The Rain

         As the rain stopped, so did Harold Willoughby. Pelting drops disintegrated into a light mist, and Harold Willoughby’s violent thrashing slowed to a sporadic twitching. At the exact moment the mist turned to nothing but moist air, Harold Willoughby’s twitching turned to nothing. Period. And if the timing was pure coincidence, the connection was anything but.

They knew the rain was coming. Harold Willoughby, his wife, and most of Sanborn county had seen it on the evening weather report. It was forecast on Tuesday, when the weatherman said it would arrive on Friday. On Wednesday, there it was again. Coming on Friday, said the weatherman. On Thursday–still Friday.

By the time Friday rolled around, everyone knew, but no one was concerned.

“We sure could use some rain,” said James Patterson.

“Sure could,” said Henry Billings.

James Patterson and Henry Billings stopped twitching right about the same time as Harold Willoughby. Over the course of an hour or so, much of the population of Sanborn county thrashed, and twitched, and stopped.

Who knew the rain was full of Pxbyminiklonchissskabum? It wouldn’t be until one-hundred and thirty years later that Earthlings would even learn its name, which is unpronounceable in any Earth language, but phonetically is as close to Pxbyminiklonchissskabum as any other sound. Loosely translated, the name means something like “a tasty substance that will put hair on your chest and a spring in your step.” And on the planet of its origin, it may have done exactly that. On Earth, it caused excruciating, tortuous pain, internal bleeding, and quick but horrible death.

Had the cargo ship from the distant planet hovered over Earth long enough, its occupants would have seen the people of Sanborn county dying off. Instead, the aliens launched the canisters into the upper atmosphere and waited until the rain started. Then, as soon as they saw people lurching about on the ground, the helmsman threw the quyxoprocto speed generator into fast forward and headed for home.

The initial conversation aboard the ship went like this:

“Xmlkstomichon ccaouston.”

“Qsx. Mmnnom ccaustoni. Ymccsonch, mmnokll momn.”

“Xxxomklo klominichk.”

“Qsx. Himoooooohifty qoppolkviz luprwezdhy.”

Which translates roughly into:

“It’s working.”

“Yeah. I can’t see it putting hair on their chests, but it’s sure putting a spring in their step.”

“I think we’ve found a new market for this wonderful product. Let’s hurry home for a full supply.”

“Yeah. Now that some of them have tried the free sample, I’ll bet they’ll tell all their friends, and it won’t be long before the whole planet knows about it, and we’ll make a fortune.”

“Let’s hear it for free enterprise.”

“Kmokkhichsk.”

“Yeah. Kmokkhichsk.”
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