Save the Hobbits

Scene 1

Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Pippin and Merry are walking through a forest on their way to Mordor. They need to destroy the ring, they are all chatting separately when some Ring Wraiths ride up behind them on horses. They have a fight and Frodo is stabbed. The Ring Wraiths capture the fellowship and tie them up, also blindfolding Gimli.

Ring Wraith - "The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark."

Aragorn - "Why are you blindfolding him alone? If he goes blindfolded we all shall."

Legolas - "Nooo. I shall not be blindfolded for I want to see these many magnificent trees."

Aragorn - "Legolas, gets the god-damn blindfold on now, before I hang you with it!"

Legolas - "Fine then." Goes into a sulk.

Ring Wraith - "Sorry but there is a shortage of blindfolds as they are very expensive, believe me. So if you'll just go like this (puts his hands over his eyes) then we'll be just fine. Thank you for your co-operation."

The fellowship walks for a while and then they are told to remove their hands. They are thrown at the feet of some ents.

Legolas - "Hey I can see some trees!" Everyone rolls their eyes.

Aragorn - "Jeez that guy annoys me!"

They fight the ents and manage to break free. Running away, they reach a snowy mountain and walk along for a while.

Gandalf - "I can feel the wrath of Saruman."

Pippin - Whispering to Merry "That's bad. Isn't that bad?"

Merry - "Yes that's very bad"

Boromir - To Gandalf "Are you ok?"

Gandalf - "Yes but I am afraid to say we must change routes."

Sam - "Which road shall we now take?"

Gandalf - "We must go through the mines of Moria."

Gimli - "Moria. The home of my people." Gasps.

Aragorn - "It is a dangerous path to take. Are you sure about this Gandalf?"

Gandalf - "I'm afraid we have no other choice."

Scene 2

The fellowship are making their way through the halls of Moria, gazing round in amazement. Gandalf is in the lead and he looks worried but none of the others know why.

Aragorn - "What troubles you at this hour Mithrandir?"

Gandalf - "Something is rising, something powerful. I can feel it."

Legolas - "I know of what you speak, for I also feel it. There is something in the air."
Pippin - "Who's farted?"

The ground shakes and everyone panics.

Frodo - "What is it? What's going on?"

Boromir - "Everyone run! Get out of here."

They all run on but whatever it is, is following them. Suddenly Gandalf stops and turns to face Aragorn.

Gandalf - "You must lead them on. The bridge is not far."

Aragorn - "No, I can fight."

Gandalf - "Swords will be of no use here. It is a Balrog demon, only powerful magics can defeat it. I'm not even sure I'm much of a match for it. Go, now. Save the others."

Aragorn nods and leads the others toward the exit, leaving Gandalf to face the Balrog.

Gandalf - "You......shall......not......pass!"

Balrog - "And you'll be stopping me......how, granddad?"

Gandalf fights the Balrog and throws it down into the chasm. He turns round, seemingly victorious, when the Balrog grabs him and pulls him to the edge of the bridge. Gandalf sings mournfully knowing he will likely die but also knowing he will not go down without a fight. He grips the edge.

Gandalf - Singing "I will survive. I will survive. As long as I know how to fight, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my strength to give, I've got kick ass spells to give and I'll survive. I will survive, hey, hey!"

The Balrog gives a final pull and Gandalf falls. Frodo screams and runs forward to help Gandalf but the other hold him back. They all run outside and sit down, sad and shocked.

Aragorn - "Hey, what are you all crying for? That miserable old git is dead!"

Boromir - "Oh yeah. Good point!"

Frodo and Sam - "Let's parrrrrrty!"

Pippin and Merry rush forward with pom-poms and begin to chant.

Pippin and Merry - "Go Balrog, it's your birthday. We're gonna party like it's your birthday, we're gonna sip Bacardi like it's you birthday."

Everyone else joins in with the singing.

Fellowship - "You can find me in da club, bottle full of bud. Yo we are the fellowship only minus one. We are into partying, yeah, we're into getting drunk so come give us a hug!"

Scene 3

The fellowship are walking through the woods happy at first, then they begin to look grim. They are all silent and Aragorn begins to glance, around thoughtfully. He stops as if he can hear something and some Uruks charge at them with bows and swords.

Aragorn - "Frodo go. Save yourself, take the ring and get out of here."

Boromir - "Nooo, don't let him go. I see his mind, he will betray us. He will take the ring to Sauron!"

Frodo glances at Boromir and then at Aragorn. Aragorn nods and Frodo runs away towards the shore.

Boromir - "No. What have I done?"

Boromir is attacked by Uruks and begins to fight. Suddenly he is shot by an arrow. He falls to his knees but drags himself back up and continues to fight. He is shot again and falls to the ground. He sits up and sings painfully.

