Self-Deprivation

Self-Deprivation

"Are you okay?" People ask
And I only have one premade pass
I claim I'm fine, that I'm doing great
As if life wasn't just some shitty fate


Where was happiness when I was down low?
Where was joy and celebratory woe?
How can life be this perpetual figment
Weaving passed fake smiles and pigment


Where thoughts and feelings
Turn to negligence and needing
When reading is the only attraction
To your self-deprivation


Listening to music, drawing or creation
Is the only utter sanitation
A cleanse of nasty netting,
webbed by the shallow spider of thoughts and dreaming


Memories of wheeping
The only sentimental keeping
Where was happiness when I need it?
Where was my attention feeding?


I live in this cage of self-deprivation
Claiming I'm just okay.
That I'm fine with the constant admiration
When I'm still paged this this book of black and grey


But I'm not
No-one truly is,
I guess that's why I live
Just to see when it stops, if it stops.
For as life stops when you're a kid


And I'm sorry,
To anyone who knows me
And I apologise for my gravitating nature
As if I have any control of my quaver


Everyone asks, "are you okay?"
Yet I see it on their faces
They don't truly care what I say
Only about their new holiday places


And I always wonder,
Where was happiness when I was down low?
And where was joy and celebratory woe?


Where thoughts and feelings
Turn to negligence and needing
When reading is the only attraction
To your self-deprivation


Where listening to music, drawing or creation
Is the only utter sanitation of my lifelong hesitation
I can't just flick a switch to turn it all off
I guess that would be cheating in this game of right and wrong


I repeat the same phrase, apologies and lines
Rehearsed as if I'm the star in a play of mine
Pages and pages of back and forth
I just wish my life could finally continue north.