The Vegan Monologue

“Closing time already! I didn’t get to finissshhh my drink!”

“No need to slam the door, I’m going. Keys, keys - where are those keys?”

“Hey! Who are you? Don’t sneak up on people in the dark! Why I might have killed you with my lightning fast fists.”

“Well I guess since your in front of me your not sneaking up on me. Funny, I don’t remember you in Harry’s, were you up at the bar?”

“Where are my manners? I’m Jerry, what’s your name little guy?”

“Whoa! Wratyfunabu? Um, how about I just call you Abu? Those foreign names are hard for me to pronounce, especially after a couple of drinks, well maybe more than a couple”

“Do you mind driving me home Abu? If that sheriff pulls me over I’ll never pass any of those shield frobriety test things.”

“You don’t drive? Are you from New York or something?”

“Anyone ever told you that you look like Michael Jackson? Sorry, I shouldn’t say that, but you look kinda funny with no nose.”

“Hey Abu, did you notice your lips don’t move when you talk? Are you a ventrickwilist or something?

“A Vegan? Oh Man, how can you do that to yourself? I had a girlfriend once you was a Vegan and we could never find a place to eat out! I’m a meat and potatoes guy, maybe add a beer or two.”

“Telepathy? What does your wireless plan have to do with your lips not moving?”

“Hmmm, I guess Margaret is the closest thing I have to a leader. More a dictator than anything else. Yeah that's why I go out so much, but if you want you can come with me. She’s at home right now, probably asleep though.”

“Ouch! Damn! Who would put a fire hydrant in the middle of the sidewalk? I think I tore my pants too, Margaret is gonna kill me, these are brand new!”

“Thanks Abu! Good thing you had that bandage and test tube handy.”

“Ha! Last time I heard ‘specimen’ that probation officer was holding out a cup for me, I showed him!”

“Hey Abu, what do you watch on TV? Pro wrestling? Soap operas? Talk shows? What do you do for fun?”

“You were looking for intelligence? You must watch PBS!”

“Well, here we are, home sweet home. I don’t see any lights on, Margaret must be asleep. Did you want to come in? I’ve got some beer in the refrigerator.”

“You’re right Abu, I don’t think we’re ready for any visitors. Give us a chance to clean up a bit. I’ll try to get Margaret to cook up a little vegan for you.”

“Maybe you should call ahead next time before you come over.”