Back to you

2/7/05

At last, I feel at peace. At night I can sleep without thoughts, in the morning I can wake without pain. My dreams are always of you, but they are happy ones – they are memories of making love, of whispered words, of being with you. When I knew – I knew that I had made a mistake, I thought I’d lost you. I thought it was too late, that everything was shattered. But something inside you came back – some part of you let me in, let me have a chance. I was frightened to go back but so much more frightened to be without you. Then everything was beautiful, I was floating on clouds for weeks on end just knowing we belonged together. The agony of my past, of our past, of loneliness and despair was gone – any doubts were lost in the relief of having you back in my arms. We were so tentative at first – easing back in, taking it slowly and carefully. I was enraptured by your sweetness and your self-conscious attempts at affection. I had never thought to go back to you – it was something I saw as suicide. But when we met, when I saw you, when you spoke to me and I to you – I was lost. As insanely and irrevocabley in love with you as ever.

I knew then and I know now that it will not be easy. I know we have lived different lives. I come to you with my eyes and my heart wide open. But we’ve come together against all odds, and although I don’t believe in fate – I don’t believe in magic, I don’t believe in making meaning where there is none – I do know, from the core of my soul and the depths of my bones – that we will teach each other all we need to know. That I can sacrifice my childish notions of romance to show you that someone out there – someone right here – will love you and stand by you through all that may come. And with my promise to you – to myself – to stay strong, stay calm, to be patient and loving – I will fight for you. I will cast aside all doubt, suppress the fears that creep in to my mind, and be satisfied with the love you give me. For I am blessed to be loved by you as you have loved no other. I was blind not to see it before.