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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| Have had some breakfast. Getting in some work on my book. Feeling as though I've broken through the writer's block. Looks like it's time for celebration, Good Friday notwithstanding. We've gotten away from that. We don't do the catholic thing anymore. We eat meat on Fridays and don't go to Confession anymore. Not going to church from since 2017 or thereabouts. The church is a scam. Nothing more than that. I don't trust priests anymore. To think of all the children they've molested since they started making the Mass is so saddening to me. And all the damaged psyches that have resulted from it. |
| It's another day in the week - Wednesday. Rather a surprise to me. I'm always a day behind it seems. I'm getting so that I can't remember if I fed the cat and she reminds me whenever she makes an appearance (she hides in a room) in the living room perched on top of something that the dog can't reach. She doesn't like the puppy much and thinks he's too forward. She's a very demure cat. Very girly. I call her Girly. haha. But she likes to mew for different reasons, such as when it's been time to feed or water, or when she is complaining about the poop the dog did on the carpet. She's really rather funny that way. |
| I started early in life liking who I was. I accepted myself. I loved me. I wasn’t prepared for what the world wanted me to be. I had to fit myself into a peg that wasn’t fit for me. I was bummed about that. i decided that I’d try to go for something that I thought was good but that wasn’t to be. I tried and tried. Then I went through life doing things that I didn’t want to do - like working for people who weren’t appreciative, and getting small raises, and finding out how I wished I were somewhere else while I was working at a manufacturing place. And once I worked for a factory. I wasn’t happy. The life that I was leading wasn’t for me I thought but I decided that I would spend my life enduring, going through it, finding some consolation in shopping, getting things, spending the money I earned to have some ‘retail therapy’. Then I worked for a big company that I realized weren’t that great and had to leave because my mind was imprisoned by the stuff they wanted me to write. So I had to give up that job and asked My God to give me Divine Providence so that I might receive what I needed and not what I wanted. Now I’m a writer and I’m living on a fixed income. I have been given God’s help at the right times, but I’m still being made to feel that I have to conform to what the world wants from me. Death stalks me every day and every night. I think the world now wants me to die and leave it alone so it can toddle off and be happy. |
| I had a lousy morning with sadness and pain. I tried to sleep it off. I awoke again and saw the sun was up - it was morning, I mean. I actually think the sun was hidden by the clouds this day. I tried to look at social media and emails. Nothing really interesting. Then I went through my Twitterfeed and unfollowed several dozen sites mostly because I didn't want to follow them anymore, and many that were what I don't remember following. I think Twitter is playing around with my Twitterfeed. I wonder whether they have an algorithm that takes what I follow and puts in sites then makes my Twitter follow them? It might be so. I hope they don't do that anymore. I read something from my books that I'm reading. The Deathly Hallows book and the other self-help book. It's all interesting. |
| I have been reading about how to Detox Your Thoughts, a book that I saw online that was recommended by someone. I have read a quarter of it. it's good. I like the thoughts the author has given. I never thought I'd keep reading a book. (I usually read the first few pages and if it isn't interesting, I discard it.) I have been able to address some toxic thoughts from reading this book so far. There are other thoughts that cling to mind but I'm getting used to them. I discard them as I wish them to be. I feel as though I have a future still. The toxic thoughts have been making it difficult for me to carry on and do my work as a writer. But there are also fear thoughts that tell me not to go ahead and do something that was inspiring to me at the time. However, I think those fear thoughts are defence mechanisms to preserve my life so I would sometimes listen to them, or sometimes I'd give them my attention. I'm an optimistic sort. I think that there's hope for every living person as long as there's life for them to live. I want nothing to do with those thoughts that want me to end it all. I've been given thoughts to do that and it's terrible. I've no wish to do this terrible thing and it's NOT an option. I hope this will encourage everyone to strive to do their best, even though life is tough. It will not be easy this life we lead. Everyone no matter if they're poor or each will need