Boromir - "I believe I will die. I got shot by an Uruk-hai. All I wanted was to save the hobbits, then they shot me in the bits and bobbits."

He is shot again and finally falls to the ground. He cries out as Merry and Pippin are taken away by the Uruks. Aragorn sees him and rushes forwards.

Aragorn - "Boromir. Boromir, are you ok?!"

Boromir - "Go. Leave without me I will only slow you down. I... I... I tried to take the ring from Frodo......is he......"

Aragorn - "I told him to go, remember? Jeez you must be suffering memory loss too."

Boromir - "Then you did what I could not. Go now. My brother, my captain, my king."

Boromir crosses his sword over his chest and lies dead. Aragorn stares at him sadly and is joined by Legolas and Gimli.

Legolas - "They took the hobbits. We will not abandon them to death and torment... will we? Let's go now and save them. We are no longer needed here."

Aragorn nods and stands. He, Legolas and Gimli walks off together through the woods.

Scene 4

Frodo has reached the shore and stands, staring at the path that lies ahead. He sighs and gets into a boat, beginning to row away. Sam runs up to the shore.

Sam - "Mr Frodo! Mr Frodo, wait!"

Frodo - "No Sam. I have to go alone."

Sam - "And I'm coming with you."

Frodo - "This is my task, you should not have to bare what may lie ahead."

Sam - "But (singing) how do I live without you. I want to know. How do I eat without you. If you really go. How do I ever, ever survive? How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?"

Frodo - "Oh come on then, Sam!"

Sam paddles up to the boat and climbs in, helped by Frodo. They both smile happily.

Sam - "Thanks. Hey, I've just realised something... I'm gay! And I looooove you!"

Frodo - "Eww! Get out of here!"

Frodo throws Sam out of the boat, disgusted.

Frodo - "Hang on a second..... I love you too! I guess I feel the same way..... oops."

Frodo helps Sam back into the boat, grinning like there's no tomorrow.

Frodo and Sam - "I looooove you!"

They hug and row off into the sunset.

Scene 5

Pippin and Merry are being carried along by the Uruks. Merry is unconscious and Pippin is beginning to get lonely.

Pippin - "Merry, Merry! Wake up!"

When Merry doesn't wake up, Pippin decides to try something else. He begins to sing, much to the Uruks' annoyment.

Pippin - "Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky."

Merry - "What the hell is he singing?"

Uruk 1 - "I don't know but he won't bloody shut up!"

Uruk 2 - "I know how to change that."

Uruk 2 hits Pippin, dazing him for a few minutes. He snaps out of it and begins to sing again but with Merry this time.

Merry and Pippin - "I want to break free! I want to break free!"

They hit the Uruks and run away into Fangorn Forest. Then they bump into a giant tree, an Ent. It squishes Uruk 2, who had followed them.

Merry - "What are you?"

Treebeard, the Ent, begins to sing in reply.

Treebeard - "Let me lay it on the line, got a little treeiness inside. And you know that an Ent has gotta deal with it. I don't care what they say, I'm not gonna go nobody’s way cause it's all about the tree in me hmmm. I'm such an Ent in the morning, Ent in the evening. Just like me. I need a rough branch brother that can accompany me. Just for me. If you are that kinda thing, cause I'm that kinda Ent. I've got a freaky secret, everybody sing, cause I don't give a damn about a thing. Cause I will be an Ent until the day, until the dawn. And we can go through the night to the early morn. Come on and I'll take you round the woods to my Entish pad. Cause we can ahah any time of the day, it's all good for me."

Scene 6

Frodo - "God I'm bored!"

Sam - "Yeah, I know. Hey! Why don't we sing?"

Frodo - "That's all anyone seems to do in this parody but go on then. I guess it'll pass the time. Any song ideas?"

Sam - "I know!"

Sam winks at Frodo. Frodo catching his drift begins to sing.

Frodo - "It's explosive, speakers are pumping oh. Still jumping six in the morning."

Sam - "Table dancing, glasses are smashing. No question, time for some action."

Frodo - "Temperatures up."

Sam - "'Bout to erupt."

Frodo - "Gonna get my girls."

Sam - "Get your boys."

Both - "Gonna make some noise. Wanna get rowdy."

Frodo - "Gonna get a little unruly."

Sam - "Get it fired up in a hurry."

Both - "Wanna get dirrty it's about time that we came to start the party."

Frodo - "Sweat dripping over my body."

Sam - "Dancing getting just a little naughty."

Both - "Wanna get dirrty. It's about time for our arrival!"

Frodo - "Well that didn't suck. Wait..... I hear something."

They are jumped by Gollum. They have a fight and Gollum ends up with his hands around Sam's neck, strangling him. Frodo points his sword at Gollum's neck.

