Wait. No, I take that back. He's gotten his daughter to do some campaigning for him. She spent the entire commercial boasting about how great of a guy her Dad is. Blah, blah, blah. Of course you think your Dad is a great guy. He's your Dad and if he wasn't a great guy to you, he would be an even worse person than I already think he is. Twisting words to his advantage. I hate people that take part of this kind of political banter. What's worse, is that someone will be gullible enough to believe everything he's quoted. A newspaper said it. That's all that matters. Context is irrelevant. |
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Whatever you do, hang in there, he'll be sleeping like a big boy in no time!