to strive to keep off the toxicity that surrounds them. Some places in the world might be looked on as bad places becaus they're inundated with terrible storms every so often and they're not the richest looking places but the people seem happy enough. There was a picture of a place in the Pacific where there was a huge flood from typhoons and the days after there was destruction everywhere. Yet the picture captured a group of boys playing in the sun some basketball and they paused for the picture with grins on their faces. It made me feel good that despite the conditions where they lived they still were able to catch some fun and happiness. I think it might be they were just glad that the typhoons had passed. They weren't the ones that were responsible to fix things up, no, those who had to think of rebuilding faced the grim future of getting houses and bridges fixed up. But that picture stays in mind (well, not stays in mind but you get my drift) and it gives me encouragement and hope that despite the bad things that happen to men and women and children, they who survive can carry on. |
| I awoke very early today. I have been killed even last night. A bad elohim named speaker rosemary was trying to make me sad. She was a Mary Kay customer who evaded having to pay for her order and said she couldn't see me (for me to deliver it to her) all weekend as she was supposedly going to a church activity. I had emailed her and said I"d come on Sunday at 3 but on Sunday she wrote me sometime during the morning and said she wasn't available on Sunday either. I finally wrote her and said I wasn't going to sell it to her and that I will not come to deliver it. I am tired of people who play these mind games and so now that package is not going anywhere. Speaker Rosemary is from Jesus' time and she wanted him dead. Now she is made. She goes with a religious cult named Schoenstatt Rosary Movement. These people are from the German originator Kentenich Joseph who was incarcerated at Dachau for a few years in solitary confinement. He is a satan and bastard as is Speaker Roemary. I think that whole organisation is bastard and satan. Speaker is not a good person in the community. She and her husband were kicked out of their teaching and coaching positions from West Lafayette High School for scandals. They started and ran a travel agency and took people to European shrines (Catholic) and they made their money from these people. She was an avid fan of the Popes and went to Wisconsin for their conferences at the Schoenstatt shrine there (the main one in the USA) where Kentenich lived and worked while he was still in his identity. He was supposedly dead at some point but I saw and lived near his apartment here in West Lafayette at Peppermill Drive Apartments. He lived with a redhead whose familiar face reminded me of Lestina Mary, another one of the Schoenstatt woman who ran the Wisconsin headquarters. The bad elohim run the catholic church. They are eager to find all those who follow Jesus, thinking they can catch Jesus with those poor people. That is why I no longer am catholic. I do not want them to kill me any longer. they've killed me eversince I stopped going to mass. These are the people who populate this earth and collaborate with that bastard the Queen of England Windsor Elizabeth. I've been killed several times already this morning. I need help from those who are good Thoughts. I do not wish to lose my life. I have many things that I want to do, and God wants me to be alive and so does Jesus. I will try to sacrifice and endure today. I have some things to do, but nothing that important. I have to make breakfast and also feed the pets. I might resume reading my books that I've picked out to read for this Spring. I might write a blog somewhere else. Nothing sadmaking as this. I have to see if I get a reply from a regulatory manager who wants to interview me. She wrote last week and I answered her email a few days later. If she still wants to talk to me I'm available. I do not know what this job is like so I've got some questions to ask her. I do not know how good it will be to work 8 hours a day remotely. It might be ok, but I will be going through a transition from retired to full time again and that could be exhausting and it will take me away from my writing. I will be writing other types of documents - technical files and also conferring with the staff there and attending meetings. I think they have Webex meetings instead of Zoom meetings which I trust the Webex meetings more. They are geared towards businesses like medical device companies. If God allows me to get this job then I will be busier and it will likely make a significant change to my life as someone who's been relaxing and getting killed while relaxing. I don't want to be killed anymore. I'm tired of it. One day they hope to get me at my weakest point and finally kill me off. I don't want to die. I don't like to think of the idea of dying and leaving this world. |
