The Return of Donkey Man

As he rode down the street with his pack of donkeys, Donkey Man sat on his favorite ride, Bessie Lou. She was a good donkey. Light brown in color with big brown eyes. Donkey Man liked to look into these eyes to see his future. His future typically involved his pack of donkeys and a bag of rotten fruit. Either way, he loved his Bessie Lou like a wife. Whenever he had the chance he would give Bessie Lou a big kiss on her big donkey lips. Life couldn’t be better for Donkey Man at this point. He was heading into town to get all of his donkey’s haircuts and shaves for the big event coming up in the next few days. He was getting married to Bessie Lou.
After several years of looking for a preacher to marry him and his ride, he finally found someone to do it, the old blind woman that worked the cash register at K-Mart. She said she was certified by law to be the justice of the peace through the internet website, www.becomeapreacherin10days.com. Donkey Man was excited to find her in the classified ads under “Marry your Pets” section. He meant to ask her how she became blind, but he forgot to ask her.
As Donkey Man dismounted Bessie Lou, he playfully nibbled her ear. Bessie Lou just honkeyed and through her back legs up in the air at Donkey Man. He just laughed, “Almost got me dare, sweet cheeks, but dat doesn’t stops me’s from kissing yo’ rear!” squealed Donkey Man with glee as he planted a wet one on Bessie Lou’s rump. “All right donkeys, time to go inside for haircuts and shaves!” yelled Donkey Man as he circled his 10 friends into the barber shop.
Before the barbers could stop him, 10 donkeys galloped into the open door held by Donkey Man. “Hey, you can’t let those mules in here!” said one barber as he trimmed the hair of a customer. After all the donkeys entered the establishment, Donkey Man slid into the barber shop like a lonely slug slithering down the leg of a one-legged chicken with hemorrhoids.
“First of all, me friends aren’t mules, but donkeys from various parts of dis country! So show dem da respect day deserve!” replied Donkey Man as his miniature cowboy hat flopped back forth on his head. The head barber came from the back office to see a dirty old man wearing overalls with no shirt and shoes, a scraggly black beard, and a nap sack of some kind.
“Sir, what is the meaning of this? I demand an answer.” The head barber exclaimed with his arms crossed. The smell of donkeys was so strong, tears began form in the head barber’s eyes. Once Donkey Man began to speak, the head barber could smell his donkey breath.
“I’m here to gets me donkeys haircuts and shaves for my upcoming wedding to Bessie Lou!” replied Donkey Man as he kissed Bessie Lou ever so gently on her right cheek.
“That’s disgusting! Leave now, before I call the cops.” the head barber said in anger.
“Well if me and me donkeys aren’t welcome, den we be buzzing like horsey flies out da door.” Donkey Man gave Bessie Lou a little tug and this sparked his next kicking fit. She cold-cocked the head barber on the chin and all other donkeys got into the act. The head barber tried getting back up, but donkeys were kicking customers and the place was becoming a wreck. Donkey man just laughed as he threw rotten apples to each one of his donkeys as they tore the barber shop up.
Finally, Donkey Man decided to leave the scene and returned to the street with his friends. He mounted Bessie Lou and decided to go to the K-mart to show the old blind woman his wife to be. As he as his pack of donkeys walked down the street, cars drove by yelling at him to get out of the street. He paid no mind and just threw rotten apples from nap sack at anyone who said anything.
When he got to the K-mart, Donkey Man noticed a hot dog stand out front. It was getting close to lunch so he decided it was time to feed himself and his friends. “Come on me donkeys, chili dogs for everyone. The hot dog man noticed Donkey Man out of the corner of his eye because of what he was doing with one of the donkeys. Donkey Man was rubbing Bessie Lou’s rump and giving her donkey kisses along her back. “You so cute today, me little dumpling.” yelped Donkey Man as he strode up to the hot dog stand like a retarded monkey on Prozac. “Me and me donkeys want 11 hot doggies wit chili and cheese to go. Also, don’t forgets our Pepsis!” squealed Donkey man with glee.
“You are a disgusting man.” replied the hot dog man.
“Now why’s did you say dat? You have offended my honor as a lover of donkeys! Get him me donkeys!” yelled Donkey Man as his herd of fanatical farm animals surrounded the hot dog stand and began kicking it with their hind legs. Frightened, the hot dog man jumped out of his stand and took off running in no particular direction. Donkey Man just started flinging the rest of his rotten apples at the man.
At this time, the police arrived and a woman cop got of the car, pistol drawn. “Freeze, psycho!”
“Time’s to go me donkeys!” yelled Donkey Man in a panic as he mounted Bessie Lou. Before the female cop could utter another phrase, Donkey Man and his pack of friends disappeared faster than hooker with a $100 bill.
Several days went by, but the police could not locate Donkey Man in the mountains he escaped to. As for Donkey Man, he just stayed in is cave and massaged Bessie Lou while watching his favorite movie, “It Came from a Donkey”.