The Council of Elrond

Elrond: "Welcome strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been gathered here today to answer the threat of the Matrix. Oops, I mean, the threat of Mordor! Bring forth the ring, Mr Anderson. I'm really getting it wrong today, I apologise! Bring forth the ring Frodo."

Frodo takes the ring and places it on a table. Everyone gawps at it, except Gimli who has fallen asleep and is whispering about cheese.

Boromir (whispering): "So it is true. A dream came to me. In the West the sky grew dark but in the East a pale light lingered. A voice cried out [censored] 'Doom is near at hand! Isildur's bane has been found!' Isildur's bane..."

Boromir gets a strange glint in his eye as he reaches for the ring. Elrond stands up and yells.

Elrond: "Boromir!"

Boromir looks shocked and immediately site back down, moaning to himself. Gandalf looks annoyed and stands up.

Gandalf: "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ask nazg gibatul........what's that line again? I said LINE!"

An elf comes over and whisper to him.

Gandalf: "Ahh yes! Ash nazg thrakatuluk arg burzum-ishu krimpatul!"

Elrond: "Never before has that tongue been uttered here, Gandalf Greyhame!"

Gandalf: "Who cares? Where were we?"

Gandalf sits back down. Elrond follows suit and Boromir starts nodding his head.

Boromir: "It is a gift! A gift to the [censored] foes of Mordor! Long has my father, steward of Mordor......[censored]! I'm sorry, steward of Gondor, kept the force of Gondor......I mean Mordor......[censored]! Sorry again, I'm having a bad day with words. Anyway as I was saying......where was I?? Oh yes, why don't we use this ring against them? The forces of Gondor......I mean......argh for [censored] sake! I mean [censored] Mordor. Never mind. My point is why not [censored] use this ring."

Aragorn looks angry and stands up, turning to Boromir.

Aragorn: "Yo dude! are you, like, totally a dumbass? Like not one dude can wield this funky thang!"

Boromir stands and faces Aragorn, very angrily.
Boromir: "Oh [censored] off you [censored]. What the [censored] do you know, your just a [censored] ranger. [Censored] to all you rangers you're a bunch of [censored]."

Legolas: "Excuse you, my dear sailor! Shut that angry door. Just let your inner self be free and........"

Elrond: "Back to the point."

Legolas: "Yes Boromir, this is no mere ranger. This is Aragorn so of Arathorn. You owe him your......your......your......what's the word again?"

Gandalf: "Allegiance?"

Legolas: "Yes, that's it! Does anyone have a script I can borrow please? I can't remember half my lines! And there are just too many doors to be shut!"

Everyone sits back down again, a little calmer now.

Frodo (whispering): "That guy is so camp!"

Aragorn: "Dude, like park your leggyass dog!"

Sam (from behind the bushes): "What is wrong with that guy? Can he even speak English?"

Aragorn: "I'm being like cool dude. I'm a P.I.M.P.!"

Gandalf: "I'll show you cool. I can flow like you've never seen before. Give me a baseline!"

Gandalf stands and throws off his wizard hat. He puts a cap on and loads of jewellery, as everyone starts to make a baseline.

Gandalf: "Yo like once there was a ring. It said ding-a-ling-a-ling. It was evil, pure evil. It had do be destroyed so our troupes we, like, deployed and we went into Mordor. It may sound like such a bore but yo! It was cool dude!"

Pippin and Merry: "That was SO sweet!"

Gandalf smiles, satisfied, and sits back down. Everyone is rocking their head as if in time to the music, apart from Legolas.

Legolas: "You call THAT cool? You're the biggest loser on the planet! And I'll bet Aragorn agrees with me!"

Aragorn: "Just howeod dad Legolas, dude!"

Elrond: "Back to the point, again. We need to destroy the ring."

Aragorn (muttering): "Well duh, dude!"

Gandalf: "Aragorn's right dude! For all you haters out there, stop dissin' my dog and listen up!"

Sam (still behind the bushes): "Oh for God's sake!"

Legolas: "Where did that fell voice come from? I hear someone in the bushes! Hello sailor!"

Gimli (waking up): "Huh? What? I agree with Frodo!"

Everyone looks at Gimli without a clue what he is talking about.

Gandalf: "Frodo didn't say anything. We were discussing the destruction of the ring."

Gimli: "Then what are we waiting for?"

Gimli walks up to the Ring and tries to chop it with his axe. He falls backwards and the Ring is undamaged.

Elrond: "The Matrix......I mean Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli you [censored] by any craft that we here possess."

Boromir: "Oh yes it [censored] can, I bet."

Everyone starts to argue about whether the Ring can be destroyed. Elrond stands up and yells.

Elrond: "Everyone, SHUT UP!"

Everyone stares at Elrond, shocked at his sudden outburst. They all immediately shut up apart from Aragorn who is sniggering.

Elrond: "Right, now that I have your attention, I suggest that we send someone with the Ring deep into Mordor and they can destroy it. Okay Neo? Argh! I mean everyone."

Legolas: "Really, dear chap? I think that sounds quite easy!"

Boromir: "Shut up you [censored] elf!"

Legolas: "Shut your door, sailor!"

Everyone stands up and starts fighting and yelling at each other. Frodo stands and yells over the noise.

Frodo: "I will take it! I will take it!"

Everyone shuts up and looks at Frodo. Gandalf rolls his eyes and sighs.

Frodo: "I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though........I do not know the way."

Gandalf: "Frodo, I will go with you because I'm the only one who seems to be volunteering......hint, hint!"

Aragorn: "Like, I will come too, dude!"

Legolas: "My dear chap, you have my bow, well not literally!"

Gimli: "And you can have my axe. Well as long as you buy me a new one, and not one of those tacky smart price ones!"

Boromir: "I suppose I'll [censored] come. Hey! What are you beeping me for? [Censored]. I didn't even swear! Anyway, it's not like little [censored] kids are gonna read this! This is [censored]. Oh for God's sake!"

Sam: "Hey! Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me. And I'm sure he couldn't bear to leave his dear boyfriend behind anyway."

Elrond: "Indeed! It is hardly possible to separate you two. Gandalf said he saw you in the bushes earlier."

Gandalf: "Actually that was Aragorn and Arwen but never mind!"

Merry: "Oi! We're coming too! You'll have to chain us up with fluffy pink handcuffs to stop us!"

Gimli: "Ooooh, kinky!"

Elrond: "A change of subject would be nice about now."

Pippin: "Yes. Anyway, you need people with fashion sense and without a temper on this sort of........thingy magigy."

Merry: "Like you have fashion sense! You wear the same bloody scarf every day. And that cloak........well don't ever go there!"

Aragorn: "Like, dude, we're gonna have an orgy! This is gonna be awesome!"

Elrond: "Nine companions, all from Zion. Bugger! Anyway, you shall be the Fellowship of the Matrix."

Everyone bursts into fits of laughter. Elrond just stands there looking blank.

Legolas: "My dear sailor, you said Fellowship of the Matrix."

Elrond: "Blast! I meant, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. All ready to go?"

Pippin: "Sure. Where are we going again?"

The fellowship sighs and starts to sing 'We're going into Mordor' to the tune of 'We're going to Ibiza' and play various instruments. Gandalf - DJ, Aragorn - Singing, Boromir - Singer, Legolas - Flute, Gimli - Maracas, Frodo - Kayboard, Sam - Drums, Pippin - Guitar, Merry - Guitar. The song finishes.

Everyone: "Yeah!"

The End