my heart

I see the darkness inside my heart as I lay in my bed. As I look up to the stars and pray for another day, I can only see pain, the pain that will only grow as my heart grows weak. How can one live without that small bit of joy that makes us smile? I know not. I wish my life could have been more like the moon; beautiful, big, and bright. I wonder what it would be like. I can see myself alone, with know one to hold me back. I imagine it to be serene and quiet. I like silence. No harm would come tome because the person that could hurt me, would be me. With only myself, there would be no hatred, anger, or betrayal. There would be joy and serenity. If only life could be that way. I’ve always loved the moon, it made me think of another world away from earth where one can be free and happy. But can anyone be truly happy and free? I know not. I would hope one day I could be. But life as I know it has ceased to go on because of my heart.
It all began when I hurt the girl I loved, the one who never left my side. I can hear her tears and screams in my mind. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to see her hurt. What had she done? She had done nothing, but stand by my me and lived a life of lies I made her to believe. She ate slept, and lived with him. She loved him and always will. She looked into his eyes and saw a God of a man in her heart. But as she stared at this man and stayed beside him, he kept a deep secret with him. We kept a hidden lie together, he and I, agreeing never to tell a soul of our secret. A hidden attraction between people had become dangerous. In bed we joined together, but in the end it was painful. I remember as I sat at the table with the phone in my hand. I felt horrible after what I had just told her.
“Lena I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I pleaded.
“I have to get back to work Shelly.” Lena replied in a rush.
“Wait, please Lena-“
“What!”
“You’re my best friend and. I love you Lena and if you do not want to talk to me I will understand.”
“Whatever.” Lena replied coldly
“I won’t make you choose between us, I wouldn’t make you do that.”
“I have to get back to work. I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Okay. I do love you.
“Bye!”
She hung up on me. I prayed she would be understanding and say those sweet words, “ I forgive you.” But she never did and I doubt she ever will.