The Labor Pains of Hercules Story 3

The Ceryneian Hind

Getting the run around.



Hercules expected maybe a break after busting his butt the way he had. The least Eurystheus could do was give him an easy one this time, right?

Wrong.

“This time you get me the Ceryneian hind.”

Hind. What the hell was a hind?

“A red deer?” Eurystheus drawled, “Where did you get educated?”

“Chiron,” Hercules said glumly.

Eurystheus sighed heavily and shook his head.

“No wonder it’s half assed. Ok, brainiac. Go get the deer, hey?”

“And that’s so hard because?”

“It’s Diana’s favorite pet.”

Diana. Goddess of the Moon. Goddess of the Hunt, for pete’s sake. Piss that one off and there went dinner for the rest of your life.

“Oh, shit!” Hercules muttered.

“Like that,” Eurystheus agreed, and Hercules was off to get his bung bored one more time.


#


It wasn’t bad enough that Diana had her generously sized nose into everything. No. On top of that, the damn hind had to be a wily son of a bitch who led him a chase all over the freaking world and back again. On top of that, there were places he wasn’t really comfortable with anymore.

Like Nemean territory. There was a lioness there that had decided maybe he had enough meat to satisfy her after all. There was the Lernean territory, too. The a happy hydra there would undoubtedly be glad to see him, but now wasn’t the time to be getting re-acquainted with its nine heads.

One year---one ass hauling, feet stumbling, muscle pumping year he chased the bitch and never got close to getting a shot off. One year. That was some moving around even for someone with thighs like triremes.

Finally, just when he was about to give up and call it a butt whopping, he ran the thing down enough that she was panting and looking for a place to ease her hocks on the ground for a rest. He pulled his bow up and in position, ready to take her out.

“Damn, boy!” she huffed, “I know you ain’t aiming that thing at me!”

“Your hind or mine,” he shrugged.

“You did not just say that! Diana’s gonna have a shit fit she hears yo' talkin’ trash like that!“

“Look, lady. I aint got time to be talking nothing. Hold still and get what I got for you!“

“Don’t even be talking to me like that!” the hind ordered, “ The Nemean Lioness told me all about what you got. Hydra baby had a few words on it, too. What the hell? You can’t make up your mind?”

“Sauce for the goose and the gander,” Hercules shrugged.

“Yo’ momma,” the hind snorted.

Hercules looked to the hole in the ground immediately.

“Where?” he gasped. That fast the hind took off. Faster still Hercules let fly with the arrow in his bow. It was a toss up on which was the most surprised when the arrowhead pierced the hind’s hide.

A look of disgust crossed the hind’s face and a look of absolute triumph graced Hercules’.

“Well I’ll be damned!” he exclaimed.

“Or wishin you was!” the hind muttered.

Hercules didn’t bother with a reply. He just hoisted the deer up on his shoulders and headed off to find Eurystheus.

On the way back to Olympus’s embodiment of bitch Hercules carefully avoided the Nemean and Lernean temptations to go straight home like a good boy. Unfortunately, he did not avoid Diana and Apollo.

The look he got from the Huntress curdled his balls. The look he got from Apollo had them saying “Howdy do!” again. And his balls weren’t the only thing.

“You got any last words?” Diana asked.

“Ah---my bad?”

“Your balls!”

“Now Diana,” Apollo edged in. “Maybe he’s got a good explanation for, ah, carrying around your dead deer.”

“Honey, dead ain’t describing me in no way!” the hind called out. “You get me off these brawny beams Di, and we’ll both give his balls to the Hero Twins!”

Hercules unconsciously crossed his legs. Apollo was right there again to ease the tension.

“Just listen, hey?” he soothed. “You know damn well Hera’s on his ass 24/7. We been through that, right​? Give ‘im a break.

Diana gave him a murderous look.

“Guess we all know what you’re listening to!”

“I’m just saying, you know?”

“All right, all right! Dead man, what’ve you got to say?”

Hercules’ teeth were chattering but he managed to get out,

“My ass is grass and you ain’t the only one holdin’ a scythe. Hera did some shit then I did some shit and this oracle got into it and Eurystheus said I got all this crap I gotta do and Hera’s makin’ damn sure it gets done even if my butt gets burned and bringing in this hind was one of the----------------“

“God damn frog fart on a lily pad!” Diana broke in. “Take a freaking breath now and then, will you? Ok. You gotta do what you don’t wanta do and this is one of the dos, right?”

“You get his attention, Honey!” the hind encouraged.

“Yeah,” Hercules sighed. “Like that.”

Diana thought about it for a minute, then nodded her head.

“Ok. Euranalia, you all that hurt, baby girl?”

The hind shrugged her shoulders.

“You get me stylin’ and I’ll be smilin’.”

At that Apollo leered at Hercules.

“You get me smilin and I’ll be stylin’!”

“Don’t you ever think with anything but that thing?” Diana complained.

“I try not to. Speaking of. Isn’t it your turn to be driving?”

Diana looked up in the sky and sighed.

“Shit. I knew I had something else to do. Ok, Mr. Tit in a Wringer, you’re off the hook this time. I got a few scores to settle with the Queen Bitch of the Universe myself. I figure you crossing one off her to do list will piss her off royally, and that’s fine by me.

“So. I’m gonna fix Euranalia’s wound and you can take her back to show old hippo hinny. Show her. If I look down and see smoke coming up from Mycenae there will be a barbeque on Olympus tonight and it’s gonna be your meat for the main course.

Diana went all sugary then and started mending the hind’s wound. Apollo waggled his eyebrows at him. Hercules sighed.

What the hell else could Eurystheus have going for him?