| I'm happy to say that I quit Mary Kay yesterday. It was getting bad and I was getting sad thoughts that wanted me to end my life. I was also ghosted by a very evil spirit that almost got our kitchen stove on fire because she could do it. This ghost was a woman named Ruble Laura who gave a zoom video blog about how she got herself into Mary Kay years ago. She was not convincing and I was able to see holes in her story. In truth, she was a fake thought and had no real experience in Mary kay and merely spouted the conventional things like how "cool" it was to be in a Mary Kay party where they served canapes and all that sort of thing. She also mentioned that she had a degree in singing or voice and a minor in piano but that she decided against a career in music or opera (my thought she had an operatic voice but that's not true) and instead went for a full time consultancy as a mary kay rep. I thought this was rather bizarre that someone with a beautiful voice and her face was beautiful indeed with blonde short cropped hair and that she would give up the opportunity for a great career in music to be a shill for Mary Kay. She also went on and said how fun it was to link arms with her peers in Mary Kay and be happy with them in this business. Then she went on saying that her children (had after a decade or so of marriage) had her as a home mom but also that one of her kids had an auditory problem where he wasn't able to process learning somehow. She went into detail about his problem that there was some sort of lag between hearing something and knowing or leaerning what was told him. I am not an auditory expert but this sounded like a sham illness. Anyway she said she could stay home and be with him and help him learn. This is something that many who are attracted to Mary Kay go for because they have the means to stay with the kids at home and have no real reason to work outside the house. However, she went on and said something that really struck me: she said that she and her husband had no real retirement to look forward to or words to that effect. I realized that Mary Kay has no retirement plans for their consultants because the consultants are contract workers and nothing else. Contract workers are left without benefits (as a rule) unless the company or companies they work for give them W2 and that will include benefits. I know this for a fact because I've been recruited by several headhunters to apply for contractual work for medical device companies on a W2 (instead of as a contractor without benefits) - W2 has that option to get benefits and that's what many people in self-employment want. This lack of benefits from Mary Kay made me rethink working for Mary Kay. I myself am retired now and so I have a fixed income but for many women who work for Mary Kay this way, as a consultant, do not have retirement to look forward to from Mary Kay. Unless they are really working for the company in Dallas, TX, that is. So I felt sad for these women who do the work of selling products and their superiors are getting a 'miraculous' influx of money from their work into their own bank accounts. This I heard from another woman from Mary Kay's director vlog. So, I said to myself, fuck it, I'm not going to do this. I don't like the superiors I had at Mary Kay as they are a cliquish set and don't tell all to those who are new to the business. They don't spill the secrets of getting ahead in the business. If they don't like you (and they didn't like me for some reason) they won't go out of their way to help you get to boost your business. They merely tell you to do "scripts" to tell your customers and well, their scripts aren't always applicable. There's a script that they gave me after I asked for help finally getting a call with my superior, this script was supposed to tell customers that there's a "Pink Party" with a "Pink Bag" that they were going to get and that they'll get together virtually to use the contents of the pink bag. Well, I have no money to pack a Pink Bag with goodies (I have to use my income to buy inventory and if the inventory hasn't got the goodies at the time, I'll have to again buy these goodies etc etc etc). So I was somehow blocked from using the scripts. It's crazy. So I think that this Pink thing was a lesson and I learned that even though I wanted the challenge of 'building my business' as a Mary kay consultant, it wasn't doing well as I had few contacts and few FB friends and I wrote emails to half the population of the city and did not get any responses. I did get a few three at the most who said no or had their own Mary Kay person to go to. It's a sad thing to have no friends to sell to and those I had weren't interested except for a couple who were nice enough to buy something from me but I do not doubt they wanted to keep coming back to buy these same things from me. So, now I'm out of Mary Kay and I hope that those who are considering joining Mary Kay need