Frodo - "Let go of him or I'll cut your throat!"

Gollum lets go and cowers sulkily. Frodo wraps a rope around his neck. Five minutes later.....

Gollum - "It burns! It burns us! It freezes!"

Sam - "It's hopeless! Every Orc in Mordor is gonna hear this racket. We should just tie him up and leave him!"

Gollum - "No! Done leave me! I'm all alone... sniff... there's no one here besides me. Preciousss!"

Frodo - "Maybe he does deserve to die. But now that I see him, I do pity him. (To Gollum) Tell you what, if you lead us into Mordor we shall set you free! How does that sound?"

Gollum - "Yes! Yes precious!"

Gollum is so happy that he begins to sing.

Gollum - "What is the precious taking over. Thinkin' no one could steal my precious. Precious, it's time, to feel what's real. What happened to Miss Precious, no more the need to be so precious. Precious, old you, precious, when love is precious."

Frodo - "Not more singing!"

Scene 7

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are running after the Uruks that captured Merry and Pippin. A man called Eomer rides up to them on a horse and stops Aragorn.

Eomer - "Excuse me! Are you Aragorn, heir of Isildur by any chance?"

Aragorn - "Yes. Is there a problem?"

Eomer - "Well sort of. I think we might have killed your hobbit friends."

Aragorn - "Ahhhhhh!"

Legolas knees down and begins to pray and cross himself while Gimli repeats no, over and over again, to himself.

Eomer - "Jeez you are all good in a crisis aren't you?!"

Gimli - "But......"

He is interrupted by Aragorn who starts to sing.

Aragorn - "People killing, people dieing. Hobbits hurt, can't hear them crying."
Legolas - "Can you practise what you preach?"

Gimli - "Would you turn the other cheek?"

All Three - "Father, father, father help us, send some guidance from above."

Aragorn - "Cause people got me, got me questioning where is the love?"

Legolas and Gimli - "Love."

Aragorn - ("Where is the love?")

Legolas and Gimli - "The love."

Aragorn - ("Where is the love?")

Legolas and Gimli - "The love."

Aragorn - ("Where is the love?")

All Three - "The love, the love, the love."

Aragorn - "Wait!"

Legolas - "What is it?"

Aragorn - "A footprint. They may yet be alive!"

Aragorn kneels and inspects the ground where there is a footprint.

Legolas and Gimli - "Hallelujah, praise the lord!"

Gimli - "Where do the footprints lead?"

Aragorn follows the footprints along the ground.

Aragorn - "They ran here. And here. They were followed. They fell, their bonds were cut. They ran over here......"

Legolas - "Into Fangorn Forest."

Gimli - "What madness drove them in there?"

Scene 8

Frodo, Sam and Smeagol are walking through the dead marshes, surrounded by corpses in the water. Smeagol runs ahead in the lead with Frodo and Sam following carefully.

Smeagol - "This path, master, will lead us to Mordor. The Orcs do not know it. They go round it, for miles. It is secret and safe. If you don't follow lights. The precious found for us, yet it did."

Sam - "This place stinks. I'm sorry but it's true. Frodo stinks, the water stinks and you stink."

Smeagol - "Sam stinks too but we don't complain, no, no. We bare it."

A Ring Wraith starts to fly towards them, through the air on a fell beast.

Sam - "Hey! They've upgraded!"

Smeagol - "Precious flappy, flyey things. They want the precious, yes. It is very precious to them, it is a precious precious.

The Ring Wraith rolls its eyes, sighs and stabs Frodo (for the second time). Frodo gasps, collapsing on the floor.

Ring Wraith - Singing "Oops I did it again. Stabbed you in the heart, got lost in the game. Oh Frodo, Frodo. Oops you think I'm evil. I'm sent from above, I am quite innocent."

Sam - "Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo!"

Smeagol - "Master is hurt. The precious is taking over. Yes it will kill us, kill us!"

Sam - "Nooo! That's it Mr. Black rider, you're dead. No one messes with my boyfriend!"

Sam gets very annoyed and begins bashing the Ring Wraith on the head with a saucepan. The Ring Wraith collapses.

Smeagol - "We must go now. You can not kill them, no. They will rise again, yes and they will kill us. Come, follow Smeagol. Good Smeagol always leads the way."

Sam grabs Frodo and drags him along as he struggles to keep up with Smeagol.

Scene 9

Aragorn, Legolas are sitting on some rocks having a break in Fangorn Forest.

Gimli - "This is getting boring. Do we have to look for the hobbits?"

Aragorn - "I guess not what else is there to do?"

Legolas - "I know, I know!"

Legolas jumps up excitedly and accidentally fires an arrow straight at Gimli's butt.

Gimli - "Ow! You did that on purpose elf-boy!"

Legolas - "No I didn't! Honestly! I'm sorry, really, I'm sorry."