to think how they handle their newbies. There's an IPA sheet they hand out (Income Producing Activities) that you need to log and several of these things include having to have a Pearl Meeting where the customer, the consultant and the consultant's superior meet online or via three way call and the purpose is to sell, and recruit. My superior was such a shallow woman and boasted that she did some million dollars of sales in her career, and had a fleet of Pink Mary Kay cars to her credit. And that the business afforded the consultant-to-be a discount (50 percent off) for products of Mary Kay. Well, it's off-putting to have to hear this for me because it just wasn't my idea of what i wanted out of Mary Kay (except for the discount, haha) and I didn't want a damn Pink Cadillac or whatever the flavor of the car was at the time, so I thought this Pearl convo was not what I wanted. I would be embarassed in front of my customer (a friend, most likely) who would be wondering what i'd got myself into. There were other activiities there that included a $100 sale (which I could not reach at all), 10 shares with customers or reach outs (which I could do but well, that's a different story altogether and I'm rather not sure I want to divulge that now), 1 face (a customer who buys product), and whatever else they had. They had a little group on FB that talked about their IPAs and well, I was so downcast to think that I'd not got enough IPAs to belong to their group, which is ridiculous in retrospect. So, I decided (and here's my confession) to "buy" followers at FB and got about 300 people to share with and it was rather an astounding turnaround in my IPA points which got my superior somewhat flummoxed (as she was convinced I was a loser) and so that got me into the first round of "the bottleneck" and it was then that I was reduced to tears thinking I'd cheated my way into the inner circle of Mary Kay's elite snobs who make money off of the backs of their small consultants who are trying their best to sell things and creams and makeup to their near and dear friends and family. I'd actually convinced a relative to buy aftershave and shave foam (and my stepfather too) which amounted to half the people I sold anything to. Oh my God. So my lesson is that one needs to understand how MLM businesses thrive and it's not good. I had been warned several times by people on Reddit about this but I persisted, thinking that I was challenged to build my business but I'm so fucking exhausted from the mental stress and physical negativity from Mary Kay and I'm no longer there and I'm hoping that today will be the first day of my life back as a free person. Haha. Let's see how it goes, right? |
| I've an early morning. I didn't realize that today was Daylight savings time so I'm chuffed that I have advanced time to spend today. I am looking forward to the day. Yesterday was a long morning that was stressfull. The bad thoughts descended on my stuff and made me feel sad in front of the Zoom meeting that my Sales Director held as she is wont to do on Saturdays. I'm thinking it went well. the second meeting was for those consultants who scored over 15 IPA points for the week (IPA means Income Producing Activities). The meeting was fine. I don't know if I learned much but the last thing their moderator said was to give till it hurts. That means we as Consultants have to do a lot of work to gain more. They talked about the tiers of the job. They said something about becoming red jackets and then qualifying for a free (doubtful that it's really free) Mary Kay car. I don't want to have a car. I can't be trusted driving what with the puppy who thinks he should be the driver. |
| Awake and listening to the rain, and the roar of the motor outside where the neighbor's rig is parked. The owner goes to work at about 4 or 5 am and comes back sometime in the late afternoon. His children toot his horn sometimes. Or if they're not his chidlren, they're the neighbor kids. I've not had anything to eat but I'm not hungry. The bad thoughts wanted to make me sad again this morning when i was in bed awaking. My arm felt as though it was going to fall off, and now it's recovered, Thanks to My God. I'm hoping that the day will be a safe day for everyone. I do not foresee me writing anything today. Perhaps this blog will suffice. I'm hoping to do more work for my business but that will likely be somewhat slow. I have decided not to go for regulatory jobs even though they are remote. I can't do remote work for 8 hours a day five days a week. I'd turn the house into a frazzle pit. And I'd be neglecting my other duties, that of pup mom and kitchen supervisor. I am happy as a retired person. The thing I want to do is to grow my business with Mary Kay and find ways to reach more people, and get customers. I need to be happier and more like my old self when life was somehow filled with a good atmosphere. |
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