Aragorn - "Oh for God's sake. Just forget it! What were you about to suggest before Legolas?"

Legolas - "I thought maybe we could ride to Rohan."

Gimli - "Rohan. Why would we want to go there?"

Legolas - Sheepishly "Well..... I..... I heard that they have a lot of nice trees."

Aragorn - "Trees eh? We looks like we have a new path boys."

Aragorn mounts his horse and points forward. Legolas and Gimli follow suit.

Gimli - "To Helms Deep!"

They ride on to Helms Deep and stop outside the fortress. King Theoden rushes up to them.

Theoden - "Oh thank God. Looks like someone got the that message I sent. The Orcs will be here soon. I really can't thank you enough."

Gimli - "Orcs?"

Theoden - "Yes. That is why you're here isn't it? To aid Rohan in the forthcoming battle?"

Aragorn - "We have heard no news of battle, my lord."

Legolas - "Yes we came to look at the trees."

Aragorn - "Legolas, this is not the time. Theoden, we will assist in this battle. When will the enemy arrive?"

Theoden - "Nightfall, we believe. Please go inside, you must prepare."

Aragorn - "Thank you, my lord. We will fight with all we have."

Theoden - "Yes. I only hope that will be enough."

Scene 10

Pippin, Merry and Treebeard are doing the Hokey Pokey in Fangorn Forest. They finish and laugh cheerfully.

Treebeard - "Let us go for a walk."

Pippin and Merry - "Yes!"

They walk along and suddenly Treebeard stops. There are lots of tree all around them that have been cut and burnt down.

Treebeard - "Many of these trees were my friends. Creatures I had known through nut and acorn."

Pippin - "I'm sorry Treebeard."

Treebeard - "Saruman."

Merry - "The white wizard. Are you ok Treebeard?"

Treebeard - "No! My business tonight is with Isengard!"

Treebeard, Merry and Pippin storm off to face Saruman, Sauron and their army. Pippin picks up a rock and throws it in Sauron's eye.

Treebeard - "Nice arm Master Pippin but you still have much to learn."

Treebeard picks up another rock and throws it at Saruman. Saruman falls backwards off his tower. An army of Orcs attack. Treebeard fights them off with Merry and Pippin throwing rocks.

Scene 11

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Theoden are busy fighting Orcs. They kill most of them until there are only a few left. Suddenly Gimli jumps up onto a rock and begins to sing to the Orcs.

Gimli - "Cause it makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. It makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Makes my skin a little bit thicker. Makes me that much smarter. So thanks for making me a fighter!"

Aragorn - Clapping "Well said Gimli, my boy, well said."

Aragorn and Legolas kill the remaining Orcs and walk up to join Gimli.

Theoden - "Thank you, my friends. I don't know where Rohan would be without you."

Gimli - "How about in the ground?"

Everyone laughs happily at Gimli's joke.

Legolas - "Brave, bravo. Good show!"

Scene 12

Frodo - "Where is Gollum?"

Sam - "I dunno. I think he ran off when we were singing 'Mary Had A Little Lamb', hehehe. Now that was funny."

Frodo - "Come on we have to find him! He is our guide."

Gollum jumps out from behind a tree suddenly and begins to sing.

Gollum - "Underneath the starlight, starlight. There's a magical feeling so right. It'll steal your heart tonight. You can try to resist, try to hide from precious."

Gollum, Frodo and Sam - "But you know, but you know that you can't fight the moonlight. Deep in the dark you'll surrender your heart. But you know but you know that you."

Sam - "You can't fight it."

Frodo - "It's gonna get to your heart."

Gollum - "Hey that's our precious song! But we know what you two can sing! (Singing) I want to take you to a gaybar. I want to take you to a gaybar. I want to take you to a gaybar, gaybar, gaybar."

The hobbits stand, staring at Gollum as if he has totally lost the plot.

Frodo - What the heck is he doing?"

Sam - "Who knows. Hey wanna go for our tea break?"

Frodo - "Yeah, go on then."

They leave Gollum singing and walk off.

Gollum - "Let's start a war. Start a nuclear war. At the gaybar, gaybar, gaybar waaow! At the gaybar!"

Gollum stops singing and looks around confused.

Gollum - "Where did the hobbitses go?"

Scene 13

The fellowship are all standing around looking confused.

Frodo - "What are you all doing here? And where's Smeagol? He's our guide."

Sam - "I think we lost him again Mr. Frodo."

Pippin - "Oooook then."

Merry - "I'm confused. Where's Treebeard?"

Aragorn - To Boromir "Hey, I thought you were dead."

Boromir - "I am but I thought I'd come back for one final song."

Aragorn - "Oh, ok then."

Gandalf - "After three. A one and a two and a three